Freeing

by E. K. Blair

  “Because today was the first day that Candace went back to work. I just wanted to have something to distract her when she gets home in case it didn’t go so well,” I tell Mark as he walks through the apartment. Candace has been at work all evening, and I have a feeling that what she was hoping for by getting out and going back to work is not what happened. I know she expects everything to go back to the way it was by going back to her normal routines. I tried talking to her about it last night, but she’s determined and completely shut me out.

  “When is she supposed to be getting off?” Mark asks, coming into the kitchen and leaning up against the counter as I finish chopping the tomatoes for the bruschetta.

  “A little after eleven.”

  “Can I help?”

  Looking at him, I smile and say, “Yeah, could you turn the heat down on the sauce and stir it?”

  I watch him as he walks over to the stove and fiddles with the knob. I laugh to myself because I can see that he isn’t comfortable in the kitchen.

  Adding the oil to the tomatoes and onions, I look over at Mark and ask, “Will you go turn up the music?”

  “Yeah, sure,” he says, and then comes back to the stove to stir the sauce again. I know he hasn’t a clue what the hell he is supposed to be doing, but I find it sweet that he’s trying to be helpful. I come up behind him and start nipping along his neck. When he turns in my arms, he looks over my shoulder and says, “Hey!”

  I turn to see Candace standing in the middle of the living room and the look on her face tells me everything that I feared. She looks upset and starts walking to my bedroom. Leaning my hands against the counter, Mark slides his hand over my shoulder and says, “I’ll go talk to her.”

  I want to say something, but it’s taking everything in me to keep myself in check. I hate seeing that look on her face. She tries to be so strong, and I could see that she was fighting hard not to cry.

  I nod my head and Mark kisses the center of my neck before heading back to my room, and I try to keep myself busy by finishing up dinner.

  They are back there for quite a while, but when they return, Candace is smiling. I walk straight to her and bring her in for a hug before kissing her. “Hey, sweetie. How was work?”

  “Weird at first, but it wound up being a busy night, which was good,” she says as she picks out a bottle of wine and starts to open it.

  I quickly slice up the baguette and set it on the bar with the bruschetta. Candace and Mark sit and eat while talking. It’s great that they have become friends. It makes me feel more content, knowing that Candace has him to lean on as well as me.

  “Hey, didn’t your band have a show last night?” Candace asks Mark.

  “Yeah, we played at Blur. It was a great gig; the place was packed.”

  “I’ve never been there before.”

  Looking over at her, I tease, “Candace, you haven’t been anywhere.” She scrunches her face at me, which causes me to laugh. “You should really hear them play sometime. You’d like their sound.”

  There’s a knock at the door, and Mark hops off the barstool to go answer it. I rush to Candace’s side when I see Kimber walk in. Crap. Both Candace and I have been avoiding her calls and texts, and she looks pissed.

  “What the hell is going on?” she barks. Fuck, she’s mad. “You two have been avoiding me all week, and I have no clue what I did to piss you guys off!”

  “We’re not pissed at you,” I try and convince her. I know she doesn’t believe me, so I try to cover for Candace because I know she’s freaking out by the shock on her face. “Candace just wanted a little time away, that’s all.”

  “From me? I’m supposed to be your best friend!” she says, looking at Candace. “Why won’t you talk to me?” she demands.

  “I’m sorry,” Candace says, and Mark walks back into the kitchen. Candace looks scared as shit, and I would say just about anything to get Kimber to leave her alone, but when Candace sits on the couch, she starts talking. “Jack and I got into an argument at the party. I was upset, he was drunk, so I called Jase to come pick me up.”

  I help her out by adding, “I suggested she stay here in case he showed up at your house. That’s all.”

  “So why couldn’t you just call me and tell me?”

  “I didn’t want you getting involved. You can sometimes overreact, and I just wanted everything to die down without any drama. It’s no big deal, and I haven’t heard from him. It’s over, so can we just drop it?” Candace says, and when I look down at her hands, I see that she’s shaking.

  “Bullshit!” Kimber snaps and starts walking out.

  “Kimber, wait. Please don’t be mad at me. I’m coming back home this week. It’s not a big deal, please don’t make it into one.”

  She walks up to Candace, and I am back at her side, holding her hand when Kimber says, “You’re the one who made it such a big deal when you decided to avoid me all week. We have always been honest with each other, but if you really want me to believe your story, then fine. I believe you.”

  Candace drops back down to the couch when the door slams shut and begins to cry.

  “I don’t know what to do.” She looks up at me and pleads, “What do I do?”

  Sitting down next to her, she falls into my arms and cries. Mark comes in and sits opposite her and rubs her back, trying to calm her down.

  “She’s so mad at me. She’s never been mad at me.”

  “Just give her some time,” I tell her. “We’ve both been avoiding her, so you can’t blame her for being upset.”

  “It’s all my fault.”

  “It’s not your fault, Candace,” Mark assures her, and I listen as he continues. “It’s just the shit situation you were dealt, but it’s not your fault. You can’t blame yourself for this, for any of this.”

  She pulls back from me and turns to face Mark.

  “What do I do?” she asks him.

  Wiping his thumbs across her cheeks, he tells her, “You do whatever you need to do to get through the day. You do what you need to do to protect yourself. That’s all you can do.”

  “Even if it hurts her?”

  “I don’t think you can do anything else, sweetheart, when you’re trying so hard to just hang on.”

  Hearing them talk, hearing his words to her . . . it’s near perfect.

  I’m supposed to take her back home tomorrow morning before her classes, but I can’t have her leave with Kimber so mad. “I want you to stay,” I tell her.

  She leans back on the couch, Mark and I on either side of her. “I can’t stay.”

  “You can. Give Kimber a few days to cool down at least.”

  “But I feel like I’m just interfering with you guys.”

  Letting out a sigh of irritation, I tell her, “You’re not. I already told you this the other day.”

  She turns to look at Mark and eyes him for his input.

  “Jase is right. You should give her a little time to calm down.”

  You home?

  Yeah. AutoCAD is going to be the death of my laptop.

  I’ve been trying to get some work done on my project while Candace is in class. It’s her first day back, and I’ve been worried about her all day. My phone chimes again with another text from Mark.

  Mind if I stop by?

  Never.

  Mark and I haven’t spent a whole lot of time together, just being alone, so I shut down my computer and pour a cup of coffee. I don’t have to wait very long before he gets here.

  “Hey, what have you been up to?” he says as he walks up to me and gives me a hug.

  I pull him in for a quick kiss before I respond. “Just trying to get some work done, but my computer is running slow as shit today.”

  Mark seems a bit distracted as he nods and takes a seat on the couch. I walk over and sit next to him when he says, “Can we talk for a second?”

  “Yeah, what’s up?”

  Shifting to face me he asks, “Have you heard from Candace today?”

&n
bsp; “No. She has her two-hour studio today and a lecture. But she should be back soon.”

  “You worried?”

  “Always,” I say as I kick my feet up on the coffee table and lean back into the couch. I watch Mark, and I can tell he wants to say something, and now I’m not worrying about Candace so much. “What’s up with you?” I ask him and when he looks at me, I can definitely tell he’s nervous.

  “Look, I know you love Candace, and I need you to know that I do too. She’s amazing. But I think her staying here is hurting her more than it’s helping.”

  I let out a deep breath and look straight forward as he continues. “I think her going back home will help her. She’s so dependent on you right now, and I worry that she’s going to fall into a rut.”

  I turn back to him and defend, “She has really bad nights.”

  “I know this isn’t easy on you. I get it. And I know you want her here, but I think her standing on her own will maybe force her to deal with this more.”

  What he’s saying makes sense. Of course I want her here. All I want to do is protect her. Looking down at the cup of coffee, I nod my head, and Mark takes it from my hands and sets it on the table.

  “You two are so close, and I understand why, but I think her going back home might be the best thing you can do for her.” He takes my hand in his and says, “You can’t keep her here forever, you know?”

  But I want to.

  Mark and I both turn around when the door opens and we see Candace walking in. She quickly glances our way while walking straight to the bathroom. I look at Mark and sigh when I hear her turn on the shower.

  “You know her better than I do. I just wanted to be honest with you and tell you my thoughts.” Mark looks down and shakes his head before looking back up. “I’m sorry if I—”

  Cutting him off, I tell him, “Don’t be sorry. It’s fine. And maybe you’re right. I just feel helpless, and I don’t know what else to do.”

  He lies back next to me and we just sit there. Mark is right; I can’t hide her away forever. She has to be able to deal with this on her own, but I hate the thought of not being there for her because I know that right now, she’s crying in the shower. I could see it all over her face when she walked through the door. Guilt is a bitch, and it’s consuming me as I sit here with Mark.

  I look over at him with defeat written all over my face. He reaches out and runs his hand down my neck before I just can’t take it anymore. I hop off the couch and walk into the bathroom.

  Sure enough, she’s sitting in the corner of the shower with her head in her hands. I open the door and shut off the water, handing her a towel. When she looks up at me with bloodshot eyes, I reach for her hand and help her up. Wrapping the towel around her, we walk into my bedroom.

  “Talk to me, sweetie.”

  She heads over to the closet and tells me, “Give me a second and I’ll come out, okay?”

  “Okay.”

  When I return to Mark, he stands up and places his hands on either side of my face. “She will be okay,” he tries to assure me, and all I can do is nod.

  When she comes out into the living room she scrunches in between the two of us.

  “What happened?” I ask as I lace my fingers with hers.

  “Nothing happened. I just . . . I didn’t think I’d be so scared.”

  “Scared of what?”

  She looks at me with tears rimming her eyes and says, “Of him.”

  When I shake my head, she continues, “What if I see him? I was so paranoid all day. I kept thinking I would turn a corner and he would be there. It was awful.”

  “Have you ever seen him on campus before?” Mark questions, and she shakes her head. “Do you want me to try and meet you when your classes get out so you don’t have to walk across campus alone?”

  I snap my head to look at Mark when he says this. I can’t believe how genuine this guy is. Even though I don’t want Candace to leave, I know that Mark’s heart is in the right place with what he said to me. He’s probably seeing things more clearly than I am. But before I can even mention anything, she says, “I’ll be fine. I just need to keep going about my days like I used to.” Looking up at me, she asks, “Can you come home with me on Wednesday. I don’t want to go alone in case Kimber is there.”

  “What?”

  “I need to go back home. I just want you to come with me.”

  I’m caught off guard when she says this, and when I look across at Mark, he gives me an encouraging nod.

  “Yeah, of course. But—”

  “Jase. I’ll be fine.”

  I don’t believe her lie for one second, but I don’t say anything because I know she doesn’t want me to. Nothing about this feels good to me.

  I grab Candace’s bags and follow her down to the parking garage. I hate that she’s going home. I hate this feeling in the pit of my stomach. I just hate this whole situation. She tried convincing me that she would be okay when we woke up this morning. She finally got her sleeping pills and the past two nights she’s been getting more rest. She still wakes throughout the night, but she hasn’t had a nightmare. I still worry though; I can’t help it.

  “I’ll follow you,” I tell her as I toss her bags in her trunk.

  “Okay.”

  When we drive up to her house, Kimber’s car is gone. Candace has been uneasy about seeing her again, and I don’t blame her.

  When I get out of my car, I get her bags and carry them in for her.

  “Are you sure everything is all right?” I ask as I start helping her unpack.

  “Yeah, Jase. I can’t stay with you forever, and you and Mark don’t need me around all of the time.”

  It upsets me that she feels this way, but I can also tell that Mark has been feeling the same thing as well. We barely get to spend any alone time together and I know it bothers him, but he would never come out and say anything. He’s too nice.

  I watch Candace, and I know she’s upset. The thought of her sleeping alone tonight bothers me, but Mark is right, this is probably the best thing for her, so I need to put my feelings aside and just let her be.

  “What time do you get off work tonight? Do you want me to meet you afterward?” I ask.

  “I close tonight, so I’ll leave around eleven, but you don’t have to meet me there. I’m working with Roxy, so I won’t be alone.”

  She grabs her laundry basket and starts heading toward the laundry room as I follow. When we walk into the living room, I pick up my backpack and Candace walks me to the door.

  “Thank you,” she says, and I turn to face her.

  “For what?”

  “Everything.” When her brows pinch together, I know she is trying not to cry.

  “Sweetie, I feel like I haven’t done nearly enough.”

  I know she doesn’t like to talk when she gets like this, so she shakes her head and the tears spill over. I pull her into me and brace my arms tightly around her, combing my fingers through her hair until she settles down.

  “You keep the key to my place, okay? Come over anytime you need, even if it’s the middle of the night.”

  Nodding her head, she finally speaks. “I love you.”

  “I love you too. Text me tonight when you get home.”

  “Okay,” she says, and I give her a kiss before turning to walk to my car.

  I told Mark I would come over to his place after I dropped Candace off, so I start driving that way. I take this time to relieve myself of everything I have been keeping bottled up this past week. The tears come effortlessly. The pain that I feel for Candace is unreal. I want to turn my car around and go pick her up. I feel guilty that I’m going to spend my day with Mark and not her.

  Turning into his driveway, I wipe the tears with the back of my hand before getting out of the car. I know I look like shit, and I know Mark will be able to tell how upset I am, but for once, I don’t let it bother me. The way he has been there for me and for Candace this past week has revealed a side of him that I fin
d myself falling for.

  As I walk to his front door, I know I am walking towards a person who has proven to be dependable for me. So when I knock and he answers, I don’t hide my pain. It’s written all over me.

  He wraps his arms around me, and I finally let my walls down and cry. He pulls me inside, and I grab onto him as I let out everything I’ve been keeping in. Mark doesn’t say a word; he just holds me tight and allows me to accept the comfort that only he can give me. I can’t do this with Candace because I need to be her anchor, but I’ve finally found a person that I can do this with. I’m finally allowing myself to be open enough to have this release, and to have it with Mark is more than what I deserve.

  Shifting back from me, he braces his hands on the sides of my face and looks into my eyes. I don’t hide from him. I don’t want to. He leans in and presses his lips onto mine. This kiss is different. I feel like I need it. Like I couldn’t breathe without it. So I don’t move as we linger in this moment for a little longer.

  We finally drag our lips from each other, and I rest my forehead against his as I take in a deep breath. Mark holds my hand and walks me over to the couch to sit down. Leaning back in his arms, I say, “Sorry.”

  “Don’t be.”

  “I just don’t know what to do,” I admit.

  “You’re doing everything you can do, babe. Was she okay when you left?”

  “She was crying. I hate seeing her like that. She never used to cry. Ever. And now, it’s all she seems to do.”

  Mark tightens his grip around me, and when he does, I feel a need for closeness consume me, so I decide to talk for a while. “She’s just broken, and I don’t know how to fix her. And now I feel guilty that I’m here with you and not there with her. But at the same time, I feel like an ass because I want to be here with you . . . alone. I know you want to have time with me, and I want to give you that, but I’m torn in a way, and no matter what, I feel guilty.”

  “Jase, you’re not doing anything wrong, and neither Candace nor I feel that you are. That’s only in your head.” He takes a moment before he continues. “And yes, of course I want time alone with you. But I need you to want that too. Same page, right?”