The Suicide King

by Vanessa Marie

  "I don't know. I don't have a reasonable explanation. But I don't think I need one either. I've been skittish around men for most of my life because of what Andres did, but for some reason, from the second Officer King came to the door, I had this feeling deep in my gut he was going to help me. I knew he was safe. I'm not saying the medics weren't. But something told me when I ran to open the door and collapsed into his arms, he was my salvation. I'll never forget what he said in the back of that ambulance either. I was having a panic attack, and he was talking me down. He flat-out told me, 'I can't be the one to save you. In these situations, there is no white knight. No guardian angel who swoops down and saves the day. There is no red easy button. But I can give you the tools to help you save yourself. I can introduce you to the right people to help you stand on your own two feet. Under your own power. Your own choice. Without someone else dictating your every breath. It's not going to be an easy or fun road, but I don't think you've ever lived either one. This is completely your choice, but if you want help, I will help you. If you don't, then I guarantee we will be seeing each other again, under circumstances like this or worse.' He stayed back there with me until I was calm enough for them to transfer me."

  Giselle propped her hand under her chin. "Do you ever think he was too harsh? The way they're trying to portray him? This harsh, unfeeling, uncaring cop?"

  "His brutal honesty was what I needed and what I was finally ready for. Before that, no one had ever offered me real help. They'd condemned me. They'd victim-shamed me. Instead, he turned it around to give me choices. To put the power back in my hands. He told me he couldn't save me but could help me save myself. That is what gave me the strength to press charges. That is what gave me the motivation to know he wasn't going to be my white knight. I had to become my own in order to save myself and my kids. I'd been conditioned my entire life to feel worthless and useless and like I could never do anything for myself. And for this man, this officer, to give me that on my worst day… It gave me something I'd never had before."

  "Trust?"

  Nina laid her hands over her chest. "Hope. He helped me become who I am today. That night, he locked up Andres. When I got to the hospital, he arrived right behind the ambulance. He told me he'd called a friend of his that ran a shelter for abused women. When you came and sat with me…and told me you could be my advocate while they administered my rape kit if I wanted one, those words meant everything. Through every step you both helped me. I remember my face was so busted, I could barely see out of it, let alone talk."

  "Andres did a number on you. That was for sure."

  Both women blanched at their memories.

  My stomach turned at the memory. Her face looked like that animal had attacked her with a baseball bat instead of his fists. I'd seen a lot of domestics, but that was probably the worst I'd ever seen. He'd shattered her eye socket, broken half a dozen ribs, dislocated her shoulder, and broken her wrist. She had a concussion from the blow to her face, and they'd found evidence of others that hadn't been documented from previous beatings. All because she'd told him, "In a minute." He'd admitted everything he'd done. His exact words rang in my ears. "That bitch deserved it. She doesn't get to tell me to wait. I take what I want. Her job is to obey. She didn't, so she got beat." His laugh was bone-chilling. Assholes like him deserved a cold place in hell. After dredging up those memories, I looked to Luke. "Please tell me that's where they end up?"

  "Oh they do. And they get theirs, don't you worry." The look he gave me was eerie. I was almost positive he had heard every thought I'd just had.

  Luke winked.

  The hair on my arms stood on end as a chill rocked my entire body.

  Nina didn't deserve anything that had happened to her. No one did. It took every ounce of self-control to not bounce Andres's face off the concrete a few times while loading him into the back of the cruiser. To give him just a taste of what he'd done to her, but I wasn't the judge, the jury, or the executioner. My job was to make sure they got to the court and their job was to make sure he was locked up for good. What the idiot didn't know was he'd confessed on my body cam.

  "Did you know Officer King came to every court appearance? The ones he had to be at, obviously, but even the ones he didn't? I always saw him in the back of the courtroom. I never got a chance to talk to him because he'd always slip out before it was done, but the silent support meant a lot." Nina dabbed at her eyes with a tissue.

  Giselle's lips parted into a small smile. "That doesn't surprise me at all. I don't think I've ever told you this, but before you got out of the hospital, he came to see me. He told me he wasn't sure what it would take to help you get back on your feet, but he felt a pull to help you. So he opened his wallet and pulled out a wad of cash to donate toward your needs."

  Nina gasped. "He was the anonymous donor?"

  "He never wanted you to know." Giselle's bottom lip quivered.

  "I can't believe this. He gave me a new start." Nina's eyes were wide as she covered her mouth.

  Luke looked to me and shook his head. "If only you'd stayed and continued to make decisions like these. Things could have been so different for you. So much unfinished business and paths left untaken."

  I didn't know what to say to any of this. Or how to process it. So I didn't. I kept quiet while everything inside me reeled from the whirlwind of emotions.

  We disappeared as quickly as we'd arrived.

  13

  I didn't know about other people, but I thought at some point in everyone's life they have, at the very least, a passing thought of their funeral. And if they said they hadn't, they were either a liar or just not as morbid as I was. Or maybe the difference was they hadn't suffered. It seemed like those who had suffered at some point in their lives had faced their mortality. Then again when a person thought about life and death as much as I had, I'd say the funeral sat at the forefront of my mind a lot. So I did always wonder what mine would look like. In the beginning, I used to wonder how many people would show up. If they would say nice things and if they would be sad I was gone. At the end, I knew no one would give a shit, and I highly doubted anyone would be there.

  So to see hundreds of people packed into the church, waiting in line to view my body and to greet my family humbled me in a way I never knew was possible.

  I'd been wrong.

  Clarity was a bitch.

  As soon as I saw her in line, I stiffened and my knees threatened to buckle beneath me.

  Luke actually reached out to support me before I fell to the floor. "Do you know who that is?"

  He gave a solemn nod. "I know exactly who she is."

  We stood there in silence as she approached my wife slowly, and I waited for the impact to happen. I never thought this day would ever happen. Especially today of all days. They knew about each other. I'd told them both about the other.

  "I don't think I can watch this." I tried to turn away. To run. To get as far away from this as I could, but Luke kept me rooted to the spot. Like he knew what was about to unfold in front of us.

  They stood in front of each other, one hesitant, chewing on her lip and on guard while twisting her hands… The other's eyes wide with recognition. "I doubt you know who I am, but I wanted to tell you something that I fear I waited too long to say. I wanted to tell you…thank you."

  Maggie cocked her head to the side slightly. "I'm sorry, for what?"

  "Your husband… He…he risked his life trying to save my son, Adam."

  My wife sucked in a ragged breath at the name. She knew that name. She knew it well. The recognition reflected in her eyes, and she searched June McGee's face in a new way.

  June clasped her hands over Maggie's the way only two women who had both suffered loss could and shared a knowing look.

  "I want you to know that I am grateful for everything Jason did that night. He raced into that lake, not waiting for backup. Not waiting for a squad. Or for anyone. He saw me panicking in the water, trying desperately to find my son, and he ran
in, gun belt, boots, radio, and all. He could have drowned himself…"

  June sniffed and looked up, trying her best to fight the tears. My body shook violently from the memories colliding into me while I tried not to get sucked into my own mind. Maggie nibbled on her bottom lip while it quivered.

  "I need you to know that he didn't quit looking until he found him. He didn't quit giving him CPR until he was pulled off of him. He never gave up on us. Nothing he could have done would have changed the outcome. I know that, and I hope he knew that. I don't blame him. I don't blame anyone."

  Maggie's ragged sob echoed into the room as her shoulders shook.

  June pulled my wife into her, and they held on to each other like they were each other's life support. "I never blamed Jason. It was never his fault. I need you to know that. Because I was too far in my grief at the time to tell him myself."

  My body shook harder. Tears cascading down my face. Bile burning the back of my throat. How I was feeling all these sensations as a dead man, I couldn't comprehend. Probably Luke and his asshole voodoo. The eight-year-old kid with the bright future had to be right in front of me, but I couldn't see him because the water was too dark, plus my gear kept pulling me under. The kid I couldn't save. The one I'd always blamed myself for. The mother I couldn't face after. The guilt that ate at me for years. The nightmares that followed. All of it came crashing back.

  The chaotic night the kid was supposed to be down the road at a friend's house, and when his mom realized he'd forgotten to take his evening meds, she stopped by. Then all the parents realized the boys had sneaked down to the lake behind the house. The lake they'd gone to on a dare. The one he'd never learned to swim in because his mother was a single mom working hard to support him in every other way possible, and he didn't like deep water.

  June's voice brought me back. "Did you know he stayed with me?"

  "He stayed?"

  She nodded, her lips quivering. "Until I was ready to leave. I don't know how much time passed. A lot of that night was a blur. All the interviews and the neighbors and their kids, it was a lot of chaos but everything about Jason I remember. We were both soaking wet and chilled to the bone in those stupid, scratchy, horrible blankets that couldn't warm a witch's tit."

  Maggie snorted, causing June to laugh.

  They were still hanging on to each other while they talked.

  "He told me all about you that night. He just talked. I think he knew I just needed someone to say something about anything other than what just happened. I was broken. My entire world had just crumbled at my feet and nothing else made sense. I was so numb to everything going on around me, so he told me all about you and your daughter, Grace."

  "Sounds like something he'd do."

  "He was a good man. But I could also tell he was fighting demons of his own by the haunted look in his eyes. I know because my ex-husband has the same look in his eyes. I just wish I would have told Jason I didn't blame him for what happened because this demon wasn't his burden to carry too. I know God has our boys now."

  Maggie pulled her tight and held her close like they'd known each other for years. And I guessed in a roundabout way, they had.

  "She's wrong about that one," I muttered as Luke's bear paw of a hand collided with the back of my head.

  "Show some respect. She's not wrong about all of it. She's not wrong about her son."

  I was getting sick and tired of this asshole demigod manhandling me, but I knew there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it.

  "Thank you. Thank you for coming today." Maggie paused, choking up…fanning her face and gathering her thoughts. "For telling me this. I know you've suffered in a way I can never understand, and I know I don't know what it's like to lose a child. I'm sure it's taken years to get to this point…so from the bottom of my heart, thank you for the gift of telling me how you feel. Because even if Jason didn't get to hear it himself, I just feel like maybe somehow, some way, he will get to hear it through me. I know that sounds so stupid."

  June gently rubbed Maggie's biceps. "That's not stupid at all. And it has taken me years to get here. I'll never get over what happened, I'll never stop grieving, and I'll never stop being a mother. If people think you can move on after something like this, well, there is no moving on. You just figure out what's after. There was your life before and then there comes a point when you start to pick up the pieces and there's the after. I'm in the after, and I may never be whole again, but I think I'm going to be okay. And you will be too."

  "She's more right than she'll ever know. Did you know this was going to happen?" Luke pinned me with his glare like I was the biggest idiot on earth.

  Maggie's voice cracked. "It helps knowing other people saw him the way we did. Thank you for seeing the good. For seeing the real Jason."

  Her shoulders shook as she broke down yet again.

  I never thought she cared what I did. When I came home. Or if I came home the next morning. Things with us felt so broken. It was easy to drink to forget. To stay in that space where I didn't have to feel and could turn off the noise. I never knew any of this would hit her this hard. I really figured once I was out of the way, all the things that annoyed her about me would be gone, and she could move on with her life. June never blamed me for not saving Adam. I always thought she had. My wife loved me. Still loved me. She told me she did every day, but I never believed it. All of this…nothing is like I thought it would be.

  14

  If I'd heard it once, I'd heard it a thousand times. "I'd like to be a fly on the wall at my own funeral. Hear what people really thought about me. See who showed up and who didn't. Blah, blah, blah." No. They really didn't. This was another version of hell on earth I wasn't aware existed until now. It was too much. All of it was too much. I wiped my clammy palms on the wrinkled denim of my jeans.

  Every pew was packed. Every seat taken. Standing room only in the back. I didn't even realize I knew this many people, let alone they'd take the time out of their day to come to my funeral. The closed casket sat in the front of the room. Grace was slumped into a chair next to my mom. My child's arms were wrapped around her Mimi’s waist as my mom stroked her hair.

  I closed my eyes and tried to remember how good it felt to have her fingers stroke the top of my head. It was always so soothing. No matter how old I got, when I'd fall asleep on her couch, she'd run her fingers through my hair. It was a calm I'd never feel again. The only thing I felt now was anxiety growing in my chest. My gaze flew to Frank as he walked up to the podium next to the blown-up picture of my face, next to my flag-covered casket. The hundreds of low conversations came to an end as a hush fell over the room.

  "Jason and I have been trying to one-up each other for as long as I can remember. I knew we were destined to be best friends when he told a kid who was messing with me on the playground to pick on someone his own size. But at that time, Jason was half a head shorter than me and half the size of our tormentor. I figured he was either really brave or really stupid. Time showed me it was the latter."

  Laughter filled the space, and I couldn't help but chuckle along with him, the memories slamming into me from our childhood.

  "As time went on, one of us couldn't do something without trying to best the other. He tried out for football and made JV. I had to one-up him and go for varsity. I ran for student council. He became student body president. Always a competition, but we pushed each other to be our best. We both knew from about fifth grade we wanted to be cops.

  "They did a canine demo at our DARE graduation, and we both looked at each other and knew that would be our future. I'd be the handler, and Jason, the dog."

  The room filled with laughter again.

  "When we went to college, my wife, Anette, did our homework. It's no shock to anyone why our grades were so good. He met Maggie and then we got into the police academy together. Everything was going according to our plan. Only everyone here who wears a uniform knows nothing in the job ever goes according to any kind of plan. There
are things you're taught in a classroom. There are things you're taught in a textbook. But nothing can prepare you for what you witness and experience once you hit the road.

  "Most of us will always remember the ways Jason loved to joke around at roll call and make fun of everyone. He was the practical joker of the bunch. Just so you're all aware, I taught him everything he knows. If he ever said your real name, something was wrong. His nicknames were a rite of passage for everyone. Isn't that right, Frankenweenie?" Frank lifted his chin in the direction of Frankenweenie, who smiled as all the heads turned in his direction.

  "None of us really know how he chose the name. If Jason saw his junk in the locker room and if it's deformed, or if it's because his last name should have been Weiner. I'm going to spread the rumor of the former. It's what Jason would have wanted. Sorry, Weinstein."

  I looked directly at Joel Weinstein, whom I had never referred to as anything other than Frankenweenie from the day he'd called me out about not getting a name. He was drying his eyes. I'd told him nicknames couldn't be forced, they just had to come to you. So I decided to torture him and give him the worst one. He never cared. He said if it came from me, he'd take what he could get.

  "Jason one-upped me once again when he told me Maggie was pregnant. I was so happy I was going to be an uncle and teach his kid every inappropriate thing I could think of. I know for a lot of us we tend to call many of our friends 'uncle' to our kids. It must be a cop thing. But I was the real one. Grace's first word was a shock to everyone but me. You wouldn't believe how hard it was to train that kid to say shit. But the call I got from Jason, yelling at me, telling me we were both dead men was one of the best moments of my life. If I was going down, I was taking him with me."

  He was right. We got in so much trouble. Maggie was pissed. But when you heard a ten-month-old saying shit when she stood up and then fell over, you really couldn't stay mad.