by M. H. Strom
“Really?” Her eyes widened.
“Yeah, there are four art schools. I have to send them slides of my work and my high school transcript. I’m still putting it all together.”
“Where will you get slides from?”
“I have some already, from high school.”
“You really do wanna be with me, don’t you?” She looked at me in happy amazement.
“Yeah, I do.”
“When will you find out if you got in?”
“I don’t know. Not for a while.”
“It’s going to be so hard leaving here not knowing what’s going to happen.”
“What happened to ‘love will find a way’?”
“But will you find a way though?” She searched my eyes.
“I’m not gonna give up on you.”
After we’d finished our meal, I paid the bill and we left the restaurant. I opened the car door for her again, and she gracefully got in.
“What movie are we going to?”
“Anything you want.”
“Even a chick flick?” She giggled.
“Within reason.” I grinned.
The movie theater was just down the road. We drove past it slowly to see what movies were playing.
Joanna peered through the window at the sign. “There’s nothing I’ve heard of.”
“It’s a small movie theater. There’s a bigger one ten minutes away—”
“No, I see one we can go to.”
“Which one?”
“50 First Dates? It sounds like the perfect movie for our first date.” She laughed.
We entered the darkened theater. There were only a few people there, and we chose some seats away from everyone else. The movie started just as we sat down.
“Perfect timing.” I whispered.
It was an Adam Sandler movie and it started with some pretty coarse jokes. I glanced at Joanna hoping she wouldn’t mind it too much.
As the movie progressed it developed into an interesting romance with Drew Barrymore. There was one part where Joanna and I both laughed so hard we got tears in our eyes. The end of the movie was very moving, and I saw Joanna wiping her eyes. She saw me looking at her and laughed in embarrassment.
We sat there as the credits rolled, not wanting to leave.
Joanna sighed. “That was such a good movie. It was funny and sweet.”
“You know it’s a good movie when it makes you laugh and cry.” I grinned. “That scene where she hit Ula with the bat. . .”
She laughed. “I know, I can’t remember laughing like that in a movie before.”
“That’s gotta be the best Adam Sandler movie I’ve seen.”
“I like Drew Barrymore. She was in Ever After.”
We held hands over the arm rest. Everyone else had left and we were all alone. I leaned over and kissed her.
The credits finished and the movie screen went dark.
I sighed. “Well, I promised your dad I’d bring you home as soon as the movie finished.”
We stood up to go, but she wrapped her arms around me and we kissed again, pressing our bodies together like we were trying to merge into one. I kissed her long, slender neck making her sigh out loud. It was like we’d suddenly become desperate for each other.
We broke apart at the sound of an usher coming through the door. “Sorry, didn’t know anyone was still in here.”
We left the theater and walked to the car. It was dark now. I opened the door for her.
“This was the perfect date, Zach. You were wonderful.” She kissed me on the cheek.
I felt so full of love for her. I put my arms around her slender waist and pulled her to me.
“I love you.” I whispered.
“I love you so much.” She whispered back.
As we drove back to the campground we were both silent, like we didn’t want to ruin the moment with words. We kept glancing at each other, her with looks of such softness she was melting my heart, I was swimming in love.
I turned onto our road. “I wish we could go to my place instead.”
“Me too. I wanna be with you, Zach. I wish this date didn’t have to end.”
“We still could if you want. They don’t know what time the movie finished.”
“You know we can’t.”
“Yeah, I know.”
I turned into the campground driveway and parked behind their car. Her parents were waiting for us, as we knew they would be. I got out and opened the door for Joanna. She leaned in towards me, her eyes closed. I hesitated for a moment then gently kissed her soft lips, stroking her cheek with the back of my finger.
She opened her eyes and smiled. “Goodnight.”
“Goodnight.”
I glanced over at her parents. I couldn’t believe we’d just kissed in front of them like that. I gave them a wave and they waved back. They didn’t seem upset or anything.
Joanna looked like an angel standing there, her dress aglow in the bright beams of the car’s headlights as I backed up and slowly drove away.
That night I couldn’t sleep, my mind was filled with thoughts of Joanna. I lay in bed imagining her there with me, remembering the feeling of holding her in my arms when we lay on the sand together. It was such a natural feeling. It’s how we’re supposed to be. Our love makes us meant to be together. It’s unnatural to be apart like this. I sighed. I love her so much. I wish she was here with me now. I need her. I knew it was crazy to think this way, she was only fifteen, but I couldn’t help it. All of me yearned for her, my body ached to be with her. I tried to think about something else.
I wondered what her parents had thought of us kissing in front of them like that. It was strange how going on an officially sanctioned date made our relationship seem more real and legitimate, like we were allowed to be in love now.
I thought about what Joanna had said to me—that I’d be her perfect, ideal man if I was a Christian. It stung to know I wasn’t perfect for her. But I couldn’t be a Christian just for her. I didn’t want to be a Christian. The church we’d gone to this morning had reinforced that. They’re so fake, like they don’t even really believe in it. I sighed. But what if it is true, would I care too much about my self image to accept it? Maybe Christians aren’t representing the truth very well. That’s what Joanna’s father thinks. That’s why he’s different, he really believes in it.
“God, I do want the truth. Show me what’s true.” I whispered.
Eventually I fell asleep. . .
Five
That night I had a dream. I was standing at the back of the church we’d gone to, and the pastor was speaking—“I’ve decided to hand the microphone over to you today. I want each of you to come up and tell us why it’s good to be a Christian.”
I watched as each person went up the front to speak—
“It’s good to be a Christian because you receive God’s blessing upon your life.”
“It gives your life purpose.”
“It makes you happy.”
“It gives you peace.”
“It makes you a better person.”
“It gives you a better, more fulfilling life.”
As I listened to them, something like anger began to burn within me. I didn’t want to go up and speak but I couldn’t hold back. I marched up to the front and grabbed the microphone. I didn’t even know what I was going to say but I just started speaking—
“God hates sin. He showed us how much he hates it by creating a hell to burn it in. As much as he loves us, he hates sin. He showed us how much he loves us by giving us his own son to save us from sin. He is holy and he will judge all of us. That is why it is good to be a Christian.”
I was shocked at my own words. I didn’t know where they’d come from. The people in the church around me started shaking and sobbing and crying out to God for forgiveness.
I woke up and was immediately filled with fear. It was like all of Heaven stood open above me and I could feel his holy eyes looking right through me, seeing ev
erything.
I hid under the covers begging God not to look at me. There was such a heaviness pressing down on me I couldn’t move.
The feeling gradually subsided and I lay there, my heart pounding, trying to calm myself down. That was so intense. I couldn’t hide from his eyes. He is so holy.
I got out of bed and got a glass of water and my hands were shaking. I went back to bed but I couldn’t sleep. I lay awake until morning and got up before my alarm went off.
At work, I tried to rationalize the whole experience. It was just a dream. Probably from all that stuff Joanna’s father was filling my head with. I tried to put it to the back of my mind but I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Deep down I knew it was real. I’d seen the difference between fake and real, and the real was scary.
“Are you okay, Son? You’re looking a little pale.”
“Yeah, I’m fine. Didn’t get much sleep last night, that’s all.”
“Girl trouble?” My dad looked knowingly at me.
“No.”
“You haven’t got her pregnant have you?”
“No!”
I wished I didn’t have to work. I wanted to go see Joanna and tell her about the dream. I felt a flicker of excitement and anticipation about it.
“Actually, Dad, I’m not feeling that great, can I take the rest of the day off?”
He sighed and nodded.
I was soon bounding up the path to their campsite. Her mom saw me coming and called out—“She’s at the swimming pool.”
“Thanks!” I kept running.
I got to the pool and peered through the chain-link fence. I could see a blonde head that was probably hers. A sign on the gate read ‘campground residents only’ but I ignored it and went in.
She didn’t notice me until I got to the edge of the pool, then her whole face brightened in happy surprise.
“What are you doing here?”
“Taking a sick day.” I grinned.
She swam to me and I crouched down to kiss her. She wrapped her arms around my neck and planted a big wet kiss on my lips. I felt her pulling me towards her and I suddenly lost my balance plunging headfirst into the pool. When I came up spluttering, she was laughing at me and so was everyone else. She squealed as I grabbed her around the middle and started tickling her.
“Hey!” The lifeguard yelled at me.
I let go of Joanna and looked up at him, my apprehension turning to surprise in finding a face I recognized.
“Josh? What are you doing here?”
“I could ask you the same question. This is a campers only swimming pool, ya know.”
“I wasn’t planning on going swimming.”
“Wait, you know each other?” Joanna asked.
“Yeah, Josh this is Joanna.”
“Helloo.” Josh raised his eyebrows and gave her a sly smile as he looked her over.
I gave Josh a bemused look. “So this is your new summer job?”
“Yeah, man, it’s a good way to meet the babes.” He grinned. “You’d be surprised, they really go for lifeguards for some reason.” He looked back at Joanna and gave her a wink. “I better get back to work, someone might be drowning or somethin’. You kids have fun.”
“Nice meeting you, Josh.”
“Yeah, nice meeting you too Joanne,” he called over his shoulder as he walked away.
Joanna slipped her hands around me and started peeling my t-shirt off.
“Wanna go in the Jacuzzi with me?” She grinned.
I laughed. “Alright.”
The large Jacuzzi was set in a gazebo away from the swimming pool, and we had it all to ourselves. Joanna turned the jets on and we eased into the liquid heat.
“I need to talk to you about something.”
“Okay?”
“Umm. . .” I wasn’t sure how to start. “Last night I had a dream—”
“Is this another naked dream about me?” She giggled.
“No, this is serious.”
“Okay.”
“I had this dream and when I woke up I could feel God’s eyes looking right at me, it was really freaky. I was scared.”
Joanna’s eyes widened. “What was the dream?”
I recounted the dream to her. “. . . then I woke up and I could feel what all those people in my dream must have been feeling. He’s so holy and I felt so unclean. I was begging him not to look at me.”
“Wow.”
“I didn’t feel his love, just his holiness. It was scary.”
“His love is found in Jesus, he saves us from God’s wrath. He’s the sacrifice for sin, and by his blood you can have forgiveness and be made clean before God, but you have to believe in Jesus that he’s paid the price for your sins on the cross.”
“I know all that stuff.”
“But do you believe it?”
I thought about it for a moment. “Yeah, I do, but I don’t feel saved.”
“Maybe you need to be baptized.”
“What for?”
“When I got baptized they told me it was being spiritually buried with Jesus and becoming one with him in his death, so you’re dead to your old life and you’re raised up in him to new life. My dad knows all this stuff. We should go talk to him.”
“No, I want you to do it.”
“Do what?”
“Baptize me.”
“But my dad knows what to do—”
“I want you to do it. Please Joanna?”
Joanna bit her bottom lip. “Right here?”
I looked around. I could see Josh sitting in his elevated lifeguard chair.
“No, not here. How ‘bout the cove?”
She looked at me for a moment then nodded.
We walked down to the beach, neither of us saying anything. I was nervous. I didn’t know what to expect—another spiritual experience like last night?
At the cove, we held hands and walked into the cold water. When we were over waist deep she turned to me.
“You sure you wanna do this?” She looked so unsure herself.
“Yeah.”
“Okay.” She pressed her lips together for a moment.
“Zach, do you accept Jesus Christ as Lord of your life?”
Her question took me by surprise. A phrase came to mind, ‘Not my will but yours be done.’ I knew it was a big thing to commit to but I had to do it.
“Yes, I do.” I said, full of sincerity.
“Then I baptize you in the name of Jesus Christ.”
I took a deep breath and let her push me under. I closed my eyes as the water came over me, and in my mind I immediately saw myself as a little boy playing with wooden blocks and a train track. The tracks were in a circle and I’d built bridges and buildings around it. Then I heard a voice say, “At the end of the day you have to put it all away.” I knew instantly what it meant—at the end of my life all the things that had made up my life would be put away like toy blocks. Then I saw the bridges and buildings disappear, and the train tracks became a straight line for a train to travel along, shining its light into the darkness.
My head broke the surface of the water and I opened my eyes. I stood up, feeling dazed by what I’d seen. Joanna was looking at me, and I suddenly realized there was no more guilt or fear. I felt free. Everything seemed to shine in a new way.
I looked at Joanna in amazement. “I feel new.”
We made our way back to shore.
“You have a huge smile on your face.” She laughed.
“I’ve never felt like this before.”
We sat on the beach and I described what I’d seen while under the water.
“That’s a vision from God, Zach.”
“It’s amazing. I can’t believe this has happened to me.”
“It’s so exciting, you’re a Christian now! There’s nothing standing in the way of our love anymore. I knew you were the one for me.”
I looked into her beautiful, blue eyes and smiled, but something in me felt restrained, like I couldn’t think of her that wa
y anymore.
“Joanna . . . the vision I saw, I think God wants me to give up everything in my life and focus on doing his will.”
Joanna studied my face.
“I have to give up everything, my art, surfing. . .”
“That means me as well?” She said in a quiet voice.
“I’m not giving you up. We’ll still be friends.”
“Why?” Joanna’s eyes filled with tears and she turned her face from me. “God didn’t tell you to give me up. That’s your own idea. God wouldn’t tell you to give up the one you love.” She stood up.
“Joanna—” I tried to reach for her but she ran from me.
She turned back. “This isn’t fair! I baptized you and now I’m being punished for it!” Then she ran, leaving me there with an aching heart, yearning to go after her and comfort her. I felt her pain like it was my own, and it broke my heart.
But I have to do this. Not my will but yours be done. I took a deep breath. This is so hard, God, help me to do your will.
I wasn’t going to be a lukewarm Christian. It was all or nothing.
I went back to the shack and started pulling down my posters and grabbing stuff off the shelves—I had to get rid of everything.
I looked at the portrait of Joanna on the easel. Can I just keep this one thing to remember her by? But I knew I had to give it up. I looked it over one last time then stuffed it in the garbage bag.
I’m giving up everything I used to be so I can be what you want me to be.
Deep within I was grieving, but I ignored it. I tried not to think about Joanna, I felt so bad for her.
Living for God is a lot harder than I thought. It’s like a self-inflicted life of misery. But even as I had that thought I could feel God with me. I still felt new and there was a deep excitement in me I’d never felt before. I just wanted to please God with my life.
There was a knock at the door and I went to open it half expecting it to be Joanna, but it was Josh.
“Hey dude, just got off work.” He strolled past me and flopped onto my bed. “I see you’re doing some redecorating. Going for a minimalist look?” He saw the Bible next to the bed and gave it a strange look.
“Yeah.”