by Lauren Wood
“I forgot how small you are that you can do that. I was thinking we’d get out and…”
Matt stopped when he realized that I’d pulled him out and was situating myself so that I could take him inside of me. I’d worn this outfit for easy access, thinking that we would do it outside somewhere while the party went on, but the peaceful spot we were at now was good too. It made me realize that this was a better way.
“I need to get the first one out of the way.”
“I forget that you’re not talking about me.”
My eyes closed as I felt him thrust upwards as I lowered myself down. I was trying to go slow because I was so unused to his size, but he had other ideas and pushed deep and sudden. The feel of the immediate stretch was overwhelming and had me cursing out loud. My nails dug into his chest and I clenched him hard, trying to keep him from moving. It was always a bit much when he was doing that, and the squeezing didn’t help, but it was unavoidable.
“Fuck Anna, you have to let up.”
I lifted a little and let him come out a few inches before pushing back down and squeezing him. It was all I needed, and I felt the first wave of pleasure.
“Look at me.”
I whimpered as I did, our eyes meeting as he leaned in to kiss me. This was what I’d been waiting on. It felt so damn good to have him inside of me again. How was I going to go on without this feeling ever again?
“Feel better?”
“So much. I’m good now, thanks.”
I played like I was getting out, my hand reaching for the door and he pulled me back down onto his hard cock, pushing me forward as he thrust up inside of me. I cried out from the feel of it all and he growled in my ear, telling me how much he liked the sound of me coming.
Wetness spread out of me and down his balls. I could hear the change of sound as he pounded me for what felt like an hour. Every second felt like minutes and I forgot that I was the one that was supposed to be in charge. It had been so easy for him to control me before because of my size and now it was even easier because of his. He was ripped now and bobbed me up and down on him like there was nothing to it and I weighed not an ounce at all.
I held onto his waist with my knees and pressed against his chest. “Matt, please.”
“You don’t know how much I love to hear you beg Anna.”
That made me gulp because he wasn’t slowing down. He was leaning me back onto the steering wheel and rubbing on my clit as his hips never missed a beat. The wheel was digging into my back, but I didn’t care. I was close to another orgasm, always so close when he was inside of me and all my attention and energy was on that now.
“Please baby. Don’t you want to come?”
“You’re just trying to get me to. Why don’t we move out of here and then I can really fuck you right?”
I shivered with the suggestion and gasped as he leaned forward and pressed deeper to open the door. I was skewered on him and every move, even trying to get out of the car made it worse.
“Does that feel good?”
I didn’t answer him except to hiss when he was finally out of me. The cool air was a balm to my heated flesh. My whole body was wet with sweat and he started to pull off the wet clothes. “I don’t want to do this if I can’t see all of you.”
“You were doing it just fine a minute ago.”
Matt didn’t answer my quip, just pulled the shirt off over my head and dragged the skirt up to my waist when he couldn’t figure out the snaps. He twirled me around and bent me over onto the still-warm hood. His cock was pressed against my wetness quickly, taking my breath away with the sudden thrust. Now he had more room and it just meant that he could go deeper than before. I cried out in pleasure and a slight bit of pain. He’d always been about an inch too long for me. It could see that it hadn’t changed. Matt was still a bit too big for me.
I was left in a magical place. He felt so good inside of me that I didn’t want to stop it. No matter how much I needed to, I was never able to say no to Matt. I hadn’t been able to do it before and I was just as lost trying to do it now. I don’t know why, but there was a big part of me that was going to be broken when the night was over. I wanted to hold onto this feeling if I could because I knew it was going to be the last time. It was bittersweet and soon none of it mattered. I was coming, he was coming and there was nothing left between us.
We laid on the hood for a while, looking up at the stars, trying to make sense of everything. I knew that there was a lot going on in my head, but it wasn’t to be said out loud. This time, it was all to be bottled up, never to be opened again. I was going to miss Matt and more than that, I was going to miss the hope that I had let fill me.
Matt was right about one thing. Hope was a finicky bitch and she had screwed me over about as bad as fate did.
Matt
We didn’t stop our little reunion until the next morning. As it started to get light outside and we had taken a break, or so I thought, Anna was ready to go. I was still basking in the glory of it all, finally being back with her and she was getting to her feet, ready to take off.
“Looks like our night is over. I’ll never forget it Matt and I hope that you are happy with your new family. I know that you’re going to be a great dad and I just wish we would have connected sooner. It’s going to be hard to go on knowing that we can never be, but I’m glad you’re happy.”
I wasn’t happy as I took her home, not at all. I didn’t want her to get out of the car, the same feeling I’d felt many times before came over me. This drive into the past had stirred it all up again, never even giving it time to truly settle down from the first time. Was I destined to love this woman from afar the rest of my life? It was truly starting to feel that way and it all seemed like a cruel joke.
Nadia was sleeping when I got back to mom’s house and I was thankful for that. Evelyn was not sleeping though. She was up and that was a conversation I wasn’t going to get out of having. I could see it in her eyes. She wanted answers and I was going to make to give them to her, no matter how poorly I felt. Evelyn wasn’t going to let it go and she had that stubborn look in her eyes that I unfortunately knew well.
“Where were you last night Matt? I waited up really late and you never came in.”
“You do realize how old I am, right?”
“You left your pregnant, non-English speaking girlfriend here with me, so I think I have the right to ask, no matter how old you are. I’m still your mother and you won’t sass me. You’ve dropped this mess on my lap and I’m not going to lie for you. She asked where you were several times and I didn’t know what to tell her or how I was supposed to tell her anything.”
Her words made me smile, but I tried to pull it in when it came time to talk. She wasn’t up for joking.
“I went to see Anna for a little while. You told me to make up with her and I did. I didn’t mean to hurt her. That wasn’t my intention at all.”
“You did that until six in the morning?”
I didn’t have a watch handy but that sounded about right.
“I took her home and that’s that.”
“That’s that?”
I didn’t want to talk about it, but my mother was always the intrusive sort. She wanted to know the who, what, when and whys of everything, even now apparently. Nothing was off limits with her.
“I’m getting married to Nadia. We have a baby coming and that’s what must happen. I’ve already told you why. Anna knows why too, so we aren’t going to pretend like it would work. I went to say goodbye to her and I thought you’d be happy that I’d taken care of it how I did. I tried very hard to do the right thing.”
She didn’t know how to respond, and I bet she was choking up, but she was damn good at hiding it. She really did like Anna. Mom had always called her the daughter she never had.
“You’ll get used to Nadia. She’s real nice and I’m sure that you will find something that you two have in common.”
Evelyn didn’t look so sure about that, but I wa
sn’t going to press the issue anymore this morning. I had my own demons to think about and what was going to happen next. I was just going to have to have a little faith that the two women in my life would find a way to get along, if not just for the sake of our baby. I knew that mom would calm down soon enough and realize that I was about to have a kid. She had always wanted grandkids like every other mother wanted at her age.
“I’m going to sleep a couple of hours and we can resume this talk later if we must, but nothing is going to change. I’m still getting married, because it’s the right thing. I know that you like Anna and I wish it was different, but this is the way it’s going to go right now, and we are just going to have to get used to it.
She agreed and that was going to be the end of it I hoped. I didn’t want to discuss it all that much myself. It was just a reminder of what I’d lost, and I was still sore about it.
Going back to my old bedroom, Nadia was asleep in the middle of the bed. I could have moved her over, but I didn’t want to. Instead, I took a shower and then slept on the couch downstairs. I was going to give her some space and I needed some myself. This was not what I’d figured would happen on my homecoming and it was almost as intense as the training I’d been through the last year in the military. Everything with Anna was just so much more intense because there was so much more at stake. I’d finally lost her for good now and that was going to take some time to get used to the idea of it.
When I woke up, I was still on the couch, but the day was moving on without me. Mom smiled down and told me that it was about time I get up. She knew where I was last night, but that didn’t mean that she was going to give me a break in the slightest. It was probably her moving around me that had woken me up to begin with. She was making it clear that I wasn’t going to be able to lay down and sleep this morning, no matter how tired I was.
“What time is it?”
“It’s almost noon. I thought that the military made you get up early? It’s in all the movies that you get up at the crack of dawn.”
I just shook my head and didn’t say a word for a minute. Nope, not one moment of break. “It’s not always like that and I’m on leave. It’s the one time I don’t have to get up at the crack of dawn.”
“Well you shouldn’t be laying about. What is leave? When are you going to be home for good?”
That was a question that I didn’t have an answer to. “I think I’ll retire there. I don’t have too much longer until then. The twenty-year mark isn’t that far away and then from there, I will have all the R and R that I can stand.”
She smiled but didn’t get half of it. I forgot that I had to tone down the military talk. She didn’t get much of it when I was talking to her and Evelyn would just look at me with this loss look. I broke it down to her in a way that made sense to a civilian. I’d been in too long this time and it was going to take time for me to get back into the swing of things.
“I’m off for a few months now, so that will be plenty of time. You’ll be sick of me by the time I go back.”
“Now you know that’s not true.”
I looked to Nadia and wondered again how much she understood. She didn’t let on, but I had a feeling that it was far more than I thought. She was always listening. I could see that if nothing else.
“Do you want to go for a walk Nadia? I can show you around the neighborhood. It will be nice to see some old sights.”
Nadia didn’t answer but got up with ease and took my hand. Yeah, she knew a lot more than I thought she did. We needed to have a conversation if that was the case. Why she wasn’t sharing her thoughts was another contention that I was worried about. I really didn’t know this woman at all and I was about to marry her. It was about time that I did find some things out. My life was forever changed because of this. I had to know more about who I gave it all up for.
The conversation on the porch and later in the car did nothing to help me determine more about my soon to be bride. I knew that she didn’t like me driving fast, her dirty looks and rants in Swedish told me that, as well as the way she gripped the bar above her window. She wasn’t at all like Anna, who trusted me. Nadia at some point remembered enough English to tell me to let her out. I drove slow back to the house, disappointed that we couldn’t share that either. She was out of the car quickly like she was escaping a madman.
Nadia picked walking over driving after that first time and we went around town and through the neighborhoods. I found out that Anna was truly gone. She’d gone back to the city and though I still got some looks because of Nadia, I knew that I had to move on. Anna had left again and this time I’d told her to go. It was how it had to be.
Soon I would be a father and I knew that everything would change. I hoped that it would be what I thought it would be. I was excited, nervous, all those emotions and more. I had to focus on what I had and not what I didn’t have.
Anna
Going back to the city after over a year in the rural town of Edelweiss was just like going there again for the first time had been. I’d forgotten how fast everything was here and how much quicker the pace was. It was running amok around me and all I could think about was how much I wanted to be back home. The town was ruined, and the city was where I belonged. It was good to see old friends and I caught up with Callie as soon as she called and found out I was back.
“So where have you been? I mean I know you went back home for a while, but you fell off the face of the planet and forgot how to return calls too?”
“Yeah, I know. I just was focusing on something for a while because I wanted it to work out. I put way too much energy into it and I kind of forgot about the rest of the world for a while.”
“I remember you doing this once before. So that didn’t happen?”
Callie knew what I was doing down there, and I was grateful that she didn’t say his name out loud. I was the worst when it came to finding the right man it would seem. I thought that after all this time, Matt was who I was supposed to be with. I was still trying to get over the fact that he wasn’t. It was heartbreaking to me now. I’d put a lot of emotional energy into us getting back together.
I tried to answer her several times, but I kept getting choked up by the lump in my throat that wouldn’t go down. I’d wanted it to work out so badly, but it just hadn’t.
“No, it didn’t happen.” How could four little words mean so much?
“Are we not talking about it?”
I shook my head that we weren’t. Callie went to her kitchen and brought back a bottle and a couple of glasses. “Now I know I should tell you that you just need time and all of that, but how about we find out how many glasses you need until you’re ready to talk about it?”
I smiled at her and I have to say, that it was the first time that I had really smiled in a long time. This is what I needed. Not just her and not just the alcohol, but both together was the perfect combination. I needed someone to talk to about this mess. I knew that I was going to have to find a way to move on. I just wasn’t sure how yet and I was here, trying to piece my life back together.
It took almost two glasses before I said another word, though I will admit to drinking them rather quickly. I wanted to forget about Matt, but I had to acknowledge it all first before I could. So, I told her the short version of it all and how I waited, got close to his mom, got us a place. I just skimmed over all of it and Callie touched my hand a couple of times. She had the knack of living something with you and I knew her heart was hurting for me.
“And then we said goodbye and here I am, back here. I still haven’t found anything, but it shouldn’t be long. Somehow, I got my old apartment back, landlord said I had perfect timing because either lease had just come up. I don’t feel very lucky, but I’m told that I am.”
“Wow, so you aren’t going to see him again?”
“No, he’s getting married, might already be married. She needs to get married to stay here or Nadia will have to go back to Sweden. We talked about it a little bit, but i
t sort of kills me inside, so I didn’t bring it up all that much. It wasn’t a time for much talking anyways.”
She giggled at my answer and I was still stunned into silence with it all. I knew that I was going to have to figure something out, I just wasn’t sure what. I was going to have to get over Matt. He was starting a family and had a new life without me.
“I didn’t know. You should have called me. Have you not told anyone else?”
“Not really. I am still trying to process it and back home everyone loves him. My own mom blames me for not going to him years ago. She says I made a big mistake and sometimes they can’t be put right. Depressing, huh?”
Callie agreed and sipped on the wine. I wanted to get off the subject and ask how she was. She was talking about getting pregnant again and I was happy for her. Callie’s life had turned upside down for the better when she’d met up with her old high school sweetheart. I’d envisioned something like that happening for Matt and me, but that was not how it worked out at all. Instead I was left hurting more than I was before I sought Matt out. I didn’t regret it, but I regretted the hope that I let seed and bloom for a while. I should have known better.
“Well your mom always was…”
“I know.” I didn’t want her to finish that sentence. My mom was getting better and I was still a little defensive of her.
“You can always stay with us.”
“No, I got my apartment back. I missed it. I’m glad I’m back. I’m going to be okay. I do want to come by when the kids are home though. When are they going to be back?”
“Tomorrow. He loves to take them out to the cabin. I’m not feeling the hard beds right now, so I let them have it. You don’t want to stay here tonight? You know I hate staying alone and since you’re staying there by yourself, we could keep each other company.”