Before I Wake: A Kimber S. Dawn MC Novel

by Kimber S. Dawn

  “I was visually double-checking the cake. A piece may have gotten taken out in the process.” I swipe a petit four and hand it to him. “Eat that and keep your mouth shut and everyone here walks away with hands today. So.” I wink over my shoulder at Ty then glance back at Dreads. “Tonight’s the big night. You ready?”

  He chuckles after wiping his mouth with a napkin I handed him. “Vagabond, I’ve been inking the planes of sexy women’s backs since I was old enough to get a boner. If you think I’m sweatin’ about inking a big-ass butterfly on your back, you’re sorely mistaken. I could do this shit with my eyes closed, Pipsqueak.” He winks before grabbing another petit four from Apple’s cake, and I almost sock him for it. “You tell Ty about ol’ boy calling ya last night? What’s the little bitch's name? Beau?”

  I’m headed towards the exit that leads upstairs to Apple’s and my room when his words stop me. And I slowly glance over at Ty then look back at Dreads before turning around.

  “And how exactly do you know that, Daniel?”

  He doesn’t like it when I use his real first name, but it’s the newly developed mother in me. I’ve been catching myself doing it a lot with the other brothers too lately. To Pops’ and Jacques’s men.

  “I have my ways. Everything you do is being watched, Pipsqueak. If not by your father, then someone else. As long as Ben Cain is still unaccounted for, that’s the way it’s gonna be.”

  Well, isn’t that comforting…

  I look at Ty and nod towards the exit. “Go pick me some clothes out to wear, please, bae. I looked yesterday, but I couldn’t find anything. Make sure it’s cute. Yet a little sexy.” I finish directing my words at Ty, but because I’m glaring at Dreads, I doubt he can tell. “Beau wants to be my date to today’s events as well as tonight when Dreads tattoos my back. And I think it’s damn time I start. Dating, that is.”

  After Dreads has rolled his eyes, I look to where Ty is leaving the room.

  “Well, as soon as you stop fucking around with Dreads about the butterfly tat you want. Your so-called”—he raises his hands and makes air quotes before repeating my own words back at me—“‘transformation.’ That you can’t wait to get permanently put on your back. You, dove, won’t be moving forward. Which is what you need. Stat. I’m going to pick out the sluttiest Stepford-wife outfit I can find—I’ll tell you that. And you’re gonna fucking wear it.” Before he leaves the room, he corners Dreads with his words and his glare. “I want her back inked the hell up tonight. I want the piece finished.” Then he narrows his eyes on mine. “You will have a grand time today and tonight. You will wear what I pick out. Accessories included, too. And you will look absolutely beautiful all day today. You will smile. You will flirt. And, after you flirt—and, bitch, you WILL flirt. When this evening arrives and it’s time to say goodbye to our sexy Beau, you will ask him on a second date. For next weekend. I need at least another week, and you need one sexy-ass back tattoo. Then you’ll have your pick of these boys. But, at first, we’ll concentrate on Beau. God, I have a weakness for men with blond hair named Beau,” he mutters as he exits the room.

  “He has a weakness towards blonds in general. I’d watch out, Dreads.” I jerk my chin towards the door Ty just walked through. “Especially with your golden, dreaded locks.” I chuckle when Dreads’ eyes almost bulge out.

  “No. No. I’m not on that fucking team. I don’t even play ball near that court. I’m certain of it. So this Beau, huh?” He winks when I shake my head.

  I do my best to shove at his chest and try to push him away when his arms circle the tops of my shoulders and he settles his chin on my head.

  “Come on, Vagabond. Not with Beau. Give your boy a shot. Hell give him a call—let him know he’s got a shot. I’m not just trying to keep Beau’s preppy ass away from your only child, but I also want her to have a chance to know who her real father is.” His sad eyes almost catch me off guard. And they would have had his softly spoken, insane words not done the job first.

  “Dreads, I’m not.” I shake my head before pulling away and heading towards the lobby, where I left my pops and Apple. “I have to go check on Apple. I left her with Pops. But it’s getting late. I’m sure he needs—” I’m blabbering. I’m spitting out every weightless excuse I can muster, and even I know it, but I don’t care.

  I can’t—I won’t do this again. Not with Dreads. Not with Jacques. Not again. I head towards the room's exit as the same thoughts start spiraling my brain again.

  I know why Dreads wants me and Jacques to work out. I understand where his confusion is now that Jacques has his memory and we’re still not together. But, like Jacques is unable to explain it to him, obviously, so am I.

  I don’t know why Jacques rescued me then dropped me off at his compound instead of the hospital. I don’t know what the fuck he was thinking, taking a pregnant woman in preterm labor to an MC. Maybe he wasn’t. Hell, it wouldn’t be the first time Jacques didn’t think. He for damn sure wasn’t thinking the day our daughter was born and he failed to show up.

  I can’t even think about him right now. I don’t even know what I’m doing or thinking or why I’m allowing myself to think about Dreads’ words right now. Not today, of all days.

  Today is the day. It’s a milestone. Today’s the day I finally start moving forward.

  I’m how old? Almost twenty-eight?

  No—I mentally chastise myself for blaming my past for why I haven’t moved forward with Apple’s and my future. It’s well fucking past time I get my head out of my ass. Jacques isn’t coming back for me. He’s had a year with his memory of us. He’s had a year since Apple was born.

  I feel my resolve harden to steel as I make my way from the room. I feel myself accepting the past for the first time, and then I feel as though it may finally truly be okay to move forward. I’ve waited long enough. Haven’t I? And why not move on with Beau? He’s a good guy. I hope you understand all that I’ve been through. I hope you know why I have to make this decision.

  Please understand…

  “Jacques’ll be here in an hour. An hour and a half tops.” Dreads words slice through the room, causing the sad smile on my face to falter as I try and fail to step from the room with my scattering thoughts.

  “Come again?” My eyebrows furrow and I stop in my tracks, my back to him.

  The hell did he just say?

  My eyes catch on my father’s as he heads up the hallway towards the ballroom on the first floor. When he sees me, he makes a beeline towards where I’m standing just outside the kitchen’s entrance. His eyes are huge and darting back and forth between mine.

  “You heard me, Vagabond. You didn’t think he’d let this happen without being here, did you?” Dreads’ sinister chuckle raises a different brand of my hackles as my father rushes up the lobby stairs towards me.

  I turn towards the man who’s been my only tie between Jacques’s world and mine, and for the first time since meeting him, I question his loyalty to me. His friendship. I question almost everything concerning Dreads and me.

  “What’s your deal, Dreads? Huh? Why are you being this way?”

  “I’m not being any way. I’m just stating the facts.” He stands directly behind me as my father gets closer to us. “Looks like your pops is here to save the day by telling you anyway. Doesn’t matter how you find out your destiny is about to change...” Dreads’ lips brush my forehead before he steps around me and heads down the corridor. “Just so long you do. Don’t go to Apple’s birthday with Beau. If you know what’s good for you and your pops’ club. I’m telling you: Don’t fucking go with him. Jacques already knows the punk-ass preppy bitch has the hots for you. Now, he knows he calls you. And he’s headed here because of it.” He laughs before stepping into an elevator, and my father’s shouting covers up anything else he could have said.

  “Eve! Eve, I just left Apple in the nursery on the second floor with her sitter. I came as soon as he called. He didn’t even speak to me! He spoke to Philip!” My pop
s shakes his head before bringing an arm around my shoulder and ushering towards the hall Dreads just wandered down.

  “I know, Pops. I know.”

  “No! You—wait. Dreads knows.” He stops us just short of the elevator then turns me to face him. “You okay?” His thick, black eyebrows slant across his forehead. “I mean really, you okay, cher bebe, yeah?”

  “I don’t know,” I truthfully answer him. “I just know I’m ready to get through today. Can you and Ty still watch Apple for me tonight? Dreads is doing my back. Remember?”

  Did you see that? Did you catch it?

  Ahh…tell me I haven’t mastered the art of deflecting. Not only myself, but my loved ones as well.

  “Wait—so then everything still goes as planned? Even though Jacques Cain is on his way here? Eve, I didn’t know. Had I known, had he mentioned it last month at our meeting... But he didn’t—”

  “No, it’s all right, Pops. I’m a big girl, I can handle Jacques.” I smile at him, deciding right now that I’m not running anywhere this time.

  I’m not running from confrontation. I’m not dodging another conflict. My daughter has a birthday today. And there will be a celebration. One that involves me moving forward. And I don’t care who’s here to watch when it starts. It’s not like I’ve ever been afraid of public humility. Which I’m sure is on the roster for tonight.

  “I know what I’m doing. And I may not know who I want to do it with, but I know who I don’t—and I don’t want to do this with Jacques. He had his turn. Hell, he had the longest goddamn turn anyone has ever had in the history of turns. And his is over. I’m getting my tattoo after my daughter’s birthday. And I may or may not let Beau drive me down to the parlor. We’ll see how everything goes during the party.” I shrug and try to blink tears away as the first bit of uncertainty settles around my pounding heart.

  “And you’re sure? You’re okay with Jacques being here? I can tell him to leave when he arrives, ma chère. And by all rights because I wasn’t the one he notified of his arrival, so he’ll have to leave. That or he puts our alliance at stake.” His voice is stern but kind.

  It’s one of his qualities that still impresses me a year after really getting to know him. His ability to mix kindness with concern all while rendering an equal respect.

  “And I will ask him to leave,” he says. “All you have to do is say the words.”

  “I’ll be fine,” I lie to my father.

  Probably not for the last time today.

  I had my cousin Ben cornered almost exactly a year ago today. I had him, but then we fucking lost him. Well...he got away. “King’s” men and I were the first on the scene at the old barn house. We searched the place too, from fucking top to bottom. We searched every room. Including the one Vagabond had spent the first few months of her unknown pregnancy in. I shudder when I think of her carrying my child in those conditions. I shudder at my stupidity. Then I shudder because, for the life of me, I still don’t know what the fuck I’m doing. Much like I didn’t then.

  “King’s” men said that Ben was there. They said that they saw him, thought about making contact with him, even, despite my threats if they did before I got there. But, in the end, they didn’t. And when my men and I got there, he was fucking gone like the wind. I swear I vaguely heard the chords of Lynyrd Skynyrd's “Tuesday’s Gone” as I looked down the long dirt driveway and the wind kicked up dust in the shape of tornadoes after I’d finally conceded to myself that I’d lost him. Again.

  And that was the last time we were even close, over a year ago, to catching him. Ben’s been a ghost ever since. His moves make no sense; it’s so random. If we get word, there’s never anyone who’ll back it up once we get there. And, when we got to the little town he was supposed to be holed up in, he was already fucking gone. The only people who will shelter him are the last of the SOS brothers who still associate with the chapters that continued to function in the sex trade and skin business. The sectors of the club my pops made certain he wanted put out of business before his death.

  But I failed. It’s more than obvious now just how badly I’ve failed.

  First, at trying to heal my physical body, and then at trying to heal my fractured mind. But I’ve let the club down. I’ve let my pops down. I’ve let my family down. And, now, these men running these organizations aren’t still only in business, but they’re fucking thriving.

  Well, I won’t rest until the shit’s snuffed out and stopped. All of it. I can’t.

  I can’t have my brothers—my family name—associated with the likes of that kinda shit! What if my daughter sees me today, on her birthday of all days, and decides to give me a chance? Huh? What then?

  You expect me to just lie down and let fucking Beau Landry try to take my place in her life? Or fill my spot in my Vagabond’s life?

  Insert hysterical laughter here. I’m sorry. Have you not met me? Have you been present for this fucking story? Any of it?!

  Because that’s not how Jacques fucking Cain rolls. Never has been, never will be. I may have let uncertainty keep me away from my daughter before. I may have allowed my insecurities as a man, as the president of an MC, as a leader, weaken the confidence I needed to be a father. But it won’t stop me from being Apple’s. Not anymore. I’ve let it get between us for too long.

  Come hell or high water. I’m ready for whatever the hell her momma wants to throw at me. But this is happening. And it’s happening today. I’ve already missed one birthday—I won’t lose another one.

  I promise myself for the hundredth time while taking the exit ramp towards the part of New Orleans my Vagabond and my daughter have resided in over the last year without me.

  Well...no longer, pipsqueak. Mark my words, no fucking longer. Especially after I let her in on my plans. But we won’t mention that. At least not yet anyway.

  You could add all of my birthdays together and they still wouldn’t cost as much as my kid’s first birthday. Now, ask me if I’m offended at the amount of money “King” spent on her birthday. Ask me if it pissed me off.

  Nope. Not one little bit. Even though the little people were offensive. Sorry—they freak me the fucking hell out. And when have you ever known me to be PC? I still had no problem immediately feeling comfortable amongst “King’s” men and a few of mine as Dreads and I watched my little girl run in circles and chase balloons with the other kids from afar.

  “You gonna go say hi?” Dreads chuckles.

  I glare at him. “You know I can’t. Not yet. What if Vagabond comes in and flips her shit while I’m introducing myself? Like that wouldn’t scar the shit out of the poor kid. No—I said I’m waiting on Eve, so I’m waiting on her. Then I’ll introduce myself to my daughter, okay?”

  Dreads ducks his head when Eve finally walks in through the door, and though he steps to the side like he’s trying to escape, my hand whips out and hooks his elbow before he can step too far away. And, just as I see Beau walk into the main ballroom with his hand on the small of Eve’s back, mine clamps down even harder on Dreads’ arm.

  She looks breathtaking even from my spot in the room. Her blood-red floor-length dress is almost too revealing even for my tastes, and I’ve seen some A-1 yoda women as well as some damn good trash. But, when the sleeve draped over her left shoulder falls, my vision damn near fades to the red color of her dress. And then Beau steps even closer to her.

  “Oh. Hell. Fuck no. What’s this shit? I thought you said he called wanting to know what Apple wanted for her birthday. Not who would take her”—I snap my fingers, trying to remember the Cajun word Dreads said Apple uses for Pipsqueak—“maman to her party. What the fuck is this shit, man? I told you he was trying to fucking make a move on her!” When I realize how loud I’ve gotten, I quickly say a silent prayer, thanking God for all the loud Cajuns in the room.

  “Dude, I said he called. I never said why he called ’cause Vagabond wouldn’t tell me. I will say you had to see this shit coming. Hell, I told you it was headed straight for
you. I told you she was a diamond.” His high whistle causes Eve to turn, and when she first sees Dreads, she’s blushing…

  Until her eyes land and then lock on mine. Then it’s an entirely different look altogether. She does step the fuck away from Beau though, thankfully. And all the blood drains from her face, so she instantly loses her blush.

  And I can’t fucking help it. After shoving my hands into my front pockets, I shrug my shoulders at her. Then I wink as she advances towards me.

  “Hey, you,” I mouth the words at her and jerk my head for her to come here when her steps falter.

  I glance at the ground between where Dreads and I are standing. I want her to get farther the fuck away from Beau. I turn to Dreads, and for reasons unknown...I swear I think I growl.

  “The fuck. Get him away from her. Keep him away from her. I don’t give a fuck if you have to fucking slit his throat. I want him away from her, even if that means I have to explain to ‘King’ why one of his youngest patch holders is no longer breathing!”

  As soon as I see “King” slide into the room, I plaster a huge smile on my face, making sure my dimples are on full display right beside my pearly white teeth. Then I look in his direction, keeping Vagabond in my peripheral.

  “Hey. How goes it, brother? Long time, no see. Plenty of speak though.” I cheers the bottle of beer he handed me with the lip of his crystal tumbler. Then I cut straight to the point. ’Cause I’m not feeling like dancing around the fucking bush right now.

  “The hell is your boy Beau doing with our girl?” I motion to where she’s currently trying to escape his attention as he calls her name.

  She dodges his hand for the second time in the crowded room but plays it off.

  “Jacques, I thought for sure... With you being your ma’s kid, you’d know of all people. There’s no telling that girl anything. There’s no keeping that girl from anyone she wants to be with. Eve is a perfectly grown woman, and she’s perfectly capable of handling her own mind and making her own decisions. I’m just here to step in when she needs my help or asks for guidance. But this.” He points to the room first then to the birthday girl. “This she did all on her own. All by herself.”