And Baby Makes Two

by Dyan Sheldon

  “Here you go,” said Justin.

  I looked up to find he was handing me a glass of champagne. I didn’t mean to look at Hilary, but it was sort of an automatic response.

  “Well, you’ll want to join in the toast, won’t you?” said my mother.

  “OK, now that everybody’s here, it’s music time!” cried Dara, and she raced to the stereo before anyone could beat her to it. “Then we can open our presents.”

  “Oh, please,” we all begged. “Not Phil Spector.”

  “It isn’t Christmas without the Ronnettes,” said Dara.

  “That calls for another round,” said Mick.

  Everybody laughed and held out their glasses. Including me.

  Everybody made a big deal of the presents from me and Shinola, even though they weren’t much. It was lucky I’d got an extra aftershave for Charley, just in case, since they hadn’t split up this year. The Spiggs always told everybody how I gave her a tin opener for her birthday when I was seven, but even she acted like we’d given her a dream trip to Hawaii this year.

  “Why, this is lovely, Lana.” She actually sounded sincere. “Thank you… They’re my favourite.”

  Shinola got a ton of clothes. Most of it was at least six months too big. So she’d have something to grow into. It was kind of scary that the Spiggs, my nan and my sisters all thought the same like that. She also got a ton of toys. All the stuff from Hilary and Charley and Charlene and Dara was educational. My nan gave her a teddy that was nearly as big as I was.

  “Where’s it supposed to sleep?” I asked. “In my bed?”

  “It isn’t easy to be called Mum,” said my nan.

  And, except for the quilt Nan made me, all the stuff for me was pretty much for Shinola, too. Charlene and Justin gave me a mobile phone with twenty quid prepaid on it, so I could walk around the flat and talk on the phone at the same time.

  “In case there’s some emergency,” said Justin. “You should have a phone nearby at all times.”

  “We didn’t even have a phone when I was a girl,” said Nan. “And my mother had seven of us.”

  Dara and Mick gave me a subscription to some mother and child magazine and a gift certificate for Mothercare in case there was stuff I needed for Shinola.

  “But this is for a hundred pounds!” I knew Mick made a lot of money doing something in the City – and Dara made a lot of money doing something all over the world – but a hundred pounds! They’d never’ve given me that much to spend on myself.

  “Babies grow fast,” said Dara. “They always need something.”

  Charlene’s kids, Drew and Courtney, gave me a set of Sesame Street videos.

  “Wow,” I said. “Just what I always wanted.”

  “Try this then, why don’t you?” said my mother. She handed me a long white envelope with a red bow stuck on it.

  I took it without much enthusiasm. You can’t fit much in an envelope.

  “What is it?”

  “That’s the idea of opening it,” said my mother.

  Nobody spoke while I opened the envelope. Even Shinola was quiet.

  I removed the papers folded inside.

  “It’s the lease.” I looked up at Hilary. “The lease to the flat.”

  The Spiggs smiled. “That’s right.”

  I looked back at the lease. It couldn’t mean what I thought it meant. I looked back at the Spiggs. Could it?

  “I’ve asked your mother to make an honest man of me,” said Charley. He put his arm around my mother.

  Hilary patted his knee. “And since it seems a shame to waste two houses on us, I’ve said yes.”

  “You’re getting married?”

  What irony! My mother was getting married before me.

  “Not for a while,” said my mother. “But I’ll be moving in officially right away. Permanently.” She smiled. “Now that you’re grown up.”

  “Isn’t that great?” said my nan. “Now you don’t have to wait on a council list for the next ten years. You’re entitled to your mother’s flat. It’s in the lease.”

  Hilary laughed. “Well, say something, Lana. Aren’t you pleased?”

  I just kept staring at the lease like it was Dorothy’s ruby shoes.

  “Of course I’m pleased.”

  I was beyond pleased. About a dozen songs were playing in my head at once. After all my disappointments, everything was going to turn out exactly as I’d planned.

  The rest of them all started talking at once. Mick was trying to work out exactly how much money I’d have with my Income Support and my Child Benefit and my Housing Benefit, banging on about making a budget for me. He said it was an important lesson in economics. Nan was going on about how I’d be able to go back to school once Shinola was older, and maybe even get a part-time job. Justin didn’t think I’d have to wait that long. He thought the government had special programmes for girls in my position with crèches and stuff. Dara reminded me how she paid for her degree in business studies by cleaning houses. Charlene said I should find other young mothers in my area and form a baby-minding club where we each took a turn so the others could have a few hours off. “It’s important you have some time for yourself,” said Charlene.

  I let them talk. It was like having a shower in words. They all ran off me and disappeared.

  I nodded and smiled, but I wasn’t really listening to any of them. I was listening to the songs in my head.

  It was true what everybody always said about things being darkest before the dawn. Here I’d been feeling down and lonely, and all the time every problem I had was about to be solved. The flat was mine! My very own! Now Les could move in and we could live happily ever after.

  Nan held up her glass. “A toast!” she cried. “To the best of New Years.”

  One song separated itself from all the others and kicked into stereophonic. “Just blahblah and me … and baby makes three… We’re happy in … my … blue … hea-vennn…”

  I raised my glass. “To the best of New Years!”

  Happy New Year to Us

  I was almost tempted to go home with Hilary and Charley and stay with them till after Boxing Day. They wanted me to. Well, they wanted Shinola to. Even Charley. They couldn’t leave her alone. Here I was trying to teach her not to expect to be picked up every time she cried, and there they were, practically arm-wrestling over which one was going to hold her. But I had too much to do to waste time with them. I was full of plans and energy again. Hilary and Charley were coming to move the rest of her stuff in the week, but I said I’d start packing things up before then. I couldn’t wait to get started. The sooner she was really out, the sooner I was really in and my life could finally begin properly.

  And, of course, there was Les to tell. He’d probably ring on Boxing Day to wish me a Merry Christmas, after his mother had calmed down from the excitement of having him home for a week. I was going to be there when he did.

  I spent Boxing Day waiting for Les’s call, but it never came. I reckoned his mother must have dragged him off to relatives, so he never had a chance. The first thing the next morning I tied Hilary’s books in bundles and put everything that wasn’t breakable into black bin liners. I got so involved in packing that I didn’t realize Les hadn’t rung till ten o’clock that night, when I finally collapsed. I was lying there, surrounded by all the garbage Hilary Spiggs had collected over the years, imagining the flat the way it was going to be. The walls and the furniture were white. There was a set of those stackable glass and chrome tables beside the leather sofa. The coffee table was big and round and also made of glass and chrome. The lights had frosted glass shades and pointed at the ceiling. Les was in our blue and yellow kitchen, making us a nightcap. He sat beside me and handed me my glass. He kissed my cheek. He raised his glass. “Merry Christmas, baby,” he whispered. “And a Happy New Year.” That was when I realized that he hadn’t rung. I was almost too tired to care.

  “He’ll ring,” I told myself as I pulled my new quilt around me. “Probably when H
ilary and Charley are here.”

  I pushed Les out of my mind. I knew what his mother was like. She was a clinger. Plus, she’d have about a million things for him to do in her house when he was there. Plus, he had a couple of aunts and uncles to see. He was probably too busy to get to a phone. Since he couldn’t use hers ’cause her income was fixed.

  But I was busy, too.

  Hilary and Charley came two days after Boxing Day.

  “Well, you’ve certainly been busy,” said Hilary, looking round. “I hope you don’t dance on my grave as fast as this.”

  Even though I’d packed up tons of her junk, it took the three of us the whole day to finish sorting all her stuff and loading the van.

  Then I threw myself into cleaning the flat with every bit of energy I had left. I worked like a woman possessed, dusting, hoovering, mopping and hauling furniture. By the time I was done, I had blisters on my hands, two splinters and a cut on my forehead from walking into a shelf.

  I’d literally just put the hoover away when the doorbell rang.

  Tomorrow was New Year’s Eve. Which meant it couldn’t be Shanee. Shanee’d be running around getting ready for her party.

  It had to be Les. That was why he hadn’t rung, because he was going to surprise me by turning up for New Year’s Eve.

  I practically tripped over myself to get to the door before he could ring again and wake Shinola.

  Shanee was standing on the doorstep with her arms full of shopping.

  “Don’t look so happy to see me,” said Shanee. “I can’t stay for long.”

  It wasn’t that I wasn’t happy to see her. It was just that I’d been about to fling myself into her arms. I put a smile on my face and waved her inside.

  “Come on!” I cried. “You’re the first visitor to our new flat.”

  Shanee waggled her eyebrows. “And to think I didn’t even know you’d moved. It’s been longer than I thought.”

  “Wait till you hear what happened,” I said as I led her inside.

  Shanee got as far as the living-room and stopped dead.

  “Geez,” said Shanee. “It looks like you’ve been robbed.”

  “Hilary’s moved out for good,” I told her. “The flat’s officially mine!”

  Shanee’s eyes moved from one corner to the next. “What’s left of it,” said Shanee.

  “Oh, please… It’s not done yet, is it? Wait till I paint it all. It’ll look really brilliant. And once I save some money I’m going to go really modern.” Hilary was too cheap to even buy a toaster, but I was going to have an all-electric kitchen. “You know, with those hobs that don’t look like hobs, and an electric kettle, an electric coffee-maker and an electric toaster. And a microwave, of course.”

  Shanee kept nodding and looking around.

  “Everything will be colour co-ordinated eventually.”

  Shanee gave me a look. “So does this mean that Les will be moving in?”

  “Of course,” I said. “It’s what we’ve been waiting for.”

  “Well, that’s really great.” Shanee let go of her carrier bags and gave me a hug. “Then he’ll be coming with you tomorrow night.”

  “’Fraid not. He’s been held up at his mum’s.”

  Shanee was looking at me the same way she’d looked at me when the socks fell out of Shinola’s blanket.

  “But you’re still coming, aren’t you?” she asked. “You have to come.”

  “I know… I have to meet Guy.”

  Shanee waved Guy away with one hand. “Not any more. Now you have to meet Andy.” She laughed. “I met him on Christmas Eve at Edna Husser’s. He’s a friend of her brother’s.”

  I had to laugh, too. “You’ve changed a bit. You never used to go out with blokes at all and now you’re running through men like they’re traffic lights.”

  “You know what they say,” said Shanee.

  “Make hay while the sun shines?” I guessed. It was one of my nan’s.

  “No,” said Shanee. “You’re only young once.”

  I spent most of New Year’s Eve day debating whether to go to Shanee’s party or not. Should I? Shouldn’t I? Should I? Shouldn’t I? At about nine o’clock, when everyone on the telly was gearing up for the big hour, I decided that I should. Madonna would have.

  But the minute Shanee opened the door I knew that I’d made a mistake.

  “Lana!” she shrieked. “I can’t believe it! You actually came.”

  Already I didn’t know why I had. One minute I was sitting there on my own in my new, empty flat with nothing to do, listening to the echoes, seeing Les in his yellow shirt dancing like John Travolta. And the next I was getting me and Shinola into our velvet dresses.

  “I didn’t realize it was casual,” I mumbled. From what I could see, lots of the girls were in jeans or leggings with see-through or sequinned tops. And almost all of them were wearing black or grey, or some combination of black and grey. Red was obviously not the in-colour this season.

  “You look beautiful,” Shanee assured me. “Very mature.”

  I took this to mean “old”.

  Shanee was wearing a dress for a change, but it didn’t have a lace collar and cuffs. It didn’t have any collar or cuffs. It was long and gauzy and in layers. The top layer was black but underneath it was purple and, underneath that, red. It was very sexy in a quiet sort of way. I’d never seen Shanee look sexy before. It was a bit of a shock.

  “You look pretty mature, too,” I said.

  Shanee grabbed my arm. “Come on, let’s put Shinola in my room, then I’ll introduce you to everyone.”

  “Right,” I said. “Brilliant.”

  I followed her through the mob. A couple of people looked at me as if I was carrying an orangutan and not a human baby, but mostly nobody seemed to see me. Nobody waved hello or anything. I recognized a few faces, but not as many as you’d think.

  “You’ve certainly made a lot of new friends since I left school,” I joked.

  “Yeah,” said Shanee. “I suppose I have. There’s so much going on.”

  I laughed. “Yeah, I know.” There was a lot going on in my life, too, only it all seemed to be going in a circle.

  Shanee giggled. “Who ever thought growing up would be so much fun?”

  “Not me,” I said.

  Shinola, of course, was not about to go to sleep just because I wanted her to. She was in play mode.

  “I have to get back to the party,” said Shanee. She made a face. “The responsibilities of the hostess. Come and get me when she’s asleep.”

  “Sure,” I said. “If I can still recognize you by then.”

  I sat on Shanee’s bed while I waited for Shinola to nod off. A boy and a girl I didn’t know poked their heads in once, looking for the snogging room, but other than that we were on our own.

  Being in Shanee’s room was like going back in time. She still had every photo we’d ever taken of ourselves stuck around her mirror. And she still had the picture of us with her mum and the kids standing in the rain at Thorpe Park. And the traffic cone we found in the road. And her James Dean poster on the wall. I thought about how many hours of my life I’d spent looking at that poster while me and Shanee talked. Hundreds. Maybe thousands. I could actually see us sitting there. We were eating biscuits and spraying crumbs everywhere when we laughed.

  Shanee was in a clinch in the kitchen when I finally found her.

  She didn’t even look embarrassed.

  “Lana,” she gushed. “This is Andy. Andy, this is Lana.”

  Andy was possibly the most gorgeous bloke I’d ever seen in real life. He wasn’t my type – he had a long ponytail and a nose-ring – but he was incredible to look at. Like a film star. Like Johnny Depp. He had to be at least twenty.

  Andy said, “How’s it goin’, Lana?” And ran one hand down Shanee’s side.

  “I’ll be right out,” Shanee promised. She kind of bumped her hip into Andy’s hip. “I came in for more food. Amie and Gerri are out there. Ask them to intr
oduce you to anyone you don’t know.”

  “OK,” I said. “I’ll see you in a bit.”

  I couldn’t get Amie’s attention. She was laughing her head off with two boys I didn’t know. They didn’t go to our school, that was for sure.

  I couldn’t get Gerri’s attention either. She was in the snogging room.

  I wandered round, picking at the snacks and smiling as if I was having a good time. I got a beer and tried to mingle. I stood on the edge of a group of people and listened with a smile on my face. But they were all talking about people and things that had nothing to do with me. I got another beer. The beer made me feel a little better. I stood myself in a corner and kind of swayed to the music, like I was waiting for someone to ask me to dance.

  And then I spotted Gary Lightfoot over by the drinks table. He used to be in my form. He’d always been a bit gawky and stupid, but he was a friendly face, so I gave him a smile. It was like waving a red flag at a bull. He was beside me so fast I bumped into the wall.

  “Lana,” said Gary. “Long time no see. How’s it goin’?”

  I said it was going great. How about him?

  “Brilliant,” said Gary. “So everything’s all right?”

  “Yeah,” I said. “Everything’s great.”

  He was smiling at me like he was posing for a photograph.

  “So,” Gary cleared his throat. “Did you have the kid?”

  “Yeah,” I said. “I had the kid.” I nodded towards the hall. “She’s sleeping in Shanee’s room.”

  “Brilliant.” Gary nodded. “So what’s its name?”

  “She’s a girl,” I said. “Her name’s Shinola.”

  Gary’s smile started to quiver.

  “You what?”

  “Shinola. It means beauti—”

  “Shinola?” Gary’s smile was all over the place. “You mean like the shoe polish?”

  “Shoe polish?” I wasn’t smiling at all. “What are you on about, shoe polish?”

  “Shinola,” said Gary. “It’s a shoe polish.”