Embracing the Dawn

by Jeannie Levig

  She loved looking at E. J. She loved touching her. She loved her softness, her scent, her taste. She loved talking with her, telling her jokes, her laugh. She loved…Did she love her? She thought about E. J.’s aborted statement earlier. I can’t love…Did E. J. love her? That was ridiculous. Whatever they felt for one another or were to each other, it couldn’t be love. They’d been together only three times, had just met—what was it—a month ago? Could that be right? Jinx felt good with E. J. She felt special. Every time E. J. showed up again, Jinx felt like a brand new sun had risen to shine only on her. Yup, she decided, that definitely had to be ego. Who wouldn’t feel good with someone like E. J. beside her? Who wouldn’t feel special?

  There were some things, though, about E. J. that would get annoying very quickly. That whole obsessive thing she had around her son and her fear of him finding out who she really was. How long could that go on without causing issues? Apparently, one month. That was how long they’d known each other, only one month. All of this was ridiculous.

  Jinx’s inner voice—or perhaps, Namastacey’s—spoke up. How is that any different from your fear about people knowing you’re an ex-con or a drug addict? How is her irrational focus on Jacob different from your insistence that Andrea talk to you?

  None of it mattered anyway. E. J. was gone. She undoubtedly wouldn’t be back this time. She’d made her feelings crystal clear. What they’d shared until that morning had been awesome, at least for Jinx, and that’s what she would hold on to. That’s what she wanted to remember, if she could do it without it hurting. If she couldn’t, well, the whole thing would have to go. She’d made enough of an idiot of herself over E. J. It was time to move on.

  Jinx fed Dylan his special food and gave him one of the new toys Ms. Meyers customarily left with him, then finished with the rest of the dogs in the kennels. She basked in the warmth of the sunshine on her face while she supervised the dogs’ playtime in the community yard, before heading up to the house to watch Sparkle make homemade peach pie.

  In the kitchen, Jinx found her putting the pies into the oven. She’d missed the part she liked best, seeing the dough for the crust being made and spread out in the tins. Watching Sparkle make pies and do certain other tasks around the house made Jinx feel at home, even more so than how she always felt being there. She never knew why. Maybe it was because she’d never been in what she would actually consider a home with the people who made it such, at least, not that she remembered. Or maybe it was some old, forgotten memory of what it’d been like with her mother.

  “Hey,” Jinx said, sliding onto a stool at the bar.

  Sparkle glanced over her shoulder as she closed the oven door. She straightened and scowled. “That bitch. Who does she think she is, judging you?”

  How did Sparkle know? Jinx frowned. Of course, she knew the same way Reggie had. Jinx wouldn’t be here if everything had gone well the night before. “She didn’t exactly judge me. It was more about her being afraid her son would find out she’s gay.” She shrugged. “And dating me,” she admitted.

  “What’d she say?”

  “Nothing that wasn’t true. That I’m a criminal and her son’s a lawyer and I’m the banished member of his new wife’s family. That it was all too complicated.”

  Sparkle wiped her hands on a dish towel and crossed to the bar. “You were a criminal. You’re not anymore. You served your time—and then some. You have a job. You help people and animals. You’re a good person. And I, for one, am glad you were in prison. You saved Trisha’s life, helped her pass her GED, and now my baby sister’s out and has a new life. You deserve the same.”

  These were words Sparkle had said many times before, and sometimes Jinx could feel them. Sometimes not. This morning, she was trying, but the cool, removed look on E. J.’s face once she’d obviously made up her mind hovered in front of her like a barrier. She knew there was truth in Sparkle’s words, but would she ever fully be able to leave the past behind? She looked down at her hands. “It’s okay.”

  “It is certainly not okay.” Sparkle slapped the towel against the counter. “She’s got no right judging you. I’m sure she’s got a few things in her past she’d like to do over, too. We all do.”

  Jinx thought back to E. J.’s allusion to being careless with Jacob, not being there, what she’d said about being selfish. Those had to be things she wished she could do over. Jinx wondered what’d happened, then remembered she’d never know. Hell, the only things she knew even now were those she’d specifically asked about. E. J. had never actually volunteered a single thing about herself.

  “I told you,” Sparkle said, jabbing a finger at Jinx. “If she hurt you, I’d hunt her down and kick her ass, and I meant it.”

  Jinx adored Sparkle. She was such a champion for the people she loved. Jinx smiled. “I appreciate that, but you’ll have a hard time doing it. I don’t even know what city she lives in.”

  Sparkle considered her for a long moment, her demeanor softening. “Jinxie, how’d you go so ga-ga over a woman you don’t even know?”

  Jinx shrugged. “I don’t know.” And she really didn’t. She just knew she had. The door she’d begun to close on those feelings started to creep open again. She tried to slam it shut. “I was a moron, but I’ll be fine.”

  Sparkle continued to watch her. “I’ve never seen you like this, all mushy over someone. Even when I was writing to you in prison and you talked about Val—and I know you loved her—you weren’t like you are with this one. What is it, Jinxie?”

  Jinx shook her head. “I don’t know. It’s just…I feel good when I’m with her. I feel like I used to, a long time ago. You know, before everything. When she looks at me, it’s like she’s only seeing the good in me…until this morning, that is. But even last night, after she knew all the worst, she still seemed to see something else.” So, what happened this morning?

  Sparkle cocked her head and raised an eyebrow.

  “I know. It’s nuts. I’m nuts.”

  “No,” Sparkle said quietly. “It isn’t. It’s what I feel with Reggie. When she looks at me that way, it makes me want to be everything she believes I am. Makes me want to be a better person. I had no idea that’s what this was. I guess I was too hell-bent on trying to protect you to see it. But no one can protect you from your heart, and from that person who makes you feel like being more.”

  “What?” Jinx was lost.

  “Yup. You’re going to have to see this thing through.” Sparkle’s tone was suddenly matter-of-fact.

  “See what through? It’s over. She’s gone.”

  Sparkle slipped onto the bar stool beside Jinx. “If that’s true, then you’ll always have that special way she made you feel. If it isn’t, if she comes back again—”

  “She won’t.” Jinx remembered the conviction in E. J.’s expression when she’d told Jinx she couldn’t do this, that she couldn’t love…What the hell had she almost said? Whatever it was, she’d been certain of it. Jinx could feel the pain of E. J.’s exit eking into her heart again, the pain she’d felt each time E. J. had left. She couldn’t do it anymore, especially now that she’d revealed so much. She was too vulnerable, too raw.

  “If she does, you’re going to want to see her again. To give her another chance.”

  Jinx blinked in disbelief. “What happened to kicking her ass?”

  “I still might do that. It depends. But you have something with her.”

  Jinx sighed. “I can’t, Sparkle.”

  “Trust me.”

  “She’s not coming back.”

  “Just…if she does…trust me.”

  “I’ll think about it.”

  The afternoon was relaxing. She watched a movie and prepared dinner with Reggie and Sparkle, and spent the evening playing Liverpool Rummy with all the kids and Trisha. More than anything, though, Jinx was grateful to be distracted from thoughts of E. J. Later, as she turned onto her street, as much as she fought it, she felt a tiny twinge of hope that E. J.’s car would be in
her driveway, announcing some miraculous change of E. J.’s heart, but the driveway was empty.

  Jinx knew what awaited her inside and steeled herself for it. She walked into the house after leaving the plate Sparkle had made for Kenny on the front porch—still a little disgruntled that he’d so easily talked to E. J. when he still so rarely spoke to her—and froze at the sight of the dishes, the bedding, the CD player. Reminders of the past two nights. All the feelings of rejection, loss, and loneliness flooded back in. She had to get her place back if she was going to have any chance of moving through this.

  She quickly did the dishes and put them away, then stripped the bedding from the mattress. She’d never be able to sleep enveloped in E. J.’s scent. She grabbed the bath towel still redolent of jasmine before stuffing everything into a pillowcase. She caught a glimpse of herself in the bathroom mirror and stared at her cherished Bad Dog T-shirt. It had to go as well. With resolve, she yanked it off, strode to the kitchen, and grabbed a pair of scissors from a drawer. Before she could change her mind, she cut the fabric into strips and dropped it into the trash. Next, she took the Debussy CD from the player and broke it in half. After pulling on another shirt, with trash bag in one hand and laundry in the other, she headed out the door. When she returned, her house and her life would be hers again.

  But what about my heart?

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  “I can’t do dinner. I have too much work.” E. J. indicated the files and papers covering her desk and the computer screen lit up with a financial report. It wasn’t a complete lie. She did have a lot of work, but much of it was the same work she’d had ever since she had gotten home after her cowardly retreat from the weekend with Jinx. Her customary withdrawal into the many responsibilities of overseeing ten stores following any kind of drama had failed her. She couldn’t concentrate. So, she had just spent hour after hour, day after day, staring at words and numbers, pretending to be all-consumed. “We’ll do it soon, though. I promise.”

  Mandy planted her fists on her hips. “Come on, Mom. There’s always work. It’ll still be here tomorrow. We haven’t talked since the wedding.”

  That was no accident. E. J. had been putting Mandy off ever since she had met Jinx and gotten so loopy over her, because Mandy could read E. J. too well. They were very much alike, so it would take only ten minutes face-to-face, and Mandy, even if she didn’t know what, would know something was wrong. “I’m sorry, sweetie, I just…I can’t.”

  “I’m heading home,” Gwen said from the doorway.

  Mandy shot her a pleading look.

  Gwen hesitated. “E. J., why don’t you take your daughter up on dinner? I’ll bet she’ll even treat. That’s the advantage of raising successful children.” She leveled her gaze at Mandy. “Are you still seeing Russ?” She arched an eyebrow.

  Mandy squinted slightly, then said, “Oh. Yes.” She turned back to E. J. “And I need your advice on something.”

  E. J. rolled her eyes. “Really? You think I’m oblivious to your schemes? Besides, you’re way better at intimate relationships than I am. I should be asking you for advice.” She hoped it sounded light despite the truth of the statement. She briefly wondered what wisdom Mandy might have for her about Jinx, if she could talk to her about it. She had considered coming out to Mandy over the years. She was fairly certain Mandy would be fine with it, but as close as she and Jacob were, it wouldn’t be fair to ask her to keep such a secret from him.

  “We could do that, too.” Mandy smiled. “Russ has an uncle—”

  “Oh, God, no.” E. J. shoved her fingers into her ears. “I’m sorry I said anything.”

  Gwen laughed. “How about this? E. J., you agree to a dinner within the next week, and, Mandy, I will personally add it to her calendar and make sure she shows. She wouldn’t be any fun tonight anyway. She’s been a grouch all week.”

  Mandy eyed E. J. “Mom?”

  “Yes, that sounds like a good plan. How’s next Monday?”

  When Mandy had gone, Gwen lingered in the doorway.

  E. J. pushed back in her chair. “Okay, let’s have it. What do you have to say?”

  Gwen glanced at her watch. “Since it’s after hours and nobody’s here, I’m going to be blunt.”

  “For a change?”

  “I’m wondering,” Gwen said as though E. J. hadn’t spoken, “when you’re going to actually talk about whatever happened the last time you saw Jinx, instead of walking around sulking, avoiding the people who care about you, and biting off everyone’s head.”

  “I’m not sulking.” E. J. flicked a pen on her desk.

  “You are.” Gwen straightened the papers in front of E. J. before stacking them on some file folders.

  “Hey, I’m working on that.”

  “No, you aren’t. You’re staring at it. You haven’t done any work for weeks.” Gwen shut down E. J.’s computer. “Come on. We’re leaving. Let’s go to your place.”

  E. J. looked up at her, equally annoyed and grateful. She needed to talk and never would have initiated it on her own. She was too angry, too humiliated, too conflicted. “What would I do without you?”

  “I shudder to think.”

  *

  E. J. changed into lounge wear, gave Gwen some designer sweats, and stood in her kitchen, staring at the wine rack. As much as she wanted something to bolster her strength for the ensuing conversation, as much as she wanted to go numb, nothing looked good.

  “Taylor’s bringing Chinese,” Gwen said as she strode into the room. “So pick something that goes.”

  E. J. shot her a questioning look.

  “I called her on the way over. She deserves to hear this, too. You’ve yelled at her three times that I know of. Besides, she has more of an understanding of your weirdo desire to stay independent.”

  E. J. wanted to be irked, but instead, all she said was, “Will you call her and tell her to pick up some apple juice?” That was all she seemed to want to drink these days.

  Gwen lifted one eyebrow in evident surprise. “Sure.”

  E. J. ignored it. “You and Taylor can pick a wine.”

  When Gwen returned her cell phone to her purse, she flopped beside E. J. into the plush cushions of the large sectional. She let out a long sigh. “I love this couch.” She stretched, then moaned. “Since you’re so much older than me, will you leave it to me in your will?”

  E. J. gave a small smile and tilted her head back to stare at the high ceiling, a position she had spent a lot of time in lately.

  “Oh, wow.” Gwen’s voice held concern. “This must be worse than I thought. That line normally would have been worth at least ten minutes of banter.”

  E. J. pursed her lips and closed her eyes. Gwen was right. It was worse than she could possibly know. It was worse than even E. J. had suspected, and she knew the entire story. She had never in her life gone through anything that couldn’t be blocked out by submersion in work. Even immediately following the discovery of Jacob’s molestation and the subsequent counseling, she had been able to hide her emotions in her job and commitments, at least for short periods. This thing with Jinx, though, seemed inescapable. Everything was a reminder. Even things that didn’t have anything to do with Jinx somehow brought E. J. back around to her.

  Just that morning, she had been sitting at a stop light and saw a man who looked a lot like a guy who had dated her college roommate. It made her wonder where her roommate was living now and what she was doing. Last they’d spoken, she was working in hotel management and was married to a stockbroker, but then E. J. remembered she had heard from a mutual friend that she had gotten a divorce and was now married to a psychiatrist. That reminded her of Jinx’s joke about why you can’t hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom, and there she was, back to seeing that spark of laughter in Jinx’s eyes.

  “E. J.?” Gwen’s tone was tentative. “Are you okay? You’re shaking.”

  E. J. turned to her. “I don’t know. There’s so much about this I don’t understand. So much I’ve
never felt before.” She looked again to the ceiling and blinked back the beginning of tears. “I hate feeling so out of control. I’m afraid I’m going crazy.”

  Gwen took her into a tight hug. “You’re not. I promise. We’ll work it all out.” She eased back and locked eyes with E. J. “There’s never been anything the three of us couldn’t handle in any of our lives. Has there? Even my mother moving in with me for six months. Remember that one?”

  E. J. managed a soft laugh. She nodded.

  “Okay then. Taylor and food will be here shortly, and we’ll take this thing apart.”

  “Chinese delivery.” Taylor’s voice rang through the condo, followed by the slam of the front door.

  “Speak of the devil,” Gwen said just loud enough for Taylor to hear.

  “Devil, you say?” Taylor sauntered into the living room, wearing designer jeans and a maroon blouse. She kissed the top of E. J.’s head in greeting. “You ain’t seen nothin’ yet, baby.”

  E. J. winced at the endearment. From now on, it would always make her think of Jinx and the soft way she said it, never mind E. J.’s reaction to it. She had always hated when anyone else called her baby, but every time Jinx did, it melted her.

  Taylor bent close to Gwen. “Give me a chance and I’ll show you devil—in a good way.” She leaned in and brushed her lips across Gwen’s cheek.

  “Food,” Gwen said. “I’m starving.”

  E. J. got plates and glasses, while Taylor and Gwen spread out the takeout containers on the coffee table and squabbled over which wine would go best. Her apple juice tasted delicious and, of course, brought Jinx to mind—as if Jinx wasn’t already consuming her every thought. Within minutes, they were dishing up their meals.