“Stop it! STOP IT!” But they kept right on until I got in the middle of them. Mya was all red and pieces of Jackie’s hair was hanging on one of the nails that wasn’t hammered all the way into the window sill. I couldn’t believe it. “Wh-What’s wrong with you? Both of you!”
“SHE STARTED IT!”
“SHE HIT ME FIRST!”
“SHE MADE ME DO IT!” Mya yelled and I swear I’d never seen her look more like her daddy.
“She can’t make you do nothing. She...she can’t make you hit her. You apologize.”
“But she said—”
“I don’t care what she said! You apologize! I ain’t gonna have you hitting folks! Don’t you ever hit nobody! You hear me, Mya?” I grabbed her by both arms and she went kinda limp but it was too late. I couldn’t stop. “You ain’t gonna turn out to be one of those people! You hear me? I ain’t having it!” Before I knew it I was crying and shaking her. I was trying to parent her. Every mama wants her kids to grow up to be sweet and nice to folks. I was just being a mama. But I ain’t mean to grab her so hard.
“Let me go! I want my daddy!” She took off running at the first inch of slack in my grasp.
“I’m sorry. Mya? I’m sorry.”
I went after her but it was no use. She was faster than me. I got all the way to the front gate but by then she was on the next block. Folks were standing out on their porches, watching me. Their eyes cutting into me, without any mercy whatsoever. I ain’t do that to them, why they had to do it to me?
Came back inside to find my girls waiting in the doorway of the kitchen, looking up at me. Those big sad eyes I knew too well.
“Want me to go find her?” Nikki volunteered like she was some kind of grownup. “I probably know where she went.”
“I know too, Mama.”
“N’all. Y’all go back and watch TV. Mya come home when she ready.”
The kids sat in front of the TV and I went about getting supper ready. Was nothing anybody could’ve said to make me feel worse than I already did. But I had to believe that my girl would come home to me. She wouldn’t just leave me like that. I cracked an egg on the side of a bowl to add to the cornbread and I ain’t even notice the shells floating around in it until I went to pour it in the pan. I was just trying to parent her. I wasn’t trying to hurt her. She had to know that. I just wanted her to understand it was wrong to hit folks.
“The street lights is on. Mama?”
I set the table, put all the food out, and slapped any one of their hands that made a move to touch any of it. “We waiting for your sister. She’ll be back soon.”
“What if she not?” Nikki was a nervous wreck. “Huh? What we gonna do then? What if sh-she get hurt or if somebody kidnap her? Then what? I’m gonna go find her.”
“Nobody is leaving. We will sit and wait. She’ll show up.”
“NO SHE WON’T ‘CAUSE SHE GONNA BE DEAD!”
“Stop it! Ain’t nobody gone die! You scaring your sisters. See.”
Nat was a blubbering mess and Jackie wasn’t too far behind. She tapped me on the arm and said, “I’m sorry, Mama. I ain’t mean to make Mya go away.”
“It ain’t your fault.”
It was Ricky’s fault. He wasn’t even there and he was still messing everything up.
We spent the rest of the night waiting for Mya to show up. Every time the phone rang, me and the kids jumped. The last time it was Clara just calling to check in.
“I ain’t mean to...you think she gone ever forgive me?”
“Kids got a way of forgetting what grown folks don’t. She be okay. You’ll be okay. You just gotta go find her.”
“I can’t...”
“Hun, it gotta be done. You can’t leave that chile out in the world by herself. Ricky gonna have a fit.”
I ain’t get around to telling her about Ricky’s fight. Couldn’t deal with that at the same time. All I could see was what was right in front of me. “What if she don’t wanna come with me?” I whispered to keep the idea from hurting too much but when Clara ain’t respond right away felt like somebody took a knife to my heart.
“You gotta go anyway. You hear me, Pecan?”
“Yeah.”
A good mama would never let her chile go like that, so of course Clara believed me, anybody would’ve. Had been a while since I’d told a lie that folks believed and that one was too easy. Because I couldn’t do it. My knees wouldn’t work. My legs...kept me sitting at the kitchen table. Voice in my head kept saying all the things I knew—she could be in trouble, she could be hurt...but I was stuck, chained to the chair. I wasn’t nobody’s hero. Couldn’t even save myself.
“Mama?” Jackie just appeared right in front of me. I ain’t even hear her coming. “Why you crying?”
“Because I’m scared.” I yanked her into my chest, holding her tight. “Promise me you ain’t never gone run off.”
“I promise.”
“You and your sisters all I got. You hear me?”
“Yes, Mama.”
We ate in silence. Everything was cold by then but it ain’t matter. I ain’t taste none of it. Nikki glared at me from her seat at the table like I’d sent away her best friend. And I let her. Wasn’t a thing I could say. Nothing I wanted to say.
Next morning I woke up with a horrible pain in my stomach. I ain’t never been that scared before. She wasn’t nothing but eight years old. What did she know about the ways of the world? She couldn’t take care of herself. I had slept in my clothes so I made up my mind to just go find her and be back before the others woke up. I had to build up the courage to put on my shoes so that took a minute but soon as I did I grabbed my purse and headed out the door. I ain’t get no farther than the front stoop though. A tiny yelp came outta me and I thought I was gonna explode, I was so happy. She was curled up on the porch swing. She’d come home sometime in the night and was just too proud to ring the bell. Her clothes were all crumpled up and tired looking and she looked up at me like she ain’t have no words. Like she’d gone mute overnight. She was freezing so I went and got some blankets and piled them on us and turned on the TV.
“I’m sorry, baby. Mama ain’t mean to hurt you, okay? I want you to know that. I love you. I love you more than I love me.” I waited for her to say something but that mute look wasn’t going nowhere. She just stared at the TV. I held her tighter, thinking it’d bring us closer together. And she ain’t fight me. She just went limp. “Mya? Ain’t you gone say something, baby?”
“I’m not hurt.”
“Okay.” I checked her arms to be sure and there were no marks on her so I guess I believed her.
Then she said, “I don’t hit people. I don’t, Mama. I just got mad.”
That didn’t make me feel any better. That she got so mad she couldn’t stop herself from attacking her sister. Mya must’ve seen it on my face cause then she said, “If somebody said that to you...said they wanted grandpa to be dead...”
I choked back tears and held her head to my chest. She was right. I would’ve wanted to cause them some serious pain. “But you can’t go fighting with everybody that say something you don’t like.”
“Why not?”
“Because. You just can’t.”
That’s when I made up my mind. For the second time, I made up my mind to leave Ricky no matter what the doctor said about his condition. What he had was contagious like the flu. So, I told the girls we were going to the hospital to visit. I thought that would be easier than telling them to say goodbye to their daddy. I put on one of my favorite skirts and a nice blouse. I ain’t do it for him or nobody really. I did it for me. I wanted to look strong. And I put the girls in their best outfits too so they’d feel the same as me. Mya wanted to wear her play clothes so I had to promise that she would only be in her dress for an hour or two. She made me promise. And I saw her looking at the clock on the way out the door. We were a real sight, though, the five of us. When we got to Ricky’s floor the nurses oooed and ahhed over the girls while I went o
n ahead. Hoping he’d be in a coma like folks in my stories. I’d tell him it was over and the little machine would whine until somebody came in and said in a sad voice, “He’s gone.” Least that’s what I was hoping. It ain’t go exactly like that.
“Pecan!” He pushed himself up and I could see he had all his normal strength. “I was wondering when you was gonna come see me. They ain’t believe I was married.”
I had no words. Just looked at him with my mouth hanging open. Folks had gassed the fight up so much I was expecting...well I wasn’t expecting him to just look normal.
“So. Ain’t you wanna know how I was doing?”
I found myself nodding at his question and when he took my hand I let him. Thirty seconds at his bedside and I’d turned into that girl I hated. It was so damn normal that it made me sick.
“I know things ain’t been real good between us. And I’m sorry about that. I been thinking about it, about you and me. About what you said before my fight...you know what I’m talking about?”
I nodded. He couldn’t say it because nurses and patients were walking down the hall behind me. But I knew.
“Going through this...thinking you about to die...it changes a man. I got to thinking about all the things I got and how lucky I am. I got you and the girls, a nice house, nice car, got something I’m real good at that makes me some good money. Lots of men would want what I got.”
It was all true so far. In fact, I could think of one man in particular that might want all Ricky had.
“I could’ve been dead.” He said it like he wanted me to be shocked by the words. Watched me so close like he was hoping I might break out into tears any minute. “Pecan, you hear me? I could’ve died but I didn’t. You know why?” I had no freaking clue. “Who would take care of y’all if I wasn’t around?”
“We would’ve managed.”
“How? You ain’t worked a day in your life. And Aunt Clara too old to be trying to send money this way. Don’t you see? I realized something. That I’m here to take care of y’all. Make sure you happy.” He started rubbing my hand real slow like and I ain’t know what else to say. He was ruining my plan.
“Ricky I gotta t-t-tell you something.”
“What, baby? What you gotta tell me?” He grinned and dropped his head back on the pillow like he was expecting something good. “Hmm? Go on, I’m listening.”
“I...um...well I think maybe—”
“What? You...you pregnant, ain’t you? That’s it, ain’t it? That why you been pulling away from me? You feeling all delicate.”
“No. Ricky—”
“That ain’t it? You got some other reason?”
“I’m trying to say that um...I think maybe...”
“You think it’s a boy!”
“Ricky, please!” His hands were getting all sweaty so I rubbed mine up against my shirt then folded them under my chest. Shouldn’t of did that because then his eyes went straight there and lit up like a kid in the candy store. “I ain’t pregnant.”
“Yeah you is. I can tell.”
“I ain’t, so stop staring at me.” I could hear the girls’ voices getting closer and I knew I ain’t have much time. I had to tell him before they got there. “I gotta go. I can’t stay. We can’t...”
“Pecan.”
“Hmm?” I couldn’t even look at him.
“What is it? You mad about before?”
“No.”
“Yeah you is. I ain’t gonna be like that no more. Okay? You hear me? You believe me, right?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Then everything’s gonna be alright. We’ll be okay.”
I shook my head and glanced over my shoulder to the door. They were just down the hall. “I gotta go, Ricky.”
“Wait—”
“I CAN’T DO IT NO MORE! I can’t.” My words sucked all the air out the room. But it ain’t seem to affect Ricky none. He just kept right on staring at me. Then his eyes got real small and I backed up out of his reach.
“You leaving me? You come up in this here hospital to tell me that? Huh? I’m lying up here in a goddamn paper dress!”
“It ain’t good for nobody. You and me.”
“It because of how I was. I ain’t gonna be that way no more. I ain’t. Stay. Come on. Gimme a chance to prove it to you. I ain’t always been like that. You know that.”
“Mama?”
“I’m they daddy. Kids need they daddy.”
I put on a fake smile for their benefit and Ricky looked at me as mad as ever. Mya and Nikki went up to him and gave him hugs but even that ain’t wipe away the hard look on his face.
“Daddy, when you coming home?”
“Tomorrow. But your mama not gonna be around for too much longer.”
“Ricky don’t—”
“N’all, you wanna runaway? You go on and tell them! Tell them how you trying to break up our family! You wanna leave? Go ahead! See if I care. But you ain’t going nowhere with my kids! They mine! They belong to me!”
“Come on y’all, time to go. Say bye-bye to your daddy.” Another glance over my shoulder told me the nurse was standing in the doorway gawking at us. She must have thought I was a cruel sorta woman. Show up just to tell my sick husband I’m leaving him. But my girls ain’t think that. They knew better. Half of them felt bad about it, I could see, but even they knew it was how things had to be. “Y’all say bye.”
“Bye, daddy...” Mya wrapped her arms around his neck again and he whispered something in her ear until she nodded.
“Jackie. Nat. Say bye.”
“Bye,” Jackie waved from her position at my side. “We can go now?”
I nodded. The nurse looked horrified as we passed by her on the way to the elevators. Wasn’t my fault I wanted to say. But the only way for her to understand was for me to spill my guts right there on the floor.
The elevator doors closed and Nikki pressed the button for the lobby. “You going somewhere?”
“No, baby. I just don’t think your daddy should be living with us no more.” Jackie opened her mouth to say something but I pinched her right quick so she’d think twice about it.
“Oww mama.”
“Shh. You don’t gotta say everything you think. It ain’t a good thing. Daddies supposed to be good to they families and live with them. It ain’t a good thing when they can’t. You hear me?”
“Yes, Mama.”
“Mya, what your daddy tell you?”
The doors opened up and a bunch of folks were waiting to get on so we had to hurry. But by the time we made it to the big glass doors, Mya turned to me and said, “What if daddy don’t wanna go? What happens if he wanna stay?”
I ain’t have an answer for that.
I was dreading the walk down our block something serious. I knew what I’d be getting before we even left the hospital. I was gonna feel folks eyes on me as we passed one house then another. Ricky’s brand new Cadillac would be parked out front as a reminder of all that he owned. The car. The house. Everything. I had a good idea how the car worked but I’d never tested it. Ricky said was no point in me learning how to drive since I never went anywhere without him.
Before we could get to the bus stop the sky opened up and unleashed all this rain. I only had two coats, a winter one and another one I wore for most a the year. I was wearing the other one because it wasn’t cold enough yet. The rain tore through my coat in a few minutes. Ten minutes later, my fine outfit was drenched too. What kinda justice was that? Ricky was healthy as an ox and I was drowning in rain. I ain’t deserve that—rain clouds and thunder and puddles made of mud that just had to leap up to greet me. It wasn’t fair. I ain’t never did nothing to nobody. I stood there for a minute, glaring at the sky and cussing it in my head. Wherever Heziah was I bet it was shining. That’s the way things went with him. I needed to be near him, to feel that sunshine.
“Where we going?” Nikki asked when we got on the thirty-nine bus instead of the fifteen. “Where we going?”
“S
hh.”
Heziah lived on the first floor of his building. I could see it from the street. The lights were on in the apartment on the right but his was pitch black. When we got to the door of the building people were coming and going so we just slipped in with them. I knocked on the door to his apartment and the woman across the hall opened hers, just to see what was going on. Nosy people. I knocked again. He wasn’t at the carpet store. I’d called there already and they said he wasn’t on the schedule. I knocked again, this time harder. Still no answer.
“Mama, where we is?”
“Shh! Let me think.” A million things ran through my head. I’d just seen him two days before. It wasn’t like Heziah to just disappear.
“Mama, who live here?”
“Heziah.”
“Where he at?”
“I don’t know—he’ll be back soon, though. Okay? So...” The floor was made of diamond-shaped black and white tiles and they looked so friendly I just sat right down. Mya was first to do the same. Studying me like she was about learn something just from my face. “He’ll be here soon. We just gone wait a little bit.”
“But the floor dirty.”
“Then keep standing, Nikki.”
Whatever Nikki wanted to do, Jackie wanted to do the opposite so I wasn’t surprised when she said, “I’ll sit with you, Mama.”
“Thank you, baby.”
I just knew he’d see us and wanna know what was going on. I’d tell him and he’d listen real hard then tell me he loved me and that he wanted me and the girls to be with him. That we could start over, be a family. Heziah was a good man, the kind that would take care of us. I just knew it. Looking at them I figured they knew it too. So we waited. We waited a long time. So long, the sun had gone down and we were all dry and smelling like dew.
“I’m hungry. Can I get some money to go to the store? It’s just across the street.”
Searching through my pocketbook, the truth was staring me in the face. By the time Heziah came home somebody might have locked me up for being a crazy mama. My girls had to eat. I was crazy with a capital C. “We all gonna go. Y’all get a couple bags of chips to share because what I got might have to last us a while.”
Walking across the street I thought I saw the curtains move in the apartment across the hall. The old woman was probably watching us the whole time. Maybe she’d done that before. Watch to see what happened at Heziah’s apartment. Maybe she’d seen women come and go. Maybe she knew all their faces. I tried not to think about it. Just called Helen from the payphone at the corner to pick us up.
How to Knock a Bravebird from Her Perch : The First Novel in the Morrow Girls Series (9780985751616) Page 10