by Lauren Wood
I agreed because I wasn’t looking forward to going back home, plus the fact I was getting tipsy. I didn’t realize how much I’d missed Callie and just being around women my own age. I know that she wished it had worked out different as I did, but at the same time, I knew that I was going to have to move on. I had done it after Jesse and I was just going to have to do it again. This wasn’t the first time I’d gotten over Matt. I may not have got all the way over him, but I was convinced that it was as good as it was going to get.
A few weeks later, I got more bad news. It was silly really, but I’d thought that after that night together, I would have a little piece of him to take with me. I hadn’t been thinking clearly and I should have been happy when I got my period, but it was just more bad news. I wasn’t even going to get that, whether it was right or wrong. I’d wanted to take that piece of him. I would have never told him, never tried to break up what he had going, but I wanted that to work so badly.
Now I was utterly crushed, and I knew now that there was no going back. I should have known it before, but I had suddenly become dense when it came to Matt or maybe I’d always been that way and I just didn’t realize it before. Things were changing rapidly, but that was not going to be one of the changes.
I got a job and started getting set up by friends. I tried to like these guys that I was getting set up with, but I didn’t like not one of them. I kept comparing them to Matt and he was a mighty high yardstick to compete with now. I was just going to have to figure some things out that didn’t include him. Starting over could be scary, but I knew that it was what I had to do. Matt was gone to me now.
Matt
Today was supposed to be the best day of my life, but I was standing in front of the mirror, in a tuxedo, asking myself what the hell it was that I was doing. I didn’t have an answer in my mind or for the guy in the reflection. I don’t know what I was thinking, but I knew that I was going to have to buck up and get out there. Everyone was waiting. The song had been playing for five minutes now and I was sick of hearing it. It sounded more like a death march than anything else.
A month had went by since I’d been home, and the day was finally here. I’d told Nadia that I would marry her, and I was a man of my word, but that didn’t mean that I was saved the sinking feeling of dread that came along with that promise. She was beautiful, and I’d gotten to know her a little better, but at the end of the day, she still wasn’t the one that I wanted to marry. She wasn’t the one that I wanted to watch grow with my baby inside of her.
I heard a knock on the door and I’d hoped that it was anyone else but who I saw there. Chris and Monte were in town for the wedding and I would have taken their half-baked advice to the one who was here to give it now. I didn’t know what to think about it all, but I knew that there was going to be a problem when I saw my mom’s head pop in.
“What are you doing son? You’ve kind of missed your cue a couple of times now.”
I knew that she was talking about the song that was playing on repeat. I wanted to tell her that I couldn’t go through with it, that I was making a big mistake, any of those things would have been true. But this was my decision and I didn’t need her to agree with me now. That wasn’t the help that I really needed. What I needed was someone to tell me that I was doing the right thing, even if it felt wrong right now. I didn’t want to think about all the things that I should have done different. This was my life now. This was the plan.
“Are you getting cold feet?”
“When were my feet ever warm?”
“No, they weren’t son and I told you my opinion and I want to tell you that it’s not too late, but you know that. You know what you must do and what you set out to do. I’m done arguing with you about it, but you have made your decision Matt, now you need to stop making everyone wait. Nadia and the rest of us are out here waiting for you. I need you to make sure that you don’t forget that. While you don’t want to be with one, if you choose her, you can’t act this way. You must go into it with both feet. Nadia is going to really be your wife and you better treat her that way. She’s about to have my first grandbaby.”
Mom had come through for me like I knew that she would. I would have done it anyways, but she was there to remind me that it wasn’t just about me. Nadia was from another country, struggling with the language. I owed it to her just as much as I owed it to myself. If this was the decision that I was going to make, then I had to accept it instead of trying to act like I could do anything different. It wouldn’t be fair to either one of us if I was always sitting here trying to love another woman that just wasn’t to be mine.
“You’re right.”
“Lord, can I get that in writing.”
I chuckled and followed her after a moment. I took one last look in the mirror and knew that this was going to change my life forever. There was nothing that I could do about it. This is how it was going to be.
It wasn’t the best feeling to have when you were at your own wedding, but it was just going to have to do for a while. Maybe we could learn to love each other if nothing else. I mean, it wasn’t like we weren’t attracted to each other. Sex was pretty good. She was beautiful and exotic. I could have done worse…
Then why did I feel like they were playing the music to my funeral instead of my wedding?
Chris was with me as I went to moms to get the last of my stuff. The baby was going to be here any day and Nadia had made it a point that we get a place before she had the baby. She was very adamant, and I was told that it was because of something called nesting. I didn’t get it, but if getting a place stopped her from acting like a whack-a-doo, then I was going to do it. Pregnancy was a mystery and I felt like I was constantly in the firing range. It wasn’t a good feeling at all and I was to the point that I would just be thankful when it was all over.
I walked through the house and got to the kitchen when I saw mom. She saw me and told the person she was talking to on the phone that she had to go, and she was going to call her back.
“You didn’t have to hang up with whoever that was. I’m just here getting another load of stuff. I’ll leave you alone.”
“No, it’s fine son. It would be nice to talk to you and see how you two are doing. I wish that you weren’t leaving like this. I would have been able to help with the baby when it’s born.”
She was acting weird and I felt like she was holding something from me. I didn’t like secrets and since we didn’t have many, I wanted to know why she was acting the way she was.
“Who was that?”
“None of your business son.”
“Now I know that it’s someone good or you wouldn’t be acting that way. Are you talking to dad again?”
She shook her head and told me to leave it. I don’t know why I wouldn’t leave it alone. Usually I didn’t concern with her yakking because it was always women stuff. Even now that Nadia was speaking better English, I still didn’t get half of what they were talking about. What had her all up in arms about this? She had me curious because of the way she was acting.
“I’ll just push redial and find out who it is.”
Evelyn hadn’t thought of that and she grabbed the phone back. “You’ll do no such thing Matt. I said it’s none of your business. Why can’t you leave well enough alone?”
“Why are you acting like this. I didn’t care a minute ago, but now I want to know because you don’t want me to.”
She shook her head and said something about me being just like my father. I wasn’t going to take that personally because I knew that I was on to something. I just didn’t know what that something was. Whatever it was, it was something that she wanted to keep from me. Call it what you will, but I just had to know.
“Then tell me.”
“I was talking to Anna.”
That was not the answer that I was expecting, and it stopped me in my tracks.
“See Matt? I told you to leave it alone.”
I wish I had because now I felt like I’d ju
st been sucker punched by my own mother. I really should have just left it alone because now I could barely breathe. How could just a name get such a reaction?
Anna
Evelyn had to go quickly, and I figured it was just as well because I got a little sad every time I talked to her. We always ended up talking about Matt in one way or another. At first, she’d tried not to, apologizing when she would let it slip, but it wasn’t long at all before I told her that it was fine. It was no use to pretend like we didn’t have that in common and I liked to hear how he was doing. Just because we couldn’t be together, it didn’t mean that I didn’t wish him happiness with someone else. I’d wished it was me, but it wasn’t, and I was trying hard to get that through my thick skull. It was easier said than done.
I’d had news of my own. I’d gotten a big promotion at work and I was now managing almost half a billion dollars in advertising budget for the biggest channel in the city. It was exciting, and I knew that I was finally going somewhere. This was a job that I hadn’t been able to get before because I wasn’t as focused. I’d liked my job before, but I hadn’t liked all the time I had to spend there. I’d wanted more time to be with Jesse. Now I didn’t have anything to break my attention. It was bad for my personal life, but it had been great for my career. I was able to take all the chances that I hadn’t been able to take before.
Life was different now and a big part of it that had changed was my love life, or lack thereof. I had tried to go out with a few guys when I first came back, but I quickly learned that it wasn’t the best idea for me. It was basically a waste of time and the more I tried to think about dating again, the more impossible it would seem. I wasn’t going to find who I wanted because I wanted a man I couldn’t have. It was the oldest story in the book, but it didn’t make it any less true and it didn’t make it so that it sucked any less. All I needed now was a couple of cats and I would be set to go, but I don’t even think I had time for them right now, as sad as that was.
Callie and I still hung out, but we had so much that was different for us now. We were both getting married at one point and now she was married, and I wasn’t. I was the single friend that tried to get her to come out, but she spent the whole time on her phone, if she wasn’t called away on some emergency. To say it wasn’t the same was a huge understatement. It was nothing like it was supposed to be. We were supposed to have kids together and go shopping together. Now I think she just went out with me because I was pitied as her sad little friend. I didn’t want to be that, but now, that’s exactly what I was, no matter how I despised the title given.
Sabrina was my new friend that I’d been hanging out with for a while. She was a divorcee and I had more fun with her. I hadn’t been married and hadn’t been divorced, but I’d gotten close enough to one to have guaranteed the other. Finding out about Jesse had changed me and losing Matt had just sealed the deal. I liked going out with her because she just wanted to have fun and that was exactly what I needed now. It was a good night when I could fall into bed and fall asleep without thinking and sleep without dreaming because my mind always went back to the same man.
So tonight, she picked me up and I needed some forgetting. Talking to Evelyn never helped in that category, but we’d gotten close while I was there last year, and it just seemed mean to ignore her when she called. We’d even talked about going out when I made it back home, but I didn’t know when that was going to be. It might be a few more years before I get the nerve back to go.
This left me feeling a little strange and I was thankful that Sabrina had called about going out. I couldn’t match her energy levels because she didn’t work but part time, but I tried to get out at least a couple of times a week. Sabrina was on the prowl and I wasn’t. That left me as the wingman most of the time. Something that I was getting good at by the judge of things.
Tonight, she was in rare form and I knew that it was going to be a weird night. She was going to be able to get my mind off things. It looked like she’d already been drinking when she picked me up and I offered to let her drive while she touched up her makeup. That was a scary thing when she decided to that while she was driving. I had never been so sure I was going to be in a wreck in all my life. I was sure it would happen at some point, but thankfully tonight she was more about drinking than trying to convince me that she could drive.
She was riled up about something and I should have known what it was before I asked.
“Jim won’t stop calling me and it’s driving me crazy. He calls late at night when he’s been drinking to tell me that he wants to fuck and then he calls in the morning to apologize. I don’t know if I am coming or going with him half of the time and now he’s talking about getting back together. He called right before I left. It’s like he knew that I was going out and he was trying to ruin it for me.”
I didn’t mention that if that was the case, she was always out, but it didn’t seem like the time. “Let’s just get there and start dancing. You won’t even be thinking about him anymore.”
“Does it work for you?”
I shrugged and told her it worked well enough. He wasn’t on my mind all the time, but he certainly wasn’t going anywhere either.
“You get used to it.”
I hoped that it would pull her out of her funk because I wanted to have a good night tonight. I wasn’t in the mood to really talk about love and feelings. I wanted to get drunk and have a good time. That was really all I was worried about now.
“Lighten up Sabrina. This is supposed to be girl’s night. We don’t bring men with us.”
She agreed, but she wasn’t the same bouncy self that she usually was. It made it official. If Sabrina couldn’t get over her man and she had a damn good reason, many, to do so, what chance did I have of ever getting Matt out of my head? I would think it would be easier if he was a jerk. But he wasn’t a jerk. He was great and now I was thinking about him. Fuck.
Matt
The baby was almost here and if possible, my wife was getting stranger. I tried to stay away as much as I could, but it was hard to stay gone when she was so needy. Nadia wanted everything in place before the baby came. I tried to tell her that we could get it all afterwards too. The stores weren’t going to run out of things, but for some reason, Nadia acted like that wasn’t the case. She was adamant that everything be in place. Again, I was told it was nesting, but I was starting to wonder if that’s what it really was. Something was going on in her head and I had no idea what it was.
When I got back from the last load out of the car, she looked at me and frowned.
“What?”
“You forgot the bouncer.”
I sighed and told her that I had it ordered but it wouldn’t be in until next week.
“That won’t do Matt. This baby will be here in a couple of days.”
“Do they really need it right away? I mean there is a bassinet and a swing and some other thing that rocks and plays music. Isn’t that enough for a couple of days for when they get here?”
She looked at me as if I had asked her a question with three heads. “Of course, I need it here before the baby comes! You will just have to go out and get another one.”
I wanted to tell her that she was crazy. “I already paid for it. A couple of days without it will be fine.”
Trying to put my foot down didn’t work, because after the demands weren’t met, Nadia would change tactics and I was far worse off with the next one she’d employ. Nadia started to cry, and I groaned inwardly. I couldn’t ignore that, now could I?
“Is it really that important to you?”
She looked at me hopefully and nodded her head that it was that important. I knew then that I was going back out, even though I’d been out three times today. This was one of two days off that I had from my security job. Being a parent wasn’t at all what I’d thought it would be and being a husband was even further off from previous expectations.
Nadia asked me to get her a couple of things and I did it. I was feeling
more like a slave and would be happier when Nadia had the baby. She was a tyrant at this point, nothing like she was when I met her. Now I wasn’t sure what was going to happen when she had the baby, but I knew that I was going to have to figure something out. Hopefully she’d stop acting like a crazy person soon.
Before I left, I tried to give her a kiss and she turned her face so that I got her cheek. Sex had been off the table for a while, I can’t say that I was too upset about it, but there was something that irked me in the fact that she wouldn’t even give me a kiss. I was bending over backwards for her.
I left the house in disgust and told myself that this would only last a little while longer, though I wasn’t sure if that was true. The baby would be here and that was where the real work started. Everyone that I encountered wanted to remind me of that.
This was only temporary. This is what I’d chose, I had to keep saying that to myself. I chose to do the right thing, but I can’t say that I didn’t regret the hell out of that decision now.
The time had finally come, and I was driving Nadia to the hospital. She was cursing me from the back seat and I was driving as fast as I could possibly go. I’d never known her to speak so much English, but of course it was all cursing at this point. She was not taking the labor part well and she was starting to freak me out. This couldn’t be normal, I kept telling myself. How was this normal?
When we got there, the nurses wheeled her in and I was able to take a break for a few minutes. When I tried to go in to see her, I was told that she’d requested that I not. Now I was flabbergasted, and I sat out in the waiting room. I thought I would be in there, that’s what I was supposed to do.
Instead I waited for a couple of hours and then I was met by a doctor. I was worried that everything had gone wrong while I was sitting out here, but the doctor had some news that was going to gut me the other way.