“Maybe I am passive, but you’re such a perfectionist that you won’t let anyone close enough to you that would compromise your vision of the perfect little world. You’re never going to be happy until you…”
“I don’t want to be happy. I want to be free. I will live my own life, whatever my mother, father, Oliver, or teachers, think. My life. My choice.” His voice was as icy as his eyes, brilliantly gazing into, through me. His jaw was tight, his mouth a thin line as he glared. He looked ridiculously perfect.
“What does Oliver want from you?”
He blinked and looked disoriented for a second before he looked at me with a stubborn set to his mouth. “Oliver wants my loyalty and obedience, but I’m sure he has other things in mind for me. His scope has never been small. Oliver has reasons for everything he does. Everything.”
“So why did he kiss me?”
His jaw tightened again. I shouldn’t have brought that back up. “I wasn’t there. I don’t know the circumstances around the magical moment.”
“So you’re concerned that my obsessions might have an impact on your personal space?”
“I hardly see you becoming obsessed with me any time soon.”
“I mean, why else are you being such a jerk about the kiss? Maybe you’re right about me; I’m perfectly aware that it was incredibly stupid to let him kiss me, but it’s not nice to talk to me like that. Why would you even bother? You’ve accepted that I’m whatever, so why would you act like it’s a problem for you?”
“I like to fix things. Maybe you’re the most broken person at school and I think…”
“What did you say?” I stood up, having lost my appetite a while before.
“Maybe I think…”
“You said I’m broken. I’m broken and you can fix me by telling me what an idiot I am? Unbelievable.” I walked away from the table, almost surprised when he came with me.
“Maybe drive-through would have been better,” he mumbled.
“I’m not talking to you,” I said, talking to him which kind of defeated it, but I wanted to be clear.
“Fine with me.”
I rolled my eyes, biting back my own, ‘fine with me,’ because that would be childish and talking to him.
I didn’t start for the parking lot. I wasn’t going to spend any more time with him than necessary.
“Where are we going?” he asked, an enormous presence as he walked a little bit behind me on the side of the road.
I clenched my jaws to keep from saying anything. I was going home; he’d figure that out when we got there. I wrapped my arms around myself as the chilly autumn wind blew through my stupid dress. It was dark, dark enough that I felt nervous on the edge of the road as cars and trucks whizzed past. Maybe someone I knew would stop and offer a ride. Sean would eventually give up and leave. A hundred steps later he still walked behind me, humming under his breath in the most annoying way possible: not loud enough to hear, not quiet enough to ignore.
“I didn’t expect you to look so nice.”
I stopped walking, startled. I actually turned around to see if he was mocking me. His face was shadowy, but he seemed serious. “You think I look nice?”
He frowned. “I wanted to bring someone my mother wouldn’t notice, someone she could immediately dismiss that would keep her conversation less… Anyway. I didn’t think you’d show up looking like an actual date.”
“Flop said the waiters would treat me like crap unless I dressed up.”
“So you dressed for the waiters.”
I nodded then realized that I’d forgotten that we weren’t talking. I tripped, yelping as my ankle twisted in the heels I wasn’t really used to running around in—in the dark. I sat on the side of the road staring at nothing while he crouched beside me. I fought back stupid tears although everything seemed mildly hilarious at the same time.
“How bad is it?” he asked. When I didn’t answer he pulled off my heel and ran his hands over my foot. I jerked away but that only hurt it more.
“Don’t touch me.”
“You’ve left me no choice. You won’t make it home before morning crawling, and you’re not walking on that foot tonight. Now, I have to carry you.” He didn’t sound happy about it, which was probably why I let him lift me off the ground without a struggle. He began carrying me back to the distant lights of Rosie’s Grill holding me away from his body.
“You’re not going to fight me,” he said in an already strained voice, “You’re too passive for that, besides which, if I dropped you, it would hurt.”
He was right. I wouldn’t fight him. Was I really that passive, letting him carry me when he wanted to? Not that he really wanted to. No. I didn’t have to fight to make a choice. I could choose something else, something he’d really hate.
I leaned against him, wrapping my arms around his neck while I nestled my cheek against his throat. I could feel him swallow down his discomfort or nausea at having me so close. I smiled.
“Oh, Sean, you’re so big and strong to carry me all the way back to your car. I don’t know how I’d survive with a less hot date. I can’t live without you. Every moment away from your manly chest makes me burn.”
“I think you’re supposed to burn when you’re touching my manly chest,” he said dryly.
“I burn all the time, with you, without you, the burning won’t stop.”
“How uncomfortable. Have you thought of going to a doctor?”
I choked back a laugh. No. This was serious. “I don’t need a doctor. I need a mechanic, someone who knows how to fix things, someone who can put me back together.”
“You’re not broken. I didn’t mean it that way. I was just being a jerk. I’m sorry I made your thing with Oliver worse for you. You don’t need that.” His apology was mumbled under his breath, but he did say it out loud.
I didn’t know what to say. An apology? Maybe I shouldn’t torture him. I eased away from him, but he seemed to have most of my weight against his chest. It was probably easier for him to carry me while I hung onto him.
The lights of the grill didn’t seem to get any closer and I felt weird as every footstep traveled through my body, as the memory of Oliver, of the kiss fought with the reality of Sean’s arms around me, the feel of his muscular chest against my body. I didn’t burn exactly, but it was weird. I was very aware of him, of every movement and the tension in his arms. I could feel the tightness in his arms, shoulders, chest grow the longer he carried me.
Finally, we were at his car, in the dark, and he lowered me onto the hood while he stretched out, filling the whole world with the breadth of his arms.
“Sean?” My voice came out small. He grunted. “It was stupid of me to walk off in the dark.”
“You would have made it home, no problem if you hadn’t twisted your ankle.”
I smiled a little bit as he opened the door then picked me up again before he lowered me into the car. After I was in, it took him a second with his face inches from mine while he got his arms out from under me.
“Sean, your hands are shaking.”
“You’re heavy,” he said with a slight twist of his lips that left me unsure if he were mocking me or himself.
Chapter 22
After icing my ankle all weekend, on Monday at school, I barely limped when Dean and his friends nodded at me as I walked into the building. I nodded back at them instead of glaring, you know, kind of like I’d given up caring about who I liked or didn’t like, it was too much to keep straight. I was busy focusing on wearing clean clothes. Go me.
Oliver walked by as I stood at my locker. I made a point to say hi to him and not notice when he looked through me like he couldn’t see me. I saw Sharky with a group of her friends as I walked to class with Flop. I smiled at her and said “hi”. Okay, it wasn’t hard to smile, not when I could tell she still had a little bruising around her jaw that she tried to cover with makeup.
She looked at me. I felt sick when she looked away scared. I wasn’t scary; I wasn’t
the evil person who made people suffer. Except to her, I was. Huh. Anyway, I felt slimy and sorry. I opened my mouth to say so, but we were past her, and there was Cole. He said hi to me first, so I said hi back. He was still the jerk who watched me get a face full of beer, but he wasn’t really evil. Probably.
At lunch I had no appetite, not when my subconscious kept bringing up Sharky’s fear and Oliver’s kiss. Worse were the rumors that Flop told me all about, rumors that I was dating Sean. No one believed it, of course, but a rumor like that made people stare at me, dissecting everything I did, every bite I took, every single glance I gave to the swim table. I avoided the cafeteria completely. Instead, I stood outside watching crunchy leaves swirl around in the cold wind, glad that it was warm against the bricks where I leaned.
I felt a light touch on my shoulder, sliding my hair back. I couldn’t move, breathe, or think. My heart pounded when I felt his breath on the skin of my neck the moment before the pressure of his mouth. I gasped as his teeth gripped my skin, sliding down to my shoulder while he tasted me with his tongue. It hurt as the bite deepened, and I knew it would leave a mark.
Oliver was there, finally. I turned, wrapping my arms around him, pressing my body against his, feeling the pounding in my chest, the ache that finally disappeared, the agony of unfulfilled obsession gone as I leaned against him, slid my hand up his neck and into his hair, digging my fingers into his scalp.
He stiffened, freezing as I curled around him. He had to want me. He hadn’t started kissing my neck for no reason. Sean said that Oliver always had a reason, so why had he kissed me, made me crazy if he didn’t want me to touch him, didn’t actually want me?
He pulled away, and I stared at him, the dark eyes with only a ring of emerald, the way his lips trembled, and he held his hands in fists.
I’d embraced him, not because I wanted him but because my obsession demanded it. He didn’t want me to affect him, no, he only wanted me to want him. At least that was the only thing that made any sense.
“Why did you kiss me at the lake?”
He blinked and then his smile was there, the easy flirty smile that was so easy to swallow. “It seemed like the thing to do.”
“Why? We were talking about…” I’d told him about Sean fixing my bike. Sean said that Oliver wanted him, had plans for him. I shook my head because it made no sense, but at the same time, why was Oliver there, sucking on my neck when he’d made a point to avoid me for the past two weeks? Was it Sean? Was it the fact that I’d been seen on a date with Sean and now everyone was gossiping about us being together?
“Don’t do that again,” I said in a shaky voice.
“Do what?” he asked with a charming smile as he leaned forward, too close.
I stepped away, needing to run away or throw myself at him. It was incredibly hard to stand there, to look at Oliver and study his reaction. “You’re really nice, but you should know that I’m seeing someone else. I can’t go around behind his back; it wouldn’t be right.”
His mouth tightened just a little bit. “So, you’re really dating Sean?”
I shrugged and let myself blush. “It’s kind of crazy, but something about him is exactly what I want. The other night after I twisted my ankle and he had to carry me home, well, later we… you don’t want to hear details, but after that, I couldn’t possibly mess around with you, however cute your accent is.”
I stood there staring at him with that almost-lie between us. He studied me as carefully as I studied him. I didn’t expect it when he took two steps, pinning me against the wall, pressing against me the way I’d wanted him to do a few minutes earlier.
It was so obvious, so blatantly his reaction to me being with Sean that made him want me to want him. It pissed me off.
“Get away from me.” My voice came out quiet, but dark, rich, the way my voice came when I sang to the lake. He blinked but didn’t move. “Get away from me!” This time my voice was a roar that came from the pit in my stomach where all my obsession had coalesced into fury.
He took three stumbling steps backwards while he stared at me then turned and disappeared.
I slid down the wall while black spots flecked my vision. I put my head between my knees because maybe that would keep me conscious, but then there were voices I heard in and out, but nothing to see, and then Sean’s voice, saying things I couldn’t make out, and then his hands were on me, putting my body on the ground like a corpse before I felt his breath, his mouth over mine.
His breath filled my lungs, his hands on my chest in a precise rhythm, his mouth cool against mine and tasting of oatmeal cookies. Cookies one of his groupies probably baked for him. It would have worked for me. Someone should seduce me with cookies. Not Oliver. Not Oliver who hated me with Sean but didn’t want me. Sean who was completely right about me being a passive idiot about my own life. Sean who had his mouth on mine and therefore was a likely candidate for my next obsession.
I shoved him away from me, relieved when he sat back on his heels. A large crowd had gathered around us. “Get away from me. How could you…”
I sputtered and heard the mutters around me, the disgusted looks of people who saw me get CPR from Sean and then treat him like a jerk. It didn’t matter though, not if I was about to feel the madness, the obsession, but I didn’t. He stood, looking down at me, amused while I breathed on my own, still panting but sure that I wouldn’t pass out again. After a few seconds I knew that it wasn’t going to happen. Maybe I could only be obsessed with one person at a time.
I reached up for his hands, pulling myself up then kept rising on my tiptoes towards him. He raised an eyebrow but didn’t leap away from me even as he watched me coming. I brushed his cheek with my lips before I stood straight, still holding onto his hands, very aware of the crowd around us.
“I’m sorry I freaked out, Sean. Thanks for saving me.” I sounded remarkably close to how Sharky sounded when she talked to Cole. Gag.
He slid an arm around my waist when I stumbled as we walked into the building.
“So… why did you give me CPR and how did you know I needed it? Not that I actually needed it. I would have been fine eventually.” He still had his arm around me, his big hand secure and strong on my ribs.
“People have a crazy idea that we’re dating,” he said with a shrug. “I blame the dress.”
I stared up at him, at the angle where I got a clear shot of his nostrils. So, who else in the world had perfect nostrils?
“Oliver doesn’t seem too thrilled with that,” he said sounding thoughtful.
“No, he isn’t,” I agreed then shook my head and tried to pull away. He didn’t seem to notice and without biting him or stomping on his foot, I was sort of stuck close to him. “I actually told him that it was true.”
“Technically, we did date.”
“Sean, your mother was there. I don’t think it counts as a date if you bring parents.”
“The dress counteracted the parent,” he argued, nodding as he passed a girl who greeted him with a shriek of excitement before she turned a look of loathing on me. “So, you told Oliver that we’re dating, and most of the school has heard rumors that we’re together. One of my team came to get me when you passed out. What do you want to do about it?”
I stared straight in front of me feeling nauseous while I tried to block out the stares and whispers.
“Um, I think it’s time for us to see other people. What does Oliver want with you? Are you guys secretly gay?”
His smile mocked me. “If I were secretly gay, would I tell my girlfriend that?”
“Girlfriend?” I stopped walking, staring at him while I felt my toes go numb. “No one said anything about being your girlfriend.”
“You did. Last night. It made sense, sort of. At any rate, I’m curious what would happen if people thought that I was involved with someone. It might cut down on some annoying issues.”
“You didn’t tell me what Oliver wanted from you.”
“I thought we agreed t
hat we were both secretly gay.”
“I’m not gay, oh, you and Oliver. Well, as far as I can tell, gay guys don’t usually bite other girl’s necks, however much they want her boyfriend.” I winced as the word came out of my mouth. Sean was not my boyfriend. The idea was too ridiculous to comprehend. It was so laughable, why weren’t more people laughing? “Not that you’re my boyfriend, anyway, you’d better drop me off at my locker, you know, and remove your arm from my person before you go on your oatmeal cookie eating way.”
“You’re tasting me? Would you prefer raw eel?”
“Ooh, how did you guess?”
Why did I feel like blushing? He was the one who put his mouth on top of mine. I was just lucky I hadn’t become obsessed with him. I wasn’t, was I? No, I didn’t think so.
“Sean, seriously, the next time you see me passed out, please just leave me alone. I’ll recover eventually and thinking that I was going to be obsessed with you was not fun. Obsession sucks.”
He smiled, showing a gleam of white teeth that made him even less accessible than his usual ice cold gaze. “I’m immune to obsessive love. It’s the only pleasant trait I inherited from my mother.”
I frowned at him. “You’re immune? Are you joking? No, I don’t think you are. So, you think that if I kissed someone else I’d be obsessed?”
He shrugged and pulled a cookie out of his backpack. He offered it to me, and I took it, incapable of saying no when I’d skipped lunch.
“You could try it and find out, but as your boyfriend, I don’t recommend it.”
I rolled my eyes. Like I’d ever be Captain Perfection’s girlfriend, like anyone would ever be good enough for him.
“You’re not… it’s just what I told Oliver.”
“Either way, I’m grateful that you started our relationship in clean clothes.”
“Yeah, well, that’s how deeply I feel for you. You’re seriously going to let people think that you’re dating me? If you are actually going to get a girlfriend then you should get one that’s in the same sphere as you.”
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