Embracing the Dawn

by Jeannie Levig

  Tiffany smiled. “Yes, thank you.” Inside, she glanced around, her gaze landing on first the kitchen area, then the dinette, then the bed.

  For the first time, Jinx regretted having no couch, no place for company to sit and be comfortable. Until now, her only visitors had either been fine just flopping onto the bed or being invited into it. “I—I’m sorry there’s no place…We can sit over here.” Jinx motioned Tiffany to the dinette. “It’s not—”

  “It’s fine,” Tiffany said as she crossed the room and sat.

  “Do you want anything to…” Jinx faltered. “Do you want some water?” Damn this whole drop-in company thing. How was anyone ever prepared for it? Since it was becoming more common, she should ask Sparkle.

  Tiffany smiled again. “No, thank you. I’m fine.”

  They stared at one another.

  Jinx was astounded at how much Tiffany resembled Andrea. She’d noticed it at the wedding—the same dark brown hair and eyes, the same slightly turned up nose—but here, now, with Tiffany in navy slacks, a cream-colored blouse, and low heels rather than a designer wedding dress, the likeness was uncanny. Though older than Andrea had been when Jinx left home, Tiffany could have been her twin.

  “You still look a lot like your pictures,” Tiffany said, evidently conducting her own perusal.

  “Pictures?” Jinx sat across from her.

  “Luke has some. He gave me a few.” Tiffany retrieved an envelope from her purse and handed it to Jinx. “I made copies for you. I thought you might like to have them, if you don’t already.” Her cheeks turned pink.

  Jinx sifted through the photos. She slowed at several snapshots of her and Andrea that she actually remembered Luke taking—he’d always made a point of taking a picture of the two of them on each of their birthdays every year—then stopped at a small, formal portrait from her last year at the private high school they’d attended. It was taken shortly before her father died.

  “I think you still look most like that one,” Tiffany said, her words sounding a little rushed. “But this is my favorite.” She pulled out a snapshot of Jinx, at ten, halfway up the ladder to the tree house, looking back over her shoulder at the camera. “I like it because your smile’s so big and you look happy, but there’s also fight in your eyes. I’ve always wondered what Luke said right before he took it.”

  Jinx remembered, but it hadn’t been Luke. She shifted her gaze to Tiffany. How much should she tell her without knowing why she was here? She was here, though. Wasn’t that more important than why? “It wasn’t Luke,” Jinx said, her tone low. “It was your mom. And she’d just told me that something your grandmother had said to me that morning wasn’t true and when we got older, we’d…get even with her.” Andrea’s wording had been far more colorful, but Jinx didn’t think she needed to share the details with Tiffany. She smiled at the memory of Andrea’s chivalry on her behalf.

  Tiffany’s expression softened. “My grandmother was terrible to you,” she said flatly.

  Jinx wanted to agree. That part of her that could still feel the pain of all the cutting words and rejection, the part that had wanted revenge someday, that little girl that felt robbed of something so basic as a family, wanted to say, yes, she was horrible. Nora was Tiffany’s grandmother, though, and although Tiffany clearly knew some things—had Luke told her? Surely, it hadn’t been Andrea—Jinx wouldn’t add to it from her own baggage. “It was a difficult situation for everyone,” she said finally.

  Tiffany’s lips curved into a gentle smile, but her eyes held sadness. “You’re very generous.”

  Jinx didn’t want to go down this road with Tiffany. She didn’t want to dredge up old hurts and resentments. She wanted to take advantage of the moment and be fully present in it, maybe learn a few things about her niece. “What are you doing here, Tiffany?” She straightened the pictures in her hands. “Don’t get me wrong. I’m glad you’re here. In fact, I can’t believe it, but I’m wondering why. Your mother was very clear at the wedding that she didn’t want you having anything to do with me.”

  Tiffany leaned forward in her chair. “I want to get to know you. I always have, ever since I first heard about you.”

  “When was that?” Jinx couldn’t imagine Andrea had voluntarily told her daughter anything about her convict aunt.

  “When I was nine, I was playing in my mom’s jewelry box, and I found a picture of you.”

  “Your mom had a picture of me?” Jinx needed verification she’d heard correctly.

  Tiffany nodded. “And she was really upset that I took it and made me give it back, even though she said it was nothing important. Have you ever seen or met someone you want to get to know, and you just can’t let it go?”

  E. J.’s image filled Jinx’s mind. She pushed it aside. You don’t get to be here. You didn’t want to be. “Yes,” she said. She, at least, couldn’t deny the truth of that.

  “That’s how I felt when I saw your picture. I used to sneak back into my parents’ room and look at it, making up stories about who you might be. Then one day, Luke mentioned a Chelle when he was talking about my mother as a child, and I asked him who that was. He didn’t want to tell me at first. He said it would upset my mother, but when I showed him the picture, he did. When I asked him why I’d never met you, he said you left home way before I was born. He told me a lot of stories about you and Mom after that.” Tiffany smiled. “He loves you both so much.”

  Jinx warmed at the memory of Luke’s welcoming grin and the feel of his arms around her in the gardens the night of the wedding. “He’s a great guy,” she said around a swell of emotion. “I saw him the night you got married. He’s pretty taken with you, too.”

  Tiffany blushed. “He’s always been my confidant.”

  Jinx chuckled, remembering all the secrets Luke had been privy to, from the names of imaginary unicorns to the hidden location of buried treasure, from Andi’s fears of always falling short in her mother’s eyes to Jinx’s inner struggle to hold on to the knowledge that she wasn’t what Nora Tanner said she was. “He was always that for your mom and me, too.”

  “I think he still is, for Mom, I mean. I used to see them talking every once in a while. And once, after Grandmother died and we’d moved to the estate, I went out to the tree house, and I heard my mom crying and Luke talking to her.”

  Andrea crying in the tree house? Keeping a picture of Jinx in her jewelry box? Jinx would never have imagined either of those occurrences, based on Andrea’s reaction to her both times she’d seen her. She had no reason to doubt Tiffany, though. She was relieved to discover Andrea wasn’t as hardened and calloused toward her and their childhood as she seemed. Maybe Andrea was just pissed, and pissed was far more manageable.

  “I’m sorry. Maybe I shouldn’t be telling you all this,” Tiffany said in a rush. “I have a tendency to run off at the mouth when I’m nervous.”

  “Why are you nervous?”

  “I was afraid you wouldn’t want to see me, wouldn’t want to talk. It took me a long time to work up the nerve to try to get in touch with you. That’s why I invited you to the wedding. I thought if you had no interest in any contact, like Mom said, you wouldn’t come, and if you did come, it meant you might be open to more. I’m so sorry about what she said to you, though. I never meant for anything like that to happen.”

  Jinx shook her head. “None of this is your fault. The thing between me and your mom is our stuff, not yours. It goes back a long time. I’m glad you invited me.”

  “You are?” Tiffany looked relieved.

  “I am.” The last thing Jinx wanted was for Tiffany to feel bad about anything. “I got to see Luke. I got to go up in the tree house again. And I got to meet you, all things I never thought would happen. I admit, my reunion with my sister wasn’t everything I dreamed it would be,” she said with a smile, hoping to lighten the mood.

  Tiffany laughed. “Things with Mom rarely are. But she’s not a bad person, Aunt Michelle. She’s just…I don’t know. She’s just alw
ays seemed so sad, but she won’t admit it.”

  Sad. Jinx supposed that could be what lay beneath Andrea’s hard and angry exterior. She’d never thought of it that way. “Sad about what?”

  Tiffany was quiet for a moment. “I’m not sure. You, maybe.”

  Jinx blinked. “Me?”

  Tiffany nodded. Her expression grew serious. “Sometimes when we’ve talked about you…Well, to be honest, most of the time we’ve fought about you, but once in a while, she gets this look in her eyes. I think she misses you.”

  A short laugh escaped before Jinx could catch it. “Tiffany, I don’t think that’s what your mom feels about me. I’ve tried to see her, to talk to her, twice since I’ve been home. The first time she wouldn’t even let me in the house, and you saw what happened the second.”

  “You tried once before?”

  “When I first got home.”

  Tiffany hesitated. “She said you didn’t want to see us. That you’d made your choices and didn’t want anything to do with us.”

  Jinx’s throat tightened. “No, that isn’t…” She didn’t want to call Andrea a liar, but she couldn’t let Tiffany think that. “That isn’t the case. I wanted to see her, and meet you, very much. I even wrote to her a few times over the years, but she never answered.” Suddenly, Jinx wondered how much Tiffany really knew. “Do you know where I was all those years?” Here it was, that moment when everything could change in a heartbeat, when someone interested in her could instantly transform into a person who never wanted to see her again. She braced herself.

  “You were in prison,” Tiffany said matter-of-factly. “You robbed a bank and were sent to prison.”

  Jinx relaxed a little, grateful she wouldn’t have to tell the story so soon after doing so with E. J. “And before that, I was a drug addict, and I stole and lied. I think those are the reasons your mom’s mad at me and doesn’t want you to have anything to do with me.”

  “Are you still?” Tiffany asked.

  “What?”

  “Do you still take drugs? Are you a thief and a liar? Do you still rob banks or anything like that?”

  “No,” Jinx said, confident in the truth.

  “Okay then,” Tiffany said.

  Jinx couldn’t help but laugh. She found Tiffany refreshingly direct. “Okay then?”

  “Okay, then I’d like to get to know you.” Tiffany’s features settled into a determined expression. “Aunt Michelle, I’m an only child. I don’t have any other aunts or uncles or any cousins on Mom’s side, and on my dad’s, there’s only my cousin Harold. The last time I saw him, we were eight and he was eating paste. So I want to get to know you. And once we know each other, if we decide we don’t like one another, then okay, but I’d at least like the chance to decide. This isn’t my mother’s decision.”

  Jinx smiled, relieved to have that settled. “Sounds like a plan. You can go first, since you’re company.”

  Tiffany grinned. “Goodie.” She rubbed her hands together playfully, then thought for a few seconds. “What do you like to do for fun?”

  Jinx enjoyed Tiffany’s enthusiasm and was encouraged by her openness. “I like to read and watch movies,” she said, relaxing into the ordinariness of the conversation. “I love dogs and to get up early and watch the sunrise.” She once again pushed E. J. from her mind. “And take long bike rides. What about you?”

  “I love to cook. I like creating new dishes or putting my own spin on recipes I find.” A spark flashed in Tiffany’s eyes, those rich brown eyes so much like Andrea’s.

  Jinx remembered that same spark any time Andrea talked about painting. She wondered if she’d kept up with her art.

  “And I love to swim,” Tiffany continued. “I love the feel of water on my skin. And I like to read, too. Maybe we can talk about books sometime. If we like the same kind, that is.”

  That last comment seemed to suggest this wasn’t a one-time visit, that Tiffany wanted more. Excitement and hope stirred in Jinx like a bird opening its wings, but the memory of E. J.’s departure squelched it. Tiffany knew about Jinx’s past, had known about it before she ever made contact, but people changed their minds so quickly. And one never knew at what point someone might reach their limit. Jinx was reluctant to let herself get too optimistic about anything in the future. It was better to simply focus on now, and now, she was happy Tiffany was there. “That’d be nice. We’ll have to compare reading lists.” She offered a reserved smile.

  Jinx recognized her own distraction in Tiffany’s expression. They’d been talking, but it seemed each was preoccupied with her own thoughts. “Are you sure you want to do this, Tiffany? It’s all right if you’ve changed your mind.” She almost choked on her own disappointment and doubt.

  “I’m sure,” Tiffany said. “I just wish I didn’t have to hide it from Mom. I really thought if she saw you were open to contact, she might be more willing to…I don’t know. It just didn’t work out the way I wanted.”

  “I understand.” Jinx covered Tiffany’s hand with her own. “I’ve hoped that, too. I really think if I could get her to stay in the same room with me long enough to have a conversation, we could work things out. I mean, we used to be so close. If I could just explain things to her.”

  Tiffany’s eyes widened slightly. “You mean, you haven’t given up?”

  “I kind of had, until today.” Jinx squeezed Tiffany’s fingers. “Until you showed up. If you think there’s still a possibility, I’m willing to keep trying. I’ll just have to figure out a new approach.” In the back of her mind, she saw E. J.’s face frozen in a silent scream at the prospect of Jinx getting closer to the family Jacob married into. But what did it matter what E. J. thought? She was gone. Jinx knew, though, she would keep E. J.’s secret.

  “We’ll work on it together.” Tiffany smiled. “Let’s see, what else am I dying to know about you?” She tilted her head. “Is there a special man in your life?”

  “No.” Jinx watched her. “No man. I’m a lesbian.”

  “A special woman, then?” Tiffany asked without hesitation.

  Jinx pondered the question, or more accurately, the answer. The truth was that there was a special woman. She just wasn’t in Jinx’s life anymore. She was still in Jinx’s heart, however. Damn it! But that wasn’t what Tiffany had asked. And what would be the point of telling her about this wonderful woman she’d met and spent time with only to then have to say she wasn’t around any longer? “No,” Jinx said, glancing away. That was the truth. “What about you and your new husband? How do you like being married?” Nice segue to a new subject.

  A huge smile brightened Tiffany’s face. “I love it. Although, I have to admit, so far it’s consisted of traveling through Europe, staying at five-star hotels, and having romantic dinners and lots of sex. Who wouldn’t love that?” She laughed. “But seriously, I love Jacob so much.”

  Tiffany’s happiness was infectious. Jinx couldn’t help smiling as well. “I’m glad.” It felt odd talking about Jacob with someone other than E. J. Granted, she and E. J. hadn’t spoken about him a lot, but he was E. J.’s son, and Jinx knew how scared she was of him being anywhere near Jinx—even in this six-degrees-of-separation kind of way.

  Tiffany’s glow faded slightly. “That’s something I’m going to have to do, though.”

  Jinx arched an eyebrow in question.

  “Tell Jacob I came to see you.”

  “He doesn’t know?”

  Tiffany shook her head. “I wanted to find out if you and I had a chance at a relationship before I told him. He was a little upset with me for inviting you to the wedding without my mother’s knowledge.”

  “Oh. So he knows the whole story?”

  “He doesn’t care about that. He thinks I shouldn’t have done that to Mom. He says I blindsided her, and I suppose I did,” Tiffany brushed her bangs from her eyes. “He says he’d never do that to his mother.” She frowned.

  Jinx shifted uncomfortably. Maybe E. J. was right. Maybe all of this was too close
. She felt like she was sitting between two thin veils, with E. J. behind one and Jacob the other, so close, they were all breathing the same air. And yet, she was intrigued. This was a chance to hear about E. J.’s relationship with her son from a different perspective, perhaps from one that wasn’t skewed by fear and defenses. “Are he and his mother close?” she asked, trying to sound casual.

  “Not now,” Tiffany said. “She isn’t around much. Jacob says when she and his dad got divorced, she became much more career oriented, and that’s where she puts most of her time and energy. Even for our wedding, she couldn’t be here until the night before.”

  Jinx felt a twinge of guilt. Would E. J. have spent more time with Jacob and her family had she not met Jinx in the bar that night? “Does that upset him?”

  “He misses her, but he says he understands.” Tiffany looked at Jinx as if evaluating her. “She helped him through a really hard time when he was young. He says he wouldn’t have made it through without her. But then, when she and his dad got a divorce, she just sort of disappeared. I mean, they still text and talk, and sometimes she visits, but he says it’s not the same, that something is different.”

  Jinx listened, pondering E. J.’s fear of Jacob discovering her sexuality. Is that when it happened—when E. J. got a divorce? Is that when she started seeing women?

  “Mandy, Jacob’s sister, sees her a little more, but they still live in the same town.”

  Jacob’s sister? E. J. has a daughter? She’d never even mentioned a daughter. Now that Jinx thought about it, she never mentioned her son either, unless it was to freak out. Was E. J. that compartmentalized? Jinx had thought she was getting to know her, but now she wondered if she’d known her at all.

  “Oh, I’m so sorry.” Tiffany sighed. “I shouldn’t be boring you with all this. Why would you care about Jacob’s mother? It’s just, you’re really easy to talk to.”