Dancing Out of Darkness

by Kristina Rhianoff

  I couldn’t find a single positive thing to tell myself, so what was the point? I felt a tremendous amount of guilt at not being with my mum and this black cloud over me meant that I would wake up and not want to go anywhere.

  It seemed the only thing that had saved me before, dancing, wasn’t going to be enough this time. But I had underestimated it; I underestimated the fact that I have such a feeling of responsibility in me and I don’t like to let anyone down. I couldn’t be there for my mum but I could be there for Simon and the show and prove to myself I wasn’t a quitter. And that is the only reason I stayed: because I wasn’t a quitter. With Simon and the producers’ support, I got my head focussed and let dancing take control of my life again.

  And you know what? It worked.

  CHAPTER 25

  Putting my best dancing foot forward

  The next few weeks on the show gave us a real boost. We worked hard, we started getting better marks from the judges, and the comments were more positive. It didn’t mean we were exempt from being in a few more dance-offs, however, but that was the nature of the competition that year – there was such a strong line-up of dancers. The further we progressed, the more positive the press became and I was happy that they were finally talking about the dancing – although it wasn’t for long. Because as we all know, two young, single people dancing together must mean that something is going on. Lo and behold, stories started circulating that Simon and I were dating. I could not believe it! Actually I remember laughing at that point, thinking, ‘You must be kidding me! I was just moving on from all the mess with Ben and now you are spinning a story that Simon and I must be dating because we are both single? Honestly!’

  Immediately, Simon set the record straight, saying nothing like that was happening, it was all speculation. He said categorically it wasn’t true and that we were just trying to concentrate on our dancing. And this was one of the first times I went on Twitter to respond to the stories: ‘It’s all lies and I’m quite tired of lies.’

  My agent always advises me not to put anything on Twitter as it can be used against me, but I’d had enough by then. I didn’t want to read this gossip and I’d had enough of it overshadowing my work on the dance floor. I will never understand how the papers can get away with writing such rubbish. And then after we made our official denials, the next round of articles appeared. Can you guess what they were saying now? Apparently Simon and I would ‘come out’ as a couple after the final! It drove me mad that they just couldn’t leave us alone. Why couldn’t they talk about our dancing? And what made it worse was that it pollutes people’s minds with lies. Some people will read it and not believe a word and others will read it and believe every single thing. It was driving me insane, and by the time we got to the quarter-finals I had really had enough – I didn’t want to be in this environment any longer.

  The night of the quarter-finals we were opening the show with the American smooth and something didn’t go quite right with one of our lifts. We just thought to ourselves, ‘OK, here we go again, we’ll be in the dance-off with that mistake.’ And the standard was so high – with singer-songwriter Pixie Lott, presenter Caroline Flack, Frankie from The Saturdays and Jake Wood from EastEnders – you couldn’t afford to make mistakes.

  So we resigned ourselves to being in the dance-off, especially as our scores put us mid-table, which is a very dangerous place to be. As expected, we were in the bottom two and up against Pixie Lott, who is – and had been all series – an incredible dancer.

  So while we were waiting to be told the couple who would be leaving, mentally I started to prepare my goodbye speech. And I wasn’t just saying goodbye to the series, I was preparing to announce my retirement from the show completely. I’d had an amazing seven years but now it was time to say farewell and I was ready to let everyone know that I would be leaving. It wasn’t a rash decision – I was almost relieved to be putting it together in my head. I could go and see my mum and support her, I could focus on what mattered in life. Now I would find something else to do instead of dancing. I was really into my choreography and I had choreographed a lot of the group dances over the years on the show. I was the only professional dancer who had been asked to choreograph the whole of one of the Christmas specials as well. It was the year I danced with Colin Salmon and I choreographed all the professional group dances and all the celebrity ones for that one-off show.

  And saying goodbye to the press was going to be a blessing. I won’t be the first or the last person to feel defeated by the media and I genuinely felt I was being forced out of show business by all the gossip and fake stories that the newspapers and magazines wrote about me. When I had appeared on Loose Women in June 2015, panellist Jane Moore had pointed out that because I had done interviews with Hello! magazine I was fair game. But the interviews were ones I chose to do; they were within my control. What I said in those interviews are things I am willing to share with the public. But because I do it willingly it doesn’t mean that I then want thousands of negative articles or people digging into my private life every other day just to get an angle because they need a story to fill their pages. You can’t justify my couple of interviews as a free pass for them to harass my family. And it doesn’t give them permission to write all sorts of things about me either.

  The show was brilliant for me but there was such a big price to pay. I think I understood where John Sergeant was coming from all those years ago because he knew how the press could be: he didn’t want to put his family through the harassment they were getting and so he stood down. While I was standing there with Simon that thought zoomed into my head: ‘I do not want my family to struggle with this any more, I am a better person than this.’ I had given my best to Simon as a professional dancer and yet I was once again in the dance-off, the press were having a field day and my mum was sick, too.

  And while I was thinking of all of those things, I suddenly tuned in to what Len Goodman was saying. As he was the head judge and the judging panel was split, he had the over-riding vote. Whatever decision he made was final.

  And that is when I heard him say: ‘In my heart, when I go home I have to know that I have made the right decision. And that is why I am saving Simon and Kristina.’

  I. Could. Not. Believe. It. Simon collapsed on the floor and I couldn’t stop sobbing. All the emotion spilled out of me. It could only have been a matter of seconds but it felt like an eternity and I just couldn’t stop.

  Everyone kept saying to me: ‘Kristina, stop crying, stop crying – no one has died!’

  But I was crying because I wasn’t out of the show – because in my head I was ready to go. Simon was trying to calm me down. He kept saying, ‘It’s OK, we’ve made it through to the semi-finals, we did it!’ But I couldn’t bring myself to say to him, ‘It’s not that, I’m crying because I wanted to go!’

  My professional side kicked in and I thought, ‘OK, we’ve got to fight back now. Simon is just so happy we are through and I’ve got to be ready to give him my all.’

  When we started rehearsals in semi-finals week, the producers came and spoke to me about what sort of things I had planned for the finals.

  ‘You know what? Don’t even talk to me about the finals,’ I said. ‘I’m not thinking about a show dance or anything else, I’m pretty sure we won’t make it to the finals so why not just let us enjoy the semi-finals?’

  But they were insistent. As a production team they have to think about things in advance and if there are any props or anything they need to know. To me there was just too much pressure and so I ended up blurting out all my worries about my mum.

  ‘Do you know what I have been dealing with?’ I said. ‘My mum has had a breast cancer scare and I had to deal with that the whole time I have been getting crap from the press! I just want to concentrate on the semi-finals. Please.’

  And I was so glad I told them because they were very sympathetic. I think it helped them understand where I was emotionally. Mum had told me in early September that
she had a pain and now we were in December. I had been dealing with this on my own for too long. I needed to let them know why my head had been all over the place.

  So in the semi-finals we had to do two dances, and you know what? Simon was amazing; he was completely on his A-game! I had now told him about my mum and he totally understood what was going on and was very sympathetic. He worked so hard and I just wanted to do the best routines we could possibly do to give it our all. We had made it through to the semi-finals despite everything – through all this stress, through all the dance-offs and all this negativity, so now we wanted to show we had earned our place. In our minds we didn’t think that we would end up in the final, so we wanted to enjoy the semis.

  We danced the foxtrot and it was just perfect. Len said that Simon had performed the foxtrot so well he might just have got himself a ticket to the final. And that was amazing to hear! We thought we had done a good job and we didn’t care if we were in the dance-off at that stage: if anything we had proved we could do it and we were proud of ourselves. When Tess Daly announced that Jake Wood and his partner Janette Manrara were the other couple in the dance-off against former TOWIE star Mark Wright and his dance partner Karen Hauer, I just turned to Simon in complete shock and exclaimed: ‘We’re in the final!’

  It’s such a cliché but this had been a real journey for us both. I remember meeting Simon at the beginning of the series and thinking he was the kind of guy who was trying to be cool – he seemed too casual about the whole show. He had an attitude of: ‘I’ll be here for a couple of weeks then I’ll go. I won’t get myself too worked up about it’. But I think it was because he was very shy on his own. He had always been surrounded by the other members of his band and never felt comfortable going solo. The show helped him become more of an individual and in the end he fell in love with dance. He told the press how much dancing had really turned his life around – and his approach to life, too. Dancing is such a beautiful tool; it was always my form of therapy and now I saw the same thing happening with Simon. It changed how he behaved, how he acted and how he felt about himself.

  And public perception of someone is usually so different to how they really are. In my seven years on the show, I am incredibly lucky to have worked with so many different characters. Each and every single one of them was so different. In real life I would probably never have crossed paths with any of them, but working on Strictly gave me the chance to meet some exceptional people. That is the beauty of the show and you create a bond with all your partners. I had an equally great bond with John Sergeant as I did with Jason Donovan. You see people for who they are – vulnerable, stressed, happy and sad. They are learning and growing because of the show and you grow with them. You become a team and you are responsible for the journey they have because they rely on you.

  Simon and I were in a bit of a daze after Saturday night. We never thought we would be in the final and now we had three dances to prepare. It was ridiculous! We had to perform a new show dance, the judges’ choice and our choice. The judges chose for us to do the Charleston and we chose the Argentine tango. I made our show dance a little bit crazy and difficult and Simon ended up saying to me: ‘Kristina, you’ve put seven lifts in this dance. I’m not sure I can do this!’

  And I made sure we had lots of props and costume changes, too – I was very proud of the show dance.

  The final was a fantastic night. Simon and I wanted people to see that we were enjoying every moment and that we were grateful to everyone for being there. We closed the show with the Argentine tango and we put our heart and soul into every second of it. Every emotion was in there and we were so tired as well, to the point of collapse. I remember Simon saying that he hoped he didn’t drop me out of the lifts as he felt he just didn’t have the strength any more. And I was struggling to even stand up! We just wanted it to come out well and when we finished, the audience went crazy! It was the loudest standing ovation I have ever heard and the judges said we should both be very proud of what we had achieved.

  In my heart, even though we didn’t win the series, I had won it with Simon. Anyone else would have crumbled with the things we had gone through, but we just kept working hard and went for it. And I felt really proud – proud of Simon, proud of myself. I think that dance, the tango, will be remembered in the history of Strictly. Before I think the dance people associated with me was the John Sergeant ‘drag’, but now I have a good dance to be remembered for.

  The audience certainly remembered it when we danced the Argentine tango on the last night of the tour at the O2. That applause I will never forget. It felt like applause for thirty years of dedication to dancing. And that is something the press can’t take away from me: they can write whatever they want but they can never take away who I am, or the passion I have for my dancing, or my love for my family, or my dedication to my charity. My life has never been easy – I have had to fight hard, work hard and take chances, but all those things have made me who I am.

  I don’t want my private life to be a topic of conversation – I just want to succeed in my career because I have worked hard at it. I want people to feel that they understand my life now. This is me, the real me. I find it so hard to understand why I am on the front pages of a newspaper just because I am on holiday or because I am talking to someone. Why is reporting my private life important or newsworthy? I walk past a newsagents and I see my face in the newspaper and I just don’t see how it benefits anyone. I will never understand that. It’s no one’s business but mine.

  So, what does the future hold? I am pleased to say my mum had an operation to remove all those precancerous cells and recovered well. There were lots of tests and sleepless nights but she is OK. And our relationship just goes from strength to strength. I would like to be a mother myself one day. A family is something I have always craved and the older I get, the more I want it. And workwise, who knows where the wonders of dance and showbiz will take me? But hey, I am sure you will be able to read all about it in the Daily Mail – they seem to know more about what I am doing than I do!

  One thing I have learnt in life is never to plan anything too far ahead. Life is crazy! As a Virgo I am a very organised person and it makes me anxious when I don’t know my next step, if I don’t have a plan. But life doesn’t always work out how you plan it and you have to be ready to take an opportunity when it comes along. You have to have belief and a passion; you must be courageous and adventurous. You could be the most talented person in your field but if you don’t have the courage to follow your dreams, you won’t go anywhere. My dream was to succeed and be a professional dancer and my life has rewarded me. So dream big, work hard and be ready for an adventure. And don’t forget your dancing shoes…

  My maternal grandmother, Valentina Vorobieva.

  Grigory, my grandfather and Valentina’s first husband.

  My parents on their wedding day in 1977.

  Mum looking beautiful in 1983.

  Smile for the camera! Dad, Mum (who is pregnant with me), Grandmother Valentina, Grandfather Boris and my aunt Valeria.

  In happy times: my mother and I in 1978.

  Playing at kindergarten with my grandmother Marina, who looked after me in Holmsk.

  With my parents in 1980.

  A children’s party to celebrate New Year in 1982. I am crouched in the centre, dressed as a snow queen.

  On holiday in 1983.

  New Year celebrations with my parents in 1986.

  On a summer camp holiday in Shmakovka later that year.

  All smiles on my first day at school.

  In my school uniform standing next to a picture of Lenin. His portrait hung in every classroom.

  My class with our very strict teacher. I am second from the right on the front row – how happy I look!

  With my first dance partner Roman at our first competition. My mum spent all night making my dress.

  I have always loved performing. Here I am in traditional dress dancing to an accordion.

 
At another competition in a dress my mum sewed for me.

  With my dance teachers in Vladivostok, husband and wife Igor and Olga.

  Winning first place in a competition in Japan with my dance partner from Nakhodka, Eugene. I am in the blue dress.

  It was when competing with Eugene in Japan that I first met Mr Kobaici.

  My first visit to London aged twenty. I never dreamed I’d be one day living there!

  With some of my students in Russia, not long before I moved to Seattle.

  I loved teaching and the students were wonderful but Igor was very supportive of my decision to move to the USA.

  With my dance partner Brian at our first competition in the USA in 2002. We are pictured here with his family – my American family – brother Sean, dad Ron and mum kathy.

  Placing third at the United States Dance Championships in 2003.

  The couple in black: competing with Brian in 2003.