How to be Topp

by Geoffrey Willans

  Pijaw. Mater then give pi-jaw e.g. Now you will behave nicely won’t you nigel and you won’t do wot you did to cicely last time.

  Oh no mater rather not.

  You promise?

  Oh yes and i will sa nothing about her dolly either.

  And you will not shout Cave Cave here they come when they ring the bell? You will not repeat wot Daddy sa at brekfast about mabel entwhistle? Nor sa rice pud ugh at lunch.

  No No dearest mama perish the thort.

  You had beter not, rat.

  The Works. Mabel entwhistle arive in a super car a bentley or aston martin which show that mr entwhistle hav a clue or 2 which is more than pop hav. Women thro themself into each others arms like guided missiles.

  Gaze in mirror at yore strange unatural beauty

  ‘Darling darling (chiz) how lovely to see you after all these years.’

  Visitor then gaze about as if she hav never seen anything more beaituful in the world in space.

  ‘How swete your house is!

  (Thinks: a dump.)

  ‘nigel! this must be nigel! Wot a good-looking boy.

  (Thinks: Ugh.)

  ‘And your younger boy how luvley.’

  If anyone can call molesworth 2 luvely you kno she is telling a whoper even blue corduroy trousers do not make him into bubles not by a long chalk so it show how empty and artificial ect. hem-hem.

  Enter CICELEY entwhistle.

  YOUR MATER: ‘Ciceley! She’s already a beauty. Such hair Such eyes’ ect.

  (Thinks: Gosh wot a plane child.)

  And so it go on the lunch is cold molesworth 2 drop the sprouts ciceley can’t eat the steak and all larff wot screams children are to be sure. Zoom out into the garden and ciceley folow litle does she kno gay child wot is coming to her. Enuff said. The maters jaber away until teatime and at length the ghastley day is over.

  Our Ancestors

  nigel is so sensitive

  I was awfully stupid at lessons when I was a girl

  I don’t see why you should look ashamed of me

  The trousers are a little long but I think he will grow into them

  Goodbye darling Give your little motherkins a kiss!

  KITCHEN-WISE

  When i was a gurl yore mater sa the butler the cook and the parlourmaid did all the work. Of course all maters are dredfully old, about 96 approx, so it may hav been possible. i just do not see wot point it hav it won’t get her out of the kitchen in the present century.

  Maters these days train their dear little ones to domestic duties. They are just like performing seals–they clear away, make tea, polish the silver and also WASH-UP crash bang crash smash. A mater believe we are glad to help her out if only she knew. Any rate, we hav to HELP e.g.

  Give me that wiper molesworth 2 its mine mum he has got the wiper with the red edges and rather unsavoury black marks give it to me (wiper part in two judgment of solomon divinity ect. Howls of rage from all.)

  Aktualy you can hav a wizard time in the kitchen and molesworth 2 pinch everything including raisins flour jam washed down with the cat’s milk.

  While we are on the subjekt hem-hem here is my own favourite recipe which is reely very simple.

  Take one cup of flour and add water at suficient pressure to spurt all over the kitchen.

  Next go to the raisin tin. Eat 3 handfulls and put a few in the cup.

  Add salt mint and coffee beans.

  Stir vigorously and drop on the floor. Yell out of the door Mum Mum Mum where’s the rolling pin. Eat a jam tart and roll out thin. When you are fed-up with rolling make the whole thing into a soft ball and chuck at molesworth 2.

  UNCLES

  Uncles are always v. embarased when they see a small boy we seme to make them nervous and i am not surprised. They ask a lot of feeble questions before they will hand over the routine halfcrown chiz.

  Your uncles are outside, sir

  Scene: a gilded drawing room of grate luxury. There are thick curtains and thick carpets in fact everything is thick including the head of the small boy who is lying upon the sofa eating bullseyes and watching the television. Enter a flunky.

  Your uncles are outside, sir.

  Uncles! wot a bore. But they canot be a worse bore than the television. Let them be admitted.

  Enter sixteen uncles with bald heads and spectacles.

  UNCLES (in chorus): How big you hav grown, nigel, since we last saw you.

  NIGEL: Of course i hav grown biger you didn’t expect me to grow smaler did you clots. Besides, I do not think you reely care.

  UNCLES: You will soon be as tall as us.

  NIGEL: If i canot grow taler than that i will give up.

  (He peels a banana).

  Proceed.

  UNCLES: If we all bend down we can give you a piggy back.

  NIGEL: You think we boys like that don’t you? You think it makes you appere joly. You will offer to pla criket with us now, I supose?

  UNCLES (eagerly): Yes yes. If you bowl at us on the lawn we will show off by hitting the first ball for 6 and loosing it.

  NIGEL: As ushual. That is a grate joke?

  UNCLES: Yes, yes. To amuse you further we will vault a 5 bar gate or –

  NIGEL (shudering): That is enuff. Hav you all got your halfcrowns eh? There is no need to sa here is something for your money box. Just put them in my hat when you go out.

  UNCLES: We will (winking roguishly). But before that we must pat you on the head.

  NIGEL: No. no. I will take the will for the deed. And make it five bob next time – the cost of living is going up.

  (Exit uncles all wishing they were young agane and rightly too.)

  GRANDMOTHERS

  Grandmothers are all very strikt and they all sa the same thing as they smile swetely over their gin and orange.

  It is a grandmother’s privilege to spoil her grandchildren GET OFF THAT SOFA NIGEL YOU WILL BRAKE IT.

  Grandmothers are very tuough when you get them in a bate so it is beter not to zoom about among the dresden china or direct space bombs at the best tea set.

  You ushually get parked on grans when your mater can stand you no longer or go abroad to winter sports (such a change from the kitchen). So you get left behind it might just as well be with jack the ripper for all they care.

  Aktually grans are not bad. Gran you kno our gran is a wonderful old lade hem-hem she made munitions during the war and was also a lade porter. Now she fly round the world in comets stiring up trouble so pop sa and beating black men on the head. Pop sa why bother about an atomic bomb if you can drop gran over rusia. She would soon tell them how to manage their affairs e.g. you simply can’t be a communist, mr malenkov. That’s quite beyond the pale.

  All grans show boys the tower of london and Westminster abbey and think it so amusing when molesworth 2 sa ‘ So what?’ when told that the crown jewels are worth five trillion pounds. After that they take you to st. pauls science museum national galery madam tussauds statue of peter pan buckingham palace and wonder why their feet hurt. Mine were simply killling me, my dear. Madam tussauds is not bad as gran sa there is a man who murded 3 people, moles-worth 2 sa thats nothing i hav done 5 already he is a swank and a wet.

  One chiz about gran is that she hound and persekute all shopkeepers. She take you along and you hav to listen while she send for the manager. She sa i have dealt here for 30 years why can you not deliver on tuesdays ect while i try to pretend i am not there chiz also the gorgonzola is not wot it was. Personaly i think no gorgonzola is worth sending for the manager for but it must be diferent i supose when you are 723.

  A GUIDE TO AUNTS

  Aunts are not bad but they are inclined to be sopy and call you darling chiz chiz chiz. Also you are just like your mater or your pater whichever hapen to be the planer. Aunts ask you how you are geting on at skool and you sa o all right may you be forgiven. Then they ask you to read to them. There is only one thing to do for aunts when they ask this e.g. take out Domby and Son and give them the LOT.
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br />   Of course you know, children, what their Uncle did to the two little Princes in the Tower

  11

  DING-DONG FARELY MERILY FOR XMAS

  Xmas all grown ups sa is the season for the kiddies but this do not prevent them from taking a tot or 2 from the bot and having, it may seme, a beter time than us. For children in fact Xmas is often a bit of a strane wot with pretending that everything is a surprise. Above all father xmas is a strane. You canot so much as mention that there is no father xmas when some grown-up sa Hush not in front of wee tim. So far as i am concerned if father xmas use lang-wage like that when he tripped over the bolster last time we had beter get a replacement.

  CHRISTMAS EVE

  Hurra for Xmas Eve wot a scurrying there was in the moles-worth household. First of all mr molesworth issued jovially with the hamer to hang the decorations – red white purple streemers holly mistletoe lights candles snow Mery Xmas All: mrs molesworth is in the kitchen with the mince pies, all rosy and shining: and judge of the excitement of the 2 boys!

  In fact, it is a proper SHAMBLES.

  Pop drop the hamer on the cat in the kitchen the xmas puding xplode with a huge crash and the cat spring up the curtains. Outside the sno lie deep and crisp and ect. and just as pop fall off the steplader the WATES arive.

  WATES are 3 litle gurls with a torch who go as folows:

  HEE HEE HEE NOEL NOEL GO ON GURT

  NO-ELL NO-ELL NO YOU RING the KING of

  IS-RAV-ER-ELL.

  PING! PING!

  TANNER FOR THE WATES, PLEASE.

  This of course is money for jam but grown ups are so intoxicated with xmas they produce a shiling. Imagine a whole weeks poket money just for that when you can get it all on the wireless anyway if you want it. Or whether you want it or not.

  molesworth 2 is very amusing about carols i must sa he hav a famous carol

  While shepherds washed their socks by night

  All seated on the ground

  A bar of sunlight soap came down ect.

  He think this is so funy he roar with larffter whenever he think of it and as he spend most of the night thinking of it i do not get much slepe chiz. i sa SHUTUP molesworth 2 SHUTUP i want to go to slepe but in vain the horid zany go cakling on. It is not as if it is funy i mean a bar of sunlight soap ha-ha well it is not ha-ha-ha-ha a bar of ha-ha-ha-ha . . . . . .

  Oh well.

  Another thing about xmas eve is that your pater always reads the xmas carol by c. dickens. You canot stop this aktualy although he pretend to ask you whether you would like it. He sa:

  Would you like me to read the xmas carol as it is xmas eve, boys?

  We are listening to the space serial on the wireless, daddy.

  But you canot prefer that nonsense to the classick c. dickens?

  Be quiet. He is out of control and heading for jupiter.

  Noel noel go on gurt you ring

  But –

  He’s had it the treen space ships are ataking him ur-ur-ur-whoosh. Out of control limping in the space vacuum for evermore unless they can get the gastric fuel compressor tampons open.

  I –

  Why don’t they try Earth on the intercom? They will never open those tampons with only a z-ray griper. They will –

  Father thwarted strike both boys heavily with loaded xmas stoking and tie their hands behind their backs. He cart them senseless into the sitting room and prop both on his knees. Then he begin:

  THE XMAS CAROL by C DICKENS

  (published by grabber and grabber)

  Then he rub hands together and sa You will enjoy this boys it is all about ghosts and goodwill. It is tip-top stuff and there is an old man called scrooge who hates xmas and canot understand why everyone is so mery. To this you sa nothing except that scrooge is your favourite character in fiction next to tarzan of the apes. But you can sa anything chiz. Nothing in the world in space is ever going to stop those fatal words:

  Marley was dead

  Personaly i do not care a d. whether Marley was dead or not it is just that there is something about the xmas Carol which makes paters and grown-ups read with grate XPRESION, and this is very embarassing for all. It is all right for the first part they just roll the r’s a lot but wate till they come to Scrooge’s nephew. When he sa Mery Christmas uncle it is like an H-bomb xplosion and so it go on until you get to Tiny Tim chiz chiz chiz he is a weed. When Tiny Tim sa God bless us every one your pater is so overcome he burst out blubbing. By this time boys hav bitten through their ropes and make good their escape so 9000000000 boos to bob cratchit.

  XMAS NITE

  At last the tiny felows are tucked up snug in their beds with 3 pilow slips awaiting santa claus. As the lite go off a horid doubt assale the mind e.g. suposing there is a santa claus. Zoom about and lay a few traps for him (see picture)

  Determin to lie awake and get him but go to slepe in the end chiz and dream of space ships. While thus employed something do seem to be hapning among the earthmen.

  CRASH!

  Be quiet you will wake them up. Hav you got the mecano his is the one with 3 oranges if you drop that pedal car agane i shall scream where are the spangles can you not tie a knot for heavens sake ect. ect.

  It would seem that the earthmen are up to something but you are far to busy with the treens who are defending the space palace with germ guns. So snore on, fair child, snore on with thy inocent dreams and do not get the blud all over you.

  Trap for dere Santa

  THE DAY

  Xmas day always start badly becos molesworth 2 blub he hav not got the reel rools-royce he asked for. We then hav argument that each hav more presents than the other. A Mery Xmas everybode sa scrooge in the end but we just call each other clot-faced wets so are you you you you pointing with our horny fingers it is very joly i must sa. In the end i wear molesworth 2’s cowboy suit and he pla with my air gun so all is quiet.

  Then comes DINNER.

  This is super as there are turkey crackers nuts cream plum puding jely and everything. We wash it down with a litle ginger ale but grown ups all drink wine ugh and this make all the old lades and grans very sprightly i must sa. They sa how sweet we are they must be dotty until pater raps the table and look v. solemn. He holds up his glass and sa in a low voice

  The QUEEN. Cheers cheers cheers for the queen we all drink and hurra for england.

  Then pater sa in much lower voice ABSENT FRIENDS and everyone else sa absent friends absent friends absent friends ect. and begin blubbing. In fact it do not seme that you can go far at xmas time without blubbing of some sort and when they listen to the wireless in the afternoon all about the lonely shepherd and the lighthousemen they are in floods of tears.

  Still xmas is a good time with all those presents and good food and i hope it will never die out or at any rate not until i am grown up and hav to pay for it all. So ho skip and away the next thing we shall be taken to peter pan for a treat so brace up brace up.

  The Molesworth Self-Adjusting Thank-You Letter

  As an after xmas wheeze n. molesworth presents his self-adjusting thank-you letter.

  Cut out hours of toil pen biting wear on elbows blotches and staring out of windows.

  Strike Out words which do not apply.

  Welcome back for the new term, molesworth! Welcome Back!

  * The conker was a huge and glossy one like a racehorse, but like all racehorses which are huge and glosy they fall into a ditch so do not back them. They cross their legs and that is never a good thing for a racehorse or a conker.