“I really have to go. Family emergency,” I say in a rush, bending over to grab my shoes, no longer concerned with who sees my ass.
“Everything okay?” Kala asks. She seems genuinely concerned.
“Yeah. I just have to go. I have to be there.” I hug her. “Thanks so much. I’ll text you.”
I barely spare a glance at Chad or his friend, I’m suddenly very glad we’re outside instead of in.
I run barefoot to my car and get in.
I’m forced to plug Wyatt’s address into my GPS, as I have no idea where the fuck I am. The thirty-minute drive takes for fucking ever.
I shouldn’t be as worried as I am. But I know Wyatt. He wouldn’t miss out on our plans unless he absolutely had to. His love and devotion to those girls runs deep. But he’s confessed his need to get away. He’s confessed his need to break away and do things for him. But there will always be times where he is needed. They will need him more than I do, and I admire his selflessness. I respect him for this.
I’m thankful Wyatt gave me his garage code the other day. I didn’t understand why at first, but he admitted he never locked the garage door. He said, if I ever needed to, I could enter that way.
I quickly punch in the four numbers I memorized the day he told them to me, and the large garage door opens.
I press the button by the kitchen door before I go inside, noting that aside from Wyatt’s Range Rover and his bike, another car is parked inside the garage.
I now recognize it as Mary’s Honda Pilot. The space next to it, where Janet’s car should be, is empty. Of course.
The house is dark, but I know my way around by now. I’m up the stairs and in Wyatt’s room within minutes. His room is semi-dark and cool. His clean scent invades my senses, and I just want to lie on the bed and bask in his familiar presence, but I need to see him more. I need to see Adele more.
So I drop my shoes onto the floor and place my wristlet on the dresser. Stripping out of my party clothes I slip on one of Wyatt’s T-shirts and a pair of sleep shorts I left here.
I didn’t see the need to take all of my clothes home. In truth, I hoped I would have a reason to need them here.
Quietly I creep back down the hall, pausing outside Adele’s door. It’s not shut completely. A tiny sliver of space exists between the door and the frame. Grabbing the knob, I gently push it open.
Wyatt is sitting in the rocking chair, only it’s not in the corner by the bookshelf. It’s directly next to the bed. Facing away from the door.
Wyatt turns when the light from the hall spills in. His body jerks when he sees me standing in the doorway.
“What are you doing?” he whispers.
“How is she?” I ask.
“Okay. I just got her back to sleep. Gave her some Children’s Motrin, her fever has been up and down for the past few hours.” Even in his hushed tones I can tell how tired he is. “What are you doing?” He asks again.
This time, I walk into the room and head straight for the bed. Placing my lips against Adele’s sweaty forehead I can feel the heat of her fever. Poor baby.
“What’s her temp?”
“One oh one.” he says, dragging a hand down his face. “Pagan, what are you doing?”
“You need me, Adele needs me. Where else would I be?”
“At home. It’s one in the morning. You should be sleeping.”
“So should you,” I counter.
“I will.”
“Wyatt.”
“What?”
“Come to bed. I’m not going to let you sleep in the chair.” I glance at the baby monitor on the nightstand. “Is the other in your room?”
“Yes, I put it away a year ago. But with her sick, I need to be able to hear her.”
“Okay. Come on. We have the monitor, we’ll set the alarm to come to check her temp before getting the next dose in.” I search for the medication box but Wyatt answers.
“Four hours. I need to check her in four hours.”
“Okay. So in four hours we’ll come back.” I reach my hand out, hoping he’ll take it.
He does.
I shut Adele’s door and lead him to his room.
We lie on the bed, he holds me against his chest. His heart is beating fast and loud.
“You said we. You said ‘we’ll,’ do you mean that?”
“Of course. It’s always going to be you and me. No matter what.”
“No matter what?”
“Yes, Wyatt. No matter what, no matter when, no matter where. It’s you and me. Always.”
“I trust you.”
“I trust you, too.”
“Mary will probably be in there when we go back. She likes to do that. She likes to be around when I tell her not to,” he confesses.
“She’s a good friend. She loves them.” She loves you. Even platonically she loves him. I don’t know what to do with that.
“I know.” He sighs; the exhaustion is pulling him under.
But I know, I know he will still hear the alarm, and even if he doesn’t he will still feel me pull away from him in four hours.
He’s too damn observant for his own good sometimes.
Chapter 24
Pagan
Adele and I are sitting on her bed, on the TV the PBS Kids show Dinosaur Train plays. I have to admit, a show about a Tyrannosaurus Rex living with Pteranodons is pretty cute.
The next episode is starting when Wyatt opens the door. Glancing at the clock, I see it’s already after four. Two hours of toddler television later, I need to get ready for my shift at the club.
“How do you feel?” Wyatt asks Adele, sitting on the bed.
“Better. Pagan makes me feel better.” Her little hand grabs mine, and she smiles a wide smile.
“Oh yeah? I bet Pagan can make anything feel better.” Wyatt winks at me over her head.
“Yes,” Adele agrees.
“Let’s check your temperature,” he tells her, grabbing the thermometer. She doesn’t complain, she just allows him to place it in her mouth.
Smoothing her tangled curls from her forehead, I lean down and kiss her. “I have to get ready for work, but I’ll be back later,” I say.
The thermometer beeps and Wyatt pulls it out. “Ninety-nine,” he says. “Good. You gave her the medicine an hour ago?”
“Yes.” I can see the worry in his eyes and the exhaustion. “You got everything moved?”
“Yeah, Mary officially lives here.”
Mary, Terrence, and Wyatt spent the day moving the rest of her stuff from her apartment to the guest bedroom on the other side of the girls’ rooms. We only saw each other in passing this morning. I don’t know why, but I still feel awkward around her.
“I have to go get ready,” I say, pulling away from Adele after one last hug.
“You’ll come back?” Adele asks.
I smile at the tiny child in the big bed. “Yes, I’ll come back. I’ll be here after you fall asleep, but you’ll see me in the morning. I promise.” And with that, I leave her with her brother.
I’m pulling my hair into a ponytail when Wyatt walks in the room. My tie and apron are lying on the bed. “You don’t have to come back. I’ll tell her Jodie needed you at home.”
“Stop being stupid,” I tell him, turning around to face him.
“She’s fine. Her fever will be broken by morning. You should spend some time at home.”
“Wyatt Matthew,” I say as I walk up to him. “Stop being stubborn, I’m here. I’m not going anywhere. I’m here for you. I’m here because it’s where I need to be.”
“Are you sure?”
“Why are you questioning this?” I ask. “Why now?”
“I don’t know. I just, I felt weird the whole day, knowing you were here when you should have been working. Knowing you traded shifts because you wanted to take care of my sister.
I don’t know what it is, Pagan, but I know that I need you here. I need you here all the time. But I can’t need you and keep my promise about
not choosing. I want to, I need to choose you.”
My heart aches for him. My beautiful broken boy is crumbling before my eyes, and I don’t know how to save him.
He’s been my everything these past few weeks, especially this last one. Wyatt has proved to me again and again, that someone like him-so vulnerable and guarded at the same time-can love.
I’m nowhere near ready for the emotion. I don’t know if I can be the person Wyatt needs me to be.
“Wyatt. You’re the one who told me to just let it happen. That’s what I’m doing; I’m allowing myself to feel things that I don’t want to feel. So you cannot come in here and tell me to go home. You can’t tell me that I can’t be here for you.”
“I know, I’m sorry, I just. I don’t understand it. Last night, when I was here, taking care of Adele and you were out with Kala. I felt like by being here with me, you’re holding back from a life you should live. One of us should be living like a normal teenager.”
“There’s no such thing as normal in our world,” I say softly, wrapping my arms around his neck. “There’s no normal, there’s only you and me. You might not be allowed to choose, but I am. And I choose you. I choose you and everything you come with. So stop being stupid, kiss me, and then let me leave so I’m not late.”
Wyatt
Pagan brings out my vulnerability. She knows it. I hate that she knows it. This girl is going to destroy me. I want to say I don’t know where the insecurity came from. But I do. She makes me insecure. Her kindness, her love, it makes me feel unworthy.
She came to me last night. She came to me because I needed her. She stayed because I was stressing over Adele. She stayed today, switched schedules because I had other things to do.
Watching Pagan sit with Adele on the bed, how close they were, how strong their connection is, even if it doesn’t seem like it. I saw it all. Pagan is hurting. She’s hurting for her own sister. The one she refuses to talk about.
Pagan may have healed this week. But she’s still broken.
We’re both still broken. I shouldn’t allow her to come back. I shouldn’t allow her to hide, but I will. I never thought I was capable of being selfish.
I meant what I said; she should be living a normal life. As normal as it can be for people like us.
She had fun with Kala last night. Once she got over the awkwardness. She sounded content last night when she was telling me about it. Everything Pagan told me about the party confirmed that our classmates are silver-spoon bastards. But for one small moment, I wanted to be one of them.
If only to give Pagan the relationship she deserves.
The knock on my door stirs me out of my depressing thoughts. “Come in.”
I’m not surprised to see Mary open the door.
“How’s Adele?”
“Good. I think her fever finally broke,” she says, letting herself into my room.
“Good. Mrs. Smart picked Ava up?”
“Yeah. She practically threw herself into the car. If she has her way, we won’t be seeing much of her this summer.”
“I wasn’t this bad when I was her age. She’s not even a teenager yet.”
“You had more important things to worry about at her age. It’s just Ava. She’s more like Janet than you are.”
“And that is what worries me the most. She’s so much like my mother. From her attitude to her mannerisms.”
“I know. But I don’t think it’s too concerning. The reason I came in here, actually, was to talk about Pagan.” Mary pushes off from the wall she was leaning against and takes a seat on the bed.
“What about her?”
Mary is my best friend, but there are some things I’d rather not discuss with her.
“She’s been spending a lot of time here, for one.”
“Family issues,” I say quickly.
“It’s your house, Wyatt. I’m not judging. But I’m concerned for you. I see the way you look at her. I see the way she looks at you. Are you sure it’s a good idea to have her around?”
“I thought you weren’t judging?”
“I’m not. Wyatt, you’re more than my employer, you’re my friend. I care about you, I care about the girls, and Pagan, she’s a sweet girl. But she’s hurting. There are whispers around town. You say she has family issues, but instead of working things out with her family she’s here.”
“I appreciate your concern, Mary. I do, but whatever you heard, whatever you think you know. You’re wrong. Pagan needs me. And I need her.”
“That’s what I’m afraid of. I’m afraid you’re getting too close. I’m afraid you’re going to be hurt.”
I am too. I understand where Mary is coming from. She’s seen some fucked up shit working here.
“You should be worried about Pagan. You know how bad things can get. I know that loving Pagan is going to destroy me, but have you considered what I’m going to do to her?”
“You’re young, Wyatt. Too young to deal with girl problems on top of everything else.”
“I’m seventeen, Mary. Isn’t this when I’m supposed to have girl problems?”
“I don’t know, I’m not a guy.”
“No, you’re Mary. You’re everything I need you to be.”
“She doesn’t like me, does she?”
“She doesn’t know you. Pagan isn’t very trusting. She has her reasons. I think, if you let her come to you, y’all could be friends. Maybe not best friends, but friends nonetheless. She needs more of those.”
“And you? How many friends do you have?”
“Well there’s you, and Pagan, and Terrence on a good day. How many more do I need?
I don’t have time for friends, Mary, you know this.”
“It makes me sad for you.”
“How many friends do you have? Last I checked, you’re always here or out with the girls somewhere.”
“All right, smartass.” She slaps my leg. “I guess we’re both lacking in the friends department.”
“I guess we are.”
“You’re okay, Wyatt? Really okay?”
“Honestly? I’m more okay than I’ve been in a while. You can thank Pagan for that. By helping her, I’ve been helping myself as well.”
“How so?”
“She’s making me realize that it’s okay to be vulnerable, it’s okay to be selfish. With Pagan, it’s so easy to let my emotions out. So easy to be myself and no one else, not a brother, not a father, not a son. I can just be Wyatt, I’m relearning who he is, and it’s almost nice.”
“Then forget everything I said. I want you to be happy. And Pagan, she makes you happy. But you’re more than happy. When I look at you, I don’t see the same person I saw two months ago. I see someone who’s transitioning from boy to man. And that means so much. Because it means you’re healing.”
Healing.
Am I?
Am I really healing? Can someone like me heal?
Chapter 25
Pagan
“Pagan, we need to talk,” Gran’s soft but stern voice calls out to me. Looking up from the book I’m reading, I lock my gaze with hers. I knew this was coming.
The past two weeks have been too silent. Gran and Gramps have walked around me like they weren’t sure what to do. I can see the questions in their eyes, but neither has made an effort to act.
Until now.
Closing the book, I place it on the sofa next to me and give Gran my full attention. She takes a seat in Gramps’ chair. Her dark gray hair is loose, falling to her shoulders in soft waves. It’s an unusual look for Gran; normally she’s so polished. Today she’s wearing a pair of worn jeans and an old T-shirt. Her feet are bare, showing off her bright red toenails.
“We need to talk about Wyatt.”
“Oh-kay,” I stress the word.
“Y’all have been spending a lot of time together. And while I appreciate everything he’s done for you, I’m concerned. You’ve been through a lot in a short amount of time, and the relationship between you two is-well it’s
obvious that your feelings run deep.”
I’m curious about where this is going. As far as I know, Gran and Gramps accept Wyatt and care about him. They each have formed a different bond with him, at least that’s what I’ve been led to believe.
Maybe I’m wrong. Or maybe I’m putting too much thought into this. If Wyatt was here, he’d tell me to stop thinking so much.
“I don’t see what the issue is. What Wyatt and I have is complicated. We understand each other on a level that I can’t even begin to explain.”
Gran regards me with a look filled with nothing but love. “I understand that, dear, I do. The fact that you let him see the real you, it means so much. But there’s something you’re not telling him, I can see it in your eyes when you look at him. I see it in his too. But I have a feeling you already know that.”
Can I do it?
Can I admit right here and now that what I feel for my beautiful broken boy goes far deeper than anything else?
“Wyatt loves me. He loves me on a level I can’t comprehend. But he hasn’t said the words. He won’t. He knows that I’m not ready. I don’t know if I can ever be ready, I haven’t had much luck in love.” Saying it aloud makes it real. And I’m not sure I’m ready for this to be real yet.
“I know, Pagan, I know he loves you. It’s easy to see. He’s a good boy. Protective of those he cares about.”
Protective. I let that word bounce around in my head a few times. Wyatt is protective of me. It means he’ll do anything to keep me safe, happy, and loved, even if it’s not with him.
That hurts. It hurts so damn much because what if it’s true? What if I have to leave Wyatt in the end? We’re just two lost teenagers. What do we know about love?
Love.
“I love him,” I admit. “I’m in love with someone who might be a little more broken than I am. And I don’t know how to deal with that. I don’t think I can ever tell him how I feel.
Wyatt’s afraid of what our future holds,” I confess. “He’s afraid that I’m going to hurt him. He’s afraid that his situation is going to be too much for me and I’m going to decide that he’s not worth it.
I don’t think I can ever let him go. But I also can’t admit how I feel. I don’t know what love is.
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