Arousing Love, a teen novel (complete)

by M. H. Strom

  I got another letter from Joanna but I didn’t even open it.

  God no longer felt near to me. If I prayed I could hardly believe he even heard me. I felt like I was losing my faith.

  I painted another portrait of Joanna, her face so pale, almost transparent, her smile like she’d forgotten what she was smiling about. It was Joanna as a fading memory.

  Just before daybreak I got up and went for a long walk along the beach. It was dark and gloomy and looked like rain which suited my mood.

  “Why didn’t you help me get into college? You knew how important this was to me.” I spoke to the sky and the sky answered with a single drop of rain on my forehead. “Is this some kind of cruel joke you’re playing on me?”

  I kept walking, ignoring the damp chill. What was I going to tell Joanna. I still couldn’t bear the thought of telling her.

  “So you didn’t want me to marry her? Why did you let us fall in love then? Why did you give us all this hope?”

  A chill wind blew against me and it started to rain. I yelled into the wind, “do you even care about me at all?” Somewhere deep down I knew God still cared about me but I wanted his pity. I wanted him to feel sorry for what he’d done.

  I walked all the way to the cove and found our initials carved in the rock. I touched her ‘J’ as if it was a part of her she’d left behind.

  “I know this is your will for me but it’s just too hard.” I felt a rush of peace come over me, warming me from within. All my plans for the future were gone, all my hopes and dreams were over, but somehow, through all the darkness, I knew God was still with me. I had to trust in him no matter how bad things were. I held on to that last little bit of faith with all the strength I had left, because it was the only thing I had left to hold on to. I fell to my knees in the wet sand. “I trust in you. I will follow you no matter how hard it is. I give it all to you, Lord. Your will be done.”

  I felt a deep sense of peace for the first time in a long time. It still hurt, but I only wanted his will for my life.

  I looked down at the ring on my finger, this thin silver band that represented so much—all our love, all our hope for a future together. Somewhere Joanna was wearing a ring like this one and she was still hoping and believing in us. For some reason that thought gave me hope too. She hasn’t given up on us.

  “God, I know you’ve closed all the doors, and I accept that, but if there’s any way we could still be together. . .” I felt a sudden surge of hope fill my heart. “You still want us to be together, don’t you?”

  He’d closed the doors to college but maybe he would open another door for me somehow. I just had to hold on to that hope and not give up.

  When I got back to the shack, I opened the letter from Joanna. A card fell out and I picked it up. It was a home-made party invitation. ‘You’re invited to Joanna’s sweet 16 birthday party.’

  I unfolded the letter that came with it.

  Dear Zach,

  I’m glad you liked the video. My two best friends are Emma and Crystal. They’re crazy and funny and we have a lot of fun together. But sometimes it’s like they can’t turn that off and discuss serious things, which is why I miss you so much. You’re the only person I can really be myself with because you’re like me. You like to be silly sometimes and have fun, but you also like to talk about deep things. I really love my friends but if I try to have a deep conversation with them they turn it into something stupid. It never used to bother me before, I think it’s because I’ve changed so much since I met you—

  “Zach!” The shrill voice of my mother intruded. “Phone for you. It’s Joanna.”

  I left the letter and went to the house.

  “Hello?”

  “Hi, it’s me.”

  “Hi me, I was just reading your letter. Sorry I haven’t written for a while.”

  “I was beginning to worry, it’s been such a long time since your last letter, is anything wrong?”

  I wanted to tell her everything was fine, but I couldn’t lie to her.

  “I didn’t wanna upset you. . .”

  “Why, what’s wrong?”

  I sighed. I couldn’t see any way around it. “I didn’t get into college.”

  There was a long pause. “Did you hear from all of them?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Oh. I thought it might be that, or you’d met someone else and fallen out of love with me.”

  “That could never happen, you should know that by now.”

  “So what are you gonna do?”

  “I’m trusting God. He closed all the doors but he can still make a way for us. I believe he still wants us to be together.”

  “Maybe you should just come. You don’t need a sign if you know in your heart what God’s will is. Maybe he’s teaching you how to be led by the Spirit instead of signs.”

  “Yeah, maybe . . . but I already asked for a sign, I can’t ignore it now just because it isn’t what I wanted. And it’s such a big thing, if I come to Colorado we’ll be betrothed. It’s a decision that’ll affect both of us for the rest of our lives. I need God to show me clearly that it’s his will and it’s what he wants for us. I’m scared of just deciding something like that when it’s this important. He knows what’s best for both of us.”

  “I’m scared of the opposite though, Zach—that it is God’s will but it won’t happen because of some sign you made up to test it when God didn’t even want you to do that. If you know that it’s God’s will for us to be together then just trust God, you don’t need a sign. I’m scared I’ll lose you for no reason when I know we’re meant to be together. I know without a doubt that you’re the one for me. I don’t need any sign to confirm that.”

  “Joanna, God can do anything. It was an easy thing for him to get me in to at least one of those colleges. Why didn’t he? Was it just chance that I didn’t get in to any of them? Two of them were supposed to be easy schools to get into. I had a good portfolio and good grades. I should’ve walked in to any of them. I believe in God to open and close the doors and direct me where he wants me to go. If I’m the one for you he will still make it happen, because I trust him to.”

  “How can it happen now if God has closed the doors?”

  “I don’t know. I lost all hope when I got that last rejection letter, I was so depressed and full of self pity, but I learned that God doesn’t respond to self pity, he responds to faith. When I gave it all up to him and just trusted him he gave me a new hope. I’m believing in God to work things out some other way. I don’t know how yet, but I know he will.”

  “Okay.”

  “I love you so much, Joanna. This time apart has been a thousand times harder than I thought it would be.”

  “Me too. Sometimes I wish we’d just made love already. Then we’d have to be together.”

  “Yeah. . .”

  “I’m going to keep hoping and believing for you. Don’t stop writing to me though, Zach. You don’t know what it’s like waiting to hear from you and nothing comes.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be afraid to tell me the truth about anything, and don’t shelter me from it. It just makes me worry more and start to think the worst, that you’ve lost interest in me or something.”

  “I’m not going to lose interest in you. A love like this doesn’t just go away like that.”

  “You can be honest with me and tell me anything.”

  “Alright.”

  We were both silent for a while, then she spoke in a whimsical voice. “Remember sitting on the beach cuddling up to each other? I miss that so much, just being there with you.”

  “Yeah, me too. I miss holding you close.”

  “I miss our talks, and your kisses.” She giggled. “Remember our first date? It was so much fun.”

  “Everything was fun with you. There’s no fun without you.”

  “Zach, if you want me to I could come back there for the rest of summer.”

  “How could you do that? Your parents would nev
er let you.”

  “We’ll run away together. It’ll be romantic.”

  I realized she was just fantasizing and I decided to play along. “Yeah, we’ll live on a tropical island by ourselves.”

  She laughed. “You’ll hunt for food and I’ll cook it for you. You can make me a little house.”

  “We won’t wear any clothes and we’ll go skinny dipping all the time.”

  She laughed. “That would be paradise.”

  “I’ll be your Adam and you’ll be my Eve.”

  “I’ll give you all my love. I’ll make you so happy.”

  My heart was starting to ache. “Let’s not talk like this anymore.”

  “I know. I better go. I’ve been talking too long already.”

  “Hey Joanna, I love you.”

  “I love you too. Bye.”

  “Bye.”

  “Are you still there?”

  “Yeah. It’s hard letting you go.”

  “I know.”

  “Bye.”

  “Bye.”

  There was a click and she was gone.

  ♥ ♥ ♥

  “Zach, this came in the mail for you.” My dad pushed an envelope under my door. “It looks important.”

  I picked it up off the floor. It looked like another college letter. I ripped it opened.

  Dear Zach,

  This year we’ve had an overwhelming response to our full art scholarship award. Out of more than 20,000 applicants we have selected you, along with nine others, as finalists for this year’s program. We will be interviewing each finalist to determine the recipients of this year’s scholarship award. You will need to schedule an interview with us through our office between now and August 11. Please bring original artworks with you to the interview for us to evaluate.

  Our college of fine art is considered one of the most prestigious art schools in the country. Our professors and faculty are among the most highly esteemed in their respective fields.

  The scholarships will include full tuition for a four-year arts degree program, as well as some living expenses including an accommodation allowance. We reserve two places each year for our scholarship students. If you applied to our college and were not accepted this scholarship provides you with another chance to gain a place in this year’s class.

  We heartily congratulate you for being chosen as a finalist among so many of your peers. It is no small achievement, and you can consider yourself to be among the very best of your high school level contemporaries in art. We wish you the best of luck. Further questions can be directed to the office of the Dean of Admissions.

  We look forward to meeting you soon.

  It was signed by the dean of the college.

  I sat there completely stunned. This was my first choice school that I’d just received a rejection letter from. I remembered something about all applications being included for assessment in their scholarship program.

  I was still stunned. I couldn’t believe it was real. This was supposed to be one of the hardest art schools to get into in the country. I thought about calling Joanna, she’ll be so excited. But maybe I shouldn’t tell her yet. What if I don’t get it? There are ten people going for two places. I don’t want to raise her hopes up. But what if I do get it? I was trying not to let myself get too excited but I couldn’t help it, hope was inflating in me like a hot air balloon. This is so huge! I have to believe this is God’s will for us. This is the very best he had for me all along. Thank you God! Your ways are always greater than ours. You know what’s best for us, we just have to trust in you!

  I needed to tell somebody. I ran to the house to find my parents, bursting in on them in the kitchen.

  “I’m a finalist for a scholarship to an art school in Colorado! I have to go to an interview and if I get it, it pays for all my tuition and some living expenses as well! It’s one of the best art schools in the country.”

  My parents just stared at me.

  “Look.” I showed them the letter.

  “When is the interview?” My mom sounded overly cautious which grated against my euphoria.

  “I have to call them and set a date for it.”

  “How are you going to get there? It’s a long way.” My mom was quickly squashing my enthusiasm.

  “Do you think you could lend me some money for the airfare?”

  “What’s wrong with the art schools here? Why didn’t you discuss this with us before you applied to something so far away?” She genuinely sounded unhappy about it.

  “But Mom, this is like the opportunity of a lifetime. It’s one of the best art schools, and they’ll pay all my tuition for a four year degree.”

  “This is about that girl I suppose. She’s from Colorado isn’t she?” My dad spoke for the first time.

  “Yeah, that’s why I applied there. We’ll be living in the same town if I get this scholarship.”

  “You really care for this girl then, obviously.”

  “Yeah I do.”

  He frowned and nodded. “I’ll give you the money.”

  “Really?” I hadn’t expected him to be the supportive one.

  “It’s about time you got off your butt and did something with your life.”

  I smiled. “Thanks Dad.”

  “But Son, you do realize there’s no surfing in Colorado?”

  “Yeah, but they have snowboarding.” I grinned.

  Eleven

  We were due to land and I was getting more and more nervous and excited. I hadn’t told Joanna I was coming, I wanted to surprise her. I’d set my interview date for the same day as her birthday and I was going to show up at her party afterwards. She’s gonna be so surprised to see me. I almost laughed at the thought of it. I couldn’t wait to see her.

  After the plane landed, I got my bags, checking that my paintings had survived the trip okay, then took a taxi to the college for my interview.

  I had to wait in the lobby outside the dean’s office. I was so nervous now, I knew my whole future rested on this interview. God, give me peace and confidence. I took a deep breath and released it slowly. I just hope I don’t say the wrong thing and ruin everything.

  Finally the receptionist called me. “Zach, you can go in now.” I stood, and my legs felt a little wobbly. I gathered my paintings and walked through the double doors into a large oak-paneled office. Don’t say anything stupid, just be yourself.

  There was no one in the room and I wondered if I’d come to the right place. Then a door opened at the far end of the room and a tall, distinguished man came through it.

  “You must be Zach, pleased to meet you. I’m the dean, Randle.” We shook hands and he ushered me towards the door he’d come through. “I’ll introduce you to the others.”

  I followed him into another room. There was a large desk with a man and woman seated on one side.

  “This is the director of our fine arts program, Professor Harris.”

  The man stood and shook my hand.

  “And this is Professor Langstrom who lectures in art history and portraiture.”

  She stood and shook my hand as well.

  “Take a seat, Zach.” The dean motioned towards the lone seat opposite them.

  I sat down feeling very small behind that big desk and before such academic luminaries.

  “Well, Zach, we were very impressed with the slides you sent us of your work. Do you have anything more recent we could have a look at?” Professor Harris glanced towards the canvases I’d placed beside me.

  “Yes, I brought ten originals, all of them were painted this year.” With shaky hands I placed my unframed canvases on the desk in front of them, and they held them up one at a time to examine them.

  “This is amazing work for someone so young.” One of the men said, not directed at me. “Look at this.” He passed the painting to the woman professor.

  “This is very interesting, Zach. Can you tell me about this one?” She turned the painting around so I could see it. It was the painting of Joanna as a fading
memory.

  “That’s a portrait of my girlfriend in a moment of doubt about our future.”

  “Really? This is so interesting. You made her face extremely faint as if you have no real idea who she is. At that moment you just don’t know. The eyes and mouth are especially wonderful. Is she smiling or scowling? But what you do know is that she’s staring at you, studying you intently, because she’s asking the exact same questions of you. You are both a mystery to each other. Your painting captures that moment perfectly. It’s a classic painting of human experience.”

  I didn’t know what to say. It wasn’t the meaning of what I’d painted but I wasn’t about to tell them that.

  “You’ve painted this young woman quite often, I see.”

  “Yes.” Several of my paintings were of Joanna. She looked at me as if waiting for an explanation. “Uh, she’s . . . I’m . . . we’re . . . I . . . love her.” I felt embarrassed.

  She smiled. “Yes, I see that coming through in these other paintings. But this one is so fascinating to me.” She pointed again to the fading Joanna.

  “I agree, it is a fascinating portrait,” Professor Harris spoke up. “The shape of her face is similar to the African masks that had such an influence on early twentieth century art such as Picasso’s Demoiselles d’Avignon, and Derain and Braque. The enigmatic look on her face I can only compare with the Mona Lisa. It’s one of the better expressionist paintings I’ve seen in my time here. These paintings show a far greater maturity and emotional depth than your previous work, Zach.”

  I was beginning to feel embarrassed by all this high praise being heaped on my painting, especially when I hadn’t meant to reference anything or make it mean what they thought it meant. I’d nearly decided not to bring that painting with me as it was so emotionally personal to me. I only included it to show some variety in my work.

  “So, Zach,” The Professor spoke again, “What is your philosophy when it comes to your art?”