by Delilah Hunt
Shame lanced into her. Unable to do anything less, Noelle glanced down at her arms. The memory of what she used to do made her knees go weak with nausea. She slid a hand into her handbag and pulled out the key, before shoving it back inside the bag. She knew better than to think Cole would welcome her letting herself into his place. The knowledge pained her, but there it was. She had to accept it and wait.
Noelle pressed the back of her head against the wall. The deep breaths she was taking were not doing the trick. She checked her watch. Jesus, what was taking him so long?
A fleeting thought of the cars she had seen parked along the roadside spun a web inside her head. Was Cole having sex this time with one of those women as she waited for him? Pain lanced through her heart. Noelle squeezed her eyes against the tears pooling at the back of her eyelids. No. She wouldn’t allow her thoughts to stray in that disgusting direction. Cole was hers. She was the one who loved him. Above anyone else. Noelle sighed. How she regretted not telling him days, weeks ago.
Another five minutes passed. Her worry increased tenfold. She wanted to storm across the prairie, find him and rip the hair out of any woman within an inch of him. She hung her head, distraught at her loss of control. She had no idea if Cole wanted anything to do with her much less to run around the ranch hunting him down like a neglected wife. Her heart turned. Would that ever be in the cards for them—a future that included marriage? She’d never entertained the idea before of a lifelong commitment to anyone, now it seemed like the natural direction of their relationship. Her heart, mind, body and soul were already in it for the long run with Cole. Hopefully he felt the same.
She needed to see him. Noelle opened and closed her eyes. Thank God she didn’t have to add another heart-wrenching second to her wait. The faint jingling of spurs had her emotions on high alert. It felt like an eternity instead of one day that had gone by since she’d last seen him.
Ever so slowly, she lifted her head. Her stomach quivered in fear of what she might read in his eyes. Those peaceful eyes that told her everything he lacked the ability to vocalize. The instant their gazes connected she felt it right down to her toes.
Not good.
Noelle flinched at the lackluster cloud in his dark eyes. God help her, it was that bad. As she watched him walk down the path toward the small doorstep, each long stride seemed to take forever and a day. Noelle couldn’t wait a moment longer. She bounded over the concrete step, stopping in front of him.
His gaze lingered on her face then lowered toward her arms, before looking away. Embarrassment and shame welled inside her. She felt eighteen all over again, experiencing the utter despair after the high had worn off. Had he been wondering if she carried any track marks he hadn’t noticed? She tugged on her sleeve. Why hadn’t she worn a long sleeve shirt? At least she wouldn’t feel so naked and aware of her arms, what she used to do with them.
“Don’t look at me like that,” she whispered, annoyed at herself for letting his reaction get to her so much.
Cole looked her in the eyes and arched an eyebrow as if he hadn’t expected her to cut to the chase.
“My father spoke with you, didn’t he?”
He nodded. “Your father said a lot of things.”
“Things that bother you? That you hadn’t expected to hear?”
His lips curved with a sardonic tilt. “Yes.”
He shook his head at her, as if she was guilty of committing a heinous crime. His eyes went to her arms again and in a furious motion, he pointed at them and made a jabbing motion then curled his lips in obvious disgust. Noelle blanched when he began signing quickly, words she didn’t understand, could only tell they attested to his anger.
She wanted to cry. A grown woman and she wanted to fall to the concrete and sob because the one person she loved with all her heart was about to turn his back on her. Her worst fear.
She held it together, tightening her fist for added strength. “Cole. I’m not proud of what I did. I wish I hadn’t made those mistakes, becoming involved with some of the people I did and…” She took a deep breath. She hated voicing it out loud that she had been stupid enough to get involved with illegal drugs. “I was spoiled, selfish and didn’t give a shit about what happened to myself one way or the other. The person who didn’t care about herself and anyone around doesn’t exist anymore. It’s my past. You can’t be angry about that.” Noelle held out her hands. “You didn’t know me back then, Cole. You have no right to be upset with me for that.”
The harsh lines on his face deepened. Cole made no effort to communicate with her. Frustrated and hurt Noelle lashed out. She knew exactly what his problem was. He placed her on a goddamn pedestal that was now kicked out from under her and he couldn’t deal with it. Couldn’t handle her being less than the perfect woman he’d conjured to soothe his male ego.
She cocked her head to the side. “Let’s have the truth, Cole. You’re embarrassed, aren’t you? Are you scared about what everyone will think if they find out your girlfriend knows what the inside of a rehab looked like? That I can give a personal account of withdrawal symptoms? Not the typical things you cowboys discuss, is it?” She laughed without mirth. “You think I haven’t heard it all? Ooh, Noelle, such a fucking disgrace to her parents, making the rest of us look bad.” She waved a hand in the air, feeling the old hurt rising. “I’ve dealt with it and I’m not about to take another trip down that road of guilt. I’m tired of it. Tired of feeling ashamed of myself for something I’ve worked so hard to overcome and most of all, I’m tired of not living up to unrealistic expectations from everyone around me.”
If she thought her words would have any effect on him, she relinquished that idea. Noelle gazed into his eyes hoping for some clue to see if anything had changed at all. Nothing. He had closed himself off from her.
Hurt and anger forged into mindless fury. “Nice isn’t it, Cole, to use your disability as an excuse to block me out. You’re being such a fucking hypocrite. I never pretended my feelings for you. Yes, I kept some things about myself from you, but now it’s in the open, get over it and let’s move on. I’ve always known the truth about you, accepted you as you are. While you might want to think of me in terms of my past, I hope you take a damn good look in the mirror. You’re no catch yourself, Cole. You think I can’t do better than a ranch hand without a penny to his name and who can’t even talk?” The moment the words fell from her lips she wanted to take them back. She was getting carried away, allowing her anger to cloud her thoughts and further the carnage. Taking a deep breath she stared at him, expecting, hoping to see a righteous anger on his part.
A muscle ticked in his jaw. Both hands were clenched at his sides. Good. At least she had something to work with. Noelle willed her nerves calm. She reached for his hand, pulling back when he took a step backward. Her heart sank. She was his woman. Did he no longer care?
She folded her arms to keep from reaching out to him again. “I’m just me. Noelle. The woman standing in front of you. The truth is, I’m not rich and my life has been anything but glamorous, despite how hard I tried to make it appear that way. My parents are rich, not me. I don’t care about money and I don’t care that you can’t speak. All I care about is you. Us.”
The tension in his muscles held firm. Cole looked as if he hadn’t heard a word she had said. Or didn’t care.
Features harsh, he stuck out his hand and pointed in the other direction. “Go.”
Noelle blinked. Her heart dropped to the pit of her stomach. She straightened her shoulder and lifted her head. How easy it was for him to let her go as if she was one of those women who threw themselves at the cowboys with no expectation in return.
“If it’s that easy for you to give up on us, then I’m wasting my time here. You want perfection, Cole. You want some dream woman, go find it in one of your little farm girls back home. I can’t give you that.”
Noelle turned and held her breath. Please let him follow me. She needed to hear his heavy footsteps behind her. Need
ed to feel him take a hold of her hand, wrap her in his big arms then apologize for making her believe for even a second that he no longer cared about their relationship.
No such luck. Cole slung on his hat and strode toward the door as if she didn’t exist.
Noelle fought back the tears and gripped her chest. It hurt so much to breathe and she was trying so hard not to break down. The sad thing was, as much as Cole’s inability to accept her past hurt, not for a split second did she regret their time together. How could she? He had been so good to her and despite the fact that he considered her undeserving of his attention and emotion, Cole did show her for a time how it felt to be with someone who valued her, cared for her. Just because he no longer wanted her, it didn’t mean someone else wouldn’t be able to look beyond and care about her.
Her heart clenched at the very notion. Her stomach roiled at the thought of touching another man, being touched or caressed by anyone other than Cole. Noelle heaved a sigh. She didn’t want anyone else and somehow, someway she was going to make him understand that they belonged together.
Chapter Fifteen
Cole washed the remaining dirt off his boots. He pushed the empty bucket aside and glanced toward the barn. At least the horses would have nothing to complain about for the next couple of days.
Lucky bastards.
He reached for his hat, pushing it low over his face, in spite of the cloudy September skies. The wind bristled and wailed heralding the first signal of the brutal winter that loomed ahead. A winter he still had a shitload of work to prepare for if they wanted to hold on to the ranch for another spring. If he was to have any chance of winning her back.
Noelle. Cole braced his hand against a tree, a piece of bark falling to his foot. Would there ever come a time when his mind didn’t turn to her, his heart didn’t beat a little faster at the thought of seeing her again, holding her close and smelling the fragrance from whatever the hell it was she used in her hair.
Damn, he could almost feel those lovely strands on his fingertips, his hand fisted in her hair guiding her mouth on his cock. He pressed his hand firm against the tree trunk, feeling his shaft swelling at the memory of Noelle on her knees before him, her luscious lips stretched around his penis, the night before he’d learned about her past.
Cole grimaced. He knew Noelle thought his dismissal of her had to do strictly with her past and while it did affect him, it also gave him the reason he’d been looking for to end it before she said the words he knew were bound to come one day—that he wasn’t good enough for her.
A bit of provoking and she’d said exactly what he knew was coming and now realized was the plain truth. Noelle deserved someone who wouldn’t have blinked an eye at her indiscretion, someone who would have exalted her and remind her of the strength it must have taken to beat an addiction. He’d done none of those things, instead he had turned his nose up at her, in the same fashion others had done to him his entire life and focused on his selfish need for perfection in someone else because he’d never be able to come close to it. What an impossible and heartbreaking task he had assigned her.
He had let down the one person who meant the most to him. His loving, beautiful Noelle, who had done nothing more than treat him like the man he always wanted to be treated as. She didn’t see him as a big dumb mute. She had looked past his imperfections and wanted him with a passion he never thought to experience in this lifetime. And fuckhead that he was, he hadn’t been willing to extend that courtesy to her. Hadn’t even sought her out and given Noelle the courtesy of a goodbye after he realized he’d have to return to Elk Basin much earlier than his plan for the end of summer.
He was going to make it up to her. It wasn’t going to happen overnight, but he was going to do everything humanly possible to make the ranch successful. If she saw how hard he worked to make the ranch a success, then maybe it would be easier to win her back. Noelle deserved nothing less than the best and he was going to be the man to give it to her. He had to.
There was simply no way he could show up in Copper Mesa at her parent’s house and expect that an apology would set things right. He couldn’t believe that Noelle would give a shit if he told her he could barely sleep at night because of the way he had hurt her when she needed his reassurance the most. No. He’d have to go after his beauty with something much stronger. She needed to know he’d always be there for her and that he’d be able to take care of her the way any man should for his woman.
Christ, he despised himself. Cole shook his head and slammed his fist against the tree. He hated remembering the look of dismay on her face when he’d told her to go. He couldn’t believe he’d treated her like that. Noelle, who had lain in his arms, held him to her as he released inside her. His cock swelled. How he missed returning to that little bedroom after a long day on the range and seeing Noelle sprawled out in the bed, the linen hugging her satiny brown skin as she waited for him to join her and slide his cock inside her warm cunt.
Cole lifted his head, catching sight of milky twilight above. Another reminder of her and the night by the river, the first time he got a sample of what was in store for him between her thighs. And of course the stars scattered across sky also meant he’d lost track of the time again. It made no difference. What was another hour or two working if sleep was intent on evading him?
Cole guessed it was well after ten o’clock. He looked toward the main house, knowing his parents were in there, hopefully sound asleep and their mind eased somewhat that he’d taken over the duties. They had probably assumed he’d quit working hours ago. He couldn’t. There was too much at stake, too many people depending on him.
Ready to turn in for the night, Cole stopped as a figure, huddled under a thick sweater, made his way from the house. His father. He thought the man would be in bed resting.
“Cole, why don’t you go on in? Your mother’s awake and inside worried and I’m terrified you’re going to end up like me, a broken down cowboy way before your time.”
Too late for that.
“I’m fine. You’re the one who shouldn’t be out here.”
“Neither should you. It’s not good for a young man to spend every waking minute working.”
Cole lifted an eyebrow. He’d been working since before the crack of dawn ever since he’d left school. It was the only thing he knew. If he didn’t put in the hours who else would?
“I have to.”
His father coughed, the hacking force shaking his fragile body. “You don’t have to, Cole. Your mother, brother and I appreciate everything you’ve been doing to keep us afloat.” His father looked up at the moon. “I guess what I’m trying to say, son, is that maybe it’s better if we sell the place. Your mom and I can move into a smaller place, you’d be free to do something for yourself and not be tied down to the land taking care of us.”
Cole stiffened. His father couldn’t be serious. All the years of work he…they’d put into this place and now he wanted to get rid of it. If that happened, he wouldn’t be able to lay claim to a single thing in this world. He’d already lost Noelle, he couldn’t bear to lose the ranch, not when it was so important in getting her back. To show her that he would be able to take care of her.
He shook his head. “That’s not an option. This is important to me.”
His father sighed, brows furrowed. “Sometimes I regret buying this place. I had such high hopes about our life here. Wanted to give your mother a good life, you and your brother too. Sometime things just don’t turn out the way we planned it, huh?”
“Derek will be fine. He won’t have to worry about this place.”
A hand went around his shoulders as his father spoke. “I’m sorry about that Cole. I mean your mother and I. It wasn’t fair that you never had the same opportunities.”
Cole shrugged. It didn’t matter anymore. “Can’t change the past, dad. I just really need this to work out.”
His father sighed. “What if we never get the ranch up and running again, Cole? I’m worried abou
t you. You’ve been doing this for weeks now, it’s gonna take a toll on you after a while, believe me. I’m pissed at myself for not being able to help you as much as I should. How long are you going to keep this up —working yourself into the ground?”
Cole ran a hand through his hair. For as long as it takes before Noelle forgets me. “I can’t stop. It’s not just about me.” Cole paused and thought for a moment if he should even mention Noelle to his father. He did. He needed to talk about her. “I have someone else to think about.”
His father’s eyes widened. Understanding reflected slowly in his murky eyes. “Well. hell. I didn’t know you were seeing anyone. Is she from around here?”
A smile spread across his lips. “Are you insane?” he asked, thankful for the shift to humor. The last time he’d seen a woman within five miles of the ranch under the age of fifty had been five years ago. And he didn’t like remembering that episode.
His father laughed. “Heck, you never know.” He looked at him in seriousness. “Almost had me worried there. So who is this young lady? Someone who works at Somerset’s ranch?”
He shook his head. “No. She lives next door.” A look of excitement crossed his father’s face. He knew the man was expecting to hear how well everything was between him and her. Cole quickly jumped on it. “There’s not much to tell anymore. I messed things up with her. Hurt her.”
His father waved a hand and let out a whoosh of air. “You’re not the first man to make a mistake with the woman he cares about. Always remember that. Are we going to meet her sometime?”
Good question. He would like nothing more than to introduce Noelle to them, have her as a member of his family in spite of what little they had to offer.