How to Knock a Bravebird from Her Perch : The First Novel in the Morrow Girls Series (9780985751616)

by Bryant Simmons, D.

  “Can you...can you just hold me?”

  Heziah was a good man. An honorable man. So, he did as I asked. Let me hide in his chest. Still had on his suit jacket. The polyester rubbed against my cheek in its own scratchy way. Probably trying to keep us apart. It ain’t work because after a while his body gave in to me and my womanness. I could feel it in his touch and in his breath. The air rose humid and sweaty between us and when he kissed me that just made it worse. Felt like I was dancing through a fog on my tippy toes with Heziah leading the way. He moaned and pulled me on top of him.

  I ain’t never had no loving the way Heziah gave it. Parts of me was thinking wasn’t no honor in it but honor ain’t all it’s cracked up to be. I done had honor in my bed. Had it wrapped around my finger. Had it sewn into the length of my skirts. And kept it out front my house for all the world to see. Ain’t none of that stop my man from loving me his way. With blood and guts and fear. Way I see it, honor be just like heaven or Santa. A real nice sounding word that don’t mean a damn thing.

  But my good honorable man, he did me good. Wound me up. Spun me around. He had me and my womanself. Loving me tight and secure. I ain’t have to think about nothing but him and the feelings between us. The tingles running up and down my spine, promising joy and happiness. Promises I’d long ran out of. Promises that ain’t rightly belong to me, but I took them anyway. Took them from my good honorable man. Because when I looked into his eyes I ain’t see poor Pecan. I was a woman. In all her glory. Squeezing him inside me. Squeezing him tight until I had every last drop of his honor. He ain’t fight me for it. Gave it up willing because I needed it. Gasping at the ceiling, sweat beating off my chest my stuff felt so good, like it should’ve all along. All because of my good...honorable...man.

  Took my time putting my clothes back on. My stockings had a new run that must have happened when things got started. I rolled up one leg nice then sighed as the afternoon peeked through the blinds. We left the motel not long after. Heziah had to be at the carpet store by four for the last shift. I stood out on the concrete slab in front of the door watching as he looked for his wallet. Under the bed...on the dresser...the thing had just up and disappeared. The number six bus was making its way around the corner about twenty feet from the bus stop. If I ran I could’ve made it.

  “Found it. Whew, that would’ve been...bad. What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing. I just missed my bus.”

  “I’ll give you a ride.”

  He said it like it was no big deal, like he ain’t know what it would mean. Even I wasn’t that outta it. Ricky and me was pretty well known in our neighborhood. Black folks had a way of lifting folks up higher than they need to be. Wasn’t nothing really special about us but they ain’t wanna see that. They just saw the big house and Ricky on the TV every now and then. All I needed was my neighbors seeing some man drive me home. It would’ve got back to Ricky in no time.

  “I’ll wait for the next one.”

  “I’ll wait with you.”

  “You don’t have to.”

  “I’m not gonna just leave you sitting on the corner in front of this motel. We’ll wait together.” He sat down at the bus stop first and moved to an angle so he could see me real good. “We okay? I mean this was a big step...right?”

  “Yeah. I guess.”

  He nodded but I could see he was disappointed. “I um...I’m a little older than you. You might have noticed. Probably not what you’re used to.”

  Cars whizzed by, screeching to a stop at the light but I ain’t even notice. It was true, Heziah was more than a few years older than me. And fifty pounds lighter than Ricky. Wasn’t nobody in the whole state that would’ve paid to see that fight.

  “You probably used to...”

  “I only been with one other man before.” He nodded. The disappointment hanging so heavy off the tip of his nose that he couldn’t hold his head up. I ain’t never seen no weakness in him until then. My Heziah was worried about how he’d compare. “Heziah?”

  “Hmm?”

  “You know the girls...they be asking about you. Asking what you’d think or say about something. Wanting to know where you is...they love you.”

  “Yeah?”

  “Yeah. And...um...”

  “Yeah?” He looked at me, already smiling.

  “And me too.”

  He liked that. After I said that he pulled me close so both his hands were on me. Not in a sleazy way just more in a protective way. Like he was wrapping plastic wrap around me to keep me from spoiling. At least that’s what it was at first. After a while his right hand got a little antsy and started rubbing my knee. My dress was making whosh-whosh noises against my stockings. I waited with my eyes closed for the kiss I knew was coming. Slow and dark like my favorite kinda chocolate. And then came this tingling feeling between my legs. I squeezed them together real tight and tried to hold on to it. I was so feeling that feeling that I ain’t hear the car screech to a stop. I ain’t hear the ones behind it blowing they horns. And I ain’t hear the car window being rolled down.

  “PECAN!”

  Heziah snapped outta it before I did. I ain’t wanna look. I ain’t wanna know. I just wanted to keep right on kissing him.

  “Belinda...”

  “Pecan, girl, I know you hear me!” Helen was leaning all the way over to the passenger side. She wasn’t more than five feet away from the curb.

  “You know her?”

  I did. Unfortunately, I did. Helen unlocked the passenger door and I got in. Her mouth dropped open like she had never seen me before then. I could tell even though I ain’t see it. I was too busy looking at Heziah. I ain’t get to say goodbye like I really wanted because the light changed and off we went. “Well? Ain’t you got something to say to me?”

  “Take me home?”

  “Uhh yeah?” Helen could barely keep her eyes on the road; she kept studying me. “You wanna go home, huh? Sure you don’t wanna stop by another part-time lover’s house? Get a little extra loving?”

  “He just a friend.”

  “Girrl, how you gonna pull that with me? That man was all over you. Hell, he had him some pecan pie, didn’t he?”

  “No.”

  “Look at you! You look like you in a damn daze!”

  “No, I don’t.”

  “You betta wipe that look off your face before Ricky catch wind of it. And you can’t be sitting out on the street kissing the man neither. What if I was somebody else? Pecan, you listening to me?”

  I was and I wasn’t. I heard the words but they weren’t making sense to me. I could still smell him all around me. He smelt like sweet sunshine. “He’s just a friend.”

  “And where this friend come from?”

  “Dancing.”

  “You went dancing with him? You trying to let the whole world know?”

  “No. I went dancing with you. And Paula.” It took her a while to remember that night. It had been about two years. If it wasn’t for me having such a good time I wouldn’t have remembered it either.

  “You been seeing him all this time? And you ain’t tell me?” She slammed on the brakes for a yellow light. She was more mad about the second part than anything. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “I don’t know. I’m sorry.” And I was. The light changed and we got moving again. Helen relaxed and I came down off my Heziah-high. “I think I ain’t wanna believe it. But he’s real nice.”

  “Mmhmm.” She steered us through a turn.

  “He works at a carpet store on State Street. He’s a salesman. He reads a lot and he’s got two kids but he’s divorced...Don’t be mad at me, okay?”

  She took a deep breath and tapped her fingers along the steering wheel. “Well does he make you happy? I mean...really happy?”

  “Yeah.”

  We kept still the rest of the ride. Still all the way to my house. Nikki saw us park and lifted Nat out of my rose garden like I wouldn’t notice the dirt stains on my toddler’s knees. Nikki was the oldest but the you
nger ones had more of their own opinions about things. Nikki was the easy-going one. Not really knowing what to do with herself if they weren’t with her. It bothered me more than it bothered her I think.

  Helen sighed and turned around in her seat, just looking at me. “Alright, Pecan. I ain’t gonna say anything.”

  “I know, because you my friend.”

  “Mmhmm. Just don’t do nothing stupid. Ricky ain’t the type to be nobody’s cuckold.”

  I ain’t need her to tell me that. I got out the car and met the girls in the front yard. Mya was lodged on her favorite branch in the big tree in our front yard. So, I ain’t see her right away. One of her legs swung free and she looked me right in the eye and waved. “Hi, Mama!” Her ponytails waved with her. At times she had more hair than I knew what to do with. It grew faster than I could keep it braided.

  “Come down from there! And be careful!”

  Last thing I needed was her to fall and break something. But she just kept right on smiling that bright kinda smile that looked like it ain’t belong to her face. It wasn’t her fault really. She couldn’t help who she looked like. If I ain’t know her I’d probably think she was more like her daddy than she was. It was mostly the outside stuff they had in common. She was real quiet on the inside, peaceful like. Maybe she was more like me than I wanted to see. Maybe that’s what kept us from being real close. I ain’t want no more of me to rub off on her.

  “Mya, I mean it.”

  “Okay...” She wasn’t happy about it.

  Seemed like it took forever for her to reach the ground but once she made it in one piece I realized I could breathe again. “How many times I gotta tell you to stay outta the trees!”

  “I’m careful.”

  “I don’t wanna hear that.”

  Jackie and Nikki were into it over a game of hop-scotch. I was still in somewhat of a daze so I didn’t get most of what they were arguing about but by that point all their arguments sounded the same. Gimme this...Do that...Let it go...all the same. I probably should’ve wondered why the kids were out but not too far away. I didn’t. Later on I figured out that they were keeping watch. Aunt Clara had given them orders to stay outside while she had a talk with me and to make a serious racket when they saw their daddy coming.

  I found her in the kitchen. And the kitchen was sparkling clean, like ain’t nobody ever lived there. She’d been cleaning. That was her thing to do when she was real nervous. She even had a load of clean laundry sitting on the kitchen table that she must have been in the middle of folding when I came in.

  “Where you go, Pecan?”

  I went through the motions of starting supper and she just looked at me real hard like. “Just...around. Helen and me went for a drive.” I tore the plastic from around the chicken and went looking for the meat cleaver.

  “I ain’t see her pick you up.”

  “I took the bus to her and then we...why?”

  “That man called again this morning, didn’t he? Who is he again?”

  “Just a friend.”

  “Men and women can’t be friends unless he funny. He funny?”

  “No. I mean...maybe. How should I know, Auntie?”

  Bits of chicken flesh flew up in the air and she waited until the racket of blade against bone calmed down and I’d shoved the pan of seasoned chicken parts into the oven. Then Clara snickered and followed me around the kitchen like a bloodhound that just caught his favorite scent. “I been keeping quiet around here for too long. Thinking maybe you’d see your way through this. But you in it deep now.”

  “In what, Auntie?”

  “In this man. Running off to meet him...God knows where...”

  “We just friends.”

  “Pecan girl, I reckon you better get to being a damn fine liar if you plan to keep this up.”

  “Keep what up, Auntie? How about chicken and gravy for supper?”

  “Who is he, Pecan? What’s his name? Hmm? Messiah? Tessiah?”

  “Where you get that from?”

  “Nikki. You know she love to talk. She talk all day about things that ain’t none of her business. She talk just hoping that somebody listening. You know that, don’t you?”

  I washed my hands and started in on the laundry. I folded each piece until we had a couple of nice stacks. She followed me around the house as I put stuff away. Clara was determined to get something outta me. She hit me with one question after another. Eventually, I stopped trying to answer them and just shrugged my shoulders instead. It wasn’t really a secret anymore. I didn’t care who knew. Supper smelt so good, that’s what I was worried about. I ain’t want it to burn up.

  “HAVE YOU LOST YO’ MIND, PECAN? HAVE YOU?”

  “No. Maybe. I don’t think so.”

  “You got four babies out there that need they mama! And you got a man that’s crazy.”

  “That ain’t my fault. He’d be crazy no matter what I did. Why you don’t talk to him about his craziness? Instead of putting it on me...”

  “You a grown woman, Pecan. You know what you doing. You know. You gone mess around and get yourself killed!”

  “Least I got to have some happiness before it happened.”

  She stumbled backwards into one of the kitchen chairs, clutching her chest like my words had hurt her. Never seen Clara hurt before. If anybody was invincible it was her. Fact was, I thought she’d be happy for me, proud of me even. In my way, I was living my life. Doing what I wanted to do. I was lying, sneaking, and hiding things but it was the most free I’d felt in a long time. Clara ain’t see it like that.

  “Don’t be stupid, girl.”

  “I ain’t stupid! Heziah...he loves me, Auntie. He really loves me. Ain’t I got a right to that?”

  She saw the tears in my eyes and swore sending specks of her spit flying across the room. “You wanna leave Ricky, leave him. Leave him but don’t you dare leave him for another man. Some men big enough to handle that. But your husband, my nephew, he ain’t one of them. You hear me?” She rose up from the chair and her hands dug into my shoulders not willing to accept anything other than a yes ma’am. “I can’t take that. You hear me, girl? I can’t take nothing happening to you.”

  “Auntie...”

  “Now I know it ain’t fair. Ricky act like a fool on a regular basis. I ain’t gone lie about that but it is what it is. You can’t do this, Pecan. You got too much to lose.”

  I watched Ricky that night. Watched him real close, just like folks watch the lion in the zoo, looking for some sign of the wild beast they know is in there but he ate in his own silence. The supper table was always full of giggles and the clanging of spoons and forks and plates. But he just sat there in the middle of it all, not saying a word, not looking at a soul. And Clara sat watching me watch him. He seemed smaller somehow. Not like the man I married. The man who loved to make me scared of him.

  “Why you staring at me, Pecan?” His words jarred me back to reality and shut down all other talk at the table. “Hmm?”

  “Just wondered how your day was is all.” The girls stared at us like they’d never seen us talk before. I guess it was pretty rare. “What’d you do?”

  “What I always do. Train.”

  “Why?”

  “What you mean why? Because. If I don’t then how I’m gone win? What kinda question is why?”

  “I just mean...” I felt real stupid but it had to be said. I couldn’t just sit there and say nothing. So I rushed the words out my mouth like I might chicken out at any second and take them all back. “I justmean itdon’t seem tomakeyou no happier.”

  “What you talking about, Pecan?”

  “Being happy. I’m talking about being happy. You don’t seem...happy.”

  “I’m happy enough.” Was his reply.

  I felt Aunt Clara take a deep breath, waiting for it. It was my opening. To let out my truth, tell him I wasn’t. That I wanted out. Two words. All I had to say was two words and the rest would just come tumbling out. Two words. Two words. But I cou
ldn’t. I sat there, staring at my plate of cold food. But I wasn’t about to give up on it. I just needed more time.

  Love Me

  "HOW LONG YOU’LL BE having your woman’s time?” Ricky asked. His hands were wrapped around me like my body ain’t belong to just me. My nightgown was all bunched up between us and it was driving him crazy. “Huh, Pecan? How much longer?”

  “Few days.” I couldn’t think of a better lie and just hoped that when my real time of the month came around he wouldn’t notice.

  “Two days, huh? Well that’s it, okay? I can wait two days but then things gotta go back to normal. You messing with my training. Got me all distracted.”

  Ricky rolled over to his side of the bed and all the air I was holding in rushed out. I just couldn’t be with him like that anymore. I ain’t want no parts of him nowhere near me. It was all for Heziah now. Every minute it seemed like I was trying to get to him or planning to get to him. I laid in bed just thinking about what I would say the next time he called, what I would wear the next time he saw me, and all the things I wanted to do with him. Nice things. Dirty things. Like Helen told me once that there was this spot on a man’s nether region that would make him go crazy. That if you pressed it just right he’d be yours forever. I wanted to find that spot on Heziah and see if she was right.

  “Pecan. Pecan.” Ricky shook me until he was sure I was awake. “You making noises.”

  “Sorry.”

  Heziah was even in my dreams. Nasty naughty dreams. I woke up a few times a week all sweaty and outta breath. And it only got worse as time went on. I couldn’t wait for the morning to come because I knew he’d call and I’d feel his voice all over me. Clara ran errands in the morning and had folks to see. So, I’d sit down at the kitchen table and twirl the phone cord around and around my finger. By then the only one of my girls that was at home during the day was Natalie and she wouldn’t tell on me. She loved to run from one room to the other taking things and moving them to where they ain’t belong. She’d take a pan or a plate and put one in the washroom then the other near the door. And as long as she ain’t break nothing I was fine with it. It made her happy so I was happy.