Dancing Out of Darkness

by Kristina Rhianoff

  So I was able to continue with the show and when the run came to an end at the end of June 2012, there was a big closing party with the whole cast. Joe was with me and it was nice to share the celebration with him and everyone involved in Burn the Floor, but I knew it was only a matter of time before he and I had the conversation that had been hanging over us for a while. It was time to face up to our relationship. Joe told me how unhappy he was: he knew the new series of Strictly was coming up and once again he would be second in my life. We had started off in such a whirlwind romance – we were very much in love and committed to each other and it was a solid relationship – but I knew what he was saying and I couldn’t deny that I would be caught up in the show again, so we made the decision to split up.

  We both knew it was the right thing to do: we both deserve happiness and I will never say a bad word against him. He was a wonderful person to me and my family, but we fell out of love and you can’t stay in a relationship out of habit.

  The split was amicable; Joe was very kind and said I could stay on in the flat for as long as I needed as he was going back to Wales. He didn’t want to release any sort of comment to the press but we realised, with the new series of Strictly coming up, that they would start asking about Joe and where he was. I went to Russia for a couple of weeks to get my head around the split. As soon as I landed back in the UK I had a phone call telling me The Sun would be running a story that we had split and someone else was involved. At that point we had to release a statement saying it was a joint decision, no one else was involved and we were still good friends. The Sun still ran the story and they also dredged up all the negative stuff about Joe using cocaine, which made me very upset for him.

  It is hard to describe how I feel about having a man in my life. In one sense I am longing for someone to look after me and take care of me but on the other hand, there is a big element of trust. I just can’t give myself to someone 100 per cent because there is always the fear that I could be betrayed and let down. That goes back to my dad, I suppose. It doesn’t matter how close you are to someone, I carry this fear of being deserted from my childhood and I can never let that go. Our childhood shapes our lives so much and in a way, having been wounded, I am very much drawn to those who are similar. I think that is why I have become so passionate about my charity work. The charity Dot Com Children’s Foundation (dotcomcf.org) had already been a part of my life for the past five years, but after my break-up with Joe I realised how important it was not just to donate my time, but to really get on board and raise awareness and much-needed funds for a cause that struck such a chord with me.

  I met Sharon Evans, founder of the charity, the year I danced with DJ Goldie, in 2010. She works closely with Len Goodman’s son James, who is a trustee of our foundation, and he had encouraged her to come and talk to me – he knew how passionate I was about working with children. I would always try to take part in charity events if I could and when I met Sharon she invited me to come to one of her events and to talk to the children about dancing. I was very keen to help and it was a wonderful way to use my status on the show to do something positive. Back in Russia I had loved teaching children and I missed being around them and their energy, so this seemed like a wonderful opportunity to help.

  I was also very curious about the work Sharon did and after talking to the children about dancing and the show, I was able to find out more about the charity. Sharon’s story was incredible. Her grandfather was a paedophile and had been abusing her until she was about seven years old. Her father was physically abusive towards her mum and as a child she was so traumatised that she struggled to read or write. Her mum eventually escaped that horrific environment and took Sharon away to an area with a local dance school. She went to the school and Len Goodman was her teacher.

  Sharon said if it wasn’t for Len and for dancing, she would probably never have become the person she is today. Her dream was always to be a newsreader but she had no confidence in herself and was ashamed to talk to anyone about her problems with reading and writing. So when she met Len she suddenly had a really good male role model in her life – someone to look up to and give her confidence – she said that dancing saved her. It made me realise how much in common we had and while I didn’t suffer that level of abuse, for me dancing was also an escape and a form of saviour.

  Sharon finished her story by telling me how she eventually achieved her dream of working as a newsreader, working for Sky and the BBC. But her career wasn’t to last and one day when she came out of the BBC Studios she was involved in a terrible car accident and nearly died. She said to me that at that moment, the moment she was in the car and thought she was going to die, she felt that she hadn’t achieved a purpose in her life. That purpose was to help other children like her. So she and her husband Neil created a charity to help vulnerable children deal with issues in life.

  Neil was a policeman and he had nearly died in a riot the week after Sharon’s accident, so they both felt extremely passionate about making a difference. They re-mortgaged their house to put this programme together, a programme called Values vs. Violence, which teaches children certain values in life. It is directed at kids who don’t feel that they can speak about what is happening at home if they are being abused or bullied and they feel that they don’t have a voice because they think they have brought trouble upon themselves. But through the programme they learn ways in which they can open up about their problems and how they can talk to adults about what is happening to them. Children can be so easily groomed and are often desperate to belong, which is why lots of them find themselves in gangs or criminal groups. The police see this programme as a way of preventing future crime and so it has been brought into schools to great effect.

  The website dotcomcf.org was created by Sharon and Neil and I have met some of the children who have gone through this programme. It was just amazing! I met a boy whose father had died and his brother, who was autistic, could be very violent. This boy had so many behavioural issues stemming from his childhood but he went through the programme and excelled at school. Now he wants to educate other children and has become an ambassador for the programme. His mum wrote to Sharon and thanked her for giving back her son.

  It was exactly the sort of programme I wanted to give more time and energy to, and I wished I had had someone like Dot when I was a child. She is the character Dorothy, who is a friend to all the children and the key to helping them open up. Children can write to her and tell her about their problems and if they are feeling threatened. She tells them that it doesn’t matter who they are or where they come from: the most important thing is that they feel valued. To be honest, this is something that I am still struggling with: if I have no dancing, I am nothing. I have no skill, I’m not good enough just as a person because as a child, I wasn’t worthy of love. My father didn’t make me feel cared for as he left home on a regular basis. The only value I have is when I dance, and without that skill I am of no interest. It is something that I am dealing with.

  So I started visiting schools in some of the most deprived areas of London and I had a lot of meetings with children, telling them about how I came from a small city in Russia and worked so hard to be where I am now. The thing that really struck me about the children with whom I worked was that when I asked them who they wanted to be when they were older the boys said football players and all the girls wanted to be actresses or singers. It fascinates me! The boys don’t say they want to be footballers because they like the sport, but because they would like to have lots of money and become famous. And the girls say they just want to be famous, too.

  I tried to explain to them that there is so much hard work, dedication and years of training that most people go through to become famous. I myself had to train hard for all my competitions and give 100 per cent to my career. If I wasn’t good at my job then I wouldn’t have been chosen to be on Strictly. I told them what I have gone through and the years of training and putting dancing first to get where I am now,
and I could see some of the children looking at me, thinking, ‘OK, so it’s not just that you wake up famous!’ I tried to explain to them that if there was anything they felt absolutely passionate about then this was the time to embrace it. It’s not always going to be easy to push yourself but that is what it takes to be the best of the best. To succeed – whether that’s in football, rugby, dancing, gymnastics, or singing – you have to work hard. That is the message I wanted to put across. All the children see is the fame and the money and they don’t see the bit before, the dedication to get to that point.

  Some of the children came up to me afterwards and told me that their parents had divorced, leaving them feeling very useless, and that nothing good ever happens to kids like them. It was heartbreaking to hear such sadness, but I am living proof that it doesn’t matter where you come from: if you believe in yourself, you can succeed. It’s a hard concept for them to understand but I hoped that I was able to make them see that the surroundings you are born into or the people who live around you don’t matter – it’s all about having a belief in yourself. I think that is why I feel so passionate about the charity as a whole: I truly believe in it and I know how it can help, which is why I am a now a patron, having been a trustee for a long time. Of course there are thousands of worthy causes out there and Robin and I will always try and help with lessons or to raise money if we can.

  It’s not about publicity – I know there are lots of celebrities who will attach their name to a charity or a campaign just for the glory, but I don’t believe in that. With beauty products, I am often asked if I will be the face of this new product or put my name to that. I have taken part in a few campaigns and if people ask me, do you actually use this product? I can say yes. Not only that, I can tell them why I use it, when I started using it, and why I think it works. I believe in a genuine approach to something like that.

  I didn’t relish the thought of spending the whole of July by myself waiting for the new series of Strictly to start, so I went to Russia to be with my mum for a couple of weeks. That did me good and I was able to take a bit of time out before the new season began – a season that I would be facing on my own for the first time in four years. It was time to be strong, and as dancing had saved me many times before, I was sure this new series would give me the focus I needed.

  Now all I had to do was wait and see who I would be dancing with…

  CHAPTER 22

  Dancing with Big Ben

  On the last weekend of August 2012, the professional dancers and the new batch of celebrities all met and were introduced at the BBC studio. We would be learning a big group dance over the next couple of days and it was a good way of seeing who was on the show, who clicked well with whom and how the celebrities and dancers looked dancing together. But again, we had no idea who we would be partnered with yet – that would be filmed for the launch show. It was nice to see everyone and they were all very kind and sympathetic over my break-up with Joe; they all told me I would be OK and I was very touched to have such support around me. The press were still writing the occasional piece about our separation but now it was good to focus again and be busy in my job. I didn’t have time to sit down and cry any more: I had a new show to focus on!

  Unfortunately those two days were a bit of a blur as I was also moving flats and so I had to enlist the help of a friend to help me pack. With two days of rehearsals from 10am to 6pm, there was little time for me to help so thank goodness she was able to be there for me. I had found a new flat to rent and I knew it was the right thing to do, to move out and move on. I don’t think anyone realised just how sad I was about my relationship failing as I would always put on a smile. Whenever anyone asked me if I was OK, I would brush them off in a no-nonsense work-mode voice with, ‘Of course, I’m alright, I’m fine.’

  I was putting on this strong façade and it was a lot like being a child again and hiding how I really felt. It was, and still is, easy to bury my real feelings and just concentrate on dancing but the truth was, I was very down inside. Another relationship had broken down due to my love and dedication for my work. I wasn’t sleeping very well either as emotionally and physically I was trying to pack away the life I had shared with Joe.

  On the first day of that big group meet I felt exhausted so I went to find a spare room in the building to have a little nap. I didn’t want to sleep particularly, I just needed to curl up and be by myself for about twenty minutes. Then one of the producers found me and asked me to go for a little chat with her.

  ‘I am concerned about you, Kristina. I want to know if you are OK about doing the new series,’ she said. ‘I know how good you are at covering things up but you have just come out of a long-term relationship and we want to check you are OK.’

  It was very kind of her to show such concern and I did open up to her a little that the only way I would be able to deal with the situation was because of the show. My biggest fear was that they didn’t want me on the series and then I would have nothing – I would be completely alone and left to dwell on my sorrows. I wanted to work, I needed to work, I told her and so we left it at that.

  I remember looking at the cast of celebrities that year and to be honest, I didn’t really recognise many of them. The only two people I knew of were the fashion designer Julien Macdonald and the model and TV presenter Abbey Clancy – and that was only because they had a fashion connection and fashion is something I have a real interest in. At that point I was hoping I would be paired with Julien, being the only man I knew, and we had a little chat in the corner. He was really sweet and seemed really fun – he was the perfect height for me, too! The other celebrity guys, Hollyoaks actor Ashley Taylor Dawson and former rugby player Ben Cohen, looked far too tall and I didn’t think I could be partnered with another tall person like Colin Salmon again!

  Anyway, at this rehearsal the producers are there and watching how everyone gets along, and how the dancers and the celebrities connect and communicate. We rotate round and dance with everyone and I wasn’t bothered in the slightest about who they saw me with, I was just happy to be there and happy to be working.

  When the day of the launch show arrived people kept asking me who I wanted to be paired with and I can honestly say I didn’t care at all – I just wanted to dance. I think a lot of the girls had their hearts set on the two young guys, Ashley and Ben, as they were good-looking men and potentially good dancers. All the girls were swirling around them. I danced with Hairy Biker Dave Myers and Julien for a bit of the group dance and I thought to myself, either of those celebrities would be great to be partnered with as we would have fun together and enjoy ourselves and that was what I needed.

  I didn’t really look at any of the other male celebrities. At the launch show I remember waiting with the rest of the girls to be paired up. Between the pairings there is the group dance and the professional dance and when I wasn’t matched up in the first lot of pairings, we went backstage to get changed for one of the group dances. One of the producers came over to me and said, ‘Kristina, you have to smile a little bit, it looks like you are about to be killed!’

  And I thought to myself, ‘I must be so focused on just getting on with the show and getting on with work that I have forgotten how to smile!’

  So I apologised and promised them I would look happier. When Tess Daly introduced Ben Cohen to the audience and then called out my name to be paired with him I tried my best to look excited – even though it was a complete shock! We went upstairs to do the chat with Claudia Winkleman as it was the first year that Bruce Forsyth wasn’t doing the show; it was now Tess as the main presenter and Claudia as the one interviewing the celebrities and their partners after each dance.

  It felt like the end of an era, really. I had joined the show with Bruce Forsyth and I soon learnt what a huge legend he is in the UK. He was always so kind to the dancers too, as he had started his career tap-dancing at nine years old. He was very protective of us and it felt a bit strange not having him around although Tess a
nd Claudia are brilliant together and great fun to work with.

  After all the couples had been paired then came the moment I was dreading: the press conference. All the publications, newspapers, radio, magazines… they were all there waiting to speak to all the couples as we moved around the tables and I just knew that they would all want to ask me about Joe and the break-up. I was scared: it was a genuine fear that no matter what I said they would make up a story and my private life would be back in the newspapers.

  So we started moving round a couple of the tables and Ben was very taken aback that all the journalists were firing questions at me about Joe. He was a little upset that the BBC hadn’t prepared him for any of this – that if he was to be partnered with me he ought to have been made aware of what the press would be interested in. Every single publication was asking me about what I was going to do now I had split with Joe and I did tell a lot of them that I just didn’t want to talk about my relationship. Ben took me to one side and asked me what was going on and I explained that I had just split up with my boyfriend of four years, that he had been on this show as well, and that it was a relationship that had been in the public eye and I didn’t want to talk about it.

  And he just said, ‘Right, don’t worry about it.’

  When we went to the next table and sat down and the first question was directed at me about Joe, Ben cut them right off.

  ‘Listen, guys, we’re here to talk about the show, nothing else,’ he said, politely but firmly. And I was so grateful! Afterwards we went to meet his family, who were all there, and I told them that they were welcome to come to rehearsals any time they liked. Ben’s mother, Lana, took me aside and said to me, ‘Please look after my son; he needs a good friend.’ And I said, ‘Of course I will. We are a team now.’