The children had been three and five years old. They’d laughed and chased his chickens the last time they were over, and knowing they were gone stung. He hadn’t been close to the Nunez family, but they were neighbors and looking out for each other was what you were supposed to do. He had failed, and in that failure lay a seed of other failures.
Angelica. She had become his weakness. He wanted a wife and a family, but if something happened to her or their future children, it would gut him. He needed to break free before she became with child.
Lil nickered, indicating she’d heard a noise. Straightening with his hand instantly on his revolver at his hip, Holden turned.
“It’s me, Holden.” Paul stepped closer. “I didn’t mean to sneak up on you, but your dinner is ready and your wife looks like you’ve been bearish toward her. Want to talk about it?”
“Nope.” Holden stared at his dusty boots. Digging graves wounded the soul.
“Want to talk about what’s really bothering you?”
Holden secured the stall gate and strode toward Paul. “I’m sure you know what’s bothering me, Paul. It’s probably bothering you, too.”
“I’m devastated over the lives lost, Holden. But I’m not going to destroy my life to pay penance for things out of my control.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
Paul faced him, his blond beard just beginning to show a speckle of gray at the sides. Though he’d known the man since he was merely a teen, Paul had been a great number of things to him. Mentor. Friend. Brother. Protector. Holden looked at the limp fabric where Paul’s arm had been, closing his eyes against the memory of the man being shot.
“It means you blame yourself for everything. Don’t you pretend I don’t see you looking at me for what’s missing. That’s not your fault, either.”
“It is my fault.” Holden turned away and began to pace, anger building inside of him. It seemed like life was funneling pain down onto him, and he needed to get out from under it.
“It wasn’t, either. I put myself there in front of you on purpose. That bullet wasn’t meant for you. It was meant for me and I’d gladly take it again.”
Holden stopped pacing and stared at him. Paul hadn’t said that to him before. He’d always assumed that it had been an accident. He sucked in a deep breath, turning from Paul.
“What, Holden? You don’t get to be the only one who takes care of others.”
Feeling slapped by Paul’s words, Holden’s anger deflated. He sat heavily on a bench and dropped his head in his hands.
“I came here on a whim. Now you, Tilly, and Angelica are all in danger, and it’s because of my choices.”
Paul sat nearby. “Brother, we’re in this together, by choice. It is dangerous and disheartening. Frustrating.” He sighed. “I don’t want to have to live through many more days like today where lawlessness destroys the lives of good people. But here’s what I do know; God put us here for a reason. We can’t just walk away.”
Holden looked up. “Angelica can. It’s not too late.”
“She could, but she won’t. She’s in love with you, in case you’re too stubborn to see it.”
“Love is but an inconvenience. She will overcome it.”
Paul stood, his eyes hard. “If you send her away, you’re no better than your father!”
“Both of you, stop it!”
Tilly’s shrill voice took Holden by surprise. He instantly regretted speaking so openly, and saw contrition on Paul’s face.
“I’m sorry, Tilly.” Paul walked to where his wife stood in the shadows near the saddles and put his arm around her stiff shoulders. “I didn’t mean for you to hear that.”
She pushed his arm off. “Well, then you shouldn’t have said it. Holden is nothing like our father.” She walked over to Holden. “You aren’t!” She stared hard at her brother, waiting for him to speak, her eyes welling with tears.
“I’m sorry, Holden. I spoke in the heat of the moment and shouldn’t have. I’m going to go back to the house and let you two talk.” Paul turned and left them.
Tilly waited until Paul rolled the barn door shut before turning back. Her arms were crossed and her expression pure angry stubbornness. “What do you mean you’re going to send her away?”
“I think bringing her here was a mistake. There are too many dangers.” He rubbed his eyes, trying to push past the gritty, exhausted feeling.
His sister sank down on the bench next to him and leaned her head back against the wall. “I’m sorry you have so many worries. The ranch, Ma, Angelica.” She sighed deeply, reaching for his arm and looping her hand through.
“And you.”
She laughed. “I’m tougher than I look.” Resting her head against his shoulder, she said, “Do you want to talk about what happened today? The memories are like poison when bottled up.”
In the dim lamplight, the familiar barn sounds and smells were soothing. He felt his body begin to relax. “I don’t want to burden you with knowing, Tilly.”
“I think I can fill in the blanks. The Nunez couple had small children.”
“A violent dispute in lawless country over land. I must be a fool for bringing Angelica here. I can’t protect her all of the time, and I don’t think I can continue on if something happens to her.”
“Ahh, brother. You’re in love.”
Tilly spoke softly, but the words still hit him like a punch. “I didn’t expect to be so vulnerable. It brings a helpless feeling that I don’t know what to do with.”
She inhaled deeply, letting the breath out slowly. “I understand that vulnerable feeling. What would you do if you felt helpless like that, but about the ranch, instead? Lil? Me?”
“I can hardly put you in the same category as a ranch or a horse, Tilly, but I see your point. I’d have my men form a watch, rotating duties and safeguarding from the likes of the Stillwell brothers.”
“Exactly. It’s not really any different, is it?”
He drew in a deep breath, not wanting to burden his sister with the what-ifs. “You looked like you had been crying earlier today. What’s wrong?”
She rested her head against the barn wall behind her, blowing out a sigh. “I want to have a child but can’t. It sounds silly to my own ears tonight, given what happened today, but it’s hard sometimes to stay positive and not be disheartened.”
He put his arm around her, resting his chin on her head. “I agree. Don’t lose faith, Tilly. Maybe God wants you to take a journey that’s a little different than you envisioned but yours nonetheless. There are children who need a mother, and there are mothers without a child.”
She remained quiet for a while. When she spoke, her voice was thick with emotion. “I’ll pray about it, Holden. My heart is definitely open to adopting. Thank you for understanding.”
She pulled away from him, no longer the sad, vulnerable girl he could protect. She had fire in her eyes that he could see, even in the shadows of the barn.
“Angelica is waiting patiently for you.”
“I’ll head inside in a moment. I just needed to work out a few things.”
“I mean she’s waiting patiently for you to fall in love with her. I see it. She feels vulnerable, too, Holden. If you push her away, she may never overcome it.”
“I may have to, but for her own good. She’s not safe here, Tilly.”
She crossed her arms. “Well, then maybe I should go with her. And Paul. And your men. And Inez. And…”
He laughed, the sound taking him off-guard. “I see your point, and you’re still just as stubborn as when you were a girl.”
Smiling, she said, “And you’re still the man I can look up to, Holden. Don’t let yourself down.”
He stood, resisting the urge to ruffle her hair like when she was a child, hugging her to his side, instead. “Shall we go back to the house?”
“Let’s.”
Chapter Thirteen
Paul had been empathetic when he came back from the barn, despite being dist
ressed by the day’s events. When he offered to pray for Angelica, her first reaction was to say no and it surprised her. She knew Paul was different than Web and the men of the commune, but it made her feel vulnerable.
Angelica shook her head and thankfully, he didn’t press the issue but she felt the need to explain. There was so much she thought she had worked through but it all came back up when she least expected it. She’d have to deal with her past in order to keep it from destroying her future. Talking might help, but she wasn’t ready.
The door to the ranch house opened, making Angelica’s heart beat faster. She’d been staring forlornly at the meal that would be ruined if it kept much longer, while wanting to go to Holden. She knew he was hurting, and she was, too.
Her husband ushered Tilly in, closing the door firmly behind them and pulling down the plank that locked the door. She hadn’t seen him use it before and was slightly alarmed. Tilly headed straight for Paul, reaching for his hand.
“May I speak with you a moment?” Holden picked up a lantern and nodded toward their bedroom.
“Yes.” She followed him, moving into the shadows as he closed the door and turned.
“I owe you an apology.” He paused as if waiting for her to speak but went on when she’d been quiet for a moment. “I need you to be safe, Angelica.”
Her heart skipped a beat. She moved closer to him, craving his touch but still hesitant. He put the lantern down on the bedside table, his back to her as if he couldn’t bear to look at her.
“I brought you here for selfish reasons, and I’ll understand if you decide to go back to where you will be safer. You have every right to do so.”
The thought of leaving him made her feel cold. “I don’t want to leave you.”
He turned to her, an anguished look on his shadowed face. “I need you to be alright, Angelica.”
She reached for him, putting her arms around his waist and holding him close. His heart beat steadily beneath her ear, the soothing sound comforting her. She closed her eyes, wanting to commit the sound to memory.
He wrapped his arms around her, one hand coming up to rest on the back of her neck, his body heat sending shivers through her.
“I am safe with you.” Her voice was thick with conviction, and she realized she’d never felt safer.
He exhaled, his warm breath tickling her cheek. She burrowed closer, wanting to borrow from his strength to shore up her heart for what she feared was coming.
“I’ll never forgive myself if something happens to you.” The pain in his voice was palpable, sounding ominous in the quiet of the room. He took a step back, loosening her hold on him. “I can send you to live with my mother in Boston. I’m sure she would be kind, and I will provide for you.”
She shook her head. “No.” Her voice was firm, but she shook inside. “I will not leave you, no matter what the risks are.”
He stared at her in the dim lamplight, his thumb caressing her cheek. “I love you, my Angelica.”
Tears slipped down her cheeks. She thought she’d never hear him say those words. His love gave her everything to hope for…and everything to lose. She stretched up on her toes, kissing him gently.
He broke free of their kiss and held her hands, kissing her palm before saying, “Listen, I’m going to need you to trust me.”
She nodded, her heart beating a little faster. He could ask her to leave or send her away…She tried to guess which as she waited for him to go on.
“I need to do everything I can to keep you safe if you’re going to stay here.” He squeezed her hands as if he wanted to take away the sting of his words. “I will step up the ranch security. I won’t be taking you to town or to church until the sheriff comes back to handle the Stillwell brothers.” He watched her for a reaction.
“I understand.”
“And you need to learn how to use a revolver. That’s not negotiable.”
She nodded. “I already know how to shoot a little.”
“I did not expect that.”
She smiled fondly. “While I was waiting for Elly to make sure you and I were a good match, I bonded with the women of the boardinghouse. One young woman, Thea, taught me a little bit about hunting. She impressed me a great dealt.”
“You smile so beautifully when you speak of them.” Holden gently stroked her scarred cheek, his touch making her feel beautiful beneath his fingers.
Clanking dishes sounded from the other side of the door, almost as if intentionally intrusive. Holden exhaled loudly, then said, “It seems we’ve been rude to our guests and they’re hungry.” Just then, his stomach growled.
“You, too, Big Bear.” She interlaced her fingers with his, breathing a sigh of relief as he picked up the lantern and led her to the kitchen.
“I’ve bonded with Cam while you two were gone, and I think we’re going to be great friends.” Tilly nodded toward the stove where she had placed a rug. The pup was curled up in the center of the rug, looking every bit like the runt Holden had called him.
“I hope you don’t mind. I fed him and don’t have the heart to kick him out to the barn.”
“I don’t mind if he stays in the house, if Angelica doesn’t.” Holden looked at her, one brow raised.
Thoughts of Shep resurfaced, giving her pause, but she quickly smiled. “He’s good company. I’d rather have him inside at night.”
“You might rethink that when he turns into the giant he’s bred to be.” Paul spoke emphatically but kept his gaze on the skillet of food.
“He is bred to be a strong protector. I think he’s a welcome addition to the house, as long as Angelica doesn’t mind him being underfoot.” Holden sat across from his brother-in-law and served a hearty portion onto the man’s plate. He served each person in turn and bowed his head.
“Dear Father, thank you for your grace and for this meal. We ask you to lead our hearts to forgiveness for those who committed the injustice we’ve witnessed today. Amen.”
Angelica watched him as he prayed, knowing she should have bowed her head but was unable to take her eyes off her husband. He’d spoken of forgiveness, yet she wondered if any of them would ever truly be able to forgive such a thing.
“How did you name him, anyway?” Paul nodded toward the sleeping pup, fork in hand.
Smiling politely, Angelica said, “It’s short for Camden.” She searched for something, anything, to change the subject. She was talked out and needed time to regroup. “How did you name Lil?” She turned toward Holden.
Tilly laughed, her cheeks growing pink. “You haven’t told her?”
Holden shook his head, “No, but you seem eager to.”
“Well, Lil is the horse that Holden rode out here, all the way from Boston. He got her when she was young and feisty, long before she decided she was going to tolerate a rider. After a few weeks of being thrown off and almost giving up, Holden decided she needed a name. Lil is short for Lil Stubborn.”
Angelica glanced at Holden, their eyes meeting over the lamplight. His held warmth and love that she was certain mirrored her own. “That’s interesting, considering how gentle she is now.”
“Sometimes the surliest among us need a little patience to work through it.” Holden spoke his almost apology quietly, but Angelica understood. Holden needed time, and she’d gladly give it to him.
Chapter Fourteen
Holden strapped on his gun belt and grabbed his hat from the hook by the door, pausing a moment at the sight of Angelica’s hat hanging next to his. Without realizing it, they’d come to fit together as if they’d always been a part of each other.
If she left, he’d always see that hook as hers. The wall would be missing a hat, his life missing his wife. His heart missing the other half. The level of belonging together had deepened beyond a marriage commitment that some said could be undone. She’d become the part of him he couldn’t breathe without.
The weight of that should have made him feel an overwhelming pressure but instead, it brought peace. He wasn’t like
his father; leaving Angelica wasn’t the answer.
He straightened his hat and reached for hers, smiling as he left the ranch house to join his crew for breakfast. The men were obediently lined up, waiting patiently. He didn’t have the heart to tell her that the men she’d somehow gentled were a crew of rough-and-tumble cowhands with terrible language and horrible manners when she was out of sight.
He stood in line, his wife’s smile as he neared evoking a grin. “I brought your hat.” He slipped it on her head, adjusting the brim while resisting the urge to kiss her soft, pink lips.
“Thank you.”
Cam stretched beside her before bounding up to chase a bird. “You’re welcome. It seems your guard dog can be distracted rather easily.”
She glanced back at Cam before grinning at Holden. “He knows you are here, my love. He doesn’t need to be on duty when you’re around because he knows you’ll keep me safe.” She leaned forward and kissed his chin, teasing him with a light brush against his lips where she missed.
Her words pulled him back to his complicated present. “That’s the plan.” She served him a hearty portion of the potato, egg, and sausage meal the men touted as their favorite breakfast. She still kept a good rotating meal plan, but this one showed up at least once a week at their insistence.
“Thank you for keeping us safe.”
“Wait, what do you mean, us?” He stared at her, trying to decide if she was being cryptic or misspoke. Surely his men didn’t need him to protect them.
Her cheeks turned red. She nodded in the direction Cam had bounded off to. “I mean the pair of us, Cam and I.” She smiled brightly.
“Well, he’s on my short-list of things I need to protect. The way he eats, he’d better be ready to earn his keep before long.”
She laughed. “Well, I don’t think it will be too much longer before he does.”
Holden thanked his wife for the food and sat at a table, knowing she wouldn’t be settling down to eat any time soon. There was a line of stragglers coming through, and she patiently served them. He watched her interacting with the work-hardened ranch hands, interested to see the differences she inspired in the men.
Mail-Order Mismatch: Brides of Burlington County, Book Two Page 8