Alexander put a hand on Christian’s shoulder. “This is Christian.”
“I can introduce myself, you know,” Christian said, nudging him. He turned to Jared and smiled crookedly. “Christian Ashford.”
“You have an unusually beautiful smile,” Jared said.
Christian hid his surprise as he took his jacket off. The guy definitely wasn’t flirting with him or anything, but it wasn’t exactly something a straight guy would say. Wait, was Jared the gay cousin Alexander had mentioned a while ago?
“Thanks,” Christian said with a small laugh. “Yours is pretty nice, too.”
An hour later, as they finished the six-pack they’d brought, Christian concluded that Alexander had been right: he liked Jared. A lot. He was a great guy— calm and pretty laid-back. He had a quiet strength about him that instinctively made Christian trust him.
Apparently, Jared was a doctor.
“It suits you,” Christian said, leaning back against the couch. “I hate hospitals and doctors—no offense—but I wouldn’t mind to have you as my doctor. You look like a good doctor.” He wiggled his eyebrows and gave him an exaggerated once-over. “And well, you’re hot. I bet you look super hot in a doctor’s outfit. Anyone call you Dr. McDreamy?”
Jared laughed, and Alexander dropped his arm around Christian’s shoulders.
Christian shot him a sideway glance.
Alexander had been very quiet, mostly listening and watching them chat. As always, he appeared calm and composed, but… there was a difference between his calmness and Jared’s. It wasn’t obvious, but it was there, and Christian couldn’t help but notice the difference. Jared’s calmness seemed effortless; in comparison, Alexander’s calmness felt unnatural. Deceptive.
It wasn’t the first time Christian had noticed that, but it had never been more obvious than now. The two men looked so alike but felt like complete opposites: one was a rock and the other was like a sleeping volcano. Christian shivered, wondering what if it was awakened. He’d never seen Alexander truly angry or emotional. Sure, he’d seen him somewhat irritated and annoyed, he’d seen him laugh and smile, but all of those emotions were mild enough and controlled. He could feel that Alexander constantly held back, keeping a tight rein on his emotions.
Christian wanted to know why. He wanted to know what made this man tick.
Alexander’s cell phone went off again.
“Sheldon speaking.”
The caller started yelling, and Christian saw Alexander frown.
“Please calm down, Mr. Kabenov.”
The caller only yelled louder.
“Успокойтесь, пожалуйста, господин Кабенов,” Alexander said, in what sounded like Russian. “Давайте поговорим спокойно, как взрослые люди.”
Brushing Christian’s neck with his fingers, Alexander stood up and left the room. “Mr. Kabenov, I assure you Robert is a highly qualified professional…”
Left alone with Alexander’s cousin, Christian hesitated, but he knew a golden opportunity when he saw one.
“Can I ask you something?” he said.
Jared inclined his head, looking at him curiously.
“What’s made Alexander so…” Christian paused, unsure how to put it. “Emotionally repressed?”
Jared sighed, his brows drawing together. He looked hesitant for a moment before saying quietly, “His parents messed him up. Long story short, his father is a chronic cheater. He cheats on his wife with men, and then lies that it’s the last time, my aunt becomes hysterical, they fight for days, but eventually she forgives him—until the next time. And it’s been going on for decades.”
Christian frowned. “They’re still together?”
“Yes.” Jared grimaced. “She should have kicked him out years ago, but she can’t. My aunt is a total wreck, to be honest. Last time I visited her, she was completely drunk, the house looked like pigs lived in it, and my uncle was nowhere to be seen. But they’re still together.”
“And Alexander…?”
“I convinced my parents to take him in when he was fourteen, but the damage was already done. He was just a kid. Kids are impressionable.”
Christian’s eyebrows furrowed. That explained why Alexander hated disorder and chaos, but it didn’t explain why he repressed his emotions so much—repressed them to the point he didn’t even seem to be aware of them.
When he said that aloud, Jared frowned. “I’m not sure. He doesn’t really talk about it, but my guess is it’s because of his mother. He despises her, maybe even more than his father.”
“Because she neglected him?”
Jared pressed his lips together. “Because she loves her husband too much. Her emotions basically turned her from a young, confident woman to a clingy, drunken doormat obsessed with an asshole.” Jared shook his head. “I once saw her sobbing on my mother’s shoulder and telling her that she loved her husband more than anything, that she would forgive him anything, that she couldn’t live without him—because she loved him so much. I barely recognized her, she looked so pitiful.” Jared averted his gaze. “Alexander must have heard stuff like that a thousand times when he was a kid. I don’t blame him for disliking strong emotions.”
Christian nodded slowly and chewed on his lip, pondering what he had learned.
“So what’s going on between you and my cousin?”
Christian froze and looked back at Jared. The guy was studying him calmly, blue eyes sharp and assessing.
“I don’t know what you mean,” Christian tried.
Jared just gave him a flat stare, looking so like Alexander at the moment it weirded Christian out.
“Nothing is going on. He has a girlfriend, remember?” Nope, Christian didn’t sound bitter at all.
“I know he has a girlfriend,” Jared said. “And until today, I thought Alexander was straight. But since you entered my house, my cousin’s been all over you. He’s been acting like you’re his girlfriend.”
Christian laughed awkwardly, his face warm. “I don’t know, okay? I don’t think he even notices what he’s doing.”
“Alexander is far from unobservant,” Jared said.
“I know,” Christian said, stroking his forehead and running his hand through his hair. “But I think he’s good at ignoring things that he doesn’t want to notice.”
Christian thought that for an instant a shadow of sadness crossed Jared’s features.
“You’re right,” Jared murmured. “People can be astonishingly good at ignoring things they don’t want to see or know about.” He glanced at the door before looking at Christian. A smile curved his lips, and Christian was reminded how handsome this man was. “Let’s do something that he will definitely see.”
“What?”
Glancing at the door again, Jared stood up and took the seat Alexander vacated. He put his fingers on Christian’s chin and tipped it up.
Christian laughed a little. “Uh, you’re not into me, right?”
Something flickered in Jared’s eyes. Before he could reply, there was the sound of footsteps approaching, and Jared leaned in to kiss Christian.
His lips were soft, and the kiss was pleasant enough. Christian liked it—Jared knew how to kiss, he was an extremely attractive man, and Christian liked him—but something was missing. There was no spark, no fierce need, no hunger. Christian didn’t get all warm and tingly, and didn’t want to devour him—
Christian yelped as he was yanked off the couch by a very angry-looking Alexander. He actually looked pissed: his jaw was working, his eyes were blazing with anger, and rage was coming off him in waves.
“What the fuck?” Alexander growled, looking between them, his grip on Christian’s arm painful.
Christian was stunned. Even Jared seemed taken aback by the force of his cousin’s reaction.
Jared was the first to recover from his surprise. “What’s the problem?” he said calmly. “I’m gay. Christian’s bi. We’re both adults and we�
��re both single.”
That gave Alexander pause. But not for long.
“He’s twenty,” he bit out. “He’s ten years younger than you. He’s too young for you.”
Jared’s brows crept up, and Christian gave Alexander an incredulous look, too. Alexander was seven years older than him and Mila, but apparently a ten-year age difference was unthinkable.
“Look, calm down—”
“I’m calm,” Alexander said, sounding anything but calm. “We’re leaving.”
Christian was still so stunned that he didn’t even protest, letting Alexander practically drag him out of the house. He’d barely managed to grab his jacket and wave goodbye to Jared, who was watching them leave with a bewildered expression on his face.
The drive to Christian’s place was silent and tense. Alexander ignored Christian, his eyes fixed ahead.
Christian wasn’t sure what to think. It was the first time he’d seen Alexander lose his self-control. He’d always had a gut feeling Alexander’s unflappable, unemotional behavior was just a facade, but actually seeing it was a different matter entirely.
A part of him felt ridiculously giddy because Alexander had lost his self-control because of him. It had to mean something, right? Right? But on the other hand, he knew Alexander wouldn’t be happy at all about his lack of self-control.
He was proven right as Alexander looked tenser and tenser with every passing minute.
Alexander broke the silence only when they reached Christian’s place.
“Do you want him?” he asked, killing the engine. His face was inscrutable again, but his voice was sharp and hard.
Christian hesitated, unsure how to handle this.
Jared was Alexander’s close friend and cousin. He didn’t want to do anything that would harm their friendship, but... he wasn’t unselfish, dammit. He wanted. He wanted to make Alexander jealous—badly. He wanted Alexander to feel what he felt every time he saw Alexander with Mila. He wanted to make him mad with jealousy.
“He’s very hot,” Christian said. “He’s exactly my type.” Sorry, Jared, he apologized inwardly and looked Alexander in the eye. “So yeah, I want him—”
Alexander lunged forward and slammed their lips together, hand fisting in Christian’s hair. Christian gasped and tried to kiss him back, but Alexander didn’t let him. The kiss was hard and cruel, a brutal branding. It was a kiss meant to punish, but all it did was elicit desperate need and hunger. Moaning, Christian parted his lips wider, wanting him deeper, more—god, it’d been so long—
Alexander tore his lips away, breathing hard. “I can’t do this,” he said, as though to himself, looking at him hungrily, hand still in Christian’s hair. He started leaning in again, but stopped, swore under his breath and sat back into his seat, his eyes fixed in front of him and every muscle in his body so tense it looked like he might snap.
Inhaling shakily, Christian reached out. “Alec—”
“Don’t,” Alexander bit out. “Don’t touch me. Please.” He rubbed his face. “Please get out.”
Christian stared at him and then got out of the car, still trembling faintly.
He watched as the car sped out of the driveway and onto the street, the tires screeching.
And everything went quiet.
He was alone.
Chapter 18
When Alexander got home, Mila greeted him with a smile and a kiss on his cheek.
He flinched, but she didn’t notice.
“You’re late,” she said. “I thought you’d be home before me.”
Alexander pulled off his coat and threw it on the coat stand. It slithered off and onto the floor. He stopped by the couch but didn’t sit down and walked to the window instead.
It was dark outside. It was snowing again, soft gentle flakes fluttering to the ground in a beautiful cascade of glimmering white.
“Alexander?” Mila said hesitantly.
He heard her pick up his coat.
“Something wrong?” she asked.
He closed his eyes for a moment, his back to her. Yes, something was wrong. Him.
“Where were you?”
“At Jared’s place.” His hand gripped the window sill, and he had to take a few deep breaths to control the surge of rage. This was ridiculous. Jared was like a brother to him. They’d grown up together. He shouldn’t feel like killing him because of one kiss.
“He arrived already?”
“Yes,” he said.
“Okay, what’s wrong?”
The snow was getting heavier and the wind was picking up right behind it.
“Alexander?”
“I didn’t tell you something,” he said tonelessly. “I’ve been hanging out with Christian lately.”
Her breath hitched in her throat.
There was a long silence. The only sound he could hear was the faint howling of the wind outside.
“Okay,” Mila said, her voice shaking a bit. “Did you—did you sleep with him?”
Alexander’s grip on the window sill got tighter. “No.”
Another long silence.
“Did you want to?”
A bare branch knocked against the window.
The silence lengthened.
Her harsh, bitter laugh cut through the room. “You can’t even deny it. Look at me, dammit!”
Alexander turned around.
She stood in the middle of the room, her face flushed and eyes wide and shiny. An ugly, shaky smile twisted her lips. “Is that it? Are you going to dump me for him?”
Alexander’s brows furrowed. “Why are you even asking me that? You shouldn’t give me a choice. You can’t be okay with this.”
Mila laughed again, the sound jarring and abrasive. “Oh, I’m definitely not okay with this. But—but you’re mine, not his. It was never supposed to be that way! I can’t just give you to him! I won’t!” She walked over, grabbed his hand and squeezed. “You didn’t cheat on me. I don’t care if you want him. You didn’t cheat. We can—we can get over it—I’ll give you another chance—and we—”
“Enough, Mila,” Alexander said, bile rising to his throat. She looked nearly hysterical. She looked like…He put his hands on her shoulders and shook her slightly. “Don’t you have any self-respect? You deserve better. I’m the asshole here. You shouldn’t give me a second chance. It will change nothing.”
She shook her head slowly. “But you didn’t cheat,” she whispered.
Alexander looked her in the eye. “I kissed him.”
She opened her mouth and closed it before opening again. “I don’t care. You didn’t have sex with him. You didn’t cheat.”
Alexander hesitated. He didn’t want to hurt her, but she was clutching at straws. “Maybe not physically,” he said, forcing the words out. “But I did it every time I looked at him. Every time I couldn’t look away.”
Mila swallowed.
He touched her cheek with the back of his hand. “You deserve better. You deserve a man who will enter the room you’re in and see no one but you. I can’t be that man, but he’s out there. You’ll find him. I know you will.”
She looked at him for a long moment before averting her eyes and scowling. “Oh, shut up. Why are you so perfect all the time? Even when you’re dumping me? If you’re dumping me, at least have the decency to let me hate you! My next boyfriend will probably have at least five horrible flaws compared to you.”
Alexander kissed her on the forehead. “Maybe it’s a good thing. And I’m not perfect. Very far from perfect, actually.”
Mila snorted. “You? Please. You’re the definition of perfect.”
A crooked smile curled his lips. “If you think that, you loved a man who didn’t exist.”
She eyed him solemnly before nodding. “Maybe. Maybe I never knew you.” She chuckled humorlessly. “Maybe if I knew you better, I could have stopped you from falling for him.”
Alexander sucked a breath in. “I didn’t say I love him,” he said tersely, turning away.
�
��What?”
“I don’t love him,” he bit out. “It’s not love.”
“Then what is it?”
Alexander stared out the window, watching the snowfall. He thought of snowflakes melting on Christian’s flushed skin a few hours ago. He thought of how he looked and how he couldn’t look away.
“Obsession,” he whispered, barely audible.
A few hours later, as he helped Mila get her stuff outside, he looked at Mila’s face and tried to feel the quiet love he’d used to feel for her. But there was nothing—everything wiped out by this thing eating him from the inside out.
A cab pulled over and stopped in front of them. Mila glanced at it. “Send the rest of my things to my parents’ house.” Her eyes were shiny as she looked at him, but she gave him a confident smile. “I still expect to receive the red dress for my birthday, got it?”
“Got it,” he said and watched her walk to the cab.
As the cab pulled away, Alexander put his hands into the pockets of his coat and stood still, letting cold flakes of snow land on his face and melt. There was a faint feeling of regret in the pit of his stomach, but Alexander knew he had done the right thing. Mila did deserve better. And staying together wasn’t an option.
Because it was obvious now he couldn’t be trusted.
Alexander clenched his jaw, remembering how close he had been to having Christian right there, in the car. It was a fucking miracle he’d managed to tear himself away.
Looking back, it had been silly to think he could be friends with Christian. A man wouldn’t get frustrated and restless if he didn’t see his friend for a few weeks, but at the time, Alexander couldn’t put a name to the odd restlessness under his skin—or didn’t want to.
Then he saw Christian at Mila’s school.
Then he had to see him again.
The last few weeks had been a disaster. He had told himself he would stay away from Christian, but he ended up seeking him out using some truly ridiculous justifications. He’d told himself he wouldn’t touch Christian now that they were just friends, but he caught himself groping him on multiple occasions—touching, stroking his skin, putting a proprietary arm around him, pulling him close. It was like he couldn’t control his body at all.
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