Beneath the Vine

by Lillian Bryant

  “What?” he asked before bringing his attention to me.

  Gage had taken me to the best Italian restaurant in L.A. I’d stuffed myself with spaghetti and the closest thing I’d ever had to my mother’s meatballs. After, we went to some hole in the wall that looked like an old speakeasy, but instead, was a comedy club. My favorite part of the night, though, was when the waiter asked if we wanted dessert and Gage had declined by saying, “No, thank you. The lady doesn’t eat sweets.” It was then I let the final bit of self-doubt fall. I could trust what I was feeling for him, because I’d found the man who noticed — he saw me, he felt the details.

  I grinned. “Tonight was fun. I’ve never been to a comedy club.”

  “I thought we both could use a laugh.” His smile faltered and he inhaled deeply. I wasn’t sure what to say when his mood shifted. But it made me nervous. This case, it was wearing on him. He hadn’t been too open about what was going to happen to Bennett. I had no real idea of what protective custody meant for Bennett. I just knew he was trying to help him. He said he couldn’t talk about it. He said me knowing half as much as I did could make me collateral damage.

  I squeezed his hand. “It will be okay.”

  “I hope so, for his sake. I hope he does the right thing.” He looked at me again, his eyes the softest I’d seen them. “Has he contacted you?”

  My gaze fell. “No.” He hadn’t. Not one text since he walked out of my apartment that day. I hadn’t wanted him to, but a part of me, the stupid girl inside thought maybe he might have.

  Gage’s jaw pulsed. “I’m sorry.”

  “Why are you sorry? I told him to leave. He’s doing as I asked.” I didn’t want to talk about Bennett anymore.

  “You deserved an apology.” Gage tightened his grip on the wheel and I rubbed circles into the palm of his other hand with my thumb.

  “That’s the thing. He told me everything, the why of it all. It doesn’t matter. He can say sorry all day long. It still wouldn’t matter. You want to know why?” My voice shook.

  “Because he lied to you, I know.”

  “No, because in the end, all of it led me back to you.” The tight feeling in my throat grew, and I gave him a watery smile as his gaze found mine again.

  He searched my expression for a few seconds, but it felt like an eternity before he spoke. “What you just said… I can’t explain it… I feel true fucking genuine happiness, but full-on guilt. I feel like you were never mine to have, but damn, Gio, you’re all I want.”

  “Bennett may have been the one who saw me first, but you’re the one who found me.” I leaned across the console and kissed him on the cheek before he turned his eyes back to the road.

  “You weren’t lost, Gio, you were just hiding. I just happened to see you shining there in your little corner and was lucky enough to coax you out.” His smile was beaming and I felt an ache in my chest. I wanted him to feel happy, not guilty.

  “See, I was drawn to you then… so no more guilt, Gage. If this is going to work… no more guilt.”

  He pulled into the parking lot of my apartment complex, the car coming to an abrupt stop. His eyes trained forward, the silence building before he turned his stare to me. “No more guilt, Gio.” He framed my face with his hands and pulled me into a kiss. His lips always so soft, so beautifully full and attentive, pulled me under.

  “Come upstairs?” My request was breathless as our lips parted.

  “Not tonight. I have to work early tomorrow.” He kissed my forehead and pulled away. “I’m going to be MIA for the next few days, but remember, no matter what, I’ll find my way back here.”

  “What does that mean?” My heart started to sprint in my chest, and a thick cloud of apprehension pulled away all the light from our earlier conversation.

  “It means I have to work.” He said it in a tone that was apologetic, but certain.

  I wanted to ask if it was happening. If Bennett was coming here? If Gage was in danger too? The thought of losing him, either of them for that matter, made the dinner in my gut feel like a brick. I tried to infuse as much confidence in my voice as possible when I spoke. I didn’t want Gage to worry about me. “Will you be safe?”

  “I’m invincible.” He smirked and moved a strand of hair that had fallen from my ponytail behind my ear.

  “No one is invincible.”

  “I’ll be safe.” He chuckled at my frown and pulled the pad of his thumb across my right cheek bone; I closed my eyes. When his warm lips graced the skin of my forehead again, my lids fluttered open as he spoke. “I’ll try my best to text and call you when I can. I promise… I’ll find my way—”

  “Back to me… Gage… you have no other choice.” It was a bit bold for me to say it out loud, but, I’d just gotten him back and I wasn’t about to lose him again.

  He laughed openly and it made the panic in my chest dissipate. “So bossy.” His lips feathered against mine with a smiled kiss. “Get your ass upstairs. I’ll see you in a few days.” I laughed at his command as I opened the passenger door and climbed out, shutting it behind me. “Gio?” he called out just as I was walking away from the passenger side window.

  “Yeah?”

  He locked me in his stare, and the air in my lungs rushed out between my parted lips. Gage’s usual dark eyes were so bright, so open, and so soulful it was shocking. “You’re right, just so you know. Just in case, loving you… I never had a choice.”

  My lips trembled. “Gage?”

  “Goodnight, Gio.” His smile was self-assured as he rolled up the window.

  He backed out of the parking spot, and as he pulled away, I felt light. My head was fuzzy from his words and my smile was ear to ear. I looked like a fool. I felt like an idiot, but it felt fantastic.

  This.

  This is what love felt like.

  It lifted.

  It was colorful with brilliant facets of light.

  It was a salvation, and this time, in this moment, I was finally being blessed with its touch.

  The sweat beaded on my fucking forehead and dripped down my damn spine as I lifted the last heavy box off the delivery truck. It was November, but hell, it felt like July in the warehouse. The pallets were almost finished, but I was still waiting on the last shipment of powder. Charlie had promised to get the shit to me, but it felt like he was stalling and I didn’t know why. Frank hadn’t spoken to me in three weeks, and every time I tried to call him it went to voicemail. Thomas told me he was busy calming Sanchez down, telling him we had this. But something felt off.

  The bottles inside the box clanged together as I set it down onto the concrete floor. Charlie Bartolie’s so called men were sitting in the back, all four of them playing cards as I busted my ass to unload this final shipment of bottled grape juice. Monterosso’s Special Reserve. A gush of aggravated air left my lungs, and I ran my hand through my hair as I watched the men laugh as they dealt another round. I’d fucking thrown away my life for this shit, for what, a goddamn dollar. Losing my parents should have been enough, but it hadn’t been, it took losing her, Selene, to realize what I was missing in life.

  After I left her place that day, I struggled to keep my distance, but she wanted a different life, and she made it clear she never wanted to see me again. It stung, it fucking stung, but I had created the problem. I’d expected her complete and utter trust and all I’d fed her was lies. I had tried to fuck my way out of all my anger, all my love for her with a few random women, women who I knew would be easy targets, but it didn’t touch the burn of her loss. After a few weeks, I stopped wishing every ding of my cell was her. I owned what I did and now, now I was just trying to move on.

  Selene Cavalier was just a woman, just an idea. You can’t love something that isn’t real. She no longer existed in my world, and she wouldn’t have me in hers.

  “It’s done, once you fucking lazy assholes are done stealing each other’s money, start loading those bottles. I have shit to do in the morning.” Most of the men laughed except one
. He just stared at me with a shit-eating grin and it unnerved me. “What?” Lately, my patience for disrespect was wearing thin. I worked too fucking hard, had lost too much to have this criminal looking at me like he thought he knew me.

  He shrugged and flicked his eyes to his cards.

  I was losing it. I looked down at my watch and groaned. It was two in the morning. I strolled out of the warehouse without a word, my apathy for idiots at an all-time high. The car ride home was short and my shower just as quick. I pulled on a pair of sweats, and as soon as my head hit the pillow, all that weariness, that fatigue, disappeared. My eyes focused on my ceiling. I hadn’t really slept in over a week. This shipment was eating at me. I was almost out; the taste of freedom on the tip of my tongue. Maybe… maybe once I was out, maybe she — my phone rattled against the hardwood of my bedside table distracting me from my destructive thoughts.

  The time read nearly three-thirty as I swiped open my lock screen.

  “What the fuck?” I spoke in a confused whisper as I read the text.

  Gage: I’ll be in town in the morning.

  Me: It’s late.

  My eyes narrowed as I waited for his reply.

  Gage: Sorry. I figured I’d let you know. I need to see you. I have some things to discuss.

  Me: What’s this about?

  This was about her. Selene. He must know she’s in L.A. Maybe he’d sought her out. I shook my head. Who was I kidding? If Selene was in L.A. and he knew… she’d be his by now. Was he wanting permission? It was no longer mine to give.

  Gage: Work shit. Can you pick me up at the airport? I have an opportunity to discuss with you.

  Business. A small part of me was relieved, but a simple phone call would have sufficed for a business prospect. This had to be about her. But, I played along.

  Me: Sounds good. When do you arrive?

  Gage: I land at 11 a.m.

  Me: I’ll see you then.

  He didn’t respond, and once the light on my phone faded, I allowed myself to lay back into bed. My eyes closed, my breathing was measured, and her eyes, the same eyes that looked at me with disgust, were there like they were every fucking night.

  Gage had no luggage, just a small duffle and laptop case. He smiled as I pulled up to the curb.

  “Too good for a taxi?” I laughed as he sat in the car.

  “You look like shit, not sleeping much Bennett?” He smirked and I laughed a short laugh and shook my head.

  “It’s hard to sleep when your friends text you at odd hours of the night.” I pulled away from the sidewalk. “Where are you staying?”

  “I’m not. I came here to talk to you. I leave at four-thirty.” He gave me a serious look and I laughed.

  “What the hell, Gage? You could have just called me, Skype, Facetime… Jesus Christ, save a buck.” I started to laugh again but he shook his head and brought his finger to his lips silently ordering me to stop speaking. My stomach dropped.

  “I know, but this opportunity is once in a lifetime. I had to show you in person. Hungry?” He nodded his head dramatically and I responded.

  “Yeah, let’s go to my place. I have left over—”

  “Nah, I’m craving Best Pizza.”

  “In Brooklyn?” My eyebrows creased. What the hell was going on?

  “Yeah, head there.”

  He gave me a look that said I didn’t really have a say in the matter, so I didn’t ask any questions. Anxiety and confusion coursed through me. By the time we got into Brooklyn I couldn’t take it much longer. Gage hadn’t said anything else, he just turned up the radio and stared out the fucking window like nothing was weird about this entire thing. The Best Pizza storefront came into view and I tried to find a parking spot nearby. The closest one was a few blocks down, and once the car was in park, Gage hopped out, still holding his laptop and duffle bag.

  I shut the car door and moved to the sidewalk where Gage was standing. “Want to tell me what the fuck is going on?” I asked, the panic in my voice was thick.

  “I was hoping you could tell me.” He stalked off toward the pizza place and my eyes widened with irritation.

  “Gage…” I hollered after him, and he slowed his step. The bitterly cold wind hit my face and made my mouth dry as I spoke between breaths. “I’m lost.”

  “I know.”

  “Cut the bullshit, Gage. What… what!” I raised my voice and he came to a stop just outside the pizza joint.

  “Drugs, Bennie? Why didn’t you just ask me for the money, your dad, a bank?”

  The world dropped out from under me. The nausea roiled in my gut, and I felt the acid creeping up my throat. I never wanted him to know. I never wanted to see the disappointment I saw now. This scene… my best friend looking at me like I knew my father would have.

  “How…” I paused. I knew how. “She told you?”

  “No.” He closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. “And yes. She told me you lied, and that she found out you’re trafficking fucking drugs, but she didn’t have to tell me, Bennett. I already knew. I know everything.” His eyes opened and were filled with frustration.

  Again, the sick feeling in my stomach raged. “I don’t understand.”

  “I need you to know, everything I’ve done, I did it for you… to keep you safe.” Gage’s stare caged me in. He placed his hand on my shoulder and inclined toward me. “You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say may be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to consult an attorney before speaking to the police and to have an attorney present—”

  “What the fuck? Gage?” I pulled from his hold, but before I had a chance to move very far, a black SUV pulled next to the curb blocking me. Gage raised his hand warding off whoever was in the car. He finished rattling off my rights and the bile finally made its way up my throat, coating my tongue with an acid, copper taste, but I was able to push it down.

  “I’m sorry, Bennett, I’ll explain everything. Just get in the vehicle without a scene, okay? Please, Bennie. I know you don’t believe a word I’m saying to you right now…” He leaned in again and I shrunk back, but he grasped my shoulder in his iron grip. His eyes were wide with fear… or anxiety I couldn’t tell. “If you fight, there’s no way I can help you, but trust me when I tell you this, Frank wasn’t going to let you walk out of this alive. The Bartolie’s, Bennie, they leave no witnesses behind. You’re either with them or against them… which is it?”

  Gage was a goddamn cop? I was in a dream, a fucked up nightmare. “You’re a cop?”

  “I’ll tell you everything, just give me a chance. Let me explain this to you the easy way, just get in.” He reached past me and opened the back door of the SUV.

  The defeat crashed over me like a wave. I either died in the cell or on the street. That bullet I had once wished for, I prayed for it now. I silently prayed to a god that had abandoned me to just get it over with. Because, the man I had once been, he died ages ago, and the man I had hoped to become, was still standing with his head against a bathroom door waiting for forgiveness from her.

  It wasn’t the lack of control, or the fact that I had shut down, it was the betrayal I felt that had me silent in the back of the unmarked SUV. Gage sat with me, equally as quiet. My breathing, heavy and rapid, was all anyone could hear as I tried to calm the fuck down. My life didn’t really matter anymore. Not at this point. I wouldn’t last a fucking day in prison; guys like me got eaten alive, and Gage was the one sending me there.

  He cleared his throat. “I’m trying to protect you.”

  A short clipped laugh passed my lips and I shifted my eyes to the only other person in the car. He was driving and politely ignoring us. The slightly overweight man looked a few years older than Gage and I, and I wondered how much he knew about me, or about the real Gage, not this government owned version.

  “I am, Bennie.”

  “Don’t fucking call me Bennie and act like you didn’t just flip a fucking one-eighty on me.” He wasn’t my old friend;
he wasn’t the kid I grew up with. The guy I had always known wouldn’t have just put his best friend under arrest.

  “Shut the fuck up, Bennett, and for once listen. Put away your goddamn pride and just listen.” He glared at me, but there was a desperation behind it and I could actually see his concern. The circles under his eyes were deep, his hands balled into fists. Gage was struggling, he was hanging on by a thread, too.

  “When I left New York, it was after Clara went into rehab. I never told you she was in rehab because she didn’t want you to think less of her. She loved you, Bennett, and shit got messed up, but it’s the truth. I hated what had happened to her, and I wanted to do something about it. I hated drugs and how they destroyed our relationship. I hated how they ruined the first girl I ever cared about.” His eyes fell forward looking out toward the windshield. His partner coughed and Gage flicked his eyes back to me. He was the Gage I had always known then. His eyes hard, but full of fire. Everything he was saying made sense. He was always trying to better himself, better the world. Even if he was the darker of our pairing, he had always been the knight, not me.

  “So I left and I did what I wanted to do. I became an agent. I was good with chemicals and spoke fluent Italian. I got hired on by the Organized Crime Division of the DEA, and they threw me undercover. It’s my job. I would’ve told you, Bennett, but you chose this path. Not me. You’re fucking lucky I got wind of this case. I’m here to save your ass, not put it behind bars.”

  I exhaled a long breath. The first bit of relief tingled along my spine. He hadn’t cuffed me, hadn’t made a scene, and if my eyes weren’t deceiving me, we were about to pass Best Pizza again. His partner was driving in circles.

  “Explain it to me then, Gage. Because I’m pretty sure you just fucking read me my rights.”