by Lauren Wood
Going outside, I waited for the friend of hers and I sighed loudly when I saw who it was. She’d totally just set me up.
Cal
“You don’t seem so happy to see me Mariss.”
“I can’t say that I am Cal. I thought someone else was picking me up, so I wasn’t expecting it to be you. Anna must think she’s being funny.”
“Don’t get mad at Anna. I insisted and you know how insistent I can be.”
She scowled at the reminder and I chuckled in response to hers.
I could tell she wasn’t expecting me, even though Anna had said that she was. I should have known better. I really should have. Anna was up to something and I was starting to see that she was trying to get us back together. I couldn’t fault her for that. I wanted the same thing. I don’t know when she had come over to my side, but I’m glad she did. With Mariss, I was going to need all the help I could get.
“Get in. You can pout on the way to her house.”
She told me that she wasn’t pouting, but to me it looked like she was. I didn’t want to piss her off, but that wasn’t too hard to do.
“You look different Mariss. Something is definitely different with you, but I just can’t seem to put my finger on it.”
“I don’t know what’s different.”
“Do I not get a hug?”
We were by the truck and I opened the door for her. She told me that I didn’t get one and I had to hold back. She was so supple, I wanted to put my hands around her, but she was making it clear that she didn’t want that. I moved back and closed the door after she was in, taking a deep breath before I walked to the driver side and got in. This wasn’t going how I thought it would in my head.
There was silence between us for several minutes before a car in front of us stopped suddenly and I had to put the brakes on. One of Mariss’ hands went to her stomach and the other one went to the dashboard to steady herself. It was the first move that had me looking.
She didn’t say anything as we started back up, but I made it a point to not get too close to anyone again. I wanted to know why she did that and when I looked her way, she was looking out the window. I don’t think babies would have even been on my mind if it wasn’t for Jesse getting Anna knocked up. I was looking at Mariss’ stomach now, trying to figure out if there was a bump there. I don’t know if there was or not. She was wearing baggy clothes and that in and of itself was strange for her. She’d never been one that dressed all that modestly. I was perturbed and unsure how this was all supposed to be. Should I just come right out and ask?
“How have you been Mariss?”
“Alright.”
“I wanted to talk to you about that time that you called. The last time we talked.”
“There is nothing to talk about. You told me what happened, and I believe you.”
“You do?” That was surprising because she wasn’t acting like everything was okay between us.
“Of course. It’s no big deal. I don’t want to argue with you and stay mad. I just don’t.”
As happy as I was to hear that, I still felt like she wasn’t being one hundred percent truthful. Something was still between us and I had no idea what.
“Then why did I not get a hug or kiss when we got in? There is something off about you lately.”
“Off?”
“Yeah, I don’t know what it is, but something is different.”
Mariss told me that everything was fine. I didn’t want to push it, but it bothered me that she wouldn’t tell me what it was. I knew that there was something going on because of the way it felt between us. There was a tension so thick in the air that I could taste in on my tongue. I didn’t like the taste of it. I wanted us back to the way that we were before.
The whole way back she didn’t say much of anything. I didn’t say anything else because I kept getting shot down. It was starting to get to me, but then we were back at Anna’s and I had places to go with Jesse. We had work to do and as I’d taken the morning off to meet Marissa, it wasn’t how I had imagined it in my head at all. It hadn’t turned out at all and Mariss wasn’t even looking back. She left the bag in the car though and I grabbed it to have an excuse to see her. I was still trying to find out when she wanted to meet.
My hope was still on the fact that she wanted to at all. At the moment it didn’t seem like she was willing to talk to me at all. Why did I really think this would be easy, that she would fall into my arms and that would be that? It had happened with many other women when I pissed them off, but I hadn’t cared of the outcome. This time around, it meant a lot how it all turned out.
I’d already lost Mariss once before and this time I was even more invested and the last time I’d been devastated.
“Here Mariss. I wanted to ask you about us going out. You said that we’d hook up while you were here and talk?”
I hated the sound of my voice and I wanted to take it all back. Was this worth it if she was going to just keep ignoring me? I’d never begged a chick to go out with me and it was leaving a horrible bitter taste in my mouth. I wasn’t going to be able to keep it up long.
“I said we would see each other.”
“And now isn’t good?”
“No, it’s really not. Maybe tomorrow if that works for you.”
I told her that it did work, and I wasn’t going to push it any further. There was something going on in that mind of hers and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to know what it was or not. She was still pissed off about something and I was going to find out what it was.
Jesse asked me if I was ready to go and I told him that I was. It wasn’t doing me no damn good to be here, so I might as well go get some work done. At least that wouldn’t turn into a mess like this had.
We got into the truck and Jesse asked how it went. If it had gone well, we’d have been at my house right now getting sweaty. That hadn’t happened, and I had a good idea that it wouldn’t happen. Not in the foreseeable future. I had to figure out what was going on about and how I was going to be able to fix it.
“It didn’t go well at all. I thought that she was thinking along the same lines as me, but I guess not. Instead she was cold and not happy to see me at all.”
“You don’t want to know how cold Anna was with me. She was ice cold, but there really wasn’t anything I could do but keep moving and trying. Eventually I got to her. I told you how.”
That got me thinking about my suspicions and I wanted to ask Jesse about it. If Mariss was pregnant, that meant that Anna and most likely Jesse would know about it. Was I ready to ask that sort of question? Because I wasn’t sure if I was ready for the answer of it. It didn’t seem like it would be one that I would want to know. I’d never even thought about it before and it was strange to now.
“So, have you noticed anything different about Mariss?”
“No, why?”
“I don’t know, she just seemed different. She’s changed.”
“She’ll come around. You must stop worrying about it. She’s here for a few weeks to help Anna pick some stuff out for the baby. I’m sure that you will get her to see things your way soon enough. You must have faith. I didn’t think that me and Anna would ever get back together, but here we are. You just have to be positive.”
I listened to him and I wanted to agree with him, but I wasn’t sure that I could. It didn’t feel like Mariss was going to forgive me and if I was honest, I hadn’t done near what Jesse had done. It didn’t seem fair that he was forgiven, and I was still getting the cold shoulder. I think in a way I was paying for what he did because he was my friend. I didn’t know anything about him and Katarina until it was said and done.
“I hope so. It’s miserable without her. I didn’t think I would ever feel this way about a chick, but she got to me.”
Jesse just chuckled and told me that he knew what I was talking about. I had a feeling that he did. He’d been happy and single one minute and the next he was having a breakdown because of a woman. It was strange how it bit
us in the ass no matter how badly we wanted to avoid it.
“Now you have to keep her Cal. Getting her was the easy part.”
How true his statement was? It felt like it was going to be impossible, but she was worth the fight. I just wish I knew what I was up against.
Mariss
“You seriously haven’t told him?”
“No, I was going to, but I don’t know. You said that it was a friend.”
She tried to look innocent. “What is the problem? He is a friend.”
“Oh really? When did this happen? Before you told me that he was a bad influence on Jesse. What happened to that?”
“Well I guess he was probably the good influence. He’s a good guy and I’ve gotten to know him, and I like him. He definitely meets my approval.”
It was a complete turnaround and I didn’t get it. Anna was going through all sorts of changes and I wondered if it was the hormones doing it. She wasn’t that much further along than I was, but I wasn’t having epiphanies every other minute. No, I was still in a state of worry and shock. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do and having Cal sprung on me like that had made me do nothing more than freeze up. Seeing him again was going to take some preparation. I had to be ready for him or there was no way that I was going to be able to get out what had to be said.
“I’m going to tell him. Soon. I just don’t know how. What if he never wants to see me again? I mean, it’s not like we did much more than have sex a few times in a few years. I don’t know if that is a good way to start a relationship.”
“You have the connection and that is the hardest part.”
“Okay seriously, where is my friend and what have you done with her?”
Anna giggled and asked me what it was that I was talking about.
“You’re acting strange. I’ve never seen you so happy before. I know this is because of Jesse, but I don’t know what to say about it. You are like a different person.”
“I know, but it’s a good thing. I spent too much time all stressed out. He loves me, made a mistake and I had to get over it. It was what was best for us.”
She held her stomach and I didn’t know how to respond. It all sounded good in theory, but at the end of the day, how could she ever trust him again? I don’t know if I could trust Cal. I wanted to, but he had too much on his record. How was I to really think that he would change all because of me? It didn’t make sense and I wasn’t that naïve.
“I don’t know if I can forgive like that.”
“What is there to forgive?”
“Well, besides the fact that I was the woman he cheated with. I didn’t know about it and I felt horrible about it. You know I would never do that knowingly.”
Anna agreed, but I still felt like she didn’t get it.
“Then I heard a woman’s voice on the phone when I talked to him after the wedding. He says that he wasn’t with no one else, but I don’t believe him. I want to, but I’m afraid of being the idiot that didn’t know about it.”
I stopped when I realized what I was saying and who I was saying it to. That was how it had happened for her and I didn’t want her to think that I looked down on her or anything. She had been the idiot that almost walked down the aisle with him. Now they were back together and having a baby. How do I go from this to that? I was up for suggestions because raising the baby alone did not appeal to me at all.
“I know how it looks, but I am at peace with what happened. You have a lot less to be at peace with Mariss. He is a good man and so is Jesse.”
I knew that she was right, but there was still the concern of him doing the same thing later. What happened in a couple of years when he was ready to move on? I just didn’t know the answer to that and I wanted to, badly.
“You just have to decide what is best for the both of you. It’s not just you anymore Mariss.”
“I know.”
We got to the store and I was glad for a distraction because I needed to think about everything. I was going to have to see him eventually and she was right, he had to know what was going on. I owed him that at least. Whatever happened, was going to happen. I still had to tell him. I knew that it wasn’t going to be easy, but nothing ever was, not really.
When we got back from shopping I was exhausted. It was one of the many things that was changing. I felt sapped of all strength most of the time. I wanted to sit down and put my feet up. Anna was right next to me and she sort of laughed as I covered my stomach with my hand. We looked like twins and it didn’t escape me either.
“What are we going to do?”
“I don’t know. We talked about having kids.”
“Yeah, a long time ago. I stopped thinking about it when Mr. Right never showed up. I didn’t think he ever would and I can’t say that I seen it all happening like this.”
“No, me either. I would have thought we’d be married. I’m afraid to get married to Jesse. I’m going to be sure that someone is going to object again and ruin it all. Maybe we don’t have to be married and it doesn’t have to go as planned. Maybe this is how it was supposed to go the whole time.”
“That is a whole lot of maybes.”
“Yeah, I guess so. There is something to be said about it all working out though. And think, we’ll have babies together and we’ll always have each other to call in the middle of the night when the baby thing goes to hell.”
I laughed, and I could already see it happening. We got into the many horrors and changes that were happening and that were awaiting us when we gave birth. Birth itself was a whole other conversation in and of itself. It was nice to have someone to share this all with. I was just worried about what came next and how it was all going to work out.
I wasn’t paying much attention to the time. Before I knew it, Jesse and Cal were coming in and I stopped mid-sentence. I was talking about the names I was thinking of for the baby. I found out before I came that it was going to be a girl and I really liked the name Ophelia.
But now the man that we’d been talking about earlier was in front of me and I pulled my legs back and sat up. My stomach was showing a little because I’d had it up rubbing it and I stopped dead in my tracks. I didn’t know what to say, but I knew I was going to have to say something. I could see it in his eyes.
“Can I talk to you Mariss?”
I looked over at Anna and she encouraged me with her eyes. The truth was that I was going to have to have this talk with him soon enough. I might as well do it now.
“Do you want us to go for a while?” Anna asked.
“No, I think we’ll just go to his house, right Cal?”
Cal nodded and smiled. He thought he’d won, but I didn’t want him to think that way, not just yet. I wanted him to know the whole story first. Then and only then would I be able to truly know for sure.
I followed him out, determined to have the one conversation I was scared to death to have. I couldn’t go on like this, not for too much longer. This secret was eating me up inside and it looked like it was finally the time to get it out before it finished me off.
This secret also had a timer attached, so I wasn’t going to be able to keep it a secret for much longer anyways.
Cal
I didn’t say much on the way to my house. Mariss was acting like a flighty bird and I was starting to think that what was my original thought was the right one. She was pregnant and the way she was acting around me made me conclude that it was mine. It was the only thing that made sense. There had to be a reason and I was pretty sure that’s what it was. Jesse had been no help to me, so I was just going to have to wait it out. It was about to come out.
“You’re really quiet tonight Cal.”
“I’m afraid to say anything. You haven’t been taking much of what I said the right way.”
“I didn’t mean for earlier. That was really awkward and the only excuse I have is that I really didn’t think I would be seeing you so soon.”
“Was it really that bad?”
“No, b
ut you have to understand that I’m a bit at a loss here. I don’t know what to think and when you started to talk about us, I didn’t know what to say. I’ve had a lot of time to think and kissing you, pretending that nothing happened wouldn’t be right.”
“You’re right. Let’s get it all on the table. That’s what I’ve wanted to do all along. I want to make this work. I spent a long time thinking about you and wondering what would happen if you were here again. Now you are, and I don’t want to mess it up or scare you away. I was with Marsha because I didn’t think I could have you again. I couldn’t go through with the wedding, not when I was in love with you.”
“Love?”
“You have to know that.”
“I don’t know if I do or not Cal. It’s hard to know what’s real and what’s just make believe. I’ve wanted this for so long. I don’t know if this is even real, not really.”
I took her hand and put it to my chest. I was sure that she could feel how hard it was thumping behind my ribs. It was so loud that it was deafening and the more I tried to turn it down, the less able I was to do so. It was just supposed to be this way. When she was around, my heart moved at its own speed and I knew that this was the girl for me. It had to be.
“This is not pretend. This is for real. I’ve loved you for a long time. I fell in love with you in one night and now I love you even more. You are more than I could have imagined for myself. I don’t deserve you and I don’t deserve the family that we will have together, but I want you so badly. This is what I want Mariss. It’s what I always wanted. I just didn’t know it. It took losing you all that time ago to realize what it was that was between us. You were the faint memory in the back of my head and now you’re here. I’m not letting you leave me again.”
She started to tear up and leaned her head on my shoulder. We were almost to my house and that couldn’t come soon enough. I wanted her, needed her and her body was ripe for the taking. I could tell that she needed the physical side of it as well. It was obvious to see that or maybe it was my own need making me see what I wanted to see.