Love, Life and Naughty Bits

by Tania Cooper

  “Well … okay then … thanks, I think.”

  “Okay, I have to ask, and this is hard for a guy to ask, but are we on the same page here? Or do I have to check out and find the right book?”

  “No, you’re doing okay, maybe a page or two either side of where I am, but you’re doing fine.”

  “Well, okay then, I don’t feel like the proverbial idiot lost in a supermarket anymore.”

  “Good. I would hate to put out the fire before I have a chance to get nice and crispy from the warmth.”

  “I swear, if I had a face I would be grinning, but we’re here for our boy and girl. Let’s see what we can do to get these two idiots to actually commit to what they won’t yet admit.”

  “You’re full of pseudo poetry at the moment. Have I hit on a soft spot?”

  “Huni, when you’re around, I’m anything but soft. Well, when my boy isn’t as nervous as a kid at the end of year formal at least. Oh shush, Lane’s going for it, the whole work excuse, for real this time.”

  “It better be a good one.”

  “Should be, my boy doesn’t do cheesy, well, not all the time.”

  “No that’s just you.”

  “Ha bloody ha, now shush, they’re getting a little closer, this may actually work.”

  “So, Lane, you haven’t actually told me what this ‘meeting’ is all about. I was beginning to think you had enough of seeing me all week. A girl could get to thinking this is more than a work thing; but then I know you’re not that coy about things. Well, not according to the girls in your office at least.”

  “Ha, no, well, no, if I did have intentions you’d know it, well, I hope you would. But no, this is purely work. I just like the intimacy and quiet setting, it’s more of a change of pace to the office. To be honest, I’d have brought you here sooner if it wasn’t for … well. I had thought at first that you didn’t really like the idea of working with me.”

  “I’ll admit, I didn’t, what you hear on the grapevine and office gossip that and well …”

  “Go on, tell me.”

  “Holy shit, that is a smooth move, the leaning in and setting a comforting hand on hers to coax a more revealing conversation. I honestly thought he’d miss that. Hot Lips, are you pushing your girl to open up here? She is being a little more honest than I thought she would be.”

  “I’m giving her a nudge in the general direction, just make sure you reciprocate, okay. But not too deep, no past love lives crap. We both know the reason behind things, but these two, well, they’d run a mile if it came to a head too soon.”

  “I honestly thought you hated me. Whenever you see me you always get this cold scowl and it always made me feel a little … well … insecure around you.”

  “Shit, that’s a little too open, Hot Lips! Have her do something cute, I just felt his heart drop a bit, damn it. Uh, have her smile and drink while looking at him over the glass, my boy has a big thing for sexy eyes and hers are awesome. Do it now!”

  “Shit okay, here we go.”

  “Whoa nelly, that has sent his heart racing. Tell me, is he holding her hand a little too tightly, his grip just tensed a bit, I’m seeing nothing in his head but the image of her eyes.”

  “Trust me, it’s all good, I’m wetter now than ever. If we’re not careful, she’s going to leave a patch on the seat.”

  “Okay, quiet now, we have to be careful here.”

  “Lex, I’m sorry about that, I know how I can be. It’s well, it’s complicated. Let’s not spoil this nice lunch with talk of old issues, suffice it to say, I have enjoyed these past weeks working with you. Your attitude and enthusiasm is something I had lost a while ago. If anything, I have enjoyed my time in the office more than I ever have since working there.”

  “Well … I … I’m glad.”

  “Bugger me, is she holding his hand, voluntarily? Or did you prompt that?”

  “No, that is all her, even the thumb rubbing the back of his hand is all her. I think we’re winning this, Eight.”

  “Indeed we are, baby, indeed we are.”

  “So, why did you call me here?”

  “Uh, oh yes of course, I have a few design and research ideas that I wanted your opinion on. Before working for the company I was a graphic artist and architect, so I drew out a few ideas that popped into my head last night and well, I wanted your opinion.”

  “Lane, these … these are fantastic! Why aren’t you head of the design department?”

  “Well, Woody prefers me where I am and since … well suffice it to say I let that side of things slip a bit and well, working with you, it’s … pushed me to pick up the pen again.”

  “You’re going to make me blush, but these are stunning. I love the mixed medium approach. Do you really think the client would like a full billboard spread like that?”

  “Well, it’s only my representation of it. With a few simple tweaks we could have it on an animated sign or even set up as a motion graphic for a television ad.”

  “Oh snap, he’s gone for the lower arm. Oh, oh, he’s moving round next to her. Hip to hip, shoulder to shoulder, hand on her arm. Eight, we have three point contact, we have three point contact.”

  “I know, I know, this is awesome. We just have to be careful, we don’t want to push them too fast. Even if she feels like she wants to take it deeper, don’t let her. A soft peck on the cheek on the way out is enough. My boy already wants to drag her into his arms and ravish her right here.”

  “Yeah, Alexis is wishing the same thing, but yeah, okay, we’ll play it safe.”

  “Atta girl.”

  “Oh shush you.”

  “I’m really pleased you like them, Lex. I was honestly extremely nervous about showing them to you; it’s not often I show anyone my other talents, not since …”

  “Not since what?”

  “Waiter, can we get a bottle of Chardonnay, a Cherubino Margaret River if you have it.”

  “Hot Lips, is she genuinely worried over this? I’m picking up some strong tinglings from her. The hand at my boy’s elbow while he’s ordering the wine is screaming worry.”

  “Oh big time, but the desire is still there. I think this sliver of vulnerability is playing to our advantage here, Eight, she is drinking it in.”

  “It’s an old and long story, Lexi. I will tell you someday, but for now, let’s just enjoy the food and maybe we can work on some other ideas while we’re here.”

  “Okay, if you’re sure.”

  “Oh dayum, that smile just made my boy’s heart leap. He has fallen head to toe for our girl. Lane is hooked, all you need to do now is reel him in and mount him on your girl’s wall.”

  “I’d like to mount you on my walls, Eight.”

  “Oh fuck woman, you are going to make me plant an oyster in Lane’s jocks at this rate.”

  “Hmm nope, I know a place I would much rather you planted things.”

  “Oh me too, beautiful, me too, but for now our boy and girl’s happiness takes priority.”

  “I’m sure Lexi, I’m sure.”

  “Ooo, your boy is being a little bold, he’s gone for bare thigh contact. Oh the tingles I’m getting. Get him to squeeze a little, my girl is going to leak like a tap when he does. Oh yeah, just like that. Mmm she likes that, she likes that a lot!”

  “Madame, Monsieur; bon appetite. With compliments of the chef, Mr. Anderson, I would also like to offer you a complimentary entrée. It is steamed salmon mousse on braised asparagus with a cranberry reduction. A sharing plate, if I’m not mistaken.”

  “Cheeky bugger’s smile has made our girl blush, Eight. Don’t let your boy do anything daft, this could play to our advantage.”

  “Okay, yeah, I’m wheeling him in a little, but for now, this is running on its own steam, let’s let them take the wheel for now, see where it leads. If they need it we can give them a … push …”

  “Mmm, oh I know something you could push and push hard.”

  “That’s my girl.”

  


  Well that was an interesting event; I wonder what the boys will make of it tomorrow. I have to admit, you did me proud, me and Hot Lips are actually getting somewhere, and you and Lexi seem to be on a new level with how you two are going, so it should be a good progression all round. Just next time bro, play it on the level. There aren’t too many points where we can get away with the stupid ‘work-date’ combo/ She’s a smart girl and if it wasn’t for the goofy juice Hot Lips shot her up with, then your plan would have collapsed so fast not even Dwayne Johnson could have saved it, and they’ve had him save everything!

  Anyway, I need a stretch and pee and we need some kip. That wine hit us hard and I always get a funny head in the morning, so please for the love of all that is holy, let me drain out, then drink a couple of pints of water when we get home. I do not want a freaking wino droop when dealing with Heckle and Jeckle tomorrow. I love my bros, but bloody hell are they annoying sometimes.

  Okay goof ball, are we stuck with that dopey grin? You look like a kid that just got their first kiss from their playground crush. I have to admit that it worked out pretty well, but hell, what is up with you and that grin, seriously.

  All she did was peck your cheek and hold your hand while doing it. Then again, she does always smell freaking divine, so yeah, okay, I can forgive that little grin.

  

  “Hey boys, how’s it going?”

  “Oh, hey Bookend, look at him. He’s grinning more than that gator that ate Mr. Farnam’s dog in sixth grade.”

  “Shit yeah, look at him. I ain’t seen someone grin that much in, well, fuck if I know when.”

  “Oh piss off, I ain’t grinning over anything.” Oh yeah Lane, you’re grinning alright.

  “Bullshit, you’re either in love or on coke and I know you swore off the hard shit years ago, so fucking spill.”

  “Seriously, I ain’t in love with anyone.”

  “Benji, hang on a sec. Laneway, bro, we’ve known you since we were six, hell, we know you better than your freaking parents do. Don’t give us the bloody runaround, who is she?”

  “Bookend, what do you want to bet it’s that tight little thing he’s told us he’s working with. Well shit on a stick, look at him blush. I was fucking right, you’ve fallen for that chick in the office. What’s her name?”

  “Her name is Alexis and yeah, you rotten bastards, I have fallen. She is, shit I don’t know, there’s just something about her.”

  “Well good on you mate, she’s a good looking sheila by your account, nice to know you’ve finally gotten over that other rotten bitch.” Yep, thank God he has Booker.

  “Yeah, to be honest boys, I don’t know what took me so damned long to do it. I have had plenty of girls come and go, but I dunno, I guess it took till now to finally break the cycle.”

  “Shit, she’s broke something alright, your balls by the sounds of things.”

  “Oh shut up Benji.”

  “Hah, I haven’t seen Bookend and my boy take down Benji with an in sync snipe in ages.”

  “Well, it’s been a long, long time since one of the three musketeers had a woman they actually cared about aside from their mum. Laneway is the first of our trio to actually take a step towards that, in what, got to be nearly five years.” Henry is right, it’s been too long for these idiots to be fucking around.

  “But bro, seriously, if you are set on this sheila, you have to make it clean, that witch has got to be gone for good. Every picture, every scrap of crap she ever bought you, everything. It has to go.”

  “Yeah I know Book, I know, just sometimes, no matter how many times you hit delete, you just can’t shift ‘em.”

  “Well fuck, come on then, let’s grab two sixers and head back to yours. We’re kicking that bitch once and for all.”

  What a strange weekend. I know that Mr. Eight Seconds and I probably contributed to it by stirring Lane and Alexis up Friday night to the point they were both ready to explode, but damn was my girl and I surprised by My Uptight’s phone call Saturday. A work lunch, really? Alexis knows that the examples of the graphic billboards he showed her, despite how brilliant they were, could have waited until Monday. They wouldn’t have affected any work either of them was going to do over the weekend.

  When Mr. Eight Seconds confirmed that his guy just wanted to see Alexis, hope sprang through my entire centre, making it quite easy to flood hers during that lunch. That and the fact she liked seeing him in a different light.

  “I’m so confused. Will the real Lane Anderson please stand up!”

  Alexis is leaning on her bathroom counter, staring at herself, trying to decipher the mystery that is Mr. Uptight. Her emotions have been all over the place this weekend and it hasn’t been helped by the fact that someone has been prank calling her phone since Saturday night. Just phoning and hanging up. I say, at least have the balls to say something if you are taking so much time calling constantly, be creepy, be obscene, anything is better than silence.

  But all jokes aside, Alexis is worried. Could Mr. Stalker have somehow gotten her mobile number? It’s usually only clients that may have one of her business cards, so I guess if he asked the right person he could easily have gotten a hold of one of her cards. Damn, I hope it’s just some teenagers being stupid. But still, she intends to let the building’s security know, just in case.

  “He looked so much more relaxed at lunch on Saturday. And damn! That sweet, cute smile of his had me going ga ga. Where has he been hiding it all this time? When I think about it, the truth is, I have seen it before. All over the damn lobby, being thrown at every other female he stops to talk to or that passes him by. But that smile wasn’t ever for me. Why? He seems to have walls up most of the time, but why does it seem those walls are only up for me? This man is going to be my undoing if I let him.”

  I’m not sure he will ever be a man we can figure out, Lexi. I agree with your friends. The sooner you fuck him out of your system, the sooner you can move on to greener, much friendlier, much less Jekyll and Hyde pastures girl. Unless … you are actually developing serious feelings for this guy? Does she think he could turn out to be our Mr. Long Term Guy? When I think back to lunch, I can see her falling, falling hard for him. And if that happens, there will be no more fun and games to play. Damn, I’m so confused too.

  We either stop seeing him as the cold Mr. Uptight and try and discover the real Lane, to see if he is someone who is actually worthy of my girl’s affections, or we find a way to just hump and dump him and move on with our lives after their collaborative project is finished. As much as I want to do the nasty with Eight, when it comes to matters of the heart, I will not risk my girl’s getting broken again, because last time almost crumbled her. I never want to relive those dark days again. The scar of betrayal never leaves the heart.

  “Get a grip Lexi! There are still weeks to go on this project and if you’re letting Lane get to you this much already, how the hell are you going to cope for the remainder of the campaign? Damn stupid men who look too good for their own good!

  That’s my girl! Okay, but seriously now, we need to stop looking in the bloody mirror for answers, because unless you are an evil queen, it ain’t answering you back anytime soon, princess. Let’s just get to work and let fate do what fate does best. Umm, well, fate sometimes sucks, so maybe a less sucky fate for a while would be good, thank you.

  After a few restless nights over the weekend, Alexis is too tired to walk the entire way to work, so tram it is. Monday morning’s tram rides are … an experience. Usually the busiest ride of our week and one I don’t particularly like. Being crammed up against strangers, some of which have scents that just don’t appeal to me, is not my idea of a ‘fun’ ride.

  “Hey there, lollipop. I would love to take a lick of you someday. We’re having drinks with friends at P.J. O’Brien’s tonight at seven. I will guarantee you a happy ending.”

  “Lollipop? Seriously? Listen up, I’m only going to tell you this in the interest of the dwin
dling population. Your pick up lines suck! If you want any chance at spreading your wild oats, think sweet, not sickly sweet. Okay? Now move on, knob head.”

  Sometimes I don’t know how the human race isn’t extinct already. Thank God for the gentlemen of the old days, or we might not have even made it past the eighties. That was a feat in itself.

  “Hey, sweet lips. Move on from that loser and over to my pussy pass. I guarantee you that between you and me, we can have the damn population booming!”

  That doesn’t even justify a response. Pussy pass? The names men call their junk is just … juvenile.

  “I sense some tension in your core. You really shouldn’t hold onto that. You need to find a way to release it. I can help, but after the way you just shot down the last guy, I’m not sure you would be open to my suggestion.”

  “Well now. As long as you don’t use some cheesy pathetic line, I may just be willing to listen.”

  Okay, he has a lot more control over his guy than I do Lexi, judging by the way his guy just suddenly moved closer to her, almost, but not quite, invading her personal space. Mmm, very stealthy indeed. I like. Maybe he’s a spy, about to invite us along for some adventure. Oh, that would surely snap my girl out of her Mr. Uptight funk.

  “Tonight, at six, have your girl walk under the Spencer Street Bridge and turn left down the first laneway. You will see a navy blue door, have her knock three times fast, then twice slow. When it opens, walk all the way down the long corridor and I’ll make sure my guy is the first person you see. Then we can swing the night away babe. No better way to lose the tension that’s wrapped so tightly around that sweet body of your girl.”

  And … that’s our queue to leave. Hop off at the next stop, Lexi, the next stop! Seriously, more power to you if you want to swing, but to invite a perfect stranger on a tram to join you at some club hidden down a laneway is not the type of spy adventure I want to be living in, thank you very much. What a wanker. Well maybe not. If he goes to a club like that, he has like-minded people to do that for him. Good luck to him.