See Me

by Higgins, Wendy

  My parents weren’t dumb, and they knew me too well. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t hide my mood. They planned picnics and walks for us as a family, attempting to cheer me or make me talk. Even when it was raining.

  On the fifth day while thick clouds hovered above, we had a picnic dinner in a small flowery glen. Dad began walking around and pointing out different plants and herbs. He kept breaking off leaves and rubbing them between his fingers for us to smell. The fragrances were strong, spicy, and sweet. He peeled open a root of one and walked over to where I sat on the damp blanket. When he held it under my nose, an image of McKale’s shy smile came to mind. I closed my eyes.

  “Licorice root,” Dad said. “You chew on it to extract the flavor. It’s too tough to eat.” Using a knife to cut off the outer layer, he handed me the bit of root like a candy stick. So this was what McKale often nibbled. When Dad turned around I tossed the thing away.

  “It’s wonderful in tea,” Mom said, stretching out next to me.

  “How do you know all of this?” Cassidy asked Dad.

  “McKale’s been teaching me.”

  My head snapped up. “He has? When?”

  Dad plopped down next to me in the grass, not caring that it was wet. “We’ve taken a few walks together. He’s a smart boy. Has an eye for botany.”

  It kind of warmed my heart that he’d been spending time with Dad. I pushed aside that nice thought and told myself not to care.

  “I think it’s a shame that he sits all alone at meals,” Mom said. “Nobody pays him any mind.”

  “Yes, it’s a shame,” Dad agreed. “I think bad habits have formed over the years, and it doesn’t help that McKale’s introverted. Somewhere along the line he closed himself off to relationships with the others, so he’s partially to blame for having no friends.”

  “He does have a friend,” Cass said.

  “Who? That Clourichaun boy?” Mom asked. “I imagine it’s not the same as having a close friend in his own clan, though. The Clour don’t share the same work ethic as the Chaun.”

  “The Clour have responsibilities in their clan,” Cassidy said. “I mean, I assume they do, because otherwise how could they live. You know?”

  “Doing the bare minimum to get by is a little different than having a hard-working, productive society,” Dad told her. “It may seem sexist the way the Chaun have rigid responsibilities for the men and women, but each individual’s role is important. Everyone benefits from one another’s hard work.”

  Cassidy didn’t contradict or say anything else.

  “You know you can talk to us, Robyn.” Mom reached out and took my hand.

  “I know,” I told her. “Thank you.”

  Inside, I was a bundle of confusion. I wanted them to like McKale and I was afraid if I told them what happened with the FFG, they would get upset all over again. I didn’t want to incite “Protective Dad Mode” and I wasn’t sure how much we needed to worry at this point.

  Eventually the sky darkened and the rain started again, so we gathered our things and began walking back to the village. Mom and Dad took the lead, swinging their linked hands back and forth. None of us were bothered by the soft sprinkles. We’d gotten used to being rained on.

  “Good job playing hard to get with McKale,” Cassidy whispered as we walked.

  “That’s not really what I’m trying to do.”

  “Well, it’s working. He just stares when you play soccer and when you dance at the festivals.”

  “Maybe he’s staring because he can’t believe he’s betrothed to an Amazon woman.”

  “Oh, please.” Cassidy laughed. “If you saw the way he was looking, it’s more like he’s caught between whether or not to punch something or eat you up.”

  “Whatever.” I really did not want to get my hopes up.

  “It’s not his fault the FFG’s stalking him.”

  “I know, but…” But what? “You didn’t see them together.”

  “His body has an auto-response to her magic, Robyn. You should be pulling him closer not pushing him away.”

  I grunted. The fact of the matter was that the FFG was a problem, and she wasn’t going away. I couldn’t seem to stop my instinct of self-preservation.

  “Let’s find the guys and hang out with them tonight!” Cassidy hopped a little as she walked by my side.

  “No, Cass. I’m tired and it’s raining. I just want to go to bed.”

  She exhaled dramatically and flopped her arms down at her side. “Are you, like, depressed or something?”

  I bristled. I didn’t want to be depressed, but maybe I was. And at the moment Cassidy’s pushiness made me feel unreasonably annoyed.

  “I’m honestly tired,” I said. “I get up early and work all day, while some people get to sleep in because they stayed out all night playing.”

  “Hey, I help out sometimes. And you don’t have to bite my head off, geez. I’m just surprised by how you’re acting. I mean, if you want to give up so easily, that’s your prerogative.”

  “I’m not giving up. But I’m also not getting involved in whatever game McKale and the FFG are playing. He hasn’t even tried to talk to me. I don’t expect you to understand. You’re in a pressure-free relationship with a guy who doesn’t have a life-sized murderous Barbie telling him to stay away from you.”

  Up ahead, Mom turned to glance at us and we smiled automatically, lowering our voices.

  “Well, if it was me, I’d fight for him. That’s all I’m saying.”

  “How do you fight a Fae, Cass? You can’t! Even if I somehow make him really want me, I can’t make her stop wanting him!”

  “I was only trying to talk, sheesh. Calm down and take a Midol,” she grumbled, quickening her footsteps until she was alongside our parents.

  I sighed and crossed my arms, walking alone. I hated these ugly feelings and I knew I was taking it out on the people I loved. This was not me. Something had to give. Soon.

  On the tenth morning after the date that didn’t happen, I smiled to myself and placed a warm brown egg into the basket on my arm. It was the first dry morning, which lifted my spirits. Preparing to reach into the straw and feel for another, I caught sight of something moving on the other side of the fence that was bigger than any farm animal. I stood abruptly, banging my head on the top of the hen house and making a chicken squawk and flap her wings.

  “Ow. Sorry,” I said to the hen. Then I stooped to set down my basket. Through the slats in the wood I spied McKale’s profile and my stomach flipped. The hen stared up at me like she was wondering what I was waiting for. I took a deep breath and ducked out of the hen house to face him.

  I looked at him openly, hoping he would see that I was glad for his visit. And insanely relieved that he’d sought me out.

  He stood there shifting his feet, his arms behind his back. His sideburns stuck out more than usual, like he hadn’t bothered to trim them. I took no satisfaction knowing this situation was affecting his grooming. But maybe if he let himself go long enough the FFG would lose interest. Ha.

  “Are you on your way to work?” I asked.

  “Aye,” he whispered, more gruff than usual.

  In a slow movement, he pulled his hands from behind his back and held out a tiny woven basket brimming with plump strawberries and blackberries. “I brought ye something, Robyn.”

  My heart sputtered.

  He held the berries out to me in the palm of his long hand. I reached out and took his offering, pulling it gently against my chest.

  I’d never seen any berries in the kitchens. There were mostly breads and proteins in there. Fruits and veggies were picked outside and eaten at will, like snacks. I noted the slight way McKale’s hand shook, and the look of anticipation in his eyes as he watched me, waiting. It was then that it hit me.

  This was a gift.

  “Thank you,” I whispered, feeling everything that had hardened inside of me softening again, that easily. Guilt for avoiding him punched me from the inside and I
felt horrible for the wall I’d built around myself.

  A relieved huff of air blew from his lips and he put his hands on his hips, hanging his head.

  “I’d best be on my way,” he said.

  “Wait.” I stepped forward, but I had no idea what to do or say. What happens now? Movies and books always made it seem so easy to open up and talk to someone you liked. But in real life it was so, so hard.

  “Have you seen her again since that night?” Of all the questions I could have asked him, this was the one I didn’t even want to know the answer to. Why was I torturing myself? It was bad enough that I’d lie in bed every night imagining her sneaking through the portal and slipping into his room.

  McKale’s forehead tightened at the question and he hesitantly met my eyes. “No.”

  “You know you can’t have us both,” I whispered, feeling courageous.

  I almost told him that he couldn’t have his cake and eat it too, but he probably wouldn’t understand the old adage. It was a stupid saying anyway.

  McKale looked tense enough to bolt at any second, but I was all geared up now, so I kept going with nothing to lose.

  “I need you to know, McKale, that I want this to work. I like you—”

  “Robyn…” The tone of his voice was laced with layer upon layer of “I don’t believe you,” and it frustrated me.

  “Why is that so hard to believe?”

  He stared downward, running a hand over his face while I questioned him.

  “When you were growing up, didn’t you ever wonder about me? About what I’d be like? Didn’t you ever get excited that it could be good?”

  I knew he was way out of his comfort zone, but I didn’t care. He opened his mouth and paused a second before blurting, “Aye, Robyn, I wondered. And I assumed you would dread the arrangement as much as I. No female had ever shown interest in me until…”

  I closed my eyes and held up my free palm like a stop sign. “Until her.” Familiar envy churned, but I forged ahead. “You might have been dreading our binding, but that doesn’t mean I was. Some day I’ll make you believe me. I’ll prove it to you.”

  “You needn’t prove anything. Ye’ve already surpassed my every expectation.”

  “Only because your expectations were so low.”

  He winced.

  The morning chores weren’t complete, however I needed to take advantage of this moment while I was feeling brave.

  “Come with me,” I told him. Still clutching the basket of berries to my chest, I headed toward my hut with McKale following, silent.

  “Wait right here,” I said when I got to my room and he nodded. “I’ll be right back.”

  Cassidy sat up groggily in her bed.

  “Whatcha doin’?” she asked.

  I bent down to the bin, opening it and taking out the soccer ball. I felt a rush of excitement mixed with nerves. Cassidy’s eyes got huge and she perked up.

  “You’re giving it to him?”

  “Yep. Get dressed and come help me with the animals in a little bit. I’ll tell you everything.”

  She fell back on the bed, kicking and punching the air. “Yes! Yes! Finally!”

  I left the room smiling. When I saw McKale leaning against the wall of our hut it was my turn to feel shy and uncertain. He eyed the ball with curiosity as he came to stand in front of me.

  “I guess you haven’t heard of the World Cup, have you?” He shook his head, so I briefly explained how it worked. As I held his interest and attention it hit me all at once how much I’d missed him. He crossed his arms and listened as I told him about the game we’d attended.

  As he stared down at the ball in my hands, his arms uncrossed and fell to his sides. It was hard to breathe, I was so nervous. When he finally looked at me I had to grit my teeth against a wave of emotion. He wasn’t crying, but his eyes were definitely shining, and his face wore an emotion of awe and disbelief.

  “It’s for you, McKale.” I held out my offering, just as he’d done. I was awarded with an adorably boyish grin.

  “Truly?”

  “Yes. It’s been yours for a long time. And if you accept it, I want you to use it. Have fun with it.”

  He reached out and placed a hand on each side of the ball, but didn’t take it yet.

  “I’m honored to accept this gift from ye, Robyn.” His eyes were bright and the walls around my heart were smashed to pieces.

  “I’m honored that you will accept it.” I swallowed hard as he took the ball from me. “And maybe we can play together?”

  “I’d like that very much,” he said.

  “Have a good day at work,” I whispered.

  I clasped my hands behind my back. He gave me a small bow and ambled away, absorbed in every detail of the ball. But when he got to the corner he stopped to glance back. I stood still, soaking in the look of him. That brief glimpse of gratitude spoke volumes to my heart. Come what may, I would not be avoiding him again.

  IN THE HOURS BEFORE supper, I sat in a quiet corner of the open field to paint my nails. I leaned back against a tree at the edge of the forest, admiring my view of the village. It was interesting and sweet to see a few of the younger males helping the women folk do their chores, mostly the heavy lifting. They had flat carts, resembling wheelbarrows, which they used to move buckets of waste to a far area of the lands where they made compost.

  Laughter sounded in the forest behind me. Rock chased Cass down the nearby path, and when he caught her, he pinned her to the tree and kissed her with a passion that surprised me. I had to look away and keep myself from yelling when he started getting handsy. I’d been so preoccupied with my own drama and emotional overload that I hadn’t taken time to ask what was up with those two.

  Cassidy didn’t have the best track record when it came to guys. She couldn’t have a romantic fling without becoming emotionally involved. Rock posed a huge dilemma—too many factors stood in the way of them being together. His history being the biggest. Second being no way of having a long distanced relationship. Rock didn’t exactly have WIFI out here.

  Cassidy came bursting out of the trail, running right past me.

  “Hey,” I called. She spun, looking breathless and flushed, and smiled when she saw me.

  “Hey.” She came over and sat down at my side. “Ooh, paint my nails?”

  “Sure. You look happy.”

  “Yeah.” She placed her hand on my knee and zoned out, visiting la-la land while I painted. I waited until I was on her second hand to talk.

  “So… what’s up with you and Rock?”

  She was silent as I swiped the polish twice over her pinky nail. I was afraid to look up.

  “I’ve never met anyone like him. Ronan’s amazing.”

  Ronan. Yeah, she had it bad.

  “Amazing, huh?” I looked at her now, at the dazzled glint in her eyes.

  “What would you say if I told you I’m thinking about… you know…?”

  Uh, what the what? I cleared my throat and I fought to stay calm as I answered. I didn’t want her doing anything she’d regret.

  “I would say I think it’s a very bad idea.”

  Her face tightened. “Why?”

  She really had to ask?

  “Cass, why would you give your virginity to a miscreant cousin of the Leprechaun who you’ll probably never see again?”

  It came out meaner than I’d meant, like a major bash against her overall judgment, not to mention the guy she liked. She yanked her hand away from me.

  “Oh, did I say thinking about it?” she snapped. “I meant I already have.”

  “What?” I leapt to my feet, standing over her. “No. You’re lying.”

  She shrugged nonchalantly, the challenge leaving her.

  I needed to stay calm, but my voice rose despite my efforts. “When?!”

  She looked away from me. “The night we first went to the waterfall.”

  Oh, my goodness. She was serious. I thought back to that night. “When he stole our clothes? T
hat was, like, our second day here!”

  “Yeah, I guess I’m just fast like that.” Her eyes filled with hurt.

  “No, that’s not what I said, Cass. I just meant… that was a long time ago. Why didn’t you tell me?”

  Reigning in my emotion, I sat back down across from her. Cassidy had never withheld anything from me. I knew every detail of how far she’d gone with all of her past boyfriends. We told each other everything.

  “Because I knew you’d react like this.” She crossed her arms, then uncrossed them and checked to see if she’d messed up her nails. “And because you were busy. And sad. I didn’t want to upset you more.”

  While I’d been wallowing in self-pity about the stupid FFG, my baby sister had lost her virginity and had nobody to talk to.

  “I wish you would have told me,” I whispered.

  “I’m sorry, Sissy.”

  She hadn’t called me Sissy in years. Cassidy’s eyes scrunched up and she covered her face as all the emotion she’d kept hidden came to the surface.

  “Oh, Cass.” I sat down and held her close, letting her lean on my shoulder. “I’m the one who’s sorry. I should have been there for you.”

  I was pretty sure Cassidy had never kept anything secret for two weeks.

  “This whole trip I’ve been so emotional,” she sniffed. “I cry almost every time I’m alone. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

  I did. In a way, she was losing her big sister. We only had a couple more months together. There was also the fact that she couldn’t help me against the FFG. Things weren’t working out the way we’d hoped. And then there was Rock: a fun distraction to help her escape it all.

  “This whole thing has been overwhelming for both of us,” I told her. “But no matter what, don’t ever feel like you can’t talk to me. No matter how crazy things are.”

  She sat up, nodding.

  “Here comes McKale,” she whispered, wiping her eyes.