When she got to us, it was raining so hard that I got drenched again just running from the corner store to her car. She was just getting off work, or so I thought. She had on a brown and pink uniform that I’d never seen before.
“What happened?” she asked, not wasting time.
“Nothing.”
“I heard about Ricky.”
“He okay.”
“So that’s what you doing out here? Hmm? Celebrating?” She reached in the backseat and then wiped Nat’s face with a towel before handing it over to Mya. “Girl, you sure making a mess of things.”
“I’m leaving Ricky.”
Helen’s mouth dropped open and she looked from the girls to me. My mouth was growing drier by the second but I wasn’t about to take it back. I had made up my mind. It was time. If Ricky really had changed then he couldn’t be mad at me. He’d just have to deal with it.
“You okay with that?”
“I just gotta find Heziah. He disappeared.”
“Oh, girl...” Helen shook her head like she was thinking something too awful for words but I wasn’t trying to hear that.
“He got a sister up in Wisconsin. Will you take me up there?”
“Pecan—”
“Just take me up there! It gotta be tonight because Ricky’s getting out tomorrow. Please, Helen!”
“I can’t be going all the way to Wisconsin! I gotta work. And you can’t be dragging these kids all over God’s creation looking for this man!”
“You just got off work. We can be back before your shift starts tomorrow.”
Her car sat parked in the lot, the windshield wipers swishing back and forth. Helen sighed and looked toward the stoplight that was changing colors for the cars that were actually going some place. “I got a second job at this diner. I’m supposed to be there in half an hour.”
A second job. I hadn’t heard of nobody needing more than one job. And Helen was single. She only had herself to worry about. It ain’t make sense.
“Stop looking at me like that. Nobody’s buying furniture in this economy. Folks worried about paying the electric bill, not buying a brand new sofa.”
“Oh.”
“What you gonna do, Pecan?”
“I’m gone be with Heziah. He loves me—loves us. He loves us.”
“Yeah but that don’t mean he wanna go from being a bachelor to having a wife and four kids. Girl, that’s a lot.”
“No, you don’t know him. He loves me and he loves the girls. He better to them than their own daddy is!”
“Don’t he have kids of his own?”
“Why don’t you want me to be happy? If you don’t wanna take me to Wisconsin then fine!” I threw open the car door and I yanked back the seat. “Get out. Come on, let’s go.”
“Pecan, it’s raining! Don’t make these kids walk in the rain!”
Least the rain ain’t tell me what I was feeling was stupid. I heard Helen calling after me but I was already looking in my purse for bus fare.
“I got a quarter. I found it in the hospital.”
“Thank you, baby.”
We all had raindrops hanging off our eyelashes. Our best clothes were drenched but nobody said a peep about it. Nat let out a sneeze and I dug around my purse for tissues. Every mama supposed to have tissues and candy in her purse but I couldn’t find one. It was like a dream. I was walking through my own dream. None of it was real. Ricky ain’t get hurt. We ain’t go to the hospital. We wasn’t standing in the rain, waiting on the CTA. It wasn’t real.
“Mama,” Nat lifted both arms, reaching for me so I picked her up, hoping what was left of my body heat might warm her up.
“Mama?” Jackie whispered. “Heziah’s our daddy now?”
“Yeah, baby. Heziah’s gone be your daddy now. I just gotta find him and let him know.”
Missing
"MAMA, WHAT’S WRONG?” JACKIE climbed into bed next to me. Put her tiny hand on my forehead like I did to her when she was sick. “You got a fever?”
“No, I don’t.”
“Want me to sing it away?”
“Okay, baby. Go ahead and sing to me.”
She sat cross-legged on Ricky’s side of the bed, eyes closed, swaying from side to side. Was a song I’d heard before but couldn’t name the singer. Must’ve come from one of Clara’s records. When she’d worn it out real good, her eyes flew open, and she was smiling at me. “Feel better, Mama?”
“Yeah. I’m all better now.”
Jackie fell back on his pillow and whispered, “I know what it is. You thinking Daddy gone show up before Heziah can get to us.”
“No—”
“It’s okay, Mama. I protect you.” She was just a kid but she’d learned to read me just as good as anybody. I’d been held up in my bedroom since the night before, trying not to infect everybody else with what I was dealing with but I guess it ain’t work.
“Mama. We could go away. Go to a great big island where it’s pretty and it’s just us. No boys.”
“Jackie, ain’t no place like that.”
“Uh-huh.” She nodded, determined to make me see it her way. “It be just you and me, and Auntie come back, and Mya and Nat and I guess Nikki could come. And Heziah!” She grinned so big I wanted to laugh. “He’s not a girl but that’s okay. We could make us a great big house made of cakes and we’d eat it all day long.”
“That’s sweet, baby.”
“So come on. You gotta get up so we can go.” She pulled at the sleeve of my robe and my arm stretched across the bed. “Come on, Mama.”
The doorbell rang and the panic gripped my insides. But Ricky wouldn’t be ringing no bell. He had a key. I heard voices downstairs, grown voices, polite and curious. And then I heard them asking how things were. A few minutes later, I heard feet rushing up the stairs. Nikki ran around to my side, her eyes all big and round.
“Them ladies back again. They say they wanna help get things ready for Daddy.”
“What things?”
“I don’t know. They say they gonna cook and clean so you don’t have to. They say they’re gonna come by every day and help out because you gone have to take care of Daddy and you not gone have time for nothing else.”
“Nuh-uh!” Jackie sat right up. She ain’t like that last part none. “We going to an island and it’s gone be just us!”
“No we not. That don’t make sense.”
“Yeah we are!”
“Mama, tell her ain’t no island.”
“There is so a island!”
“No there’s not and you just stupid to think so.”
“Don’t call your sister stupid. That’s not nice.”
“But she just making up stuff!”
“There is an island! Because I say so! And you just mad because I’m not letting you on it!”
“ENOUGH! The two of y’all is gone drive me crazy.”
I settled on a sad looking brown dress and zipped myself up into it. My hair had gotten a tad wild from all the rain and could stand some attention from the hot comb but I ain’t have the time or energy for that so I just pulled it back into a bun. The three of us went down the stairs in single file. My neighbors hadn’t been there for more than five minutes and they were already at home in my house. There were three of them. Anise was wiping down the furniture. She looked up and smiled when I came into the room. The other two were banging around in the kitchen.
“Mrs. Banks and Ms. Hodgkins say they gone make you supper.” Anise explained.
Christine Hodgkins was something of a black sheep in the neighborhood. She was a nice enough girl every time I saw her. I would run into Christine every now and then when I went up to the girls’ school. She had three kids and no man to speak of. All three of her kids had different last names. We all assumed they were named after they daddies.
“Can we go outside?” Mya was already at the door. It wasn’t so much a question as it was an announcement. “Can we?”
“Be back before it gets dark. And watch your
baby sister!”
Nat never let them go anywhere without her. I think she learned to walk just so she could keep up. But it was good for them to get out. I picked up a rag and Anise pushed the jar of furniture polish across the floor to me. She’d done the television and most likely could’ve finished the room without any help from me but I didn’t wanna be bothered with what was going on in my kitchen. Anise wasn’t the real talkative type but the other two would have questions on top a questions. I got started shining things until I could see my face in them. Then the phone rang.
“PECAN!” A voice made of sterling silver rang out from the kitchen. Why she felt the need to answer my phone I don’t know but I hurried in there and Mrs. Banks held it out for me. “It’s some man looking for you.” Audra Banks was probably a real pretty girl in her day but that was a long time ago. She mostly looked tired and proper. And she lifted one perfectly arched eyebrow, waiting for me to explain why some man who wasn’t my husband was calling my house.
“Hey. Where you been?” The phone stretched all the way into the hall so I took it there and leaned against the wall. “I...I went to your place and you wasn’t there.”
“I went to see about a friend. My neighbor said somebody came by. A woman.” Heziah let loose a chuckle. “A woman with a whole bunch of kids, she said. I figured it was you. Everything alright?” He hadn’t heard. He was the only person in Chicago that hadn’t heard about Ricky’s fight. Just made me love him more.
“Pecan, y’all not allergic to nothing, are you?” Christine stuck her head into the hall. “Mrs. Banks was just saying I should ask to be sure.”
“N’all we not.”
“Okay.” Her eyes danced up and down before she took them and herself back into the kitchen. “I’ll just...get started then.”
“What’s wrong?” I could hear Heziah sitting up like there was something he could do from way over there. “Belinda?”
“I can’t—can you hold on for a minute?”
I was grateful that folks wanted to help me so I did my best to be respectful of that. They ain’t have to come over. They probably had their own stuff to tend. Still, I needed some space.
“Oh but, Pecan, you don’t know how hard it’s gonna be, taking care of a sick man and four kids!” Mrs. Banks let the fridge door close and started chopping stuff for a salad. “Trust me, you gonna need supper to already be prepared.”
“Um...actually I’ll be okay.” I was still holding the phone and Christine looked like she was ready to run away but Mrs. Banks wasn’t having it. She was going to do a good deed if it killed her. “Really. I’ll just call you if I need something.”
“No. Now, we’ll have all this pulled together in no time. You just go on back to your little phone call. I bet folks—family just keep calling to find out about Ricky. How he doing by the way?”
“Fine.”
“That’s good. We been praying for him. They say prayer and family are all a person need to bring them home when they in the hospital. He got plenty of that.”
I went back to the hall. The walls could’ve used another coat of paint. It was chipping right in front of me. Not enough to be too embarrassing but enough that I noticed. I could hear Heziah moving around, putting on his coat, rattling his keys. I hadn’t even told him yet but he knew I needed him.
“I’m on my way, okay?”
“Okay.” I nodded and hung up. Ricky was going to be out the hospital any minute and swore he’d never let me live without him. And now Heziah was on his way over.
“Everything alright?” Mrs. Banks mopped over my footsteps.
“My un-uncle. He’s been missing.”
“Oh, honey, that’s too bad. Guess somebody’s got it out for you. First Ricky gets hurt now this. Just hang in there now.”
I needed to get out. I was scratching and clawing at the collar of my dress and my body felt hot all over. The locks on the front door were slippery and cold and then suddenly I felt the cool air rush over me. I couldn’t swallow enough of it but I kept trying. Kept trying until I was huddled up on the porch steps, hugging the beams that held up the banister. I’d truly made a mess of things.
Heziah drove up just as they were taking supper out the oven. Lasagna. The girls had smelt it from wherever they were playing and came running. Mrs. Banks said it would keep well so we could keep eating off it for a few days. I just nodded, smiled, and waved to them from the porch steps. Heziah waited until they were a little ways down the block before he got out of his car. Just seeing him made this calm wash over me. Maybe all that other stuff wasn’t real but he was real. Maybe Ricky ain’t never exist and it was just me and Heziah from the start. He jogged up the steps but before he could say anything out came Jackie.
“Daddy!” Heziah froze. And she went crashing into his middle. His eyes got real big and he just sorta patted her on the back. It was a timid sorta hug. “You gonna be my daddy now. Right? Mama said—”
“Jackie, go on inside!” She looked at me like she had no clue what she did wrong. Just made it all the worse. “Please, baby.”
Heziah smiled down at her and she backed away, looking back every so often to make sure we were still where she left us. “What’s going on, Belinda?”
“I left Ricky.”
“Okay...” he said real slow like.
“So now we can be together. For real.”
“For real?”
“Yeah.”
“That’s why Jackie thinks I’m gonna be her daddy now? Because you told her we were getting married?”
“No—”
“No? You didn’t tell her that? Because that ain’t what it looks like.”
“I just...I just said...what was I supposed to say? I mean you always so nice to her...she think what anybody’d think. I’m supposed to tell her that, what...maybe you don’t want us?”
“I don’t believe you. How could you do this?”
All he had to say was he’d been waiting for this. Waiting until we could be a family. But he ain’t say nothing. He just paced back and forth across my porch with his hands in the pockets of his old worn out jacket.
“You wanna stay for supper? We got lasagna on the table.”
“I can’t do that.”
“Why not?”
“Because you put me in an awful situation! I go in there and they’re thinking it’s because I’m gonna do something that ain’t necessarily true!”
“Why not?”
“Why not? Why not?”
“You love us, don’t you?”
“Belinda, I ain’t tell you to leave your husband. And I never said anything about marrying you.” He stopped pacing long enough to look me in the eye. “You can’t just spring that on somebody. And you can’t go promising that sorta thing to kids!”
“Okay! I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”
“Stop. Stop crying.”
“I…I can’t.” I fell into the warmth of his chest and half expected him to push me away. But he didn’t. He just let me cry on his shoulder. Even unzipped his coat so I could get in it with him. My Heziah was a good man with a hard chest. The briskness of his sweater tickled my cheeks until they were dry and I felt strong enough to stand on my own.
“I do love you. I do. I just can’t be...that to you right now. Things are too complicated.”
“But, it’s been two years. Two years and you been with us...taking us places...you and me we...we made love. Heziah...” His coat collar was turned down so I flipped it up and looked deep into his eyes. “You the best man I ever met. If you don’t love me...”
“You what? You’re gonna kill yourself? You gonna put that on me too?”
“No...”
“I gotta go, Belinda. I’ll call you, okay?” And just like that my honorable man walked away.
The Test
"DADDY!” MYA SPRINTED FOR the front door. I’d never seen her so excited.
Ricky lifted her clear off the ground. It had been maybe three days since they’d seen each other. I guess t
hat was a long time. He hugged the others but with less excitement. I stood back out the way, wondering how hard it would’ve been for him to love them all the same.
“Told you I’d be back. Didn’t I tell you?”
“Yes, Daddy.” Mya nodded, not knowing that he was really talking to me. Saying it for my benefit. I took my coat from the hook by the door and Ricky put his in its place. “Mama, where you going?”
“Yeah, Pecan, where you going? You ain’t gotta leave because of me. We’re family.”
“I’m going to the store. I’ll be back in a hour or so.”
“I’m coming with you,” Jackie said before I could get out the door. I couldn’t argue with her. Why anybody would wanna stay there with Ricky was beyond me. But the problem was when she was putting on her coat, Nat was looking at me with big eyes. And so was Nikki. They didn’t want to be left behind.
“Baby, you stay here.”
“No, I’m coming with you!”
“Jackie. Please. Just stay here with your sisters.” I knelt close to her ear and said, “Please, baby, you ain’t gotta be next to him. Just keep your sisters company.” She ain’t like it. But she handled staying much better after I put it like that.
It was a cold bitter day. Even when I wrapped my scarf real tight around my neck I was still freezing. Chicago winters were like that. Fooling all of us into thinking they weren’t coming then all of a sudden...there they were. The cars and trucks and buses had made dirty snowy tracks in the street. The slush slushed around the wheels of every car that went by. I thought about Heziah and wondered what he was doing. He ain’t work on Sundays so he was probably sitting at home, reading the paper or something. And just maybe, he was thinking about me.
I got to the grocer’s in good time and shook the snow from my boots. Plenty of folks came before me because I could see the same slush that was in the streets at the door. We needed laundry soap, eggs, bread, milk—all the usual stuff. We needed it about twice a month. The carts were freezing like they’d been banished to the outside for years and just let back in. I kept my gloves on as I went up and down the aisles and ignored all the stares I was getting from my neighbors. Since Ricky took to the hospital they made a habit of watching me real close like they were looking for something specific. I don’t know why but that’s what they did. In the freezer part...over near the fruit...at the butcher’s counter. They’d whisper and watch. I wasn’t the first woman to not want her man back but they acted like it was something special for me to do it. That’s why I had to sneak down the women’s aisle. Pretending to be looking for Tampax, in case one of them came by. Tampax was safe. Every girl need some of that. It wasn’t nothing they’d go around telling folks they saw me buy. When I was about done and my cart had most everything I wanted I got in line. And one of them saw fit to come up to me.
How to Knock a Bravebird from Her Perch : The First Novel in the Morrow Girls Series (9780985751616) Page 11