Hold Her Down

by Kathryn R. Biel

  "Um, Elizabeth, this sounds pretty much like the book, you know."

  "I know. This is why I'm so upset. He put me in the shower to warm me up. I took the longest shower I had had since Teddy was born. I figured out who Jack was while I was in the shower. I stayed in there until the hot water ran out. He gave me warm clothes. They were his, and he had put them in the dryer to warm them up. He made me hot chocolate. We started talking. He was being nicer to me than anyone, especially Peter, had been in a while. Or ever, now that I think about it. We talked a lot about what was going on in my life. He said he was shocked at how thin and unhealthy I looked. Dull, he said. That I had lost all my vibrancy. He said I used to be beautiful and full of life, and now I looked like an empty shell of that. An empty shell in ugly clothes." Elizabeth remembered more as she was telling the story. The details were coming back, sharpening in focus. She hadn't been able to recall some of the specifics of their conversation until now. "We talked for hours. We talked a lot about the sort-of suicide attempt. He gave me whiskey to drink. A lot of it, I think. I fell asleep in front of the fire, and slept for, like, twelve hours."

  "So, the first night, there was no 'I'm going to teach you how to live a better life. All you have to do is obey me' scenario going on?"

  "No! Not at all. I've never done anything like that in my life."

  "According to this guy, you've done it a lot."

  "But I haven't."

  "But he did undress you?"

  Elizabeth knew she should be embarrassed by it, but in that moment, it was life and death. She nodded. "My hands were so cold, I couldn't move my fingers."

  "So that's how he saw your body. To know about your scars and stretch marks. Or is that fiction?"

  "Unfortunately, the stretch marks and sagging breasts and belly are non-fiction."

  "So, that's really what you look like naked, then?"

  Elizabeth nodded, "Plus, what makes this about a million times worse is that he used to be married to Nancy Beemer."

  "As in Archie Beemer-Super Save n' More-Nancy Beemer?"

  "The same. I guess he asked her all kinds of questions and made her give him access to her Facebook account. She thought the book was going to be about her. Everyone at school knew about it."

  "Oh my God, I wasn't even thinking about the school stuff!"

  "I haven’t read that far, but I've heard a little about it."

  "You have to read it. Now." Susan picked up the book and thrust it into Elizabeth's hands, not taking no for an answer.

  Elizabeth curled up on the couch and drained her beer as she continued to read. A plate of pizza appeared before her, and she nibbled on a slice, not having much of an appetite. At one point, Elizabeth was taking a bite when it occurred to her that the pizza must have come from somewhere and that meant either Susan had gone out or Jayne was home. She looked around, and saw Jayne was sitting in the easy chair that Susan had used earlier. Elizabeth smiled weakly and gave Jayne a small nod. She went back to reading.

  Every page, every paragraph exposed Elizabeth. Her clothing and appearance was described in great detail. Lost in his words, it took Elizabeth a moment to realize something. It gave her the chills. She looked up and found herself in the room alone. She got up, carrying the book in her hand, and found Susan and Jayne watching TV in the den.

  "Can I use the computer? I need to check my Facebook."

  "Yeah, sure."

  "Are you sure you want to do that?" Jayne interjected.

  Elizabeth nodded. "I need to see something."

  "I don't think you should." Jayne cautioned.

  "Why shouldn't she?" Susan demanded.

  Jayne addressed Susan. "When you told me what was going on, I looked at Elizabeth's page. Some of the people from town have not been kind."

  Elizabeth sank down on a nearby chair.

  "How bad?" Susan asked.

  "Pretty bad. Like coming-out-of-the-closet-in-a-catholic-high-school bad."

  Elizabeth sat there for a minute. What was she going to do? "Well, I really need to see something. I'll try not to read them and then I'll close my account."

  Jayne nodded, and gave Elizabeth a small smile to show her support.

  Susan handed over her laptop, and Elizabeth logged in. Despite Jayne's warning, she was not prepared for what she saw. Women from school, ones who Elizabeth had thought were nice.

  "Whore."

  "You will burn in hell."

  "Consider moving and running your business out of another closet, hooker."

  "Who was watching your children while you were f$#% ing everyone in sight?"

  Elizabeth quickly opened up her photo album files, trying not to let those words burn into her brain. She opened up the album from the talent show this past winter. There were pictures of Teddy and Sydney, both on stage and off. There were a few pictures of Elizabeth with the kids. Peter was always so good about taking her picture with the kids. She was wearing a fuchsia silk-knit wrapped sweater and a long black skirt. In one full-length picture, you could see she was wearing black boots, and a glimpse of a black bra strap peeked out on her shoulder. Her hair had grown out, and was in a low ponytail. She had worn a chunky silver necklace that had a thick mother-of-pearl pendant. It had been a new outfit, and she had felt spectacular in it that evening.

  Elizabeth opened the book. It was the scene in the theater closet.

  Her children were not due to perform for ten more numbers. She didn't know how she would fight her boredom. Suddenly, her phone buzzed, indicating a text message. It said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

  She quickly uncrossed and re-crossed her legs. The air hitting her exposed parts titillated her. She texted back, "Of course."

  The return text, "Boots and nothing else?"

  "Yes, sir," was her response.

  The next text was his direction. "Theater closet, 2 min."

  Nellie leaned over and whispered to Terry. "My stomach is not feeling that great. I need to go use the restroom. I'll be back before the kids go on."

  And with that, she slid out of her seat, grateful she had picked the aisle seat. While Ben had not communicated specifics with her before, she had a feeling he would want to see her tonight. It was risky, which made it all the more exciting for the both of them. Nellie made her way out and walked the long way around, approaching the closet from the opposite direction. When she was sure no one was looking, she slowly opened the door.

  Before she knew what was happening, she was grabbed from behind and pushed over a steamer trunk. He yanked on her ponytail, forcing her head back. The force knocked her necklace off. She watched the silver fall down, and the mother-of-pearl shatter as it hit the floor. Her long black skirt was lifted, and she felt a hand reach around and open her fuchsia sweater and reach inside her black bra.

  It went on to describe some fairly explicit acts. But it was the description of the outfit that got Elizabeth. Other scenes were the same. Like the one at the soccer field. Her hair was longer and now had bangs. She was wearing slim-fitted ankle-length jeans that were distressed and looked somewhat torn. Her shirt was a kelly-green tunic with interesting pleats and twists. The book contained a description of the same outfit.

  "I know why he wanted access to Nancy's Facebook account."

  "Why? I thought that was weird, if he wasn't writing about her."

  Elizabeth handed Susan the book, open to the theater closet scene. "Read this."

  "I already have."

  "No, read it again. Carefully."

  After a few minutes, Susan handed the book to Jayne. Jayne was a much faster reader. When Jayne was finished she looked at Elizabeth. Elizabeth turned the computer around and showed them her pictures. "These are my pictures from the talent show last year. Peter took them."

  "Holy hell." From Jayne.

  "He—was—spying on you?" Susan stammered.

  "Apparently. He did his research by gaining access to everything I posted on Facebook through Nancy."

  "This fucks you
over even more."

  "Jayne, that's not the kind of support Elizabeth needs right now."

  Elizabeth was confused. "I'm not sure I can get more fucked over right now."

  "You can’t deny any of this. There's the proof that it happened."

  "But it didn't!" Elizabeth wailed. "None of these encounters happened!"

  "We know that, honey. Don't we, Jayne?" Susan gave Jayne a stern look that said that Jayne had no choice but to agree.

  Elizabeth bent over, her head in her hands between her knees. She felt like this was her new posture; cowering in fear and defeat. Ashamed. Susan and Jayne just watched her. "What am I going to do? What do I do? How—where—who? Do I talk to Nancy? Jack? Peter? Oh God. Peter? What do I say to him? God, he doesn't even know I'm here. I have to call him. What do I say? Oh God, what am I going to do?"

  "Elizabeth, you've got to calm down." Susan said firmly. "Breathe." It was enough to make Elizabeth stop and focus. She took a few deep breaths.

  "Thanks, Susan. Now tell me, what do I do?"

  "Call Peter and tell him you're here. Just tell him I needed you for something, and that you'll be back tomorrow."

  "Don't get into all of this," Jayne warned. "No need to right now. Just give yourself some time, and we'll help you figure out what to do."

  Elizabeth stood up, nodding. She stood there with a blank look on her face. She had no idea of where her phone was.

  Susan realized what Elizabeth was doing. "I brought your stuff in, including your phone. It's in the guest room."

  Elizabeth smiled weakly, and went to call her husband. She looked at her watch. It was after seven. When she found her phone, she was somewhat surprised that he had not called her, wondering where she and the kids were.

  "Hey, it's me."

  "Oh, hey. What's up? Do you have the kids?"

  "Um, no. Actually, my mom has them."

  "Okay. Why?"

  "I, um, had to come up to Susan's."

  "Susan?"

  Elizabeth clawed at the air. "You know, Susan. I worked with her for six years. She was my best friend. Susan."

  "Oh, right."

  "Anyway, I had to come up here. My mom has the kids."

  "What's the plan for the night then?"

  "Can you call my mom and ask her?"

  "Why aren't you coming home?"

  "We're just hanging out, and it's almost a two-hour drive home. I'm pretty tired, so I'll come back in the morning. You'll probably need to take the morning off from work."

  "What! I can't do that. I have an important meeting."

  Elizabeth didn't have the strength to fight. "Fine. I'll be home in a few hours. Have my mom bring the kids home. That's all right, isn't it?"

  "Yeah, I guess." Peter's tone was anything but convincing. He just sounded perturbed.

  Elizabeth sighed. "I guess I'd better get on the road then. I hope I can stay awake." She knew it was slightly excessive, laying on the guilt, but she was pissed that he couldn't step up, yet again.

  "Yup," he said, absently.

  She disconnected.

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN: June 28, 2012

  Elizabeth was paralyzed. She didn't know what to do. There was no one she could talk to about this except for Susan. But she couldn't stay hidden away here. Her children needed her. And she needed to reclaim her life. Somehow. She just wasn't sure how to go about it. She knew that it wouldn't be easy, whatever path she chose. Fear and indecision left her immobile. She wanted just to go to sleep and wake up with a clean slate. She wanted none of this to have happened. She wished she had never been so desperate as to put herself in Jack's hands, open and vulnerable. This is what she got for being vulnerable.

  Agnes was right. Oh God, how it pained her to admit that. Agnes never let anyone help her. She was never vulnerable. She was fiercely independent and would not let anyone in, not even her own husband, Thomas, and certainly not her daughter. And she always knew that Elizabeth didn't have it. The inner strength and stamina to persevere. Agnes had always told her that. She had always said that Elizabeth was weak, that she wasn't good enough and would need to be taken care of. Why didn't Agnes teach Elizabeth how to be strong instead of feeding into her deficits? Why didn't she build her up instead of break her down? How could her own mother have let her down?

  Her own mother never believed in her. Her husband doubted her every ability despite the fact that she ran circles around him. Her children thought she was ignorant. The town thought she was a tramp. Jack thought – well, Elizabeth didn't know what to make of it. No wonder Elizabeth didn't know who she was. Or who she had been. She only knew how she would now always be perceived. She knew that she wouldn't emerge from this unscathed. She knew that this would burn her, scarring her skin and her soul forever.

  Despite the constant swirling and churning of thoughts, Elizabeth was unable to think of a solution. She had no idea how to handle the situation. She only knew that she was totally unable to do this. In her typical fashion, Elizabeth stuffed it all away and focused voraciously on not thinking about it. She cleaned maniacally during the day with a frenetic energy she didn't know she possessed. Her house had never looked so good. She purged and threw out bag after bag of trash, trying to throw away this darkness that hung over her. Of course, Peter noticed neither the cleanliness in the house nor that anything was wrong with Elizabeth. She played game after game with Teddy and Sydney, until they drifted off, seeking alone time, trying to get away from her forced and frenzied cheerfulness. She disabled her Facebook account without ever looking at it, too afraid of what it would say. She scoured the internet, looking for new and elaborate recipes to nourish her family. She tried very hard not to notice that the phone never rang and that no one attempted to contact her.

  And Elizabeth didn't reach out either. The last thing she wanted to do was to see someone who would glare at her with hate in their eyes. Elizabeth even tried doing her grocery shopping online and having it delivered, rather than risk a confrontation in the market. But, after a few days of being home, the kids began to get restless. They wanted to go and do. They wanted to play with their friends. How was Elizabeth going to tell them that they no longer had friends? They would ask why, and she would have to say that it was because of her. But wait, it wasn't because of her. This wasn't her fault. It was Jack's fault.

  Jack. It had all started with him. His betrayal. Elizabeth laughed bitterly at the irony. Jack was the first man to betray her. Granted, in the grand scheme, it was a minor betrayal, but to Elizabeth's innocent sixteen-year-old soul, it was just tremendously painful. If she didn't know better, she would have thought that he had plotted this entire thing. That he had orchestrated her somehow showing up on his doorstep, nearly frozen to death. But he didn't invite her up to Susan's, and he didn't place that pothole. He wasn't the one who fucked up the tire change. That had been Elizabeth. The poor decision making had been all hers. She had to own at least that part. But why would he write the book about her? Didn't he know what that would do to her? To her reputation and marriage? To her family? To her soul?

  She needed answers, and Jack was the only person who could provide them to her. She picked up her phone but realized she didn't have a phone number for him. She could look him up online and e-mail him, but this wasn't really something that one could do in an e-mail. Frankly, she didn't think she could do it over the phone either. She needed to see him, to confront him. She needed to figure out how and when, and what to say. But she would definitely need to see him, at least one last time.

  Refocusing her energy on what she would say to him, Elizabeth calmed slightly. Having at least a slight plan gave her courage. She packed Teddy and Sydney up and took them to the town pool to go swimming. The kids were ecstatic. They were one of the few families from their circle that didn't have their own swimming pool or a membership to a country club. The town pool was a safer bet that they wouldn't run into someone from Nancy's inner clique. Still, Elizabeth donned a floppy sun hat and large sunglasses that hid a
good portion of her face. Trying to hide in plain sight.

  As Elizabeth watched Teddy and Sydney play in the pool, she sighed, remembering that she had so been looking forward to this summer. The kids were at an age where they could play and have fun, and Elizabeth could relax a little. She didn't need to be in the pool, hovering like a helicopter anymore. She could sit back and watch the kids, taking pleasure in their fun. In such a moment of desolation and isolation, it was a small pleasure, but it was the only light in her dark world. She was stretched out in a lounge chair, partially shaded by an umbrella. The heat rose off the concrete in waves. She was hot and sticky and getting uncomfortable. The water looked so inviting.

  Not removing her hat or glasses, she took off her cover up and headed over to the pool stairs. The kids came swimming over, greeting her as she walked slowly into the water. The water was not that cool, but compared to the heat of the day, it was still somewhat refreshing. After a few moments of wading around in the chest deep water, Elizabeth walked out of the pool and retreated to her chair in the corner, out of the way. She took a drink of water from Sydney's thermos and put her head back, arranging her hat to further conceal her face. The dip in the pool had been enough to cool her down, and the heat of the day enhanced her fatigue. Her eyelids were heavy below her sunglasses, and she felt herself drifting off.

  Not sure if she had been asleep for a moment or an hour, Elizabeth startled awake to voices off to her left. Two women were setting up a few chairs down.

  "I see the kids, but I don’t see her."

  "That'd be just like her to drop them off and leave."

  "Should we call someone?"

  Elizabeth tried to look around without moving to see what kids they were talking about. It wasn't unheard of for parents to drop their children off at the pool and leave them unsupervised. It was one of the main reasons why Elizabeth didn't like coming here. There were always kids running around and very little parental involvement. Of course, she herself had just dozed off. She scanned to get a visual on her kids. Teddy was floating on his back and Sydney was playing with another girl in the shallow end. They were behaving, and Elizabeth relaxed again slightly. She heard the yammering of the women again.