Damned
Page 16
“Max…” I called after him.
He stopped and turned around. “Yes?”
“Aren’t you worried that I might be doing the wrong thing?”
Thinking for a few seconds, he spoke up and said, “No. I trust you. I always have. Out of everyone in our little group, I’ve always trusted you. I’d made that mistake earlier today… you know… when you were telling us that Sylvia had a knife.” He nodded his head at my hand which still gripped the knife. “I see now it was true but I should never have doubted you, sorry.” He turned and disappeared into the kitchen.
I looked down at the knife. Most of the anger I’d felt outside had vanished. Now I was the one having doubts. Not about Jude and who he really was but doubts about whether I could pull this off. This could all go horribly wrong.
I walked through into the corridor which led to the stairs, hesitating at the bottom step. Should I get Raven? It had been her idea last night after all to kill Jude. But this had to go as smoothly as possible. Having Raven with me might just make it a whole lot worse. As I climbed the stairs, my thoughts racing around my head, I decided to go it alone. I reached the top. My legs felt like lead. I avoided looking at the third door on the right. To see it would make me face what I had to do, but it had to be done. As I lingered in the upstairs hallway, I felt scared. Not for what I was going to do. But because I had no idea how Doshia would act. Was I about to tip everything over on its head? What would I find behind the third door on the right?
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
Kassidy
I stood outside the door, knife concealed down the back of my trousers, arm raised – poised to knock. My heartbeat slowed. I held my breath. I didn’t have butterflies in my stomach. It felt more like Pterodactyls swarming about, churning my insides up. I dropped my arm. Raised it again. Then it fell down beside me, reluctant to make that contact with the door. I don’t have a plan, I thought. Do I need one? I shook my head. No, there’s no time for a plan. Should I just go and tell Doctor Langstone? Couldn’t he deal with Jude?
“Revenge!” Several voices suddenly spoke up inside my head.
“Revenge?” I repeated. The voices fell quiet. I nodded my head in agreement and muttered, “Yes… revenge. Revenge for my friend… for all the deaths and misery that Doshia has caused. Revenge for lying… for having me believe that you were my friend.” I pictured Jude at Cruor Pharma telling me that everything would be all right – that it was just an injection and I would be laughing all the way to the bank. I closed my eyes and felt disgusted that I had let him touch me – that I’d fallen for his – I’ll look after you – I’ll take care of all of you speech.
I raised my arm again and placed my hand against the door quietly. That’s why you can’t go to Langstone, I thought. There would be no revenge and right now that’s what I wanted – needed. That’s what the voices kept hissing in my head.
“Take revenge… do it… kill him!” the voices became louder.
I took my hand away, and without thinking any more about it, I curled my fingers into a tight fist and hammered against the wooden door. I stood tall, bracing myself for it to open. The voices in my head swarmed excitedly, hissing their poison. I wanted this, I had to get my revenge. Yet even though I was ready to do it, a tiny part of me was wishing that no one was home.
The door opened. I felt my mouth drop, suddenly shocked that I was here… that I was going to have to hack up Jude. Faced with this notion, I stared up into his face.
Without speaking, Jude stepped aside and waited for me to enter. The reality of what I was going to do hit me. I heard myself gasp and could feel my limbs shake. I took a deep breath and tried to steady my nerves.
“Are you just gonna stand there or are you coming in?” asked Jude, producing a packet of crisps from his pocket. He opened them up, took a handful, and then shoved them into his mouth. “You want some?” he asked.
The smell of smoky bacon hit my nostrils, causing my stomach to rumble with hunger. I couldn’t remember the last time I had eaten. Still feeling like this whole situation was surreal, I nodded my head and took the whole bag.
Jude closed the door behind us and asked, “Why are you so quiet…? Has something happened?” He wiped his fingers down his trousers and then brushed his shirt free of crumbs. Heading over to the bed, he sat down and patted the spot beside him. “Sit.”
I walked slowly and stopped just in front of him. He has no idea why I’m here, I thought. This could be easy.
“Kill him!” the voices piped up again.
I looked at Jude, almost afraid that he could hear what was going on inside my head. But he smiled up at me, completely oblivious to the murderous thoughts screaming inside my mind.
Jude reached down under the bed and pulled out the bottle of Whisky he had found the previous night. Unscrewing the cap, he said, “Here, you look like you need a drink.” He held it up for me to take. “Go on… it won’t kill you just this once to have a small sip – fuck knows we need it. This place will lead anyone to ruin.”
Feeling like I was in some kind of trance, I took the bottle and held it to my lips. I let the liquid pour into my mouth down my throat until I felt the burn. Swallowing back the heat that rose up, I spluttered and passed back the bottle.
Knocking back a large gulp of the whisky, Jude patted the bed again for me to sit down and said, “Better?”
I nodded my head but couldn’t sit down. The knife was too long and would poke out from the top of my trousers, so I said, “I’m fine just standing… thanks for the whisky.”
The room became quiet except for the rain hitting the window. An awkward silence fell over us, yet in my head, angry, venomous voices seethed and shouted. It was like a riot. I couldn’t concentrate. Forgetting myself, I blurted out in frustration, “Shut up… I can’t hear myself think!”
Jude stood up, looked at the bottle of whisky as if there was something wrong with it, and said, “I know this is strong… but one mouthful, Kassidy. I’m sure you can handle more than that?!”
I forced a smile and said, “I’m just hungry… tired… and…”
Walking over to a large chest, Jude pulled open the top drawer and smiling, said, “No need for hunger. Look what I’ve found. I spent this morning searching the staff quarters for food. See? I’ve got a large stash. Help yourself.”
I peered over his shoulder. The drawer was rammed with packets of crisps, chocolate, and biscuits.
“Nothing like a sugar rush, eh?” grinned Jude. “Want some?”
I shook my head and stared down at the floor. I heard Jude sigh as he shut the drawer.
“Why do you eat so much?” I found myself asking. Silly question to ask when one’s planning to hack someone up but maybe I was just stalling. Trying to delay what I knew I had to do.
“I love food. I like to overindulge,” answered Jude. “But most of all… I love life.”
Surprised by his answer, I looked up and said, “You love life?” What I really wanted to say was, don’t you mean you love taking life? But I didn’t.
The voices started to hiss again. “He’s gonna take your life soon… kill him… do it now!”
I could feel myself shake, my fingers twitched ready to pull the knife out like a cowboy waiting to draw his guns. But Jude started talking again and I lost my nerve.
“I’m sorry, Kassidy,” whispered Jude. He wandered over to the window. “I really thought I could look after you all… get us away from Cruor Pharma and just live.”
“Happily ever after?” I muttered, a small spike of anger rising within me.
“Why not? Why can’t we be happy?” He spun around, voice raised and glared, “Is it too much to ask to be just left alone – to live a life that you’ve never been allowed to have? Is it?!”
That small spike of anger started to grow inside me. I could feel my veins heating up as VA20 started to shift and bubble. I narrowed my eyes and spat, “When you take people’s lives, then yes, it is too much to ask!”
“I just want to be free – I want it all – go nice places – have some fun – me, you, Max… Raven, I guess. But… now another hurdle is in the way… fucking Langstone! If we could just find Robert, then…”
“Then what?” I snapped. I placed my hand on my hip, my fingers stretched round behind me so I could just feel the handle of the knife – ready – waiting. “You’re so fucking deluded! I think you really believe that shit that’s spraying from your mouth! Cut with the bullshit and climb back into your coffin where you fucking came from!”
Jude flinched and stepped back. His mouth dropped open and then he laughed and shook his head. “What the hell...? Kassidy… why are you saying this… this crazy talk…? Are you all right… do you want to sit down…?”
He took a step toward me – a look of concern across his face. But I could see through it – I could see the lies and deceit brimming underneath the surface. “You fucking arsehole!” I pointed my finger at him. “I don’t know what to call you – arsehole seems too fucking nice for something like you! You’re worse than everything evil that exists!”
“Kassidy, please listen to me… I…”
“I’ve listened to you ever since the moment I met you… and look where it’s got me! Right where you wanted me!” I clapped my hands together. “Yes, you deserve a round of applause – for playing me, Max, and Raven like a group of pawns in your game. I know who you are!” I reached round and pulled the knife out. Holding it up, the blade pointing down, I yelled, “I can’t kill you… but I can destroy the body you’ve been hiding in, Doshia!”
I plunged the knife at him. The voices screamed in my head. VA20 pumped through me. But the knife never made contact. Instead, it was ripped from my hand and flung across the room, hitting the wall where it clattered to the floor.
CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
Kassidy
Stunned, I staggered back. The knife had been wrenched from my hand by something I couldn’t see. I looked at Jude. He came toward me. The voices screeched their hate and poison, waking me from my daze.
“Rip him up… take him apart!” they shouted.
I wasn’t scared. The anger that filled me only fired me on. I lunged forward and threw myself at Jude. He reached out and caught me. We toppled to the left, landing in a heap of tangled limbs.
Jude snatched at my wrists, pinning them to the floor. I brought my leg up and kicked him in the throat. Nearly losing his balance, he regained his composure.
“I’m not Doshia!” shouted Jude. “I swear I’m not him!”
“Don’t bother with the lies!” I screamed. “I know you are.” I kicked out again and caught him on the chin. I let my foot drop slightly to his throat and held him back, the pressure on his neck made him gag.
Jude released my wrists and in a flash, had taken hold of my legs, pinning them down with his knees. “If you just stop fighting,” he panted, “I’ll tell you who I am… but I’m not Doshia.”
“You’re a liar!” I screamed. “You killed Hannah!” I swung my arm up and backhanded him across the face.
Taking hold of me by the shoulders and pushing me down on the floor, Jude shouted, “Calm the fuck down, will ya?! I didn’t kill Hannah!”
I twisted and turned under Jude but it was useless. He added more pressure to my shoulders and legs until I stopped struggling. The voices in my head quietened to nothing more than some whispers. Breathing heavily, I glared and said, “Whatever you tell me I won’t believe! You’re wasting your time!”
Jude leaned in closer and whispered, “I wanted to tell you last night, after we had that row. But you wouldn’t talk to me. I have a lot to be ashamed about – I’ve done some terrible things.” Jude closed his eyes and shook his head slowly as if trying to block out his memories. “I just want you to know that I wish I could take it all back… I want to make things right. I tried… but… but it seems that there’s no escaping my past and who I really am.” He opened his eyes and stared at me. “I just wanted to live a life… away from all that shit at Cruor Pharma.” He paused as if contemplating whether he should say what it was that he was about to tell me. “When I took on the identity of Jude all those years ago, I suddenly had a chance of living. I was trapped in that coffin, imprisoned for… I don’t know how fucking long… and the freedom at first was great and I was happy. I didn’t want to be Eras anymore – I wanted to be Jude – Jude Middleton – the son of Doctor Middleton.”
I shook my head and whispered, “Shut up… I don’t want to hear it…” Closing my eyes, my head swarmed with all sorts of thoughts. Having believed that Jude was Doshia, but now to be told actually he isn’t, but another demon instead seemed to throw me completely off track.
Jude continued. “But it all started to turn sour. Middleton wanted the Cleaners to be his servants – you already know that part. Middleton… or Trabek wanted me to play volunteer. I was to be there in the wards if anything went wrong. It was my role to stop volunteers from walking out… from getting cold feet – and if the tests went wrong… which they always did, I was in the thick of it to kill and help dispose of the bodies.” Jude loosened his grip and paused as if waiting for my response. When I said nothing, he continued to talk.
“You have to believe me when I say I’m truly sorry – when the first few drug tests started – I was still very much Eras. I managed to block out Jude Middleton – crush his thoughts… his feelings – just pretend to be him on the outside, but really deep down I was Eras.”
Jude stopped talking for a few moments and looked away toward the window, lost in what appeared to be shame. But was it?
He turned back, his blue eyes dark with shadow. “You know what it’s like on those wards… you know the sheer hell that goes on behind those doors. I began to hate it – loathe it – not the blood – not the torn body limbs – but the deceit. Befriending those volunteers and making them believe that everything was going to be fine when really I was just leading them to their deaths. I began to have feelings. Emotions that I’d never felt before. I don’t know what happened to Eras but I think he backed down and allowed the real Jude Middleton to come through. Instead of Eras taking the lead, Jude Middleton seemed to absorb Eras… and I didn’t stop him.”
Jude straightened up, releasing the pressure on my shoulders and said, “It was at Sylvia’s drug trial when I knew I had to make a break… I was desperate to save them all. I didn’t want any of them to die. I wanted to leave Cruor Pharma and take my new friends with me. But it all went wrong. Out of the ten volunteers, only three seemed semi-all right. The others turned and killed each other and the ones who didn’t die, I killed.”
Jude could obviously see the revulsion across my face. He sat back and lowered his eyes. He whispered, “I had to kill them… I had no other choice. If I didn’t, they would have killed Sylvia, Robert, and Alex.”
I shook my head slowly but remained silent. My voice seemed lost and my thoughts, hazy.
The shake of my head seemed to ignite some anger within Jude as he suddenly leant over me, slamming his fists down on either side of my head. He shouted, “I had to kill them! I had to! Don’t shake your head at me and judge. Three volunteers needed saving! Surely it’s better to save three than none at all?!”
I found my voice, and leaning up on my elbows, I answered, “Surely it’s better to have never put those volunteers into that situation in the first place?” I raised my eyebrows at him and waited for his response.
Jude stood up and started to pace about the room. He ran his fingers through his hair cursing under his breath. He stopped suddenly and peered down at where I was still lying on the floor and said, “I saved three… three people’s lives… that has to count for something?”
I clambered to my feet, stood beside the bed, and shouted, “Not when you go and do it all over again it doesn’t count! You haven’t saved their lives! You just prolonged their agony! You know what happened to Alex… you’ve seen for yourself what’s happened to Sylvia! She’s not all there!”
I shouted, pointing to my head. “She’s crazy… she’s trapped in a body with a brain that’s slowly destroying her – eating away at what was once Sylvia – the real Sylvia! She’s not saved – she’s ruined and you’ve played a part in that. Don’t look to me for pity… how could I? What’s happening to Sylvia is happening to me! If you really had any feelings about those volunteers you wouldn’t have been at my drug trial running around and making sure that none of us bailed.” I stepped forward and stood right in front of Jude. “How could you? Look at me!” I held my arms up and showed him my veins. “You did this! Why did you persuade me to stay? Why?”
Jude lowered his gaze and whispered, “Because I liked you. I just wanted some friends to take with me. I knew I could never escape with you all before the drug trial. I knew that the best time to run would be when the volunteers started to turn. There would be absolute carnage and chaos on that ward and Middleton would want it contained as soon as possible. The Cleaners would be preoccupied, so would Doctor Wright and Ben. What, with all the blood and bits of bodies, I thought it would give us a head start in our escape as they wouldn’t realise straight away that some of you had escaped. I took a chance and hoped that some of you would take to VA20 this time and that you would be one of them. I knew that Doctor Middleton believed that VA20 would be the breakthrough so I pinned all my hopes on that.” Turning away, Jude stared at the rain-splattered window and continued to talk. “I’ve tried really hard to be Jude Middleton and not Eras… I haven’t been my true self properly for a long time. Well, apart from the day you saw me at the bishop’s with Ben, and even then, that was just a shadow of what I truly am. I’ve done everything I could to stay away from Eras. Jude was perfect for me. He gave me a different kind of life… a new way to see people.”