“I don’t know what I can promise, Holt. But I want to be with you. Right now I want to be with you,” he said. He meant it, right now he wanted me, but what about tomorrow or next week? Could I live with the loss? I sighed. I didn’t have the will or foresight to be able to stop this from happening. I gently drew his face to mine and we kissed.
“I love you,” he whispered against my lips.
He’d finally said it but I no longer trusted the words. “You need the water,” I said, unable to say anything else, despite what my heart screamed. He kissed my wet hair and rose, stripping off his hose. His manhood lay swollen but quiet and I left the bath on the other side to him, wrapping a large towel around my waist quickly.
I drank the brandy while he washed and we did what we could with his hair. It would be long time before it returned to its sleek perfection. Once done he left the water and guided me into the room we’d used previously. I stood and stared at the bed.
Galahad, though, refused to let me wallow for long. He tugged off my blanket, shocking me into moving back and banging my head on the beams. “Bed,” he ordered. “Tomorrow is a new day and we begin a new life.”
“How so?” I asked.
“Because that’s what you do when things go wrong, right?” he asked.
A small smile made my lips twitch and I nodded. “Right. When it all goes wrong you find the strength to go on.”
“So, get your arse into bed and let me fulfil my promise to you,” he said. He lay against the wall, giving me the space. I climbed onto the mattress and the familiar scents wafting up from the sheets reassured my instincts I was safe. I lay down and Galahad lay next to me, placing his hand gently on my chest.
“Your heart is beating too fast, Holt,” he whispered.
“I know. I’m sorry.”
“Do you want me to leave?”
I clutched his fingers. “No.”
“Then I won’t. You just tell me what you want from me.”
I rolled onto my side, facing him. “Let me hold you,” I said.
He nodded, moved his arm and I placed my head on his chest. I never slept like that but I wanted to feel him cradle me in his arms and I wanted to hear his heart beating in his strong chest.
“I love you,” I whispered.
“I know,” he said. He kissed my hair and my eyes closed. I drifted into an exhausted sleep within moments.
We woke together and for one blissful moment I didn’t remember a damned thing but the feel of Galahad’s body close to mine. Then it all surged back like the tide and I choked under the onslaught.
“Shh, Holt, it’s alright, I’m here,” Galahad said. His voice was thick with sleep but he was there, instantly at my side and rubbing my back, trying to save me from drowning. “Come, lie back down, we’ll stay here for the day.”
I shook my head. “No, can’t you hear the men working on the ship?”
Galahad listened. “You’re right, a day working onboard would do you good. Then today we work, together, and we will be happy,” he said. I glanced into his dark eyes and I saw his determination to fix me. I had to admire his stubbornness.
“You are a good friend, Galahad.”
“I wish I could do more,” he said quietly.
I patted his knee. “Come on, let’s go.” I suddenly wanted to be busy and to be a part of normal life – my life.
We rose and dressed. I managed to find clean clothes among my things and felt so much better when we hit the deck. I even smiled at the smell of the warm wind in my face. Raven offered a lazy salute when I saw him and it all felt normal, wonderfully normal, until Galahad noticed someone I hadn’t seen.
“Valla?” he asked, moving from my side and causing a shot of anxiety to go through me.
A figure I’d taken to be a scruffy young man turned to look at us. It was Valla but I hardly recognised her. She’d hacked her hair off, obviously using a blunt knife, almost scalping herself in the process. Her cheekbones were even more clear and her clothes hung off her; food was no longer her friend.
“Your Highness,” she said and bowed. “I am relieved to see you. We picked up your trail last night, but you made it back alone, I am pleased.”
“What have you done?” Galahad said, reaching out to touch her head. She jerked backward.
“It was unsuitable, Highness,” she said. “May I be excused? I have duties to perform. We are mending the sails.”
“Of course,” Galahad said.
Valla bowed and left us, circling around us and glancing at me only slightly. I sighed heavily.
“What’s she done?” he asked.
“It’s a sign of repentance and dishonour among the wolves. She hurt you, would have killed me and I think she’s suffering because of that. It’s not a good sign. You need to make her feel better about what happened between you.”
He rubbed his face. “It’s hard work being responsible for people,” he said.
I smiled slightly. “Wait until you’re responsible for entire populations.”
He glanced at me and grunted. “Thanks for that.”
We spent the day following simple orders to help bring the Echo back into shape. By the time the day finished we were exhausted and I for one wanted to find a bed and some peace.
All day I’d managed to avoid conversation with Morgan, Nim and Lance. They’d all tried to talk to me but work came first and Galahad didn’t leave my side, making privacy impossible. Raven watched me, clearly aware something was going on, but he couldn’t quite work out how to prise the information from me.
Galahad and I ate with the sailors, once more avoiding intimate conversation. The only problem came with bedtime. I wanted another bath but no one would appreciate me making a fuss over hauling water on board.
“You could go for a swim,” Galahad said. We were in our room and I tried to pace while he sat on the bed.
I looked at him and he flushed with whatever expression he saw in my eyes. “Then the only option you have is to have a wash,” he said. “I made do with a wash.”
“A whore’s bath isn’t going to be enough,” I said.
He frowned. “That’s a horrible expression. Prostitution is wrong.”
“It’s necessary and if we tolerate it, or even support it, we have more chance of protecting the women. If we make it illegal we will drive it underground,” I said, repeating an argument I and my father had with our council over the years. I finally acknowledged that I needed to shift my rising panic. “I’ll be back.”
I washed simply and tried to ignore the babbling in my head. The thought of going to bed with Galahad filled me with anxiety but I also didn’t want to be alone. When I returned to our room he lay in bed, the lamp closed down and just a stub of a candle burning. I suddenly heard every kiss of water against the hull and the air smelt of brine and men’s sweat.
“Come, you need to sleep,” Galahad said.
I sat on the edge of the bed and began to unlace my shirt. For the first time in my life I became aware of the difference between being dressed and naked. I’d normally work with my shirt off, the desert too hot to be wearing clothes, but today I’d remained clothed.
I felt the bed shift and Galahad’s hand touched my shoulder. “It’s alright, Holt. We are just going to sleep and I’m here to keep you company.”
The tension inside me kept my jaw locked shut so I didn’t bother trying to reply. I grew angry with myself and almost tore my shirt off trying to get it over my head. Next came my hose. The cabin was hot, I wouldn’t sleep at all if I remained dressed. I took them off and sat on the bed, breathing hard.
“I need a drink,” I finally managed to growl.
“You need to sleep, Holt,” Galahad contradicted quietly.
I flinched when he touched my back with his fingertips but he didn’t move away. The gentle movement forced me to throw myself down on the mattress, the panic turning to anger effortlessly and I welcomed the anger. Galahad covered me in a sheet, protecting my dignity.
“Try to relax,” he said, lying down beside me but not touching me. “I’m here if you need me.”
I grunted, reached up and plunged us into darkness.
I didn’t sleep.
Galahad clearly tried to fight his own exhaustion, hoping to hear me relax enough to start snoring but he lost the fight and sleep smuggled him from my side. I lay there and every unhappy memory and thought chased themselves through my head, trying to find room to accommodate these new regrets. Torvec figured heavily and the misery of what my father would think of my weakness. When I’d tormented myself for long enough I cried quietly and sleep won in the end.
CHAPTER THIRTY ONE
I woke late, Galahad wasn’t beside me and I was thankful. I felt utterly wretched. My entire body ached as if I’d been on a three week drinking binge and then been in the fight of my life. My eyes were gritty and long held tension made my head pound.
I rose, dressed and made it up on deck.
“About time you showed up, you slack jack. Get up in what’s left of my rigging and help with the sails. We are about to leave,” Captain Raven bellowed at me.
I squinted hard against the sun and saw Galahad up there already. I didn’t think, I just followed orders and for two days that’s all I did, with Galahad my silent shadow. The only time he spoke was to distract people from talking to me directly, moving them quietly away so no one touched me, questioned me or invaded my fragile shell. I worked on the ship until my hands were sore and my palms bloody with blisters. When I couldn’t work any longer, I retreated to the room I shared with Galahad and I slept.
I always woke with a jolt, Galahad nearby, but not touching me and I felt the misery of my many failures wrap me up and form a barrier between myself and the rest of the world.
The third morning I woke Galahad was already lying with his eyes open next to me. The ship felt different, calm and still, the rigging sounded slack and I smelt a different version of brine.
“We’re in a harbour,” Galahad said, turning his head to look at me. His eyes were haunted, dark stains marring the skin and he must be exhausted, trying to keep up with me.
I studied his face for a long time. “I’m sorry,” I said.
He frowned but didn’t move. “For what?”
“Everything. I’ve completely failed my father and your parents. You aren’t safe, you aren’t even happy, I’ve screwed up everything.”
The frown deepened. “I didn’t think being Prince of Albion meant I was supposed to be permanently happy. And as for safe – you’ve kept me safe, Holt. I am safer here with you than with The Lady. I’d rather be a rabbit in your warren than a rabbit with a snake.”
I managed a faint smile. “Alright, but I’m still sorry.”
“I think we need to give you something else to think about. We’ll go to the harbour, find a market and buy supplies. You need to find a way to place this stuff in your head somewhere else. I need you,” he whispered. “I can protect you but I need you to help make plans.” His eyes shone with unshed tears and his desperation for me to stop retreating from the world and return to him could be read clearly in his face.
I didn’t reach out to touch him but I did nod. “I’ll try.”
He closed his eyes for a moment in acknowledgement of my consent to return to my duties as the King of Camelot and rose. We were both naked but only because the heat inside the Echo grew with every day we sailed south. I left the small room and made it to the deck. Bright hard light made me blink rapidly and I heard the noise of a town floating over the water.
Raven walked to my side. “You look like shit,” he said. “When was the last time you bothered shaving?”
I rubbed my face, the beard becoming full, though still short. “I’ll see to it, Captain.”
His hand landed heavily on my shoulder. I flinched but remained still. I glanced toward Galahad but he spoke with Morgan near the ship’s rail. “Holt, you need help. I don’t know why, but I can see it in you. Let me help.”
I glanced at him and registered his honest concern. “I’m fine, Raven, really. Galahad and I want to go ashore. Would that be alright?”
“Holt –”
“Please, Raven.” I finally met his eyes properly and he saw my silent plea – ‘don’t push me.’
The Captain slumped. “Alright, my friend. I’ll split the list up and send you all off looking for things we need. You and the boy can take your sisters and buy food. Money will be a problem soon with all the damage done to the Echo so don’t go mad.”
“Aye, Captain,” I said.
Being locked on the ship had made the wolves and Morgan profoundly miserable. I’d managed to avoid the constant bickering but I could see it wore on Nim and Lance who’d been dealing with it while I’d been hiding. Once I had the list, food mostly, I split it up again and gave Nest half, retaining half for Galahad, myself, Morgan, Nim and Lance. Personally I wanted shot of everyone for the day, but I considered that an almost impossible dream at the moment.
The dories were called and when the small boats drew alongside the large ship people began climbing into them as they bobbed on the harbour waters. I stood at the rail staring down at the bright and clear waters below the Echo’s hull.
“Holt?” Galahad asked. He stood in the dory, balancing with ease as it nudged against the side of the ship. “Come on, we’ve been waiting for this for days.”
A fine tremor raced through my body. I’d be on the sea with no more than a single plank between me and the monsters that lurked in the depths. I’d never feared the sea, I respected it, but I didn’t fear it. Anything could happen in that small dory.
Galahad must have seen something in my face because he climbed back up the rope ladder toward me. “Holt, stop and think. Nothing can take you here and I won’t let anything happen. It’s like falling off a horse. You have to be able to do this and I will be there the whole time. He isn’t going to take you again – I promise.” He spoke quick and low. “Look at me,” he ordered.
I stared into those dark brown eyes and I nodded. “I know, I just...”
His hand covered mine on the rail. “I understand, but we have to do this and you’ll feel better once we reach shore.”
I flung myself over the rail and scrambled down the rope ladder with hardly a breath. Galahad came down more slowly and sat beside me, I focused on the middle of the small dory and watched the water in the bottom slosh about. The girls were babbling, a chirping noise around my head. The wolves were talking but they were more subdued. Valla wore a headscarf to hide the ruin of her hair but nothing could take away the bruised and delicate beauty of her now naked face.
Galahad’s scars were calming quickly, Nim working on them a little more each day.
“Everything looks so different,” Morgan exclaimed happily. “Look, Holt.”
I glanced up automatically, her childlike excitement calling to the older brother in me, making me respond and for a moment I forgot my own troubles.
The harbour was a natural horseshoe shape and the mouth of the bay was closed down to a fairly narrow channel keeping the water calm and separate from the sea outside. The channel must be well maintained because there were larger ships than the Echo in the harbour. I looked toward the source of Morgan’s excitement and had to agree it did look like an interesting place.
There were white buildings everywhere, understandable in the extreme heat already beating down on us. Lots of people hawked their wares and went about their business. Noise washed over the bay, everyone from fishermen to merchants. None of which was unusual but on this occasion there was simply so much of it all. Many of the men were as dark if not darker than Kerwin, their black skin stark against the long flowing robes most fey favoured. These robes were all heavily coloured, fluttering in the wind like the bunting we put out on celebration days. Most wore hoods to protect their heads, tied into place by cloth headbands.
The buildings were made of fine stone, washed white, with shutters painted blue or green. Arche
s covered the roads and alleys built with brick and covered in tiles. We were subjected to colour, sound and life. After days on the Echo I found it overwhelming. We hit the jetty and large hands started to pull us from the dory. Galahad managed to intervene between me and any help offered, so I scrambled up onto the wooden dock alone.
“We’ll go that way,” Nest said to me. “There are many people moving around and we’ll make our own way back to the Echo.”
“Fine,” I said.
She placed a hand on her sister’s shoulder and guided her away. I wished the wolves would leave, dealing with Valla’s misery and Galahad’s guilt over us both made me feel sick. I watched them walk away, Valla not saying a word.
A small but rough hand slipped into mine, the contact surprising me. I looked down into Morgan’s large blue eyes.
“You alright?” she asked.
“I’m fine,” I said, trying to remove my hand, but her grip tightened in response and her eyes hardened.
“Holt, whatever it is, you need help. Galahad is clearly doing his best, but others among us love you, don’t forget that.”
I couldn’t meet her gaze for long and dropped my eyes. “I know. I’m fine,” I whispered. She moved and placed a soft kiss on my cheek before vanishing toward her sister and Lord Fitzwilliam.
Lance took over and moved us off, telling everyone to take note of where we were so if we became separated we’d find our way back easily. I trailed behind the others thinking of a tavern and some time alone. We walked into the widest street and languages we didn’t know washed around us, with Albion’s common tongue mixed up with everything else. Other types of fey gradually became more obvious, the red hair and almost white skin of the Salamander, the blonde of the northern tribes and the dark heads of Sidhe. They made me nervous; the Sidhe tribes still didn’t like Camelot or the royal families.
“Keep your names to yourselves,” Lance said, seeing the others around us. “We don’t need people to know we have the most valuable cargo in Albion walking these streets.”
The Pendragon Legacy: Sons Of Camelot Book One Page 21