Hold Her Down

by Kathryn R. Biel

  Jack shifted. "I'm not a psychiatrist, and I don't even play one on TV, so I can't say if you had a nervous breakdown, but I'm pretty sure you were in shock." He paused. "Did you ever talk to a doctor about it?"

  Elizabeth met his gaze, shaking her head. "No, I was too embarrassed. How do you tell someone all that? Hell, if I hadn't been freezing to death, I probably wouldn't have even admitted it to you."

  "You always were a little on the stubborn side."

  "Sometimes I still am—" she trailed off, swatting at a mosquito who was buzzing her hair. Her hand knocked the hair clip, loosening it a bit. Elizabeth hated the feeling of a loose hair clip, and with a fluid motion, pulled it out, her chestnut hair falling on her shoulders and down her back like a silk curtain.

  Jack shifted suddenly, leaning forwards. "Your hair—"

  Elizabeth immediately started gathering it up behind her head, preparing to put it up again.

  "No, leave it down."

  His words were strong, almost with a sense of urgency. She couldn't help but let her hair fall down. The ends of her hair brushing her bare skin made her feel sultry and sexy. She could almost feel it radiating from her. She put her hands on the table, now fidgeting with her hair clip. He put his hand on hers to still it. Slowly, she met his gaze.

  "I'm glad you listened to me."

  With a wrinkled brow, she asked, "What do you mean?"

  "Your hair. You let it grow out. And you're closer to the color you used to have in high school. It looks better this way."

  She didn't want to let on, but she really didn't know what he was talking about. She stared at his face for a moment, searching her brain. His blue eyes were intense and probing. She felt bared before him, but was unsure of why.

  "I mean, not that it looked bad before, well, but frankly, it did."

  "Gee, thanks. You certainly have a way with words."

  He smiled, his eyes going all crinkly. "You know what I mean. You look good. Healthy. And really ho— I mean, you look very beautiful tonight."

  "See what I can do when I haven't just tried to end my life?" She attempted to be glib, but it fell flat. She extracted her hands from under his. Silence hung between them, charged with all the things neither one could say. Finally, she began again, "So—" and then she broke off. Elizabeth, for the life of her, could not think of what to say next.

  "Are you mad at me?"

  "Why do you keep asking me that? You're fine. I'm still a work in progress, but I'm trying to get there. How can I be mad at you?"

  Relief washed Jack's face. "So, we're good then?"

  "Yeah, I guess." Elizabeth shrugged. "I'd better go check on my friend. She was hitting the booze pretty hard, and she's my ride home. I don't want her to forget about me."

  They stood up and as Jack helped with her chair, he said softly into her hair, "I've never been able to forget about you."

  Elizabeth turned around to face Jack, and was shocked at their close proximity. His hands were still on the back of her chair. She clasped her hands behind her back, as if trying to restrain herself. Everything went out of Elizabeth's mind, and it was all she could do to keep the small distance that there was. Her lips were suddenly dry, and she licked them. "You'll never know what that means to me, truly."

  She held his gaze for a moment before she ducked her head, and turned away, glad the darkness of the night was hiding her flushed face. They walked around the side of the house, with Jack just a step or so behind Elizabeth. Coming around the side of the house, Elizabeth nearly ran into Kristy Spurns, the queen gossipmonger herself, and her husband. Elizabeth stopped short, and Jack ran into the back of her, stopping himself, by putting his arms around Elizabeth's waist. Her hands shot down to steady him, and then pulled back quickly as she saw Kristy looking from Elizabeth to Jack and back again.

  "Kristy, have you seen Julia? Last time I saw her, she was looking a little rough."

  Kristy's eyes grew wide as she looked back and forth between Elizabeth and Jack. "Julia and Mitch left. A while ago."

  Elizabeth couldn't prevent her shoulders from slumping. "Oh crap, she was my ride home." She closed her eyes and shook her head.

  "So you didn't see? Where have you been? What have you been up to?"

  "See? See what? What happened? Is Julia okay?"

  Kristy laughed. It was bitter and shrill, and mean. "She was totally plastered. She threw up in a centerpiece."

  Elizabeth's hand flew to her mouth. "Oh my God. Poor Julia. Poor Mitch. Poor me. I don't know how I'm going to get home."

  Kristy smirked, "Why don't you call your husband? He's not here, is he?" She made an act out of looking around, never breaking eye contact with Jack.

  "Peter's out of town. I guess I'll call a cab. I need to get home to the sitter."

  Kristy smirked again and turned to saunter off. "Good luck with that."

  Elizabeth just stood there for a minute. "Poor Julia. She's going to be the laughing stock of town tomorrow morning."

  "Julia is an adult. She should know how to hold her liquor at this point."

  "See what I mean about the mean moms?" Suddenly, it hit Elizabeth. "We talked a lot that weekend. About how much I was struggling here. How I couldn't fit in here, any more than I did in high school."

  They were facing each other again. "Yes, we did talk a lot."

  "And you really took care of me."

  "You could say that. Is your memory that spotted from that weekend?"

  "It's so dominated by feelings that I'm not sure about events. I don't know what was real. I do know that when I left, I felt ashamed that I had tried to kill myself, because you made me realize that my life was worth something. I just felt so ashamed, I set about making myself better every single day. Every day, I've tried to be a person who lives a life that is worth living. I'm not always successful, but I'm always trying."

  "Come on, I'll drive you home. I just need to say a quick goodbye to Nancy."

  They walked side-by-side, in silence. Nancy was looking bored, standing next to Archie and a bunch of suits who had to be the colleagues for which this shindig was being held.

  Nancy looked surprised to see Elizabeth and Jack standing side by side. Archie looked a little drunk, and his irritation showed through. Jack spoke, "Elizabeth's ride seems to have left a bit early." Her name sounded foreign on his tongue, like it was hard for him to pronounce. "I'm going to give her a lift home."

  Nancy tried to cover her surprise. "Oh yes, of course. Mitch couldn't find you Elizabeth, but he kind of had his hands full. I cannot believe she was so irresponsible as to get that inebriated and to leave you as well."

  Elizabeth was embarrassed for her friend. "I'm sure Mitch'll let Julia have it in the morning. She's going to feel horrible enough, I'm sure. I don't need to add any more guilt."

  Nancy recovered quickly, wanting to respect Elizabeth's poise. "Yes, of course. But how did you two ..." She trailed off, looking between Elizabeth and Jack.

  Jack jumped in, "I nearly plowed her over coming out of the bathroom. We got to talking, and I'm guessing that's why she missed her ride home. This is the least I can do to make it up to her." Jack leaned in and kissed Nancy on the cheek. She stubbornly stuck her chin up in the air. He then nodded to Archie. "Archie." Archie barely grunted back at him, taking another long drink of his scotch.

  They turned around and Jack put his hand on the small of Elizabeth's back, steadying her before she traversed the manicured lawn and steering her towards the side driveway. "C'mon Elizabeth, my car is this way."

  As they passed a few people standing and drinking, Elizabeth finally said, "When we're alone, you can still call me Liza, you know."

  She was so caught up in Jack's strong gaze and his warm hand on her bare back that she barely heard the breaking of glass behind her.

  CHAPTER TWELVE: June 16, 2012

  They were silent for the ride home, save Elizabeth's quiet directions. "Turn here." "Next left." "Bear right." She didn't trust herself to say anyth
ing more. The tension in the car was palpable.

  When they finally pulled into her driveway, Elizabeth couldn't bring herself to open the door. She just sat there, feeling the supple leather under her bare thighs. She crossed her legs nervously, and turned towards Jack. He was leaning back in his seat, a grave expression on his face, staring straight ahead.

  Softly, Elizabeth said, "Thanks for bringing me home. I owe you, yet again."

  "You don't owe me anything."

  She touched his arm, and he turned to look at her. "How can you say that? I owe you my life."

  "You got up and walked all by yourself. I just warmed you up."

  Elizabeth swallowed hard. The velvet tone of his voice made her uncomfortable. Actually, she was not truly uncomfortable. She was as turned on as hell, and she was afraid of what she would do. And that thought made her uncomfortable.

  "I need to go inside." She started to get out of the BMW.

  "Wait!"

  Elizabeth turned and leaned back into the open door. She waited for him to continue. "Can I see you again?"

  Her heart dropped into her stomach. Oh how she wanted to be able to say yes. "You know I can't, not like you mean."

  "I know, I know you're right. I just wish it wasn't so."

  "Jack, you pulled me out of the ice, and held me until my soul thawed. You listened to me and gave me some advice. Some of which, apparently, was even good. About my hair at least," she paused, smiling. She shook her head so that her hair cascaded down next to her face. He returned her grin. "I will never be able to repay you for that time. I will always owe you."

  "You cannot honestly think you still owe me anything?"

  "Of course I do. I always will. I'd like to at least be your friend, but I'm not sure that will work, will it?"

  "No, probably not."

  "Maybe I'll see you at Archie's next business thing?" she offered.

  "Why then?"

  "Don't you work with Archie?"

  "Um, no." He seemed perplexed.

  "Why were you there then?"

  "Nancy invited me."

  "Oh, okay. You know, it's a shame that we can't be friends. I'd like to be able to catch up with you someday, and hear about your life for a change. You know, you're career and life and son, and such."

  Jack rested his head back. He stared blankly ahead. Elizabeth was getting uneasy. She started shifting away. "Goodbye then Jack. And thanks, again."

  "Goodbye Liza. And please don't thank me. You don't mean it."

  And with that, he started to put the car into reverse. Elizabeth had no choice but to shut the car door and back away to avoid being run over. She walked up the driveway, thankful that the motion detector light above the garage door illuminated her way. Somehow, seeing Jack again left her feeling more in the dark than ever.

  She walked into the house, paid Isabella, and bid her goodnight. She removed her shoes and carried them up to her room. She removed her dress, and threw it on her chair. She freed her breasts from the strapless bra, which had grown uncomfortable as her breasts had grown heavy with arousal. She opened a drawer and pulled out one of Peter's t-shirts, yanking it on over her head. She hoped that her sleep would not be plagued by the impure thoughts that were currently running through her mind.

  Sunday morning dawned early, it seemed. Elizabeth was tired, and although she had not drunk that much, she could not help but feeling a smidge hung over. She wondered how Julia was making out. Probably much, much worse. Luckily, with the school calendar winding down, today was a free day, which meant Elizabeth could be lazy with the kids. After much begging, and the promise of a new app for the iPad, Teddy brought Elizabeth her coffee in bed, and then got his sister and himself bowls of cereal for breakfast while they watched cartoons.

  Elizabeth took the time to cruise around on the Internet and play some games on Facebook. She read through status updates. Kristy's status puzzled her. "HOLY SHIT!!! IT'S ALWAYS THE QUIET ONES!" Elizabeth wondered what she meant by this. The comments underneath got even nastier. "Poor Nancy! How could she?" Kristy responded, "Obviously she's devastated. But I caught her red handed." Someone else wrote, "I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen it myself! I was so shocked, I dropped my glass and broke it." Kristy again, "I don't know how she'll ever show her face again!" She guessed it was in reference to Julia. Poor Julia. She had pretty much committed social suicide.

  Elizabeth wanted to call Julia to check on her, but she had to get to the market first. She had promised to bring popsicles in for Teddy's class tomorrow. Cherry Road had a strict health food only policy, so no bomb pops here. Instead, Elizabeth had combed Pinterest to find a "healthy" and gluten-free red, white and blue popsicle recipe. The only problem was it called for refrigerated coconut milk. It was supposed to be refrigerated for at least twelve hours before you whipped it up to make the white portion. Elizabeth calculated that if she was home from the market by ten-ish, she could freeze the coconut milk for six hours, putting her at four o'clock in the afternoon. Then, the popsicles had to be assembled, freeze for three more hours, and then the sticks put in. Elizabeth sighed. Her whole damn day would be consumed by making these stupid things.

  With much cajoling to get dressed, and then a trip through the Dunkin' Donuts drive-thru, Elizabeth finally landed at Super Shop 'n More with the two kids in tow. She hurriedly pushed the cart up and down the aisles, looking for the ingredients for the popsicles, as well as for a few other staples she needed for the house. She really hated this grocery store, much preferring the other chain in town. But she felt obligated to shop here because of Nancy. She knew that if she set foot in the other store, it would get reported back to Nancy, and Nancy would look down on her. And it seemed, every time Elizabeth went to the market, she ran into someone she knew. She had pulled her hair back into a ponytail, and put minimal make-up on. Her cobalt blue tank top and black shorts were nothing remarkable, but were at least not the dumpy, drab and dilapidated clothes she used to wear.

  Going up and down the aisles, dodging first one child, then another as they walked in front of her, Elizabeth spotted Nicole Bovee. She waved and smiled, but Nicole must not have seen her, as she turned around without reciprocating the greeting. Elizabeth shrugged it off, and continued the hunt for the coconut milk, finally locating it in the Hispanic foods section. Out of curiosity, Elizabeth cruised by the frozen foods. The name brand bomb pops were $3.49 for a package of twelve. The store brand was only $2.99, on sale with the savings card for $1.99. She was spending at least twenty dollars on the ingredients for the "healthy" ones, not including the popsicle sticks she would need to go out later and buy. That didn't account for all her time and effort, either. Sometimes, she hated the community. Out of spite, or maybe defiance, she grabbed a box of the generic bomb pops and tossed them in the cart for Teddy and Sydney. They should have some unhealthy memories of childhood.

  When Elizabeth got home from the market, she texted Julia to check in on her. She put her phone aside, and tackled some cleaning and laundry she had been avoiding. Mid-afternoon, she again loaded the kids up in the car, and drove to the craft store in search of popsicle sticks. Sydney, of course, begged for first one craft item, and then another. Knowing that summer vacation was soon approaching, Elizabeth conceded, and stocked up on some relatively low-mess crafting supplies. Being a pre-school teacher, Elizabeth knew she should love crafts, but she secretly loathed them. Frankly, to her, it was just another mess to clean up. But, if it kept Sydney occupied, then maybe, just maybe, the mess would be worth it. Elizabeth drew the line at glitter and compromised with some activities that could be done outside.

  Once home again, Elizabeth set about making the berry sauce for the popsicles. First with blueberries, then with the strawberries. She was impatient, as usual, when working on an inane food project, and burnt her hand. Cursing, she stuck her right hand under the cold water. At that moment, her phone rang and she struggled to extract and answer it with her left hand. It was Agnes.

  "Since yo
u're alone again, why don't you bring the kids over here for dinner tonight? Your father is trying a new pork chop recipe."

  Elizabeth, although not looking forward to loading up the kids yet again, had a personal motto to be grateful for any meal she did not have to cook. "Sure. Sounds great. What time?"

  "Five-thirty."

  Elizabeth looked at the clock. It was 4:45 now. That gave her a half-hour to assemble her pops. It would be tight, but she thought she could do it. "Okay, I've got to get some stuff done before. See you then."

  Agnes had disconnected before Elizabeth could even say goodbye. Elizabeth shut off the faucet, dried her hands, and began spooning the blueberries into the molds. Within the half hour, twenty-four popsicles were layered with blueberries, whipped frozen coconut milk and strawberries. She popped them in the freezer and went to round up the kids. As she herded them out to the van, she checked her phone. Julia had never responded. Weird. She was usually very prompt with her replies. Elizabeth hoped she was all right.

  As she got into the van, Elizabeth connected her Bluetooth headset and called Julia. It went to voice-mail. Elizabeth wanted Julia to know she was not upset about being left at the party. She decided to leave a message, although she usually didn't. "Hey Julia, it's Elizabeth. Just calling to check on you, see how you were doing today. I ran into a friend from high school, and he brought me home, so all is good. Hope you're all right. Call me when you get a chance."

  Elizabeth wanted Julia to know that not only was she not upset about being left; but also that she would stand by her while the others gossiped. She didn't really care that Julia had made an ass out of herself. Of course, she felt badly for her friend, but it wouldn't affect their friendship in any way. Elizabeth was above all that pettiness.

  Dinner at her parents was tolerable, and it kept Elizabeth busy, which was good. The kids always tended to get a little wound up around 6 p.m., and Agnes kept them in line. She got home and had to run the kids through the shower. Luckily, Teddy was pretty much independent in showering, so it was just Sydney who needed help these days. Elizabeth finished folding some laundry and moved one last batch from the washer to the dryer. Those clothes would probably sit in the dryer all week. After reading with the kids, watching a little TV with them, and then tucking them both into bed (multiple times, of course), Elizabeth had to head downstairs to finish cleaning the kitchen. She put the sticks in the popsicles, and took a moment to admire how they were setting up (and that they actually looked like the picture on Pinterest).