“Yes, I am.” I lift my chin and look directly into his eyes.
I am not a coward. I do not cower behind my broken boy, no matter how badly he wants to save me.
I’m not sure how intact I’ll be, but I know I have to fight this battle on my own.
“Pay-Marley,” Gran corrects. “Why don’t we go into the kitchen, and have a conversation. As adults.” She looks pointedly at her only son.
It’s not a question, it’s a command. But even Jodie Fallon doesn’t scare me at this moment.
“The jig is up, Gran,” I say. “I told Wyatt my truth. He knows all about my name, he knows everything.” Mostly. “I can’t stay here. Not tonight, I will come back. Just not today, maybe not tomorrow either. But right now, I need this. I need to stay away.”
“You can’t run from your problems, Pagan,” Gran says.
“I know. And I’m not. I’m done running, I’m done hiding.” For the most part. “But it needs to happen in stages. It needs to happen in my own time. Wyatt, he’s what I need. You can’t, you won’t take him from me.”
Gran steps forward and pulls me into her arms. “I’m proud of you. You’re turning into the woman I always knew you’d be,” she whispers in my ear.
When she releases me she glances at the arm that is still wrapped around me, ready to take me away from anything that could cause me pain.
She smiles a sad smile saying, “You’ll let her go, Albert. You lost all rights to her the minute you showed up here. I always knew things between you and Olivia were shit. But I never thought you’d allow it to affect your daughters. I was wrong.
You will give her what she needs. I cannot stand idly by as you destroy her.”
“She is my daughter, Mother. She’ll do what I require of her. This is not a game.”
“I never said it was. But the way you’re acting tells me that you think it is. I’m not asking, I’m telling. You might be grown with children of your own, but I am still your mother. This is my house. And in my house, Pagan and Wyatt abide by my rules. You abide by my rules.”
Even thirty-nine-year-old men obey their mothers.
Albert steps away from Wyatt and me, but not before getting one last jab in. “When you come home, we will discuss this. I will not allow you to throw away all that I have given you. You will not become your mother.”
I shove away from Wyatt with all my might. His arm holds me tight against him, but I’m able to shake him off. All I see is red. And Albert. I see Albert, and I see my hand.
I feel the pain as it radiates up my arm, but it doesn’t register.
I was wrong.
I was wrong to be afraid of what Wyatt could do to Albert.
I should have been afraid of what I could do. What I just did.
Wyatt has me locked in his Range Rover before my knuckles begin to swell.
I’ve fought before. I broke my middle finger after beating up some girl in the park once, for talking shit about Dakota.
But I didn’t feel nearly as much rage as I do now. I didn’t feel nearly as much satisfaction.
I caught a glimpse of my father before Wyatt whisked me outside.
His blood was dripping down from his nose and onto his lips. I’m sure he tasted it since his mouth was wide open. Whether in shock or in pain I do not know. And really it doesn’t matter.
I’ve confirmed my new status. I am not the weak girl I was when I arrived just weeks ago.
Maybe being Marley helped more than I originally thought. Maybe she gave me the strength to find who I really am.
There are a lot of things I still need to figure out. But being compared to my whore of a mother, unleashing some of my pain onto my father’s face, it freed me in a way.
I glance at Wyatt. His fingers are locked against mine. His jaw is set. I wonder, are his eyes my beautiful clear ones? Or are they the light blue they were in my bedroom?
He turns to me when we reach a stoplight, and I gasp. His eyes are the same dark clouded blue color they were on Sunday when he had his showdown with Janet.
I couldn’t decipher them then. But now I can. It’s pain. Wyatt’s eyes are a disgusting color of dark blue because he’s in pain. He’s in pain for me.
Suddenly all thoughts of strength and my own brokenness leave me.
I would do anything to take his pain away.
This boy aches for me, this boy cares for me.
I think this boy is in love with me.
Chapter 22
Wyatt
I know she sees it. I know when she looks into my eyes she sees the love I’ve tried so hard to hide.
It’s been days since I realized that what I felt for her went deeper than anything else. But it is not the right time. Not after what happened. Not after her father practically told her she was a whore.
I wanted to hit him. I wanted to watch him bleed all over Jodie’s hardwood floor. But I knew I couldn’t leave Pagan. She needed me.
What I didn’t expect was to watch as my beautiful broken girl tore away from me and punched her father right in his face.
I expected him to hit her back. I saw his body tense, I saw him lean toward her, but Jodie was there, she pushed Pagan into my arms and slapped her son clear across his face. She must have seen what I saw.
Thankfully no one is behind us at the light. Because we’re sitting in my truck, Pagan and I, watching each other, the light turns green, the cars on the opposite end of the street begin to move, but we stay locked together.
Even while trapped in the depths of her sad green eyes, I’m aware of what happens around me. I’m always aware.
“No,” she whispers. “You can’t.”
“I’m sorry.” I know this is the last thing she wants.
“You can’t.”
“I know.” Reaching a hand out I touch her cheek. Her tears collect underneath my finger.
“Wyatt.” Her voice is broken.
“I’m going to take you to the house. I need to check your hand. And then, and then we can talk.” I swallow thickly.
“Okay.”
She turns away first. Thankfully, I don’t know if I would have had the strength.
I drive silently, slowly, my mind a million miles away.
Pagan clutches her right hand. And I hope, I hope it’s not too damaged. She hit him hard.
When I heard her small fist connect with his nose, I felt sick. I can’t bear the thought of her getting hurt. Proof that I’m in this way too deep. But I can’t find my way out. Not that I would ever want to, but I’m afraid that she will want me to let go.
I meant what I said in her room. I can’t ever be the one to walk away. I also lied to her. I will choose her. Every damn time.
Mary isn’t back with the girls yet. I send her a text, telling her not to disturb us.
She’s basically living here. This weekend will just be the final transition. It’s about time, really. The girls need her. I need her. And now, now I think Pagan will need her. Even if they never grow close.
Mary will understand my need to keep Pagan close to me. She will understand my need to rush off and my need to lock us in my room.
Pagan’s jealousy may be misplaced, but she wasn’t wrong about how much Mary means to me. It’s more than an employer/employee relationship. She’s my best friend, she’s my partner, and she’s the one who, before Pagan, I trusted the most.
Gently, I move Pagan’s fingers. I have her lay her palm in mine. Her face contorts; tears prick the corners of her eyes as pain washes over her for the first time.
I kiss her swollen knuckles.
Placing the bag of ice on top of her hand, she hisses. “I’m sorry. We have to get the swelling down.” I hand her four ibuprofen. “They’re only two hundred milligrams,” I explain. “I think you’ll need more than that to help with the pain.
She tosses them into her mouth and takes the bottle of water from my hand.
“We can’t,” she says, lying against the headboard.
“I know.”
I know we can’t love each other.
“I’m sorry, Wyatt. But I don’t know what love is. It’s not something I can just give you. Even if I think that’s what I felt. And I’m not entirely sure you know what love is either.”
“Shh.” I place my finger to her lips. “I’m not asking for anything more than what you’ve already given me. You and I, we’re more than friends, but we’re more than just boyfriend and girlfriend.
I might have never done this before. But I know. I know that what I feel for you is more than just hormones, or new relationship euphoria, or whatever the fuck you want to call it.
You’re mine. I’m yours. The rest we will figure out along the way. But don’t make me deny my feelings. Maybe you’re not ready to feel the same, that’s okay. I have time. I can wait.
I need to wait. Because even though I know what I feel, I don’t think I’m ready to say the words out loud yet.”
Sitting beside her I pull her small body into mine. Pagan rests her hand on my leg, and we sit.
We breathe.
We allow our silence to say more than our words ever could.
With Pagan everything is easy.
With Pagan I am free.
I just saw her break away from the shell of a person she once was. I watched my beautiful broken girl become a little less broken.
My heart swells.
My throat is clogged with everything I can’t say.
My soul aches to touch hers.
I can feel the change in her. The way she slumps against me, her body is relaxing, she’s letting go.
Pagan is healing. I’m thankful I get to watch it happen in real life.
We might be broken. But together that doesn’t matter. Together we are exactly the people we are supposed to be.
June
Chapter 23
Pagan
I’m alone for the first time in days. My bedroom doesn’t feel right. I stayed with Wyatt for five nights. He stayed with me for one.
Gran, Gramps, Wyatt, and I talked for hours yesterday. Albert didn’t show. Of course.
My hand still aches but not as badly as before. I’m lucky I didn’t break it. According to Gran, Albert ended up in the emergency room, because I fractured his nose. That’s how hard I hit him. I think we were all surprised by that. But proud too.
Gran hashed out the new rules with Albert. As long as I am living in her house, I will be living under her rules.
Gramps said they screamed at each other for hours Tuesday night. I would have loved to see that.
Wyatt and I held each other in my bed last night; now being without him, after days of being within mere inches of each other feels wrong. Of course, it’s only eight. He’ll be here after I get back from the party. Somehow he convinced me to agree to go out with Kala.
She must have bugged him hard; Wyatt doesn’t bend easily toward others. But either she finally managed to annoy him, or she actually convinced him this would be good for me. Whatever the case, he told me he wanted me to go. Said it was important that I did something with Kala. That I solidify our friendship.
Though I’m unsure how a drunken high school party will bring us closer as friends. I agreed, only if he spent the night with me. He promised to be here when I came home.
So now I’m finishing flat-ironing my hair, wearing more makeup than I have in months, and my skirt is so short I can’t bend over unless I want everyone to see my panties.
Grabbing my phone and silver wristlet, I head out.
I told Kala I would prefer to drive myself. She was fine with it since she was arriving with Chad. I’m supposed to meet them at the address she texted me at eight-thirty.
The long dimly lit street is full of cars. I find a spot to park five houses down from the party and let Kala know I’m here.
On the lawn.
She responds as I’m walking up the concrete walkway. Pausing I look to the left and scan the grass. This house isn’t the biggest on the block, but the yard is.
I turn to the right and scan for Kala, her blonde head is just visible through the throngs of people. Why the hell is everyone on the front lawn anyway? It’s a good way to get the cops called on us.
Maneuvering my way through my fellow classmates, I reach Kala just as Chad does. He’s carrying two red Solo cups in his hands. His eyes look me up and down, pausing way too long on my exposed legs.
“Nice to see you, Marley,” he says, handing Kala one of the cups.
“Yes! So glad you’re here,” she exclaims before taking a huge gulp of her drink. “Go get her something,” Kala tells Chad.
“I’m fine. I have to drive.”
“Chad will drive you. He’s the DD tonight,” Kala says thrusting her cup at me.
The stench of cheap tequila wafts up from the cup and hits my nose. Seriously? That’s the best these rich kids can do?
Chad disappears; I assume he’s going to get me a drink, despite my protests. Or maybe he’s the one in charge of telling Mikayla and her minions that I’m here.
“Why are we outside?” I ask.
“Only selected members are allowed to go inside. You have to be hand-picked by the host or his friends. Don’t worry. One of the friends is the son of the sheriff. We won’t get in trouble out here. So long as everyone keeps their clothes on that is.” She giggles.
“Lovely,” I reply.
Chad reappears with three cups this time. He hands one to Kala and then to me. Tentatively I raise it to my nose. I inhale nothing but the sweet scent of cranberry.
I spit the contents of the cup onto the grass. I have no problem with cranberry juice. But whatever I put in my mouth was horrendous.
“Sorry,” Chad says. “They keep the good stuff inside.” This is the first time he’s addressed me and sounded civil about it.
“I’m not thirsty anyways.” I say, smiling slightly.
Chad smiles back, and I see his appeal. Light blond hair cut short, deep blue eyes. He’s not ugly, just not my type.
We mingle for what feels like hours, the party is everything I imagined it would be, but more. It’s not just a party, it’s a pyramid. Only the powerful get to be on top, those that have the means are in the house, those that don’t are stuck on the lawn.
Couples pair off and walk up and down the street. I suppose since they can’t get into a bedroom a car will have to do.
“Where’s Mikayla?” I ask after an hour or so.
I’m dancing with Kala; our shoes are off, toes digging into the cool grass. A huge outdoor light illuminates the ‘dance floor’. The five-foot patch of lawn is packed with bodies, dancing to the thumping bass noises spilling out of the open front door.
“Inside. They were invited in right away. Chad and I would be with them, but we were waiting for you, and they don’t take people who aren’t there. Especially people they don’t know, so here we are.”
We’re pressed so close together that she says all of this directly into my ear. “I’m sorry,” I say into hers.
“Don’t be. This is much more fun anyway!” She rotates her hips into mine. I throw my head back and laugh at her antics.
Maybe Wyatt was right. Maybe I do need more than him.
At that thought my heart pangs with longing. I need to text him. I need to know that he’s there waiting for me. I need him.
Kala looks into my eyes and knows I need to leave this spot. She might not know how desperately I feel the need to leave the party altogether, but she grabs my hand and pulls me to Chad.
I might be strong enough to take on my father without Wyatt, but I’m not strong enough to go on without him in general. I don’t care that this makes me weak.
I’m not weak for wanting him. I’m weak because I can’t admit what I feel. And I’m afraid I might never be able to. So I need to have confirmation. I need to know he won’t leave me. I can’t handle any more disappointment. I might not want his love, but I need it.
Chad is sitting in a lawn chair, our shoes, and my bag by his feet. H
e’s talking to a guy with dark spiky hair. I have no idea who he is, and frankly, I don’t care. I manage to swipe my little purse from the ground without showing off my ass.
When I stand, the unfamiliar boy is looking at me. “Holy shit. You’re Marley Fallon.”
I easily adapt back into the person I no longer wish to disappear into. “I am.”
“What the fuck are you doing out here?” He looks at Chad. “Y’all have had the Fallon girl out here all night? Fuck man, I know the security is tight, being as this is the first party of the summer, but she’s a Fallon. She doesn’t belong out here with the trash.”
“Got caught up,” Chad quickly says. “They were having too much fun. You should have seen them. Drinking that shit and grinding on each other. I couldn’t deny myself and every other dick out here the show.”
My cheeks flush, so does my chest. I feel the embarrassment as it courses through my veins. I also feel the anger. I already hit one person this week. Do I have to hit another one?
“You’re such an asshole, Chad,” Kala says, swatting her boyfriend on the arm.
“You’re the reason we were stuck outside in the first place. Why would I want to bring you inside?” He shoots her a dirty look.
Bastard.
“I was just leaving,” I tell the dark-haired guy who has been eyeing me.
“Now, now, no need to do that, Sugar.” The jackass winks at me. “I can get you in. It’s my party after all.”
“What a nice offer, but really, it’s time for me to go.” I pull my phone out and note the time. A little after midnight. I stayed longer than I planned.
I find a text from Wyatt waiting for me; he sent it almost three hours ago.
Not going to make it. Adele is sick. I need to be with her. I’m sorry. Have fun. Call me when you get home, I don’t care what time it is.
My heart sinks. Not because Wyatt won’t be in my bed waiting for me like planned. But because that sweet little girl is sick enough to prevent it. He promised to never choose between us, and he’s not. He’s where he needs to be the most. Just like he was with me when I needed him this past week, he’s with his sister, who needs him more than I do.
Forever (Destroyed by Love #1) Page 14