Among the Stars

by Renee Porter

  Dana was currently seeing some boy from El Camino which left me to my own devices. “How you think?” Again, Beth asked as lifted my eyes up to see what she managed to get into this time.

  My breath stuck in my throat which created a snort of sorts. I choked and Beth furrowed her brows, coming over to me and slapping me hard on the back.

  “Taylor.” I breathed in fire as Taylor’s eyes worried from behind her lids.

  “Hey. I saw Beth getting into some trouble so I decided to escort her back.” She gave me a shy smile and finally I was able to breathe, somewhat.

  “Thanks. I thought she was putting something back she had grabbed earlier.” I looked over warily to Beth who just smiled her cheeky smile.

  “Tay shopping.” Beth laughed and grabbed my hand, squeezing it hard.

  “I can see that.”

  “Tay’s coming with us.” Beth smiled at her friend and without releasing my hand, grabbed Taylor’s in her own. Taylor chuckled as she maneuvered the clothes in her arms so that they wouldn’t fall.

  “Beth, maybe Taylor is with friends and can’t shop with us.” My heart thudded as Taylor’s smile cracked.

  “Actually, I’m here alone.” She attempted to finger a fallen gold lock out of her face but was thwarted by her full hands.

  “See!” Beth let go of our hands as she clapped, running to the other end of the store. I followed her with my eyes until she reached the toy section.

  “You don’t have to if you don’t want to. Beth doesn’t know any better.”

  Taylor shrugged her shoulders as she looked down at the rack of dresses. She smiled as she pulled the deep green summer dress out. “This would look great on you.” My shoulders pulled back as Taylor placed the hangered dress on my body. She eyed me up and down and as soon as her eyes landed on my face my ears warmed.

  “You think?” I cleared my throat and took the offered dress. Taylor nodded her head and walked with me to the next rack.

  “So, how have you been?” I tried to keep my eyes glued to the clothes in front of me, Taylor on the opposite side, doing the same thing,

  “Good. Class has kept me busy. And you?”

  I nodded my head, pursing my lips at the awkwardness of the situation. It was almost as if this year hadn’t happened. Taylor felt, yet again, like a stranger and I don’t know why I was forcing conversation.

  “Good.” I kept nodding my head like an idiot, wanting to force the topic off of myself.

  “Dana told me she got into London.” Taylor stopped rifling through the rack as she tilted her head, regarding me. “I’m sorry, Jen.”

  “It’s okay. It’s what she wants, and I guess I always knew there was a chance we wouldn’t be in the same state for college. Although, I wasn’t expecting a different country.” I pulled out a cute shirt and placed it on my arm.

  “I’m sure she feels the same way.” I nodded my head as I looked up to find my sister. She was still playing with the toys, two monster trucks finding ways to demolish one another. Taylor and I finished our clothes shopping with only a few more spoken words. By the time I was ready to try on what I had, Beth had managed to get into the sunglasses and I apologized to the employee when I found nearly all in her reach had been out of order.

  Beth of course laughed, along with Taylor and I couldn’t help the smile that escaped my lips.

  “We can go now.” Beth said to me. Again I laughed at my sister and shook my head. “Let me try some of these on first.”

  Beth scowled and I knew it would be a fight to get her into the dressing room with me.

  “How about Beth and I sit outside and wait for you. And Beth can tell me all about her new boyfriend that I’m sure she has.” Beth giggled at Taylor and I graciously thanked her.

  In the dressing room I could hear my sister whittling off a list of names at the adult daycare she attended. “Bobby likes me but he’s gross.” I chuckled to myself as I heard Taylor respond with “boys are gross” and heard Beth give a raspberry to her cheek.

  I eyed myself in the mirror as I put on the green dress. Taylor was right, of course. The light green complimented my olive skin and I pulled my braid aside to attempt to get to the zipper. Of course, my arms were too short and I grunted as I tried to lengthen them a few inches.

  “Everything okay in there?” A knock on the door made my heart stutter.

  “Um, yeah. I just can’t reach –“

  Beth opened the door and I grabbed onto the front of my dress willing it not to fall. Beth held onto the door knob and I secretly cursed whoever thought that not having a lock on a dressing room door was a smart idea.

  “Naked!” Beth snorted and sat down on the small wooden triangle on in the dressing room.

  “I’m not naked,” although I felt as such. My skin was burning from embarrassment as Taylor gave me a shy smile.

  “Turn around and I’ll get it for you.” I nodded, grateful that I could hide my face and turned so Taylor could access the zipper. I heard her suck in a breath as the zipper glided upwards. Soft fingers lingered at my hair line and I looked up in the mirror to ocean blue eyes. I wasn’t sure what she was thinking but I could assume.

  “It looks good.” Taylor cleared her throat as she backed up a few steps too many, hitting the opened door and stumbling. She looked around and placed her hand on the offending wood. “You should get it. I think. I mean it looks really good. I love that color.” She looked down at her feet and then at Beth who was giving her a huge smile. “I better get going actually. It was good seeing you, Jen. Bye, Beth.” Beth snorted a laugh as I just stared at Taylor’s retreating form in the mirror.

  “Where is she going?” Beth asked as she stood, hiking her pants up. I shook my head at my sister as I started to change out of the dress and place it on the hanger.

  “Back home, probably.” Beth squinted her eyes at me and at that moment I thought my sister was going to tell me to chase after her.

  “Okay. We can go now, too.” Beth started to grab the clothes in the dressing room as she walked out. I was still dumbfounded at what just occurred and then it dawned on me. Taylor still liked me. I still liked her and I had no clothes to even think about chasing after her.

  +++

  “Please tell me I’m doing the right thing.” I turned the ignition on and my car purred to life. The old Prius may not have been the sexiest car ever made, but it got me from point A to point B.

  “You’re doing the right thing.”

  I sighed at Dana through the phone and shook my head. I released the brake and turned off my car.

  “I don’t think I am. I can’t do this.”

  Dana hummed through the line and I hit my head on the horn. A beep sounded and it jolted me out of my depressive state.

  “I know you’re a little on edge right now but this was your idea, remember? And it’s a good one, Jen. No one knows more about what you’re going through.” I nodded silently and steeled my back. I turned on my car once again and backed up from the driveway.

  “What if she’s there?” I gripped my hands on the steer wheel, my knuckles turning white against the dark, worn leather.

  “She’s not.”

  “And you know this how, again?”

  Dana hummed again. “Because she’s in the kitchen right now talking to my mom.” I almost ran a red light as a car beeped behind me for stopping suddenly.

  “She’s there? With you?”

  “Yes. I told you I’d make sure her parents were free so you could talk with them.”

  I groaned again at my stupidity for coming up with this idea. I knew I couldn’t talk to Taylor, not yet at least, and no one else really knew what I was feeling. I knew that my future had detoured, and I was willing to at least try and take the first step.

  “Thanks,” I breathed out. I shook my head as the Knollwood estates came into my field of view. “I’m almost at their house.”

  “Don’t sound like you’re about to stand in front of a firing squad. They are nice people
.”

  Again I nodded my head.

  “And stop nodding your head and actually use your words when you’re with them.”

  I gulped and again nodded my head. Laughing to myself I thanked Dana, hung up with her and told her I would call her after.

  Maddie and B’s home was picturesque. I guess it was smaller than I would think it would be with two insanely crazy incomes but that just went to show the kind of people they were. I forced myself to get out of the car, made myself walk up the stairs to their door and knocked lightly.

  It was a few minutes before I decided to turn around and head home. It was stupid of me to even think that this would even work.

  “Jenny?” I flung my head back when the door opened to a concerned Maddie. My smile faltered and the woman tilted her head. It was amazing how much she looked like Taylor in that moment.

  “Hi, Mrs. Fields, I’m sorry if I’m bothering you.” I shuffled my feet as Maddie regarded me. Her smile widened as she shook her head.

  “Not at all, Jenny. But Taylor isn’t here. I think she said she would be with…”

  “Dana, yeah I know.” Maddie kept her eyes on me and nodded, opening the door wider to let me in. I thanked her and stepped inside to the foyer. The Montgomery-Fields’ home always felt so welcoming and I warmed with every followed step to the living room.

  “Why don’t you have a seat and I’ll bring out some drinks.” I smiled up at the woman and took a deep breath as I sat alone in the living room. My hands fidgeted at my sides and I placed them under my legs. I was nervous but I knew it was the only way I could gain some insight.

  “Do your parents know you’re here?” Maddie placed a glass of lemonade down at the table and I grabbed it. The cool glass made my skin shiver and I shook my head as I took a small sip.

  “Are you okay? You’re not in trouble are you?” I sputtered a little and I shook my head again.

  “No. I’m not. Well not like you think but I…”

  Maddie released a sigh and relaxed in the recliner across from me. “That’s good. I never know how to deal with things like that.” Maddie offered a genuine smile. “So, what can I do for you?” I glanced around the room, my eyes landing on the family picture of Maddie, B and a young Taylor. They looked so happy. So normal.

  “I wanted to ask you a question.” I looked down at the melting ice in my lemonade and closed my eyes. “If I feel…if I am…” I backtracked and finally looked up. “I want to tell my parents that I’m gay, and I don’t know how to do it.” Okay. It was out. I was also technically out as well.

  Maddie’s eyes softened as she sat forward in her chair. She opened her mouth to say something and then closed it, trying different words. “Well, that’s a tough one.” She furrowed her brows and then leaned forward.

  “Why don’t we start at the beginning.” I nodded my head. “How long have you known?”

  “I don’t know.” Maddie nodded her head and tried to rephrase the question.

  “When did you start feeling this way towards girls?”

  “A girl,” I supplied. My face warmed. Did she know it was her daughter?

  “Okay. So when did you start these feelings for this girl?”

  I took a deep breath in, trying my best to describe how I felt. “I guess I’ve always realized it but it wasn’t until last year that I really understood what it meant. And I tried to make it go away but it’s only grown. And I wasn’t ready before but think I am now. I just don’t want to hide it from my parents. Dana knows…and Taylor. It wasn’t easy to tell her but I know she wouldn’t have any issues because she’s bisexual. And before I ask her out I want my parents to know that I’m not lying to them.”

  I breathed out heavily as Maddie’s eyes widened.

  “Ask out Taylor? Or Dana? And who is bisexual?”

  Shit. Did I say that?

  “No, I mean. Yes? I’m sorry, this wasn’t supposed to happen this way.” I licked my lips as I eyed the door. My breaths were coming in spurts and I felt like I was going to pass out.

  “Jen, okay, just take a deep breath in and then out.” Maddie was at my side now as she rubbed my back in comfort. I breathed in with her and then out, my vision starting to clear.

  “I’m, sorry. I didn’t mean to out her too. She wants to tell you but she’s worried and…” I bit my tongue afraid that I was going to dig myself deeper hole.

  “Taylor’s gay?” I looked up at Maddie’s confused glare.

  “She is…a little.”

  “My daughter is a little gay?”

  I sighed as I realized this was not getting any better. “She’s bisexual. She likes boys, and girls.”

  I watched as Maddie considered this. She licked her lips and nodded her head in understanding. “And you are interested in my daughter.”

  That wasn’t a question but I nodded my head anyway.

  “And you want to date her?”

  “But not before I tell my parents. And also I guess, not before getting your blessing?”

  “Okay…” Maddie breathed out and I could see her filtering her thoughts. She would open her mouth to say something, then stop then open it again. I think I stumped her. “Let’s focus on you for a minute.”

  I nodded my head with an ‘okay’ and waited.

  “I know your parents very well, and I really don’t think they’d have an issue with you being gay, Jen. So, in that sense, I think you should tell them, when you’re ready, of course.”

  For some reason, Maddie telling me those words made me put my mind a little more at ease.

  “As for dating my daughter…that’s something I have to talk to B about.” Maddie bit her lip as she stared off into the distance. I was sure she was preparing something in her head to tell her wife about what I had said about Taylor.

  “Are you going to tell her that I outed her?” My voice was small and Maddie gave me a sincere smile.

  “I’m not going to say anything, Jen. I would rather Taylor wait until she is ready to tell us. I know she can’t be concerned of what we will think though.”

  “She’s not afraid of what you will say, rather the general public when they find out she isn’t exactly straight.” I bit my own lip and kept my eyes on the floor.

  “She’s scared that people are going to judge us.” Maddie shook her head. She looked frustrated and released a heavy sigh. “She should know not to care.”

  “It’s hard…not to care about that.” My voice had almost turned into a whisper and Maddie stood, placing her hand on my shoulder.

  “It is difficult. It’s something that I’ve been through, and also B, and it’s something you’ll go through as well. But people will always be offended about something. It’s what makes you happy that matters. I want you to remember that.”

  I let out a deep breath in understanding.

  “And I wouldn’t mind if you dated my daughter, Jen. And I’m sure that B wouldn’t either. Just, make sure it’s something you both want. Okay?”

  I whispered a ‘thank you’ to Maddie and we spoke for about an hour more on everything. I knew that I had to tell Taylor about me outing her but I didn’t know how to go about it. I figured, at least, that it was a reason to actually talk to her.

  A reason that I shouldn’t have to have, but it was an excuse none the less.

  And as I drove home, knowing that I had Maddie’s blessing and knowing that I wanted to actually date Taylor Montgomery-Fields, I felt as though the churning inside of me was easing a bit. Maybe, just maybe, Taylor wouldn’t mind dating a newly outed high school senior.

  +++

  “You told your parents…”

  Taylor placed her spoon down and sat back against the plastic chair. The evening had grown into a warm night and the lights of MaggieMoo’s Frozen Yogurt bathed her blonde hair in an ethereal glow.

  I had asked Taylor if she wanted to join me and Dana for desert that night, knowing full well that Dana wouldn’t be joining us. I didn’t want to ask her to come alone, because thi
s wasn’t a date. Not yet at least.

  “Yes. I couldn’t keep lying to them. They kept asking about Josh and that ‘date’ was months ago. We’re almost graduating, I’m eighteen and I figured it was time for me to come clean.” I spooned a small amount of now liquid yogurt in my mouth and waited for her to respond.

  “Wow. That’s huge. I take it they’re okay with it?”

  “Yes. Very okay, actually. Mom hugged me and Dad just said he wanted me to be happy. And then we all ate dinner and talked about it. It was very healthy.”

  Taylor nodded as she picked up her spoon and began eating her desert again.

  “There’s also something I need to tell you. And also ask you…” Taylor looked up at me while continuing to eat. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes.

  “I didn’t have anyone to ask advice about coming out…” I trailed off as Taylor continued to look at me, listening with no ill intent. “So I went over to your house…”

  “My house?” She placed her spoon down on the table and I knew it was the last bit that Taylor would take. These tables were gross and sticky.

  “Yes. I figured your parents would be able to give me some advice on how to do it.”

  “Okay. I can’t say there really isn’t anyone else better suited. What did they tell you?”

  “Well, I was only able to catch your mom, Maddie, so she was the one that gave me the advice.” She nodded her head telling me to continue. “And she was really sweet and she helped me work out a lot of the confusion I was having…”

  “Confusion about what?”

  I held up my hand. “I’ll totally get to that part, I swear.” When Taylor stayed silent I continued. “But you should know something that also came out in our discussion.” Oh no. Here goes my mouth. “I mean…not to use that as a pun or anything. I didn’t really mean to say it but it just happened and I…”

  “Jen…what did you tell my mom?”

  I couldn’t tell if Taylor was angry but her face was now growing a deep red.

  “I accidentally outed you to her.” Taylor gasped. I winced and tried to explain. “It really was an accident.”