by Lauren Wood
It was all she was getting because she really didn’t want to know my plans. I wanted to assure her that I would be around for a few days, but I still wasn’t sure. I wasn’t anxious to meet her new beau. As old as I was, I still missed dad and her together. It was going to be strange seeing her with someone else.
I walked up the same stairs that I had done a thousand times when I was a kid. It was strange being home when it was like this. It was clean, and I can’t remember far back enough to make it relevant.
When I got up to my room, I sighed to myself. This was the old house I remembered, and I had a mountain of boxes to go through. I was going to find that letter, one way or another. My future was there, I just knew it. It was just going to take a while to find it.
Anna
“I know that life is going to get busy for you Anna and I hope that you remember me. I fell in love with a star on the rise and I know that I may never see you again. It kills me, but I know that you’re going to keep on living. I’m sorry I must go and do this, but one day I hope you’ll understand. One day I hope that you’ll come to me. I know it won’t be in a year, but maybe someday you’ll see what we had was real. I’ll be waiting, no matter how long it takes.”
“Love Matt.”
I read it for a third or maybe a fourth time and I didn’t know what to say. It sounded to me like he knew that I wasn’t going to come to California. He’d been right. I had gotten busy and I’d started dating Jesse not long after that. The calls had become less, the letter less frequent and then they stopped altogether. Why did I walk away from him?
Maybe I’d been sure that I would meet someone else. I had, but I found out that Jesse wasn’t the one for me. I’d wanted him to be, but maybe I was wrong about Matt. It was so confusing, and I was filled with emotions. Now I really did need to take a nap.
I crawled into my old bed and felt like I was finally back home. There was a lot that needed to be done and I had a plan working in my head, but right now, I needed to focus my attention on something else. I needed to sleep and hope that my dreams figured it out for me, because that was the reason I was here to begin with.
The phone woke me up and I hadn’t been given any wisdom when I was sleeping. It was Callie and I answered after I got my eyes to focus on the phone’s buttons. It had been a long day and now it was about to get rougher.
“Hey Callie.”
“Hey? You were supposed to be at work. Are you okay?”
She had this tone that I was delicate, and I was going to break.
“Yeah, I’m fine.”
“Okay, I just didn’t know if you had heard something and was upset again. I’ve tried to reach you at the apartment. Where are you?”
I didn’t want to tell her, but I wanted to tell someone, even if they were going to try and convince me that I’d lost my mind.
“I’m at mom’s.”
There was a silence on the other line and I knew that she was surprised. “What?”
“I know, right? It’s been a while, but I felt like I had to come home. You would not believe what mom’s done with the place.”
“Aww, is it worse?”
Callie had seen my mom’s house in all her hoarding glory and that pity was back that I was really hating right now.
“No, she has actually cleaned it up and started dating her therapist.”
Callie was as shocked as I was, and I was glad to have someone to laugh with about it. It was silly of course, but it took a weight off me so that I was able to tell her the rest of my news.
“Do you remember before Jesse?”
“Not really, what do you mean?”
“That guy I was seeing my Junior year.”
“I don’t really remember him that much because I never seen you. You were always with him. Matt, right?”
I agreed that was who I was talking about. “So, I think that I’m going to go find him.”
“What?”
It was the reaction that I expected, and I told her a little bit about the last time I’d seen him. I knew that it was going to be hard to find him and I may be crazy to even think about it, but what if he was the one and I’d walked away from it too soon?
“Yeah. So that’s kind of out there Anna. What about your life here?”
I shrugged to myself and then sat up on my old bed. “I need a change. I need a big change after everything with the wedding. I’m not hiding, I’m just running off for a while.”
She giggled and told me that I better keep in touch. I was glad that Callie understood. I figured if anyone did, it would be her. Callie had found her love from her past. It was unlikely place, but to me it made more sense than going on some sort of online dating app trying to find love. I’d had it once before and I was bound and determined to find out if I was just out of my mind.
“So how are you going to find him?”
That part I didn’t know for sure. I was going to check and see if I could find him from his parent’s that lived a few blocks away. I hadn’t seen them in six or seven years and it was going to be interesting to see them after all this time. I wondered if they would even remember me or if they were even together anymore. A lot had changed.
Getting up my nerve, I went downstairs after taking a shower and I could smell the stew cooking. It was my favorite since I was a kid and it sidetracked me when I was told it was done.
“So, where’s Charles?”
“Oh, he’ll be around in a while I suspect. He never misses dinner, so I don’t really worry about it.”
I sat down at the table and thanked her for making it. It was good to be home, even if it wasn’t the one that I remembered. Mom was the same, save for a new vibrance that I was slightly jealous of.
We got to talking about life and of course, the past. She wanted to talk about college and it led up to her asking me if I ever saw Matt.
“Why do you ask? That’s completely out of the blue.”
“No, it’s not. He came down last year some time, asking about you and how you were. I hadn’t seen him in ages. He was always such a nice boy.”
I was sure that she wouldn’t have thought that way if she knew the things that Matt used to do to me in his green Mustang. He wasn’t exactly nice, and he had never been a boy.
“You okay dear?”
“Yeah, I just hadn’t thought about Matt in a while. How was he?”
“He looked good. He’s a lot bigger than I remember him being. I think he said something about still being in the Marines. He’s all grown up now.”
I wished that I knew what she’d seen. Matt had always been handsome, but to think that he had bulked up was interesting. My mind wandered, and I took in the information that he was still in the service. That didn’t pinpoint where he was, but I was one step closer to knowing where he was now and figuring out how I could find him. It was a mad idea, but the fact that he’d came looking for me felt like a sign. I wanted to believe it was anyways. I was clutching at air at the moment.
Matt
“We’ve got a call for you Wilson.”
“Huh?”
I was in the middle of small arms training and it was one of my favorite parts of the day. This call better be damn well worth it. I couldn’t believe that my sergeant was coming to tell me. Something was off, and I felt like it was going to be bad news. It was a sinking feeling that came over me that I was going to find out someone just died.
Getting to the phone, I asked who it was on the other line, my voice wary.
“It’s me, Matt. It’s Anna.”
She was the very last person that I would have thought would be calling me and my heart was racing a mile a minute. I didn’t know what to say for a moment. I was standing there, slacked jaw, thankful that she couldn’t see me. She would have likely said something about flies flying in as wide open as it was. I could hear her say that and then the tittering laugh that would follow.
“How did you find out where I was?”
I was in training for special-ops a
nd no one was supposed to know where I was right now. How could she, out of everyone, just pop up and get a call to me? Anna had always found way, but this was even above her pay grade.
“I started making some calls and all you have to do is ask nicely to get what you want. I’ve told you that before, but you never believed me.”
“I always liked the direct approach.”
She giggled and asked how I was. Anna was acting like it was just another conversation and I was not feeling the same way. I was shaking a little bit, just from hearing her voice. How was I supposed to be expected to have something come out of my mouth at the minute? It was impossible, really.
“I can’t believe I’m talking to you Anna. It’s been a long time.”
I wanted to ask her what it was that she wanted. She had to want something. That’s why she was calling, but I couldn’t understand what for. I’d given up on her ever coming back to me. As much as I wanted to hold onto it, going to her mom’s house was the final straw. It was the last chance that I had given us.
“I’ve been looking for you and then mom told me about you coming by. She never told me before.”
“Did you lose track of her as well because that was a long time ago?”
“Yeah, I did. Life got really busy.”
I agreed and waited for why she was really calling. There had to be a reason, I was sure of it. I didn’t know what it was, but surely it wasn’t to catch up. She’d had to go through quite a few people to get to me. I had to think that there was a reason more than this.
“So, what can I do for you Anna? I’m kind of busy now.”
“That’s right. You’ve gone and went all GI Joe, haven’t ya?”
“Yeah, something like that. It was always the plan.”
She sighed on the other side of the line. “Yeah, I remember the plan. I never did much like your plans because they were always without me in them.”
I didn’t know what to say. I remembered well her asking me to stay, begging on the last night even, but I’d been so sure about us. I had just known that no matter how long it was between seeing her again, it was all going to be okay. We’d really loved each other, and I was convinced that it was all going to work out like the plan called for it to. Long story short, it hadn’t, not even in the least bit.
“I can’t believe you’re calling me now.”
“Your letter said to call you and you would be waiting for me. I know that this is silly, but I wanted to talk to you. I want to see you, but they wouldn’t tell me where you were, no matter how much I asked.”
“We’re like two ships passing in the night Anna. I wished I’d known that you were looking for me sooner. That’s why I came to see your mother. I knew I was leaving and going undercover for a few years. It’s been a long time since I’ve heard your voice Anna. It’s good to hear from you, I just wish we had better timing and I wasn’t getting ready to go.”
“When are you coming back?”
“A year and we’ve been here before with waiting.”
“Yes, we have.”
There was a long silence and I would have given anything to know what was going on in her mind. I knew that there was a huge part of me that wanted her back in my life, but once again, I had to go and knowing Anna, she wasn’t going to be there waiting for me when I got back. I’d counted on that once before and it hadn’t happened. She’d never came, and I’d learned later that she’d found someone else. That had been the worst day of my life to date.
“Well it was good to hear from you. Your mom said you were chasing your dreams in the city. I hope it was everything that you wanted it to be.”
Why was I so determined to get off the phone with her? This was the conversation that I’d wanted to have, but once again I had the worse timing as always. Life wasn’t ready for us to be together or maybe it was a sign that I should go the other way. I had said that I would be waiting for her and in a way, I still was, but I still couldn’t have her, and I couldn’t hope on her waiting for me, because I knew better.
“Dreams change Matt and sometimes a girl realizes that she had the right dream but changed it. I regret not coming to meet you. I wish I would have, many times over.”
“Is it because of your broken engagement?”
She was shocked that I knew about it, but I knew that it was exactly what I’d thought it would be.
“How did you know about Jesse?”
“Do you really think that you’re the only one that has gotten information? I’ve gotten better at it and I’ve kept up with you through the years. I didn’t tell your mom about the engagement when I found out that she didn’t know about it. It’s hard to fathom you not even telling her about it.”
“I guess I knew deep down that it wasn’t going to work. I always thought that it would, but maybe I did know better because I didn’t really tell anyone. She never even met him. I knew that she wouldn’t have approved. She always liked you. She told me a few days ago that you were always such a nice boy.”
That made me chuckle. I hadn’t heard that in a long time and even back then it wasn’t true. I wasn’t a good boy. I’d turned her daughter into my little plaything. I’d loved the hell out of Anna, still did, but this was more torture than anything else. It wasn’t like I got a second chance with her. No, I just got a second chance to be disappointed and I knew that I wasn’t going to let it happen. She wasn’t going to get me all wound up and never show up again. There was no telling where she would be when I got out.
“Only Karen would think that. How is she after the divorce?”
“Really good, it’s kind of crazy. House is clean.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. She’s a whole new woman. Found herself a man.”
“That’s good to hear that someone’s happy. I was sorry to hear about your engagement going off.”
“It’s okay. Better to know now, right?”
“I guess. I can pay him a visit sometime if you want me to.”
She knew what I meant and was quiet for a time. “No, I can’t ask you to do that. I hold no grudges. I just want to move on, you know?”
“More than you could ever imagine. I really do got to go Anna. It’s a busy day.”
“It’s a busy life. So, when can I see you again?”
“Like I said, I’m not going towards home for another year. I don’t expect you to wait.”
“Maybe I want to.”
I cursed her for doing it. She’d planted the damn seed of hope in me and now I didn’t know how to feel about it. Why the hell did she have to go and do that? Why did my heart do a little flip in my chest? It was happy to hear such things, but I had to temper my response. I’d learned long ago what happened when I started hoping with Anna. I always got hurt in the end.
Anna
I got off the phone with Matt and I wasn’t sure how I felt about it. He had sounded distant, but it wasn’t like he didn’t want to hear from me. He just didn’t want to talk about anything that had to do with the future. That conversation had been off limits and I didn’t know how to take it. He was different. He sounded different, though what did I expect after all this time?
I wanted to tell him so much more, to explain myself and why it had all worked out the way that it had. I wanted to apologize and for him to see that I was sorry, but it hadn’t happened. He’d rushed it, even though it had taken me three days to call him. It had been no easy feat and I was left staring out the window for a time.
Jesse had come out of nowhere and had really swept me off my feet. It was real in some ways, but the forever part left something to be lacking. It hadn’t worked out for us, even though I knew then that it would. I’d been so sure, and I don’t know why I was able to push Matt out of my mind.
I’d always thought that he’d moved on like I had, but talking to him, I got the feeling that he hadn’t. He sounded like what he’d written was true. He had waited for me, but was it too late now? Matt said he was going to be gone a year and that seemed like
a very long time to me. It had been the last time he’d left like that. Would I be able to wait this time?
It had been far easier than I thought it would be. It wasn’t because I was short on suitors, far from it. But I didn’t want anyone else. I wrote to Matt about once a week, though he never answered back. Because he was doing special operations, I never knew if he got them or not. I liked to think that he did, but there wasn’t an answer one way or another to tell me for sure.
The day was marked on my calendar. It was the day that he was supposed to be home and I awaited it. After it being pages down in the calendar, buried where I couldn’t see it, now it was only a week away. Anticipation was paired with nerves to leave a cocktail of emotions that I was trying to deal with. It wasn’t easy.
I liked to think that Matt knew that I was going to be waiting for him, but I really had no clue. Thoughts would go through my head about him being okay. I knew that what he does was dangerous, and I wouldn’t be notified if something happened. I was just going to have to run on faith for a few more days and see what happens. It was a big step and I was ready to see where it was going to land me, good or bad.
A lot had changed since I talked to him so long ago. I’d tried to go back to the city and get back to my old life, but there were too many reminders there of a life plan that had fizzled out. There was also too many friends to give me the pity look about Jesse and then the encouragement to get back out there. I didn’t tell anyone that I was waiting for a man I hadn’t seen in years. It was crazy sounding, even to myself. I knew that, and I knew that it was going to work. It had to.
So, I moved back to my home town after a month of failing in the city and lived with my mom for a while. Charles was a nice guy and even though I would never see him as much more than her boyfriend, I knew that he was good for her where my dad wasn’t. It was hard to see her so happy with someone other than dad, but I couldn’t be mad at her. She was genuinely happy, and Charles had been able to get through to her. She was like a brand-new woman.