How to be Topp

by Geoffrey Willans

  Grate Latin Lies

  The customs of the Gauls were honourable

  Great crimes were rare in ancient times

  The girls were beautiful

  All the Romans love home

  4

  A FEW MOMENTS IN THE UNDERWORLD

  It is no use sooner or later it has to come you must talk about your felow sufferers e.g. the boys with whom you are forced to mingle. Some are strong others are weedy so it is quite simple.

  If boys are strong you sa gosh grabber it was too bad you made a duck at criket it was dashed bad luck you hapned to make a blind swipe and thereby lost the match. The ball was a googly which had you not closed your eyes tight you mite hav seen. (Tact)

  If a boy is weedier than you it is diferent you sa Look at little baby made a duck little baby couldn’t hit a flea. (Get tuough policy)

  Of course weedy boys always rely on WORDS. e.g. How many did you make last time molesworth?

  o

  Yar boo sucks 1 b w i supose the old story i would not swank if i were you after all some are selekted others are not some hav an aptitude for the game others just slog. Slogging never got anyone anywhere.

  (This is the time when you spring upon him mightily and proove that criket may be all very well but not very realistic in the modern world where anyone may next moment be going to mars. Xcept of course that mars may hav a joly good team which can make 10002 so boo to huton bedser and all the rest.)

  But i digress hem-hem BOYS fall into a lot of types which are all repulsive as i shall make clear.

  CADS

  Cads hav always a grandmother who is the DUCHESS of BLANK hem hem. They are inclined to cheat at conkers having baked them for 300 years in the ancestral ovens. These conkers belong to the national trust they are so tuough and if you strike one your new conker fly into a 10000000000 bits.* In this case there is nothing to do about it xcept to SMILE.

  Back to cads. They sa wot skool are you going to. You sa well it is one of the lesser known publick skools it is called GRUNTS it is in devonshire and my pater thinks that becos it is ok for sons of retired clergymen i will be ok. to eton for you i supose? It is always eton and good luck to them they go to a good show in spite of the fog.

  eton is a small paradise in the thames valley. New bugs who arive are met by the maitre d’hotel who sa Welcome sir we have to put you in suite number 2 this is only temporary sir you understand no bathroom no shower your toothpaste will be waiting for you frozen in the wash-basin.

  YOU MUST HAVE PATIENCE. In 3 years you can despise EVERY-BODE the LOT. If you are lucky you can even call the matron a dame which takes a bit of doing. So wot you are still in the thames valley then you can put your shoulder againgst, a wall and achive o but less than nothing. CHEERS CHEERS WIZZ WIZZ. Less than no marks to the dear old skool imagine me in a topper eh gosh.

  As i sa i am down for GRUNTS wizz wow which is an ancient foundation and full of boys to whom masters hav said You’ll never pass the CE molesworth never. But they pass into GRUNTS all right which receive them with open arms.

  Cads always ask you about your pater and mater e.g.

  Wot does your pater do, molesworth?

  Not a stroke positively not a stroke (a lite larff)

  He is in the city i suppose

  Som of the time at other times he is in earls court it depends (more larffter)

  But what is his job?

  You canot get out of this one. There are a lot of jobs for which the younger generation are being trained up to take the places of their fathers. There is a bird seed merchant, skoolmaster, pigeonfancier brassfounder skinner stockbroker and a lot of others in fact it is shoking how many there are. But all of them sound deadly when you sa your pater do them. Like mum you could wish sometimes that your pater was a bit more glamorous but hay ho. The only thing is to jam your monocle in your eye and sa i kno your pater is a lord pauncefoote but he could jolly well do with a new suit.

  Then run like the wind. Ho Jenkins sponge the mud of the county from my knees and I will stroll into deten.

  OIKS

  Oiks used to be tuough boys who had not our advantages. Passing us and observing our pink caps and blue noses oiks call out

  OO er coo lumme look at them.

  Then they buzz a conker.

  At this any boy of spirit sa charge ta-ran-ta-ra ta-ran ta-ra cut them down with your swords men. If the whole croc descended upon the oiks how surprised and wot would miss pringle do then poor thing. Aktually this never hapens for odd reason: Miss pringle address us a lecture.

  Take no notice of them molesworth. They do not kno any beter. They kno well enough to hit peason on the nose? The old man’s beard is thick on the hedges and soon the shy wild violet will be flowering. No molesworth i am not trying to change the subject. Duck! Heads! Oh, what can all this be? Another shower of conkers? Take no notice take no notice. WAM BIFF ur-ur-ur. Keep on the pavement, tinies, do not break ranks. As i was saing the old man’s beard is thick upon the – SPLOSH. Keep close this is when your discipline counts. The sqadron must get through and they shall never capture the standard.

  And so the oiks behave as they always hav. The trouble is that among any number of oiks there is always a big one called Ern. Ern is a buly. Everyone sa stand up to bulies they will run away but do not believe it. A lot of them stand still and then where are you eh? i will tell you you are in the duck pond and it is joly freezing.

  Lately however things are a bit diferent. The oiks have become v. well dressed certainly beter than pauncefootes pater and their skools are quite remarkable with all those windows to let the sunshine in. You only hav to look to see what goes on in there. First the foyer then the palm court lounge and swiming pool and lovely women ect. (Cor crikey ermintrude your pigtails are ropy toda. Can i sip a milk and orange juice with you at the brake.) Well that’s what these new places are like and you can pla as long as you like with the skool plutonium plant. Yet our paters and maters shell out to send us to st custards but that is the way it is we just hav to put up with it.

  GOODY-GOODIES

  There is no beter xsample of a goody-goody than fotherington-tomas in the world in space. You kno he is the one who sa Hullo Clouds Hullo Sky and skip about like a girly. i mean you are just zooming about taking pot shots at various new bugs with your catapult when fotherington-tomas sa Do you think you should be doing that, molesworth, is it kind. Can you not hear the shrieks of agony? To which i repli If i had a germ gun i would blast them with 5 trillion bakterial volts so they are getting off litely. But somehow the plesure has gone.

  Goody-goodies believe in fairies father xmas peter pan ect. and unlike most boys they are kind to their sisters. Lots of boys are unfortunate enuff to have weedy sisters which must be worse even than having molesworth 2 for a bro. You can imagine wot goes on in the fotherington-tomas home.

  ARABELLA FOTHERINGTON-TOMAS (who is knitting 5000 yards of woollen reins): i am so glad our cotage is called swete lavender.

  FOTHERINGTON-TOMAS (looking up from his story about wee tim in chatterbox): so am i. There are brownies living in the dust-bin. i saw one this morning.

  ARABELLA: Hurrah that makes me feel hapy.

  F-T.: Sing me your skool song arabela.

  ARABELLA (at once): Ho for bat Ho for ball

  Ho for hockey and lax and all

  miss dennis is strict,

  miss hamilton fair

  But miss peabody (gym) is both strict and tall.

  (There is a mighty racket outside, molesworth hammers on the door)

  Open in the name of beelzebub.

  But so grate is the noise of the skool song that noone come so wot is there left for me to do? i climb into the fairy coach whip up the mice into a gallop and zoom away.

  BULIES

  Every skool hav a resident buly who is fat and roll about the place clouting everybode. This is nesessessery so that we can all hav a sermon from time to time chiz e.g. if you are strong remember the little felow. Give him a helping
hand do not bash him up. Perhaps he hav been anoying perhaps he have said you have a face like a squashed tomato. Wot of it? Perhaps the little felow is right. You have got a face like a sqashed tomato. Ect.

  Every skool hav a resident buly who is fat

  well you kno how they go on.

  There are 2 kinds of buly. There are fat bulies who can run fast and fat bulies who can’t run for tooffe. There is nothing to be done about fat bulies who can run xcept to be polite to them e.g. good morning grabber you bilge rat pax pax pax pax. i didn’t mean it really i didn’t ow ow paxpaxpax.

  On the whole this is hardly satisfactory.

  Bulies who can’t run are beter. You can watch them swanking up the coridor then zoom past chanting Look at the clot-faced wet. Buly turn red as a beetroot and stump after you like a giant but too late you have melted into the distance hem-hem. 3 days later buly come up to you when you are sitting at your desk. He sa: Look here molesworth you called me a clot-faced wet wot do you mean by it? Then you shake your head. Me? No dash it honestly word of honour (fingers crossed) I would not dream of using such uncouth words. Somebody else must hav thort you were a clot-faced wet as well.

  WAM.

  But the nimble molesworth have skipped litely away the buly is left cursing. Bulies are pathetic objects whom i diskard. There is only this. Just let a junior tick call me a clot-faced wet in 2 years time and you’ll see what i’ll do.

  SNEKES

  Everyone kno wot snekes are they are unspekable but they abound in every skool e.g. i am just cutting up my bungy under cover of the blotch in preparation for all-out barrage when sneke sa

  LOOK AT WOT MOLESWORTH IS DOING BEHIND HIS BLOTCH, SIR.

  The master look up dreamily from his novel of love and passion. He sees nothing his eyes are glazed he is still with the hero and GURL in the desert. Besides he ma not want to think wot i am doing behind the blotch it might be more than his delikate nerves can take.

  HE IS CUTTING UP HIS INDIARUBER SIR IN CONTRAVENTION OF SKOOL RULE 66 (c) para 3.

  The master come to earth.

  ‘I supose that is true, molesworth,’ he sa. He stretches languidly for the punishment book. ‘The usual, molesworth. Put it away and get on.’

  This is the signal for the whole klass to sizzle like a steam engine saing ‘Sneke sneke snake.’ Sneke looks highly delighted with himself and put out his tongue. He will be the hon sec of a tenis club when he grow up and serve him right no fate is too bad. Master give long sigh and take up his novel agane. The beaituful lydia parkington is better than j. caesar so i do not blame him.

  Gabbitas creeps round the wood one way

  5

  HOW TO BE TOPP IN ENGLISH

  i have said there only one peom in the english language e.g. The Brook which chater chater as it flo my dear it is obviously a girlie just like fotherington-tomas. However there are other peoms which creep in from time to time there is one which go

  Har fleag har fleag har fleag onward

  Into the er rode the 600.

  There are as well lars porsena of clusium elegy in country churchyard loss of the royal george and chevy chase. Anything to do with dafodils is also grate favourite of english masters but then nothing is beyond them they will even set burns (rabbie) who is uterly weedy.

  It is farely easy to be topp in english and sometimes you may find yourself even getting interested. If that happens of course you can always draw junctions and railway lines on your desk viz

  EXPRESSION

  Sometimes english masters make you read peoms chiz chiz chiz. You have to sa the weedy words and speke them beaitfully as if you knew what they meant. Fotherington-tomas thinks this is absolutely super and when he sa he wander lonely as a cloud you think he will flote out of the window. Some cads roters and swots love to read they beg for the chance and put their hands up saing sir sir sir please sir as if they are in agony. English masters who are always perverse then sa molesworth go on CHIZ.

  SIR THE BURIAL SIR OF SIR JOHN MOORE SIR AT CORUNNA SIR

  (A titter from 2B they are wet and i will tuough them up after.)

  Notadrumwasheardnotafuneralnote

  shut up peason larffing

  As his corse

  As his corse

  what is a corse sir? gosh is it

  to the rampart we carried

  (whisper you did not kno your voice was so lovely)

  Not a soldier discharged his farewell shot.

  PING!

  Shut up peason i know sir he’s blowing peas at me

  Oer the grave where our hero we buried.

  (A pause a grave bow i retire and Egad! peason hav placed a dainty pin upon mine seat. Fie!)

  Occasionally you can work a wizard wheeze that the english master reads. This is not so difficult becos all masters like to show how it should be done. They look very grave turn the pages and announce

  THE RETURN OF THE CHIFF-CHAFF

  The class palpitate with excitement at the prospect of so exciting a story. Master slowly and sadly cast his eye to the ceiling and then down to the book while pupils prepare huge dumps of ammunition, train guns and ease atomic catapults.

  MAGISTER: (in a deep sad voice) The chiff-chaff, the comon warbler of his moorland district, was now abundant, more so than anywhere else in England. (BONK) two or three were flitting about (eeeauowoooo – WAM) within a few feet of my head give me that peashooter molesworth and a dozen at least were singing within hearing (ur-ur-ur-ur-ur-ur) chiff-chaffing near and if this noise continues i shall stop reading and give you some parsing far, their notes sounding strangely loud at that still, sequestered spot. (CRASH BONK WAM WHIZZ)

  Listening to that insistent sound I was reminded of Warde Fowler’s words please sir, molesworth is strangling me stand on your chair molesworth CRASH words about the sweet season which brings new life and hope to men there is no need to cry fotherington-tomas and now a BONK and BANG is CRASH on it by that same bird’s ur-ur-ur-ur-ur-ur eeeauowooo –

  (MAGISTER continues nothing can stop him while the ELEVES disport themselves merily each small one to his own inclinations. It is thus indeed that n. molesworth acquired that grate love for english literature which was such a comfort to him in later years hem-hem.

  What it all amounts to is that english is chiefly a matter of marksmanship. You can always come topp if you lay the rest of the class out but as auden sa so witily no cracked shot can hit every time. Ho fie lo egad and away for it is the BELL and it tolleth for me cheers cheers cheers.

  THE MOLESWORTH DAY-DREAM SERVICE 2

  THE SPACE-SHIP TAKES OFF

  EEEeeeeeaouh space ship away inside all is quiet as Captain molesworth the interplanetary clot eases the controls towards uranus. An hour later they touch down.

  ‘Late as usual,’ grumble molesworth 2.

  LOOK OUT!

  A poisoned projectile from mars embedd itself in the uranium. As they bend to pick it up 150 treen pirate rockets pancake down beside them.

  ‘Now i hav you capt. Molesworth,’ grit the PUKON, the MASTER MIND. ‘Hav you anything to declare?’

  ‘2 pairs of nylons, some old bungy and the skool dog.’

  ‘Arrest him!’

  The treens step forward and bind him.

  ‘WOW, O PUKON.’ they sa.

  ‘Put him in the reactor, o clot-faced doodlebugs.’

  ‘The reactor is full, O PUKON. You always put the earth men there and they always escape it is very depressing. It is the same with the furnaces and the steel doors. Always get out at the last moment.’

  ‘Try the moon-crater full of monsters.’

  ‘Full too, O PUKON.’

  ‘Dash it,’ snarl the PUKON but as he speak Capt. molesworth’s fist smash into his jaw . . . . . .

  Go on, molesworth.

  Er what, sir?

  We hav been reading the water babies molesworth in turn round the class is it possible that you hav not been following?

  yes sir of course sir.

  then pray con
tinue but i see you canot. It would appere boy that mrs doasyouwouldbedoneby does not amuse you that the adventures of tom the sweep are shall we sa somewhat insippid that chas. Kingsly’s matchless prose is perhaps a trifle demode It would appere also boy that you have beter thorts, a suficient knoledge a master grasp . . . . . .

  ect. ect. ect. ect. ect. ect. Class think this all highly amusing chiz chiz and larff like anything and thus the gosamer SPELL is broken. Pon my soul dear darling arabela but LIFE is tuough.

  6

  WIZZ FOR GAMES

  Skool acording to headmaster’s pi-jaw is like LIFE chiz if that is the case wot is the use of going on? There must be give and take, fair weather and foul, triumph and disaster but he do not give the exact proportions. Anyway finaly he come to it. There must be WORK – yes but WORK and PLA. You have guessed wot is coming next it is inevitable. ALL WORK AND NO PLA MAKES JACK A DULL BOY. i don’t kno about Jack but in my case it is certainly not that which hav made me dull. It is all pla and no work but let it pass.

  Headmasters hav to hav some sort of excuse for games so that they can drive all boys and masters out into the foul and filthy air while they stir the coals into a blaze and setle down with one of the gangster books they have confiskated. In the last 5 minits they appear on the touchline and shout GET INTO HIM MOLESWORTH GET INTO HIM it is all very well i am cold and covered with mud the only thing i want to get into is a bath ha-ha.

  And talking of baths they are all mighty ones at our skool. It take you 3 days to climb up the side and when you get to the topp it might be everest giddy heights and a sheer drop into icy water. There are 3 elks which turns each of the huge brass taps but the cold elks work harder than the HOT chiz. Zoom down the side with a mighty slide and not so much as a st. bernard dog with a keg of the STUFF to revive you but wot hav all this to do with games eh. Games are not bad and they foster our natural development (official).