And he couldn’t control his mind, either. When they watched movies together, he spent half of the time imagining pushing Christian flat on his back, climbing on top of him and rutting into him until his cock was sore and Christian was flushed and covered in his come.
Alexander sighed, feeling his cock stir just from thinking about it. He’d never felt so out of control before. Never. It was more than a little disturbing. And it wasn’t normal that one smile from the guy could make his mouth go dry, his heartbeat pick up and his cock harden, as though he was a teenager once again. He hated his total lack of self-control around Christian.
This…obsession was getting out of hand. Nothing good could come out of it. This was already turning him into someone he wasn’t: a possessive, unreasonably jealous man. He had no right to feel jealous. It was none of his business if Christian wanted Jared and kissed him. And yet his blood was boiling with jealousy, rage and fear all at once, cooking him from the inside out. Of course Christian was attracted to Jared. His cousin was basically an improved version of him. Jared was everything Alexander strove to be: calm, composed and dependable. Jared had his life figured out. Jared never lost his composure. Jared didn’t let his primitive instincts take over.
His cell phone rang.
Alexander pulled it out of his pocket. His face hardened when he saw the caller ID. But he answered. “What do you want?”
“And here I was hoping you’d calm down,” Jared said.
“I’m perfectly calm.”
Jared let out an incredulous chuckle. “Come over, then. I think we need to clear a few things up.”
Chapter 19
When Jared opened the door, there were no hugs and smiles this time around.
Alexander looked at his cousin’s face and couldn’t summon even a flicker of affection for him. All he could see was the man who’d had his tongue in Christian’s mouth.
Yeah, I want him. Remembering Christian’s words, he felt his hands clench into fists by his sides, his breathing uneven and loud even to his own ears. Rage bubbled in his gut, mixed with a dose of fear and resentment. He loved his cousin. He shouldn’t be feeling this. He shouldn’t feel the nearly irresistible urge to slam Jared against the wall and punch him hard, again and again, until his face was a bloody mess.
As though reading his thoughts, Jared stepped back, eyeing him warily. “Come on in.”
The house was dark and quiet, the fireplace the only source of light in the living room.
Alexander took off his coat and threw it on one of the chairs before sinking into the armchair beside the fireplace.
Jared stared at him, walked to the mini-bar and grabbed a few beers.
“So,” Jared said, throwing him a can. He sat down on the couch and opened his beer. “About the pretty boy you brought here.”
Alexander stiffened but didn’t say anything. He didn’t trust himself not to say something he would regret later.
“Relax,” Jared said, watching him. “I don’t want your Christian.” He chuckled softly. “Well, if he lands in my lap, naked, I won’t say no—he’s ridiculously attractive, and I’m not dead. But I don’t want him.”
Some of the tension drained out of Alexander’s body. “Then why did you touch him?”
Jared sipped his beer. “I was curious how you would react. You were feeling him up the whole time, so I thought it would bother you if I touched him. But your reaction exceeded all my expectations.”
“If you want to study me like a lab rat, keep Christian out of it—and keep your tongue out of his mouth, dammit.”
Jared eyed him solemnly. “I thought you had a girlfriend.”
Alexander looked down at his beer, watching the reflection of the firelight on the can. “I did. Not anymore.”
Silence.
“It’s a bit strange,” Jared said, his tone careful. “Your relationship seemed fine just a few months ago. I thought you weren’t interested in guys at all.”
Alexander opened his beer and took a big gulp. “I wasn’t. Until Mila invited Christian for a threesome.” Alexander looked at the fireplace, watching the yellow flames dance across a burning log. Now it felt like it all had happened in another lifetime, not two months ago. “He annoyed me.” He chuckled humorlessly. “Not sure how I went from being annoyed to wanting my dick inside him.”
He looked at Jared, gauging his reaction.
His cousin’s expression was calm and unsurprised. That was the thing about Jared: he was always composed and cool-headed. Sometimes Alexander envied him, because he often felt like a ticking bomb set to go off.
“From the way you looked at him today, it’s not just about sex, is it?” Jared murmured, sipping his beer.
“I don’t love him,” Alexander said tersely.
“I didn’t say you did,” Jared said, raising his eyebrows. “But out of curiosity—why do you think you don’t love him?”
Sighing, Alexander pinched the bridge of his nose. “Because I don’t. This—it’s not love. Love isn’t supposed to be like this.”
“Like what?”
Alexander met his eyes and said quietly, “When I saw you kissing him, I wanted to tear you limb from limb. I’m not exaggerating.” Seeing Jared’s expression, he let out a harsh laugh. “Yeah. It didn’t matter you’re my closest friend and cousin. This thing… it stripped me of all control. I felt like—like a man possessed. Like he’s mine. And no one but me can touch him. See, it’s obsession, not love.”
Jared studied him, his expression contemplative. “You just never wanted someone enough to be truly jealous. You never cared enough. You never needed enough. That’s why you think it’s not normal to feel that way.” He laughed, something pained flashing across his features before he concealed it behind a neutral expression. “It’s pretty normal, trust me. And it doesn’t necessarily mean it’s not love. If you think it’s not love, maybe you never loved before.”
“I loved Mila,” Alexander ground out.
“Did you?” Jared said in a low voice. “I’m not sure you did.”
Alexander tensed. “What is that supposed to mean?”
Jared looked down at his beer before looking back at him. “I’ve said nothing before, but I always thought all of your relationships were a bit shallow—No, hear me out! Yes, all of them were pretty long and serious, and all of them were…nice and steady. They didn’t seem to make you feel much of anything. You were never jealous. You were never angry. You never cared enough.” He held Alexander’s gaze. “But that’s what you wanted, isn’t it?”
His jaw tightening, Alexander leveled him with a look. “I don’t like what you’re implying, Jared. And you’re wrong.”
“Maybe,” Jared conceded. “Maybe you did love your girlfriends. But your reaction to your jealousy over Christian speaks volumes. You think it’s not normal. You don’t want to feel it. You think anything that strong and ugly can’t be love.” Jared eyed his beer, a strange twisted smile on his lips. “You’re wrong. And suppressing emotions isn’t healthy, Alexander.”
Alexander pressed his lips together. “How do you do that, Jared? Nothing baffles you. You have an answer for everything.”
Some emotion flashed through Jared’s face. “There’s no need for that tone. I don’t have an answer for everything. Far from it. I’m just saying sometimes love isn’t pretty. It’s not neat, and it’s not textbook perfect. There’s no template for love. Sometimes it’s dirty. Sometimes it’s a bit creepy. And sometimes it hurts.”
Before Alexander could say anything, there was a sound of footsteps.
A half-naked young guy padded down the stairs, yawning and stretching. He had slightly exotic features and dark blond hair. Emerald green eyes flickered to Alexander without much interest before the guy walked to the couch and flopped onto his belly, putting his head on Jared’s lap. “My neck hurts,” he said with a faint French accent.
Alexander raised his eyebrows slightly, unsure what to make of it. He had no idea Jared was seeing someone.
Jared had told him he wasn’t seeing anyone.
He looked up at Jared and did a double take.
The indulgent, long-suffering smile that was on Jared’s lips completely transformed his entire face. His eyes were warm, his expression full of naked adoration. It made Alexander distinctly uncomfortable. It felt like he was watching something very intimate. Something he wasn’t supposed to see.
“I told you to stick to the training program,” Jared said sternly, his voice at odds with the expression on his face. But then again, the guy couldn’t see his face. “And you’re being rude, Gabriel. You’re ignoring my guest.”
“I want a massage,” Gabriel said. “And he’s not your guest. I bet he’s from your family. He looks like a pale version of you—”
“I resent that,” Alexander said dryly. “I’m the most handsome Sheldon you’ve ever met.”
Gabriel turned his head and gave him a critical stare. “Hmm,” he said thoughtfully. “No. Your hands are nowhere as good. I can tell. Jared, come on. Remember, I’m injured.”
Jared rolled his eyes but started massaging the guy’s neck. “You sprained your ankle, not you neck. Alexander, allow me to introduce you to Gabriel DuVal, the most spoiled sportsman in the world.”
Alexander concealed his surprise. He had heard of the injured French kid Jared looked after years ago, but he’d had no idea they were seeing each other. “Soccer player, right?”
“Football player,” Gabriel corrected him before smiling blissfully. “Mmm, right there, yeah.”
“Your neck is stiff,” Jared said, in a gently scolding tone. “What were you doing to get it so—”
“Ah, he’s here,” said a female voice.
A pretty young woman stood on the top of the stairs, her hands on her pajama-clad hips. She was giving Gabriel an unimpressed look. “Honestly, Gabe. Don’t be a baby.”
“She’s being rude to your guest, too,” Gabriel said, without opening his eyes. “Why am I the only one who gets scolded for that?”
The girl blushed and gave Alexander an apologetic smile. “I’m Claire, Gabriel’s girlfriend.”
Alexander stared. Then he looked at Jared, whose expression was bland.
“Nice to meet you,” Alexander said, belatedly, turning back to the girl. “Alexander Sheldon, Jared’s cousin.”
She gave him a distracted smile and said firmly, “Gabriel DuVal, stop bothering Jared and get up. We’re already imposing on his vacation—”
“You’re not,” Jared said, giving Claire a smile that didn’t quite touch his eyes. “But we’re done already—”
“No,” Gabriel said.
“—so you can take him,” Jared continued, as if having not heard him.
Sighing, Gabriel sat up. “I hate you,” he told Jared before pecking him on the cheek. “Night.”
“Good night,” Jared said, averting his gaze.
Neither Jared nor Alexander watched the couple leave.
Looking at his cousin’s stoic face, Alexander didn’t know what to say.
“He doesn’t know, does he?” he said at last.
Clenching his jaw, Jared shook his head.
“Why don’t you tell him?” Alexander chuckled harshly. “You tell me not to suppress emotions, but you —”
“It’s different,” Jared snapped.
It was the first time Alexander had ever seen his cousin angry. “How is that different?”
Jared stood up and walked to the mini-bar to pour himself a glass of whiskey. He downed it in a few big gulps. “Because there’s no point. He’s straight. Not like you. He’s truly straight. I know him inside out. He’s really straight. Can’t-get-it-up-for-a-man straight. He’s in love with his girlfriend. They’re very serious. If I tell him, it would just make everything awkward, nothing more.”
Alexander eyed his stiff back. “He doesn’t seem indifferent. He’s very affectionate—”
“He’s French,” Jared said flatly. “And no, he isn’t indifferent. He loves me. Maybe even too much. But not that way.”
“How do you—”
“Drop it. Please. I’ve been dealing with this for years.”
Sure you have, Alexander thought, remembering the expression on Jared’s face as he looked at the French kid. “Why don’t you just leave? Quit your job and come back home.”
Jared laughed, a short, ragged sound. “I can’t.”
“Why not?”
“For the same reason your mother can’t leave your father. He’s my everything.” Jared turned to look at Alexander, a wry smile on his lips. “I know you despise your mother for that. Do you think I’m weak and pathetic, too?”
Alexander looked at his older cousin—the cousin he’d used to look up to when they were children—and didn’t know what to say. “You can’t just stay and watch him with someone else. It’ll break you.”
Jared grabbed the bottle of whiskey and brought it to his lips. “I know,” he said and took a big gulp. His eyes were dull and tired. “Today his girlfriend asked me to examine her. Apparently, they’re trying for a baby.”
Alexander inhaled sharply. “Is she…?”
“No. Not yet.” Jared took another gulp. “But it will happen someday. And someday, I’ll be the best man at his wedding and maybe a godfather to his kids, and—” Jared cut himself off as his voice thickened. He turned away. “Maybe I’m a weak. Maybe I’m an idiot to stick around only because he needs me. Maybe it’s unhealthy to live for crumbs of affection and let one person become the center of my life. Maybe.”
There was a long silence, during which Jared stared into the crackling fire and Alexander stared at him.
“If you want my advice,” Jared said, still not looking at him. His voice was rough and clipped. “My advice to you: fuck whatever issues you have. Don’t overthink it. Obsession, love—it doesn’t matter what you call it. They’re just words. If you look at him and think ‘this is mine,’ that’s it. Grab it if you can. I wish I could.”
Alexander walked to him and clasped Jared’s shoulder. “I’m sorry.”
Jared’s muscles flexed under his hand.
“Yeah,” he said, his voice toneless. “Me, too.”
Chapter 20
Jared’s words still rang in his ears as Alexander left his cousin’s house and got into his car.
He slumped back in the driver’s seat, running a hand over his face.
Sometimes love isn’t pretty. It’s not neat, and it’s not textbook perfect. There’s no template for love. Sometimes it’s dirty. Sometimes it’s a bit creepy. And sometimes it hurts.
He thought of Jared’s dejected posture and strained smile. He thought of the way Jared looked at that French kid. Then he thought of Mila, and his other ex-girlfriends. They all were beautiful and nice, but if Alexander was honest with himself, he hadn’t felt with them even a fraction of what he did with Christian—and he didn’t mean just sex. He hadn’t felt the irresistible urge to touch, to kiss, to pull closer, to be with them. He’d never had trouble looking away when they smiled. He’d never been impatient to see them. Everything—his reactions and his emotions—had been controlled. Predictable. Shallow. And he had liked it that way. He had liked it.
Alexander was jerked away from his thoughts when the passenger door suddenly opened and someone got in.
The French kid. Gabriel. He wasn’t even wearing a jacket and was covered in snow. He glared at Alexander. “What the fuck did you do to him? Jared’s drinking, and he never drinks. Whatever you did, go back and fix it!”
Eyeing him, Alexander realized the guy wasn’t really as young as he had thought. He might be the same age as Christian. There was just something about the curve of his mouth that made him look vulnerable and innocent. But now that Alexander looked at the hard expression on the guy’s face, it was obvious how wrong his first impression was. Something told him this guy was very far from being innocent and vulnerable.
“Me?” Alexander said. “If anything, I should be the one asking that question.”
Damn it. He shouldn’t have said that. Jared didn’t want Gabriel to know.
But there was no trace of confusion in Gabriel’s face. Gabriel averted his gaze.
Alexander’s eyes narrowed. He studied the guy.
“You know,” he said as realization dawned on him. “You know, don’t you?”
Gabriel nodded, still not looking at him.
“If you know, then let him go.”
“It’s not that simple,” Gabriel said tersely.
“It’s very simple. He loves you, you know it and still make him watch you with your girlfriend. Don’t you give a shit about him at all?”
“You don’t get it.”
“No, I don’t,” Alexander said, his voice hard. “I’ll tell Jared you know.”
Gabriel grabbed his arm. “Don’t you dare,” he growled, green eyes flashing. His expression transformed completely, something ruthless and ugly lurking in his gaze. “If you do that, I’ll make sure he’ll never talk to you again, got it? I can do that. If he has to choose, he’ll always pick me, not his cousin. He’s mine.”
Alexander stared. Appearances could certainly be deceiving. Cute, innocent kid? Right. “Does he know what a selfish piece of shit you are?”
Gabriel laughed, as if he’d said something funny. “Jared knows me better than anyone. He’s seen me at my worst.” Something like wonder or perhaps embarrassment appeared on his face. “I’m not a very good person, but he loves me anyway. I’m not giving him up. Ever.”
Alexander shook his head slowly. “Don’t you see how cruel it is? Don’t you care? It’s breaking him.”
His jaw tightening, Gabriel dropped his gaze. “I know,” he whispered hoarsely. “I hate hurting him, but I just—I can’t let go, okay? He’s… I owe him my career. I owe him everything I am now.” He turned away to look out the window. “I went from being a poor nobody from an orphanage to a star footballer who makes two hundred thousand pounds a week. I have everything I’ve ever dreamed of. I shouldn’t need him anymore.” He paused. When he spoke again, his voice was full of resentment. “But I do. And I hate this—this emotional dependency and constant craving his attention and approval. I never depended on anyone emotionally until him—I never had anyone to depend on. I hate all these emotions, hate being scared he’ll get sick of me and leave, you know?” Gabriel smiled crookedly, shaking his head. “Of course you don’t get it. No one gets it.”
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