In Persuasion Nation

by George Saunders

  By the middle of Day 3, all of the animals in the 500 mg/kg/day group had succumbed. Pre-death, these showed, in addition to the effects noted above, symptoms ranging from whimpering to performing a rolling dementia-type motion on the cage floor, sometimes accompanied by shrieking or frothing. After succumbing, all five animals were removed from the enclosure and necropsied. Renal failure was seen to be the cause of death in all cases. Interestingly, these animals did not enter a catatonic state pre-death, but instead appeared to be quite alert, manifesting labored breathing and, in some cases, bursts of energetic rope-climbing. Coordination was adjudged to be adversely affected, based on the higher-than-normal frequency of falls from the rope. Post-fall reactions ranged from no reaction to frustration reactions, with or without self-punishment behaviors (i.e., self-hitting, self-hair-pulling, rapid shakes of head).

  Toward the end of Day 3, all animals in the two lowest dose groups (250 and 100 mg/kg/day) were observed to be in some form of distress. Some of these had lapsed into a catatonic state; some refused to take food; many had runny brightly colored stools; some sat eating their stool while intermittently shrieking.

  Animals 93852, 93881, and 93777, of the 250 mg/kg/day group, in the last hours before death, appeared to experience a brief period of invigoration and renewed activity, exhibiting symptoms of anxiety, as well as lurching, confusion, and scratching at the eyes with the fingers. These animals were seen to repeatedly walk or run into the cage bars, after which they would become agitated. Blindness or partial blindness was indicated. When brightly colored flags were waved in front of these animals, some failed to respond, while others responded by flinging stool at the handlers.

  By noon on Day 4, all of the animals in the 250 mg/kg/day group had succumbed, been removed from the enclosure, and necropsied. In every case the cause of death was seen to be renal failure.

  By the end of Day 4, only the five 100 mg/kg/day animals remained, along with the aforementioned very resilient diminutive male in the highest dose group (93990), who continued to manifest no symptoms whatsoever. This animal continued to show no vomiting, retching, nausea, disorientation, loss of motor skills, or any of the other symptoms described above. This animal continued to move about the enclosure normally and ingest normal amounts of food and water and in fact was seen to have experienced a slight weight gain and climbed the rope repeatedly with good authority.

  On Day 5, animal 93444 of the 100 mg/kg/day group was observed to have entered the moribund state. Because of its greatly weakened condition, this animal was not redosed in the morning. Instead, it was removed from the enclosure, sacrificed moribund, and necropsied. Renal failure was seen to be the cause of death. Animal 93887 (100 mg/kg/day group) was seen to repeatedly keel over on one side while wincing. This animal succumbed at 1300 hrs on Day 5, was removed from the enclosure, and necropsied. Renal failure was seen to be the cause of death. Between 1500 hrs on Day 5 and 2000 hrs on Day 5, animals 93254 and 93006 of the 100 mg/kg/day dose group succumbed in rapid succession while huddled in the NW cornet of the large enclosure. Both animals exhibited wheezing and rapid clutching and release of the genitals. These two animals were removed from the enclosure and necropsied. In both cases the cause of death was seen to be renal failure.

  This left only animal 93555 of the 100 mg/kg/day dose group and animal 93990, the diminutive male of the highest dose group. 93555 exhibited nearly all of the aforementioned symptoms, along with, toward the end of Day 5, several episodes during which it inflicted scratches and contusions on its own neck and face by attempting to spasmodically reach for something beyond the enclosure. This animal also manifested several episodes of quick spinning. Several of these quick-spinning episodes culminated in sudden hard falling. In two cases, the sudden hard fall was seen to result in tooth loss. In one of the cases of tooth loss, the animal was seen to exhibit the suite of aggressive behaviors earlier exhibited toward the hair bundles. In addition, in this case, the animal, after a prolonged period of snarling at its tooth, was observed to attack and ingest its own tooth. It was judged that, if these behaviors continued into Day 6, for humanitarian reasons, the animal would be sacrificed, but just after 2300 hrs, the animal discontinued these behaviors and only sat listlessly in its own stool with occasional writhing and therefore was not sacrificed due to this improvement in its condition.

  By 1200 hrs of Day 5, the diminutive male 93990 still exhibited no symptoms. He was observed to be sitting in the SE corner of the enclosure, staring fixedly at the cage door. This condition was at first mistaken to be indicative of early catatonia but when a metal pole was inserted and a poke attempted, the animal responded by lurching away with shrieking, which was judged normal. It was also noted that 93990 occasionally seemed to be staring at and/or gesturing to the low-dose enclosure, i.e., the enclosure in which 93555 was still sitting listlessly in its own stool occasionally writhing. By the end of Day 5, 93990 still manifested no symptoms and in fact was observed to heartily eat the proffered food and weighing at midday Day 6 confirmed further weight gain. Also it climbed the rope. Also at times it seemed to implore. This imploring was judged to be, possibly, a mild hallucinogenic effect. This imploring resulted in involuntary laughter on the part of the handlers, which resulted in the animal discontinuing the imploring behavior and retreating to the NW corner where it sat for quite some time with its back to the handlers. It was decided that, in the future, handlers would refrain from laughing at the imploring, so as to be able to obtain a more objective idea of the duration of the (unimpeded) imploring.

  Following dosing on the morning of Day 6, the last remaining low-dose animal (93555), the animal that earlier had attacked and ingested its own tooth, then sat for quite some time writhing in its own stool listlessly, succumbed, after an episode that included, in addition to many of the aforementioned symptoms, tearing at its own eyes and flesh and, finally, quiet heaving breathing while squatting. This animal, following a limited episode of eyes rolling back in its head, entered the moribund state, succumbed, and was necropsied. Cause of death was seen to be renal failure. As 93555 was removed from the enclosure, 93990 was seen to sit quietly, then retreat to the rear of the enclosure, that is, the portion of the enclosure farthest from the door, where it squatted on its haunches. Soon it was observed to rise and move toward its food bowl and eat heartily while continuing to look at the door.

  Following dosing on Day 7, animal 93990, now the sole remaining animal, continued to show no symptoms and ate and drank vigorously.

  Following dosing on Day 8, likewise, this animal continued to show no symptoms and ate and drank vigorously.

  On Day 9, it was decided to test the effects of extremely high doses of Borazadine by doubling the dosage, to 20,000 mg/kg/day. This increased dosage was administered intravenously on the morning of Day 9. No acute effects were seen. The animal continued to move around its cage and ear and drink normally. It was observed to continue to stare at the door of the cage and occasionally at the other, now-empty, enclosures. Also the rope-climbing did not decrease. A brief episode of imploring was observed. No laughter on the part of the handlers occurred, and the unimpeded imploring was seen to continue for approximately 130 seconds. When, post-imploring, the stick was inserted to attempt a poke, the stick was yanked away by 93990. When a handler attempted to enter the cage to retrieve the poking stick, the handler was poked. Following this incident, the conclusion was reached to attempt no further retrievals of the poking stick, but rather to obtain a back-up poking stick available from Supply. As Supply did not at this time have a back-up poking stick, it was decided to attempt no further poking until the first poking stick could be retrieved. When it was determined that retrieving the first poking stick would be problematic, it was judged beneficial that the first poking stick was now in the possession of 93990, as observations could be made as to how 93990 was using and/or manipulating the poking stick, i.e., effect of Borazadine on motor skills.

  On Day 10, on what was to have been the last day of t
he study, upon the observation that animal 93990 still exhibited no effects whatsoever, the decision was reached to increase the dosage to 100,000 mg/kg/day, a dosage 10 times greater than that which had proved almost immediately lethal to every other animal in the highest-dose group. This was adjudged to be scientifically defensible. This dosage was delivered at 0300 hrs on Day 10. Remarkably, no acute effects were seen other than those associated with injection (i.e., small, bright purple blisters at the injection site, coupled with elevated heart rate and extreme perspiration and limited panic gesturing) but these soon subsided and were judged to be related to the high rate of injection rather than to the Borazadine itself.

  Throughout Day 10, animal 93990 continued to show no symptoms. It ate and drank normally. It moved energetically about the cage. It climbed the rope. By the end of the study period, i.e., midnight of Day 10, no symptoms whatsoever had been observed. Remarkably, the animal leapt about the cage. The animal wielded the poking stick with good dexterity, occasionally implored, shrieked energetically at the handlers. In summary, even at a dosage 10 times that which had proved almost immediately fatal to larger, heavier animals, 93990 showed no symptoms whatsoever. In all ways, even at this exceptionally high dosage, this animal appeared to be normal, healthy, unaffected, and thriving.

  At approximately 0100 hrs of Day 11, 93990 was tranquilized via dart, removed from the enclosure, sacrificed, and necropsied.

  No evidence of renal damage was observed. No negative effects of any kind were observed. A net weight gain of 3 kg since the beginning of the study was observed.

  All carcasses were transported off-site by a certified medical waste hauler and disposed of via incineration.

  brad carrigan, american

  Morning at the Carrigans’.

  Minutes ago, Chief Wayne left with the giant stick of butter. Any minute now, Brad Carrigan expects, the doorbell will ring.

  Just then the doorbell rings.

  Chief Wayne stands scowling in the doorway, holding the giant stick of butter.

  “Gosh, what’s the matter, Wayne?” says Doris, the way she always does.

  “I tried to butter my toast,” says Chief Wayne. “At which time I discovered that this stick of butter was actually your dog, Buddy, wearing a costume-a costume of a stick of butter!”

  “Oh Buddy,” says Doris. “Don’t you know that, if you want someone to like you, tricking them is the last thing you should do?”

  “I guess I know that now,” says Buddy sadly.

  “Brad? Doris?” says Chief Wayne. “I guess I also learned something today. If a dog likes you, or even a person, you should try your best to like them in return. Buddy wouldn’t have to hide in this costume if I’d simply accept his friendship.”

  “That’s a good lesson, Wayne,” says Doris. “One I guess we could all stand to learn.”

  “What I was hoping you’d learn, Wayne?” says Buddy. “Is that just because a person spends hours at a time in front of the house, licking his or her own butt, doesn’t mean he or she has no feelings.”

  “Although technically, Buddy, you’re not really a person,” says Chief Wayne.

  “And technically you don’t have a butt,” says Doris.

  “All you have is that hole where Craig puts his hand in, to make you move,” says Chief Wayne.

  This hurts Buddy’s feelings and he runs out the dog door. “Oh gosh,” Doris says. “I hope nothing bad happens to Buddy.”

  “I’d feel awful if something happened to the Budster because we drove him outside with our taunts about him not having a butt,” says Chief Wayne thoughtfully.

  Brad, Doris, and Chief Wayne step into the yard to find Buddy hanging motionless on the clothesline, his severed genitals on the ground beneath him.

  “Well, I guess we all learned something today,” says Chief Wayne.

  “What I learned?” says Doris. “Is you never know when someone precious to you may be snatched away.”

  “And therefore,” says Chief Wayne, “we must show our love every day, in every way.”

  “That is so true,” says Doris.

  “Don’t you think that’s true, Brad?” says Chief Wayne.

  “I guess so,” says Brad, whose hands are shaking.

  “You guess so?” says Chief Wayne. “Oh that’s rich! You guess we must show our love every day, in every way?”

  “As if there could be any argument about that whatsoever!” says Doris.

  “Oh Brad,” says Chief Wayne, with an affectionate shake of his headdress.

  “Oh Brad,” says Doris. “The people we know and love are all that matter in this crazy world. Someday you’ll understand that.”

  “The people we love-and the dogs we love!” says Chief Wayne.

  “If you look deep in your heart, Brad,” says Doris, “I just know that’s what you feel.”

  What Brad feels is, he’s trying his best here. Trying his best to stay cheerful and positive. About a month ago, Doris passed him a note regarding possible cancellation. It’s coming, the note said. Our asses are grass, unless. Big changes req’d. Trust me on this. Grave crisis, no lie, love, ME.

  How did Doris know about the impending possible cancellation? When he asked, she wouldn’t say. She only shook her head fiercely, as if to indicate: We’re not going to discuss this any further, we’re just going to fix the problem.

  So whenever something’s changed around here, he’s tried to stay upbeat. When they got Buddy he didn’t question why Buddy was a puppet-dog and not a real dog. When Chief Wayne started coming around claiming to be his oldest friend in the world, he didn’t question why a Native American had red hair. When their backyard started morphing, he didn’t ask how it was physically possible.

  Then things started getting dumber. Plus meaner. Now it’s basically all mean talk and jokes about poop and butts. He and Doris used to talk about real issues, about them, their relationship, their future hopes and plans. Once she lost her engagement ring and bought a fake so he wouldn’t notice. Once he became jealous when the butcher started giving her excellent cuts of meat.

  And now violence. Poor Buddy. They’ve never had violence before. Once a tree branch conked Brad in the head. Once he fell off a chair and landed on a knitting needle.

  But a murder/castration?

  No, never, this is entirely unprecedented.

  “Brad, hello?” says Doris. “Have you had a stroke? Is that why you’re staring off into space as if taking a dump?”

  “Did you take such a difficult dump it gave you a stroke?” says Chief Wayne.

  Both Doris and Chief Wayne put on their faces the expression of someone taking a difficult dump, then having a stroke. Then we see from the way they start laughing warmly, smiling affectionately at Brad, and from the happy swell of the music, that they haven’t really had strokes while taking dumps, they’re just trying to keep things light, and also, that it’s time for a commercial.

  Back at the Carrigans’, Brad has placed Buddy and his genitals on a card table, along with a photo of Buddy and some of his favorite squeakie toys.

  “Would anyone like to say a few words about Buddy?” Brad says.

  “Poor Buddy,” says Chief Wayne. “Always shooting his mouth off. I’m sure that’s what happened to him. He shot his mouth off to the wrong person, who then killed and castrated him.”

  “Not that you’re saying he deserved it,” says Doris.

  “I’m not saying he deserved it exactly,” says Chief Wayne. “But if a person is going to have so many negative opinions, and share them with the world, eventually somebody’s going to get tired of it.”

  “Would anyone like to say a few, other, words about Buddy?” says Brad. ” Doris?”

  “Hey, wait a minute,” says Doris, glancing up at the TV “Isn’t this FinalTwist?”

  “Oh, I love FinalTwist,”says Chief Wayne.

  “Guys?” says Brad. “Aren’t we remembering Buddy?”

  “Brad, for heaven’s sake,” says Doris. “Calm do
wn and watch some FinalTwist with us.”

  “Buddy’s not exactly going anywhere, Bradster,” says Chief Wayne.

  Also new. Previously they never watched other shows on their show. Plus they have so many TVs now, two per room, plus a backyard TV, plus one at either end of the garage, so that, wherever they go, some portion of another show is always showing.

  On FinalTwist, five college friends take a sixth to an expensive Italian restaurant, supposedly to introduce him to a hot girl, actually to break the news that his mother is dead. This is the InitialTwist. During dessert they are told that, in fact, all of their mothers are dead. This is the SecondTwist. The ThirdTwist is, not only are all their mothers dead, the show paid to have them killed, and the fourth and FinalTwist is, the kids have just eaten their own grilled mothers.

  “What a riot,” says Doris.

  ” Doris, come on,” says Brad. “These are real people, people with thoughts and hopes and dreams.”

  “Well, nobody got hurt,” says Chief Wayne.

  “Except those kids who unknowingly ate their own mothers,” says Brad.

  “Well, they signed the releases,” says Chief Wayne.

  “Releases or not, Wayne, come on,” says Brad. “They killed people. They tricked people into eating their own mothers.”

  “I don’t know that I’m all that interested in the moral ins and outs of it,” says Chief Wayne. “I guess I’m just saying I enjoyed it.”

  “It’s interesting, that’s the thing,” says Doris. “The expectations, the reversals, the timeless human emotions.”