When To Fear The Living

by B. L. Brunnemer

  I was drinking my water as Ethan started to sing Lullaby by Nickelback. Everything inside me went still, his voice was different. I walked to the side of the stage and watched as Ethan sang his heart out. He gave the song everything he had, I had never heard him sing it this way before. The song was about reaching out to someone who wanted to commit suicide, that you understood it because you had been there yourself. My heart ached, and my eyes burned as I watched him. He was talking to someone, and I had no clue who it was. Ethan had a lot of friends that I didn't know. Halfway through the song he faltered, he missed his next cue, I didn't think. I flipped on my microphone and started the next verse. I walked out on stage without taking my eyes off him. His gaze met mine as he played. I went to my usual mark and kept singing. When he was ready, he joined in on the chorus, we finished the song together. Ethan took a deep breath, turned his back on the crowd and took a deep drink of water. His hand still shaking, he needed a second so I turned to the crowd and gave them a big smile.

  "Sorry about that. I was taking a drink, and I missed my cue," I offered to the crowd with a shrug.

  "Yeah, Lexie, you gotta watch that. You almost hung me out to dry," Ethan said as soon as he could turn around. I shot him a look. Ethan chuckled along with the crowd.

  "We're trying something new tonight," Ethan announced to the crowd as he put his guitar down and moved to the keyboard. "This is an older cover, but Lexie says it's a goodie. And as you see, you don't piss off Lexie." The crowd chuckled.

  I brought the mic to my lips, "Finally figuring that out, huh?" Everyone chuckled. I smiled at him before looking out at the crowd. Ethan played the first few notes of Good Enough. It was another song you had to give everything into to make it work. I concentrated on my voice, the key and the pitch. I kept my eyes closed until I knew I could open them and still do it right. I looked at the back wall and kept singing. I thought of the guys, they really had helped me feel this way. So, I gave it everything. When the song ended, I walked off stage, turned off my mic, and took a big drink of water. Almost done, almost done. I took another deep breath and another drink. Fuck! Never wearing my hair down again, I was still fanning myself at the end of two songs. Okay, Lexie. Last one. I picked up my mic and bounced on my toes. I had this song down.

  It was Ethan's song suggestion to give Dylan the message to fuck off. I grinned, he really needed to get the message, and I was going to really enjoy sending it. The song ended, and I headed back on stage turning my mic on as I went.

  "Lexie, being a redhead, of course, has a little rage she needs to let out," Ethan told the audience smiling. I put the microphone to my lips.

  "It's not because I'm a redhead Ethan, it's because I'm a small, pissed-off bitch," I pointed out matter-of-factly. The bar chuckled.

  "At least you own it, honey." Ryan's voice had me looking over my shoulder. I sent him a smile.

  "That I do," I said proudly. The guys played the first few notes of U & UR Hand by Pink.

  Then I sang. I thought about Dylan and the way he dumped me, all the shit he'd put me through since, and I got angry. I belted out the song, I got into it, feeling every word. I opened my eyes to see the crowd dancing and having fun. And this time I didn't have a problem. I found Dylan in the crowd near the back with his friends, I met his eyes as I hit the chorus. I smirked at him as I sang. I was sending Dylan a fucking message, and I wasn't subtle about it. Jake was standing next to him, laughing his ass off. I loved how it felt. I stopped giving him any attention. I looked over the crowd, and for the first time, I understood why Ethan loved doing this. When it was over the crowd went wild, I stepped back smiling. I finally got it out, and it felt amazing. If Dylan didn't get the message now, he's not listening.

  "That's it for Lexie tonight, wasn't she great guys?" Ethan announced. The crowd applauded and hooted. Someone shouted, asking if I was single. Ethan laughed it off as I ignored it. I took a tired bow and straightened. Ethan wrapped an arm around my waist and gave me a squeeze. I smacked his hand and stepped away giving him a flirty pissed-off smile, he smirked at me. It was all for the crowd. "We'll be taking a short break, but we'll be back in fifteen," Ethan announced. I shut off my mic and headed off stage with the others. We headed out the back doors since it was hot as hell inside. The sweat covering me instantly froze, cooling me down, it felt great. Ryan turned around, he hugged me tightly, lifting me off my feet and spinning me around. I laughed as I wrapped my arms around his shoulders. The others laughed as he put me down.

  "You have to join the band, Lexie!" Ryan told me immediately. I snorted. "No, seriously, with your voice, we can play just about anything."

  "I'm your place holder Ryan, sorry but no," I said sweetly in my now slightly hoarse voice. Ryan looked at Ethan.

  "Ethan come on," Ryan pleaded. "When you two get on stage the whole crowd pays attention. They love that whole will they or won't they shit. Every time we play here, the crowd gets bigger." Ethan ran a hand through his sweat soaked hair.

  "She doesn't want to be in the band, Ryan," Ethan said again. "She has her own plans."

  "At least now you know what you're looking for," I offered, feeling a little guilty. Ryan groaned.

  "Yeah, someone with a voice, that Ethan has chemistry with and he won't hit on." Oliver groused. "We're screwed." I groaned. They were right, fuck. I sighed.

  "I will stick with you guys ‘till you find someone, as much as I can, alright?" I offered. It was all I could do. The boys lit up and Ryan practically tackled me to hug me again.

  "Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!" He hugged me tight. I gave him an awkward hug back.

  "But you have to be looking," I told him seriously.

  Ryan let go and stepped back. He held up his right hand. "Scouts honor." I was started to get chilled.

  "I'm heading in to see the guys. Kick ass on the next set." I walked back inside and Ethan followed. When we were out of ear shot, Ethan pulled me to a stop.

  "Thanks for saving my ass out there," He said quietly. I gave him a small smile.

  "Are you okay?" I asked, not really meaning to. His eyes snapped down to mine. He took a deep breath and let it out.

  "Yeah, I just..."

  "I get it," I said. "You know you can talk to me, right?" He gave me a small grin.

  "Yeah, I know," He whispered. I reached up and pulled him into a hug. He held me tight, his face in the crook of my neck.

  "Love you," He whispered as he squeezed me.

  "Love you too," I whispered back. When he let me go, I gave him a big smile and headed back to the front. I headed for the curtain as I pulled my hair up into a ponytail. Club music was pouring through the speakers. I pushed aside the curtain and headed into the bar. I needed to get my tea, my throat was already sore but I didn't make it far.

  "Hey, sweetness," Jake said beaming down at me. I smiled back.

  "Hi, how'd he take the fuck off song?" I asked, wickedly. Jake snickered.

  "It was fucking hilarious," Jake declared before grabbing my hand and pulling me towards the bar. He knew I needed tea after my set. I followed listening as he described Dylan's reaction.

  "He actually said, 'Is she talking about me?'" Jake said. I laughed.

  "I was looking at him in the eye, how could he miss it?" I asked as I shook my head. Jake was laughing too.

  "Oh, that's not all," He told me as we reached the bar. I ordered my tea and turned back to him, his eyes were sparkling with mischief. "Aaron actually said, 'No shit Sherlock.'" I burst out laughing again. "I had to explain to him that you were telling him to 'go fuck himself,'" Jake said, his face red. "How'd that feel?" He asked.

  "That felt awesome," I admitted, smiling a big smile. Then I turned my attention back to Jake.

  "So, did you go fishing?" I asked. He sighed.

  "As much as I could with Asher," Jake admitted. "I didn't get much, but I can tell you that when you were on stage, he couldn't take his eyes off you." I sighed, trying not to be disappointed.

  "That's becau
se he knows I'll grill him about my performance later," I explained. Jake looked doubtful. I eyed him. "Where's Derrick?" Jake smiled.

  "On his way over here, he wanted to tell you how great you sounded," Jake told me just before Derrick stepped out of the crowd and leaned against the bar on the other side of me.

  "Hey Lexie, great set," Derrick announced. I turned to him and smiled.

  "Thank you!" Then I became serious. "Did I go off key? Out of pitch?" I asked.

  "No, you were perfect," Derrick assured me.

  "I'm off to the bathroom, sweetness," Jake announced. He kissed my cheek before moving off into the crowd. Derrick watched him go with a tiny disappointed look on his face. My mouth dropped, I burst out giggling. Derrick turned to me, his face white. He opened his mouth to say something, but nothing came out. I kept laughing. When I could, I looked up at him.

  "You-you like him," I said. His face flamed red as he shook his head.

  "No, I don't," He insisted. I just started laughing again. Derrick dropped his head onto his crossed arms on the bar. He groaned painfully. I felt a little bad, after all, he wasn't in on the joke. I wrapped my arm around his shoulder and leaned down to whisper in his ear.

  "You're gay."

  He shook his head. "I'm bi," He grumbled before looking at me while resting his chin on his arms. "I like both. Those jeans make your ass look great by the way," He pointed out with a smirk. I gave him a smile.

  "Thank you. And you like Jake," I stated. He sighed wearily.

  "For about a year now," He admitted. I snickered, I couldn't help it. He straightened as my tea came. "What's so funny?" He asked. I paid for my tea as I calmed down.

  "You need to tell him," I said as I squeezed some lemon into my tea.

  "Fuck no," Derrick snapped. "We've been friends since pre-school."

  I smiled to myself.

  "What's holding you back?" I asked gently before blowing on my tea. He sighed.

  "I know I'm bi, but I've never dated a guy," He admitted. "Whereas...."

  "Jake has," I finished for him. He nodded. "But Jake has never really dated, has he?" Derrick thought about it.

  "Well, no, not really." He admitted. I smirked.

  "So, you two might be on more equal footing than you thought," I pointed out. Derrick sighed as he thought about it.

  "Maybe," He said uncertainly. "What if we crash and burn?"

  "Do you think you two could still be friends?" I asked, curious. He thought about it.

  "Honestly, I think so," He said. "I don't see how we couldn't. It might take time but..." I smiled to myself.

  "Then tell him, or better yet show him," I said as I wiggled my eyebrows suggestively. He shot me a look. "Seriously, do it. You won't be disappointed." He eyed me.

  "What do you know?" He demanded. I snickered.

  "Enough to tell you to go for it," I smirked. He looked like he was going to throttle me. I gave him my shit eating grin. He went to say something, but Jake joined us.

  "Okay, what I miss?" Jake asked as he stepped up to my other side. Derrick swallowed hard as I got my smile under control.

  "Oh, Derrick was about to go for a walk outside. It's too hot in here," I said, nonchalantly. "Why don't you go with him, you know, there might be some drunks out there or something," Jake eyed me. I just smiled at him and gave him nothing.

  "Sounds like a good idea," Jake said slowly before looking to Derrick. "Let's go. I could use a walk." Derrick nodded, his face pale. I gave him an encouraging smile before they disappeared into the crowd. I giggled to myself, oh Jake was going to be so surprised! I couldn't wait to hear all about it. I took my tea and walked through the crowd to find the guys on the other side of the bar. I found them in a booth, Isaac scooted over immediately so I could I sit down.

  "I know, I did awesome," I announced confidently. They chuckled.

  "You really did," Asher said, smiling down at me.

  "You even started looking comfortable up there," Isaac chimed in. The guys started talking about how the crowd reacted to each song in the first set while I listened and drank my tea.

  "All the girls went crazy when you and Ryan did the duet," Asher told me. "They were all wondering if you two had feelings for each other and how jealous Ethan would get." I winked at him. The guys knew it was an act, and that was it.

  "Hey everyone," Jordan said, coming up to the booth. "Lexie, that was amazing." He smiled down at me. I shrugged.

  "Thanks, but I'm just place holding 'till they find someone else they could use more permanently," I said politely. I really didn't want to be hit on right now. I was tired and so not looking for anything with him.

  "They'd be insane not to keep you." Jordan's voice was nice and smooth. But that was it.

  "I'm doing it as a favor to Ethan," I admitted, wishing he'd talk about something else. Isaac bumped my shoulder with his, I bumped back. Jordan ignored it.

  Jordan gestured over his shoulder towards the dance floor. "Do you want to-"

  "Actually, I need to go get some more tea," I announced before getting to my feet. Isaac followed.

  "I'll join ya, Red," Isaac added. I started walking towards the bar. "Sorry man, but if she doesn't have more tea in the next ten minutes, she's going to lose her voice for a few days," Isaac said apologetically to Jordan. Jordan seemed to buy it.

  "Yeah, no problem, I'll talk to you after," Jordan said. I just gave him a smile and followed Isaac through the crowd. When we reached the other side of the dance floor, I pulled him to a stop.

  "Thanks, Cookie Monster." His amber eyes met mine.

  "You were kind of screaming 'get me out of this conversation.' And you weren't subtle." His voice was a matter of fact. I snorted.

  "Yeah, I'm so not interested in Jordan," I admitted looking around the crowd. "I'm still dealing with Dylan's bullshit." Isaac pulled me onto the dance floor and slow danced with me. His hands went to my hips, my arms to his shoulders.

  "He hurt you, didn't he?" Isaac's voice grew softer. I sighed.

  "Yeah, he did," I admitted as I looked up at Isaac. "Then he kept calling, texting, trying to talk to me and it's made it a lot easier to not feel that way anymore," I grinned as he laughed.

  "So, Dylan being a dick is making you feel better?" He asked.

  "It just shows me the guy I cared about didn't exist," I said matter-of-factly. "I miss what I thought I had, but that's about it at this point. I just wish he'd stop trying to talk to me." Isaac's eyes were understanding.

  "If he doesn't stop, I'll kick his ass this time," He offered.

  "And I'm going to let ya," I admitted. Isaac chuckled. "But I don't think you'll have to, his friends apparently had the idea that I dumped him. They aren't happy with him either." I smirked. Isaac raised an eyebrow at that. We danced until the song was over then I told Isaac I was tired. He agreed to sneak me out. He took my hand and pulled me through the bar until I was back at the stage curtain.

  "Get some sleep Red, you did great," Isaac assured me.

  I rolled my eyes and went backstage. "Tell the guys I said night."

  "You got it," He said before he dropped the curtain behind me. I went back to the hook where my jacket was and pulled it on. It was freaking cold now, next time I was bringing a sweater to pull on before going home. I eyed Ethan's jacket on a hook, it would serve him right if I took it. I sighed and left it where it was.

  I went out the back, and walked through the empty plowed gravel parking lot, humming under my breath. It had been a good night. I did great, and I had to admit it was fun. I thought about Ryan and Ethan asking me to join the band. It would be a lot of fun, but that's all it would be to me, fun. To Ethan and the others, this was their life, their passion. And they needed someone who would be just as dedicated as they were. I sighed as I reached the Blazer. They'd find someone, and it'll be great. I went to pull out my keys when something pressed over my mouth, something hard wrapped around me. My heart slammed as I dropped my keys. I was jerked back against a hard body.
Stunned, I froze in a hard grip.

  "It's okay, I'm not going to hurt you," A guy's voice whispered in my ear. "I'm going to get you away from them." My chest grew tight, fear knotted my gut as I realized what was happening. "I'm taking you somewhere safe. Somewhere they can't hurt you." He was going to take me? Oh, hell no! Adrenaline surged through me making my veins burn, I slammed my head back and hit a chest. I tried to drop so I could get an elbow free but his arm tightened around me and lifted. My feet came off the ground as he began moving away from the Blazer. I tried to scream, but his hand kept me from making a loud enough noise. I struggled against his hold and bit down on his fingers. I tasted blood, he cursed. Then he yanked his hand away from my face.

  "Asher! Parking lot!" I shouted as he brought my feet down to the ground. I broke an arm free and drove it into his gut, his hold loosened instantly. I moved to the left and drove my fist back into his groin. He grunted as my fist hit solid thigh muscle. I slammed my foot down on his, his arm fell away. I ran, heart pounding in my ears, lungs tighten in my chest. I was jerked back by my coat, I slipped out of it and kept moving.

  "Asher! Parking lot!" I screamed this time. A weight hit me, driving me into the gravel; his hard grip went to my arms, bruising.

  "I'm trying to help you!" My attacker snapped at me as he rolled me onto my back. He was strong, broad shouldered, he wore a ski mask and all black. That's all I saw before I was fighting back. I swung at him, but he grabbed my arm and pinned it to my chest, I tried to go for his eyes, but his hand grabbed that arm and ground it into the gravel. Rocks bit into my back under our weight.