by Leanne Davis
Damion just keeps her in his arms.
Everyone else watches the parade of bridesmaids but I stare at the father and daughter. They command my attention and heart. I’m entranced. Charmed. And jealous.
I shake off the thought. I’m not jealous of them being together, I’m jealous because I won’t play a part in their lives anymore. My arms ache to hold the little girl that is weighing Damion’s arms down. The cloned replica of my best friend. The little cherub who grew inside my best friend. Now, I realize I should never have given Dayshia up for a singular mistake. That is crystal clear to me now.
Even though Damion and I agreed we couldn’t stay away from each other, and it was inappropriately too soon to have sex, I should never have allowed our adult mistakes and weaknesses to keep me away from the little girl I loved. Especially when I have so few to love. Love is a rare, beautiful gem that I should polish and keep close to my heart, not lock it away in a safe to make sure no one steals it.
Jolted from my desperate longing for Dayshia and maybe, Damion too, I hear the sweet notes of the wedding march and jump to my feet. All heads turn to the back of the church to watch Claudia walking with her father, Tristan. I express a special cheer in my heart. She does look beautiful. Devon’s grin is so wide, I swear he’s going to strain his facial muscles. Claudia’s utterly glorious in the heart-shaped bodice that accentuates her modest breasts. The lace around her shoulders is the most delicate in a soft white design. Her dress flares from her waist, which it accentuates by dipping sharply in and covering her hips. She still groans in dismay over them, no matter how much we train; we’re still working on that. But the dress is what oddly ties us together… us, as in now. New friends.
My heart warms. I’m tired of hurting. Glancing at Claudia I feel new things, including hope. Then I see Dayshia and remember the old hurts and hardships and the one who pulled me through it all. I sigh. I guess guilt doesn’t matter here. Ireena was taken from me, from us, too soon. There is no conflict now. Ireena’s dead and I can be friends with Claudia without causing any pain.
Hell, I can sleep with Damion too and it can’t really hurt anyone. Even if my guilt won’t let me.
Finally, we all sit. It’s a lovely ceremony and I listen to the scriptures and a few poems of love and faith and joy as the songs are played. They hold hands and exchange vows, their love glowing in their gazes. Their love is like an energy field around them.
I want that.
I shake my head to dislodge the fanciful thoughts. I’ve gone to lots of weddings, for people I work with and friends I used to be close to in college. But I never sat through them wishing I were the pretty, starry-eyed bride. Never. For the first time, I can see love as a manifestation beyond this day in Claudia and Devon together.
Or is it because Claudia is staring into a face that I might still have feelings for? Mine, however, are reserved for his twin.
I spend half the wedding just watching Damion. Yes. I do. I admit it. It’s hard for me not to. He smiles with fondness, humor or joy, depending on the moment and the words being said. I feel like I reflect his expressions. A year seems like one hour. I can feel his presence in the nerve endings of my toes, yet he hasn’t even seen me yet.
I doubt he’s been chastely longing for me.
The ceremony ends and an avalanche of smiles, cheers and applause follows them as, flushed and glorious, and almost running with joy, they rush down the aisle and go out to the atrium of the church. How different from Ireena’s damn funeral. Marrying, burying, worshipping; it’s odd and interesting to watch how it’s all connected. I wait for most of the crowd to disperse. Damion and Dayshia are right behind the happy couple. I slip out the side door again, away from everyone. I’m glad I came and it lifts my heart, but I see no reason to stay for the reception. I don’t want to talk to people who mostly hated Ireena, and yet she is how I am connected to these people. I’m over being sorry for Ireena’s behavior and for how deeply I loved her.
I’m out in the parking lot, heading for my car. It’s small, blue and economical. Grabbing the door handle, a hand suddenly grasps my arm. Startled, my heart climbs into my throat when I flip around and let out a small exclamation before I deflate. Damion.
Damion grabbed me.
He smiles down at me and I blink up at him. I am annoyed to become the clichéd female turned mute by male brilliance… shit. If I’m not exactly that. The sun beams over him like a halo, outlining his dark head of hair and his tuxedo-clad body, the baby girl now sound asleep on his shoulder.
“Sorry to startle you but I couldn’t call your name without waking Dayshia. She fell asleep despite the noise of all the well-wishers. Then I looked up and saw you leaving. Why are you leaving so soon, Kaeja? Without even saying hello?”
I press a hand on my chest, wishing I could slow my rapidly beating heart. “I… I just couldn’t be in there. I know it’s been so long, but it just brought up so much… including her. And everyone else is connected to you guys, not Ireena. I’m only here because of my connection to her.”
“Ireena. Yeah, it was a blow to my gut the first time I walked in there. I haven’t come to church since her funeral. My mom was often a ball-buster in her efforts to get me to go, but it made my stomach twist until I wanted to hurl when I’d picture being here that way. The pain is what I remember…”
“Yeah.”
“I got to sit in there before all this happened. And it helped. I like replacing it with Devon’s and Claudia’s smiles… I think it might be okay to come back to church now. But what are you doing? Are you really leaving without even saying hello to me?”
I stare up at him and feel overwhelmed. The smell of him… I want to close my eyes and just inhale. What is that smell? What do I smell? Like vanilla but slightly less strong or distinct. I could bathe myself in it, and drown in it. I could freaking lick it off his skin. I shake my head and make myself smile pleasantly. “It wasn’t personal.”
He squints his eyes at me and frowns. “It should be.”
I press my lips together and my stomach somersaults at his deep, suggestive tone. Oh crap, it is too personal. It has been every time we interact, ever since Ireena. Maybe before, I just never gave it steam. I don’t know. I try to pretend that isn’t the case, but I just don’t know for sure.
“How is it not personal, Kaeja? Why would you not say hello to me?”
“It’s been a year. Ireena. Us.” I list the reasons. Bolder than my thumping heart feels.
“A year, Ireena and yeah, us. Exactly why you should say hello to me. Aren’t you friends with Claudia now?”
“Yes. She told you that?”
“She told me all about what you do together, how you encourage her to feel and think about herself, and she said you saved her wedding. It’s pretty remarkable what she thinks of you. So yeah, I know that. But more than that, I know you. Why would you run from me?”
“I just didn’t want to go back to what happened that day.”
“I agree. But we… we just were. Right? Friends. Whatever word you want to describe it. We just were and honestly? The moment I saw you in that church, I knew we should have never let it go.”
“But we did. And now it’s awkward and I just don’t want to feel awkward or uncomfortable or weird anymore, Damion. I’ve worked so hard to move past that feeling and I can’t go back to it.”
He scowls and then nods. “What about her?”
My face must show my melting resolution and heart. I tilt my head and stare at the back of Dayshia’s head. The tiny braids and woven white threads through it. “She’s Ireena’s clone, did you know that? She’s so much her mother.”
He nods. “I’ve seen the pictures. She does things that remind me of Ireena. A tilt of her head when she’s annoyed or mad. She’s been sorta slow to talk. Too slow. But her vocabulary is getting bigger every day.”
I reach out and run a hand over her back, and the satiny material of her dress feels soft to my touch. I smile and close my eyes. �
�I missed her.”
“You can’t just leave. Not after all this time. I was counting on seeing you.”
“You were?”
“Weren’t you?”
“I was kind of dreading it.”
“Why? Because of how we left things?”
“Duh.”
He glances around. “I don’t. It might have been strange timing in anyone else’s opinion but it wasn’t to me. It might have even saved my sanity then.”
“Every girl’s dream to do for a man.”
He shakes his head. “Was I a dream? For you? That’s not what you said then.”
Absence makes it more intense? I don’t know. But I feel his presence as sharply as I did that night, and it has nothing to do with Ireena.
He reaches out and takes my hand. “Hey, why don’t you come in? I have to make a speech and all that, and then come over. See Dayshia when she’s awake. See me too. We can’t go another year. We have to fix this.”
“Fix what?”
“Us. Friends. Whatever we are.”
Is he for real? But he did pursue me. And he’s right, I’m making this much more than it is. “Okay, I’ll come in.”
I attend the reception I tried to avoid. But it isn’t as much about Ireena as I feared. I see Devon and Claudia and all her friends that are now my clients. Perhaps I underestimated how many of them now know me for my own merit and it has nothing to do with Ireena. I’m kind of a rock star with the women who agree that skinny is not the total thing. And wow, do they all talk me up. I notice Damion grinning a few times when overhearing them. I roll my eyes and motion him to save me but he just smirks and refuses.
I talk to Devon and Damion until Dayshia wakes from her nap on her dad. My heart swells at seeing her. That smile. The confusion. The solemnity. She isn’t the happy-go-lucky, go with the flow kind of toddler like many kids her age. She’s scowling, wrapping her arms around Damion and seldom smiling at anyone who tries to get her to talk. She glares at them or burrows into her dad. I don’t think it’s shyness. It’s more like surliness. She has no desire to be coddled or talked to. She isn’t interested in anyone.
I walk up to her and kneel at her level. She looks everywhere but at me. “Hey, Dayshia. My name is Kaeja. I knew and loved your mama. I know she loved you.”
Dayshia’s head whips up and she looks me over at the word mama. She nods and sticks her first and second finger together into her mouth and watches me somberly after that. She doesn’t particularly want me, but at least she isn’t rejecting me.
Damion says the first toast to his brother and Claudia, making most people’s eyes damp at his words. Mine included. Seeing how far the brothers have come, I am impressed by the genuine fondness, care, and comradery between them again. It’s for real now. They hug and smile and then he kisses Claudia on the cheek. The intimacy they all share is enough to stoke empathetic feelings from the entire room.
The dancing starts and I enjoy watching it. Yeah, it isn’t as traumatic as I thought. No one mentions Ireena or that I’m connected to her.
Chet and Chloe take Dayshia home when she grows cranky and fussy. Damion flinches when she has a meltdown over leaving without him. He hugs her and tries to shush her by patting her head and reassuring her. Finally, he and his parents walk her out and he’s gone for a long while. Is he saying goodbye? Or getting her to quit screaming? Not an easygoing toddler from what I’ve witnessed.
He comes back in and, to my surprise, flops down on the chair next to me. He sprawls his long legs out before him, and his foot touches my ankle. I stare at his big feet near me. His pants ride up and show off dark socks and all I can think of is how much space he takes up. Not just physical space but even the oxygen all around me. I can’t breathe fully now. I seem to reject the air and I’m feeling all stupid-breathless. What the hell? I don’t get breathless. Not from a guy I’ve known for six years.
I glance his way. I’ve known him in all kinds of ways, deeper and darker than I’ve known almost anyone. Sitting here at a wedding together is startling and crazy.
“Dayshia overwhelmed?”
“Yeah.” He leans back in the chair that’s too small for him and folds his arms over his chest. “She can get surly when she’s over-tired and over-stimulated. It gets to be too much for her.”
“You and Devon have really bridged the divide, huh? Your best man speech was… well, I teared up and cried. Knowing where you were…”
“…And where we are.” He glances my way. “That’s what I was trying to say about you and me. We could get to a new place. I think it’s stupid to pretend we don’t have a connection. I want one with you, Kaeja. I want you to know Dayshia and for her to know you. And all that positive stuff you provide for women… well, I’m raising a little girl, she’ll need that too, huh?”
I shift, uncomfortable with the credit. “It’s not a thing. The woman positivity stuff. They are exaggerating what I do and say. Claudia thinks I’m a hero when I’m just rephrasing what she already knows, stuff anyone could find on the internet and say.”
“Except when you say it, it’s true and real and it feels solid. Just like you used to do for me. I can understand their connection to you and why they trust you. You’re that kind of soul, Kaeja. Deep. Serious, but connected. When someone is with you, you can see into them and know what they feel, no matter what it is, no matter if it’s right or wrong or dark, you are okay with it. In fact, you’re supportive of it. It’s like you can handle it, which makes the other person better equipped to handle it.”
Stunned, I gape at him. He chuckles and adds, “You just found a way to profit from it.”
I slap his leg. “They begged to pay me. I didn’t even want to accept their money. I don’t charge Claudia, but when so many…”
He shifts forward and laughs as he pats my thigh. “Business boomed?”
Annoyed, I frown at him. “Yeah, yes. Fine. Business is good.”
I’m scowling and mumbling at him and his gaze hangs on me. His eyeballs dart up to the top of my hair which I have slicked back. He follows the slope of my forehead to my small button nose and my red-painted lips, going down to my long, exposed neck with a chunky necklace that sits in the V created by my dress. Gold hoops swing from my ears as I turn my head. His eyes feel like X-rays beaming over me.
“Business booms because you look amazing and it’s so much more than how you dress or wear your hair or your figure… all of which are smoking hot, don’t get me wrong.” Surprised, I have a startled look. He grins and I feel it deep inside my inner core; my clit and pussy are clenching now, where my heart was earlier. I grow hot from the undivided attention and the look in his eyes. He continues, “What they see is an inner light inside you that comes from your soul. It’s steady and unwavering. It doesn’t brighten too sharply or dim too low, it’s constant and it’s always there. You are always there for those you care about. As you were for Ireena. No matter what. And then for me. And now Claudia gets to luxuriate in it. Of course, she brags about you and everyone else who gets near you realizes your gift. I think it’s brilliant. And you found a way to get paid for it.”
Okay, now warmth gushes into all my body parts. What? He saw all that in me? It’s a way I’ve never been described. I never expected a guy… especially one like Damion, who never so much as glanced at a textbook, or a line of poetry, or a work of art, or yoga class would say about me.
There was no spirituality to him that I ever witnessed. Now, he’s talking of inner light and steadiness beyond my tits and ass? Not what I expected from Damion. My thunderstruck expression must convey my surprise, for he now squirms and grumbles. “Why the shock? I told you I didn’t hit on Ireena and then love her because she was the most beautiful, hot woman in any room. She was, but her fire and fierceness are what drew me. She could carry herself in ways I was never comfortable doing. I found it so sexy and appealing. Well, I found your inner strength, and this desirable thing you do for people, just as sexy and appealing. You give them co
mfort and calm just by speaking and being present beside them. I can be deeper now, even if I still like big tits. That’s what you thought of me, right? At first?” He tilts his forehead towards me, raising his eyebrows knowingly.
I duck my head. “Maybe.” Then I let out a small laugh. “Yes. I didn’t realize you knew that.”
He grins and we stare at each other. The years and Ireena’s death and disparity and confusion all disappear and for the first time in our relationship, in our connection to her, it is just us. We are smiling at each other. With ease. With joy. And almost flirting.
He laughs too. “Okay, if you heard me working on the docks, there was time I was… well not exactly how you’d like me. I’m not proud of that.”
“Let me guess, now that you have a daughter, you see women as people too.”
He cringes. “There is no good answer to that. How about, I was young then and a dick and cocky and I was wrong. I’m not like that anymore and I’m sorry for it. Does that work at all?”
“Yeah.” I bite my lip to keep in the giggle. God, when do I feel the urge to giggle?
He suddenly bolts upright, startling me as I glance up at him. His hand is out towards me, palm up. “Dance with me?”
Dance with him? Us? I blink stupidly at him as if I can’t comprehend his question.
“Kaeja?”
I rise to my feet and set my hand to his. “Okay.”
He pulls me to the dance floor. In the center, Claudia is gazing up with a blooming face of joy at Devon. Older couples join them. Damion turns towards me and stops and pulls me into his arms. His hands encircle my waist, hot enough to singe me as they heat my skin through the fabric of my dress. I set my arms around his neck and we stare at each other, closely touching. His scent wafts through my nostrils and straight into my gut to make me shake from nerves again.