by Lisa Hobman
Mallory laughed as she watched them from a safe distance. For some reason Greg sprang to her mind. He had given her the ‘happy to be friends’ speech and then had gone off and picked up some random girl who now seemed to have taken up half-naked residence in his house.
She mentally slapped herself as the thoughts whizzed through her mind. What right have you got to judge him? He’s single. He’s attractive. He’s a man and men, like women, have needs. So, he’s screwing an Addam’s Family reject, what is it to you? You don’t want him. You just don’t want anyone else to have him.
She recoiled at the barrage from her subconscious. Was that the problem? Did she want him to want her? Was it true that she liked feeling wanted, but didn’t like it when his attentions were clearly aimed at someone else?
Mallory’s heart pounded as she thought through and analysed her reaction to seeing Trina at Greg’s house. Immediately another snide comment sprang forth. He’s only known her two minutes. What kind of man moves a woman into his house after that long? A desperate, pathetic, sad and lonely man, that’s what. Maybe a man with something to prove? She shook her head as if doing so would eradicate the mental altercation between the two parts of her psyche. And anyway, you don’t know that she’s moved in, for goodness’ sake.
She stood up, threw her glasses down on her lounger and ran straight for the cold water. That was one way to derail her current destructive and pointless train of thought.
*
The days seemed to fly by and before she knew it she was down to her last three days with the Buchanan family. It had been such a wonderful experience. A lot had happened for Mallory in three short weeks, including planning a memorial service in Sam’s honour where Mallory would get to meet all of the people who loved Sam and becoming godmother to Ryan and Cara’s little boy at his baptism. They named him Dylan Samuel Buchanan and she had cried when she had discovered this. Knowing Sam’s name would live on in the family filled her with a combination of happiness and regret that he wasn’t here to realise it.
In some ways she felt that being there without Sam gave her a sense of closure. She knew now that what she had with Sam was extra special, but that she didn’t want to give up on love entirely. She saw the way that Cara and Ryan looked at each other and the way they looked at their baby son. She had listened to stories of Sam’s dad from Renee. The fondness with which she spoke about Bill Buchanan made Mallory want to love again.
Sam had always been obsessed with her happiness and had even made her cry once by insisting that if ever anything happened to him she should move on and remarry. Remarry. If only she had married in the first place.
Thursday brought rain and lots of it. The family spent a fun day indoors playing on the games consoles and sitting at the table playing cards. Mallory had wowed them with her poker skills and had taken almost all their matchsticks. Ryan insisted that the next time she came over there would be a rematch – then he had apologised for the bad pun.
Thursday evening, they had decided to go and eat out. They had toyed with the idea of several different restaurants, but couldn’t agree on a single one. Mallory had been listening to Renee and Ryan arguing over the Steak House on King Street, which Ryan championed, and the Japanese place on Division Street that was Renee’s choice.
‘Can we go to Aqua Terra, please?’ Mallory’s voice was small, but they all turned to look at her. ‘I… I’d really like to. It’ll be hard, but I feel I need to go there before I go home.’
Renee immediately picked up the phone and rang the restaurant to speak to the owner.
Their table was booked for eight and she had worn the red dress that she had bought back in Scotland. When they arrived, her senses were bombarded with the sights, sounds and aromas from the night almost exactly a year ago when Sam had proposed. The music was the same. It drifted through the air and transported her back in time to that happy evening.
Mallory was understandably quiet throughout dinner and Renee kept squeezing her hand to ensure that she was okay. Mallory nodded each time. Eventually, when dinner was done, Ryan asked her to dance. He took her hand and led her to the dance floor. He held one hand at the small of her back and Mallory’s right hand in his left as they swayed to the sounds of ‘That’s Life’ by good old Frank Sinatra. The lyrics seemed somehow apt and Mallory smiled as she leaned her head on Ryan’s chest. She didn’t cry, even though she had thoroughly expected to. At least that was some kind of progress.
*
Friday came around too soon. It was her last day in Canada with the wonderful Buchanan family and Mallory was packing her suitcase.
Renee knocked on the bedroom door and entered. ‘Hi, darling. I just wanted to check that you are okay?’
She smiled. ‘I’m fine thanks, Renee. I’m just trying to figure out how to get all this stuff in my suitcase.’
Renee began to assist her with the mammoth task of folding. ‘I hope this time away from home has been helpful to you, honey.’ She lightly squeezed Mallory’s arm.
‘I’ve loved being here, Renee. I’ve felt closer to Sam. But I feel I’ve been able to deal with my grief easier being amongst all of you.’
Renee nodded. ‘It’s been good to have you here. I think it’s helped all of us too. Losing Sam was so difficult, but we made a pact as a family not to dwell on the sadness.’ She sat down on the bed, ‘Sam was so full of life. He would hate us all sitting around crying and gnashing our teeth.’
Renee paused and fiddled with the hem of a top she was folding. ‘After his uncle’s funeral, he told me that if ever he died, he wanted people to wear bright colours and laugh. I just didn’t want to do that at the time. But I thought the gathering we have been planning for tonight would be a wonderful time to do that. I mentioned it to everyone and they are waiting for the go-ahead. What do you think?’ Renee cringed as she awaited Mallory’s response.
Mallory sat down too, absorbing Renee’s words. ‘Oh, wow. I think it’s a wonderful idea.’
Renee exhaled a sigh and looked relieved. ‘Oh, that’s wonderful, darling. I’m so happy you think so.’ She held Mallory’s hand in hers. ‘Ryan and Cara are out in the yard hanging coloured lights on all of the trees, whilst Dylan sleeps. The food should be arriving soon and Ryan has put up the gazebo and strung that with lights too. I have asked everyone to write something down to read out and as you suggested we have some lanterns to release. It’ll be so beautiful.’ A tear cascaded down Renee’s cheek and Mallory hugged her.
*
Everything was arranged for eight that evening, in time for when the sun was descending. The weather was being kind and even the earlier breeze had dropped.
Mallory wore her bright red top and white linen trousers. She walked downstairs when she was ready and out into the back garden. She inhaled sharply as she saw the stunning sight before her. The garden twinkled with thousands of coloured fairy lights in all of the trees. It was so beautiful and she knew Sam would have loved it.
There were coloured lanterns hanging from spikes in the grass and around the edge of the gazebo and a long table displaying an array of rainbow-coloured food. There was a large photograph of Sam on the table with a garland of colourful paper flowers strung around it. The photo was one that Mallory had taken in Edinburgh with the backdrop of the colourful buildings of Grassmarket behind him and that wonderful grin on his face. She had sent a copy of it to Renee for Christmas. He looked so very handsome and happy; his green eyes vivid and sparkling.
Gradually people began to arrive and fill up the garden. She had met some of them when she was over in Canada last time with Sam by her side but everyone was kind and friendly. She was hugged and kissed more times than she could keep track of.
At ten o’clock Renee clinked her glass and a hush fell across the twinkling garden.
‘Thank you so much for coming tonight everyone. As you know, we’re here to celebrate the life of my son, Ryan’s brother and Mallory’s fiancé. He was such a special boy, but I know I’m preach
ing to the converted when I say that.’ Her words choked in her throat, but after a reassuring squeeze on her arm from Ryan she continued. ‘I asked all of you to write down a memory on a little tag you were given. We’re going to each read them aloud and once they are attached to the lanterns we’ll release them into this beautiful clear night sky.’
Everyone was silent as the first person came up to read their memory. Mallory could feel her emotions rising to the surface, so she took her place by Renee’s side and held her hand. They knew they were in for a rough ride.
‘I knew Sam from kindergarten. He was one nice guy. My earliest memory is the best one. I had joined kindergarten as the new kid. None of the other kids wanted to play with me, but Sam came over and handed me half his snack and told me his name.’ The large tough-looking man choked back a tear. ‘That has stuck with me ever since and we stayed friends from that day. And now the world is worse off for losing him.’ He wiped his eyes as he was handed his lantern and dutifully tied his tag on.
‘I worked with Sam at Woolworths when we were in college,’ the pretty redhead told the group. ‘We used to laugh all the time. The most vivid memory I have is when we had to chase a shoplifter down the street. It was a woman who was wearing a wig with things hidden underneath and as she ran away the wig flew off. It was such a crazy sight and Sam and I had to stop running as we could hardly breathe for laughing.’ She smiled. ‘I kept in touch via email and he came to my wedding. I miss those emails… I miss hearing his news.’ She tied her tag to a lantern.
‘Sam and I were good friends at High School. When you met Sam, you knew that his friendship was for life. He was there for me when my dad got ill. He supported me when I thought I couldn’t cope,’ the mousy-haired skinny man said as he fought back tears. ‘I used to get called “geek” and all sorts of other names at school by the supposed “cool” kids. Sam was different. He was popular and compassionate. I love you, man,’ he ended, looking up to the night sky and stepping down before his emotions got the better of him.
The memories ranged from school to work colleagues. It was so very emotional for Mallory, hearing how well thought of her man had been. There were a few jokes too which lightened the mood.
After a while it was Ryan’s turn. ‘Losing my bro is one of the hardest things I’ve ever gone through, losing Dad was bad enough. We weren’t like a lot of brothers. There was no real sibling rivalry. Don’t get me wrong, he was such an idiot sometimes, like the time he decided to put the Christmas lights on the roof to save Dad a job and we had to get the fire department out ’cause he got scared and couldn’t move. We ribbed him about that for years. But he was there for me no matter what. When Cara and I split up briefly in college and I was so sure none of it was my fault. He somehow made me realise that it was actually all me, being an ass. Maybe if he hadn’t done that I wouldn’t have my beautiful wife and son.’ He rubbed his eyes and looked up at the sky. ‘If you’re up there lookin’ down bro, keep an eye out for Dylan, ’kay?’ He stepped away and tied his tag on his lantern.
Renee stepped forward to speak. She was shaking and squeezing Mallory’s hand the whole time. ‘My sons have always made me so very happy. They have been loving and kind. They’ve helped people in need all through their lives and I couldn’t be more proud. Cara came along and completed my Ryan’s soul. He has never been happier since they got married. She’s wonderful and I know Sam adored her too. Sam was always the outdoors type. Even as a child he was always off trekking somewhere or other. Climbing trees or rocks and coming home with grazed knees. He loved to be in the open air and you can hardly get in our loft for all the scenic photos he’s taken over the years. We were all shocked when he agreed to go to England and become a white-collar worker in his fancy suits. But then one day it all fell into place. It was all meant to be.’
She smiled at Mallory. ‘One day, not so long ago, Sam told us he was finally, utterly, irrevocably, head over heels in love with a beautiful English girl he had met within two months of being there. We were all delighted. When we had the pleasure of meeting the soul who had completed our Sam, we all fell in love with her too. And his love of the outdoors was shared by Mallory. They bought their home in Scotland and he had his dream come true; Mallory, the outdoors and the amazing backdrop of the Highlands. Sadly, now Mallory has to live the dream without him.’
A tear escaped and she simply let it fall. ‘Sam will be missed more than words can say, but I hope Mallory knows…’ She turned to address Mallory directly. ‘I hope you know, sweetheart, that some of the best memories I have of Sam are of Sam with you.’ She hugged Mallory hard as the tears came. Mallory held onto Renee as if she held the very essence of Sam within her.
It was Mallory’s turn to speak now. She had to muster up every ounce of strength she could find. She had actually planned out what she was going to say to him on their wedding day and it felt fitting to say most of the words now.
Mallory closed her eyes and with a trembling voice, began to speak from the bottom of her heart. ‘Sam, I literally fell into your life, one cold December lunchtime. You made me laugh so much and I knew right then and there that my heart was yours. The way you looked at me, let me know that, even though I doubted myself, you saw me. You saw the light inside me and you made it glow brighter than ever simply by being with me.’
With her lip quivering she inhaled a little courage. ‘You made everything fun and even when we argued you made me laugh, which I said I hated, but I didn’t really and you knew that. I miss you so much that I sometimes forget to eat, which isn’t like me.’ She laughed through her tears. ‘Being here these past few weeks has helped me to love you more, but also to let you go. But I want you to know that you’ll always be in my heart. I love you, Sam.’ She could hear little sobs coming from the small gathered crowd of friends and family and her heart ached.
The crowd wandered down the garden to the area which took them away from the trees. They stood in silence and, in small groups, released their lanterns. The sky lit up as they floated away in peaceful silence. The lanterns danced and played in the slight breeze as they floated higher and higher towards the heavens. It was a truly breath-taking sight. They all stood and watched for a while. Renee, Ryan, Cara and Mallory clung onto each other.
With tears streaming down her face Mallory whispered, ‘Goodbye, Sam, I love you.’
*
After a six and a half hour flight from Toronto to Glasgow, Mallory alighted the plane at eleven fifteen a.m. It was raining heavily when she climbed into the chauffeur-driven car that had been arranged for her as a treat by the Buchanans. She relaxed into the seat and thought back to her wonderful holiday. A serene calmness filled her now; one that she hadn’t felt since before Sam’s death.
The sleek black Mercedes pulled up outside her cottage and the driver opened the door and helped her out. She went to unlock the door and the kind driver, Michael, brought all of her bags inside for her. She thanked him and he wished her well.
She closed the door and looked around her lounge. It felt good to be home. Home, she repeated in her mind. The word seemed to finally fit. She took her bags, one by one, up to her room and dropped them on the floor. They would have to wait. She wanted to see Ruby-doo.
Moments later, and ignoring her tiredness, she started the engine on her little yellow car and it reluctantly spluttered to life. Pulling away from her cottage, she set off for Greg’s house. She had informed him by text of her ETA but hadn’t had a reply so wasn’t sure if he would be around. In addition to that she wondered if Trina would be there, scantily clad in something of Greg’s. For a moment she wondered if she should call ahead to give the woman fair warning to put some damn clothes on. She frowned at the realisation that Trina’s presence irked her and turned up the radio to keep her mind occupied.
When she arrived, he was outside in the rain messing about under the bonnet of the Land Rover. She tapped him on the shoulder and he turned around, startled, banging his head on the hood.
&n
bsp; ‘Ahhh, shit!’ He rubbed his head and then realised who the culprit was. ‘Mallory! You’re home!’ He went to hug her but stopped, looking down at his oil-covered wet clothes.
Mallory sniggered. ‘Yep, I’m home.’ Her stomach fluttered a little and she smiled. It was really good to see him in spite of how things had been left before her holiday.
Wiping his hands down his grimy T-shirt, he gestured to the house. ‘Come in, I’ll make us a coffee.’
She followed him in and Ruby came scurrying towards her making little yappy noises and whining. The little fluff ball had missed her owner so very much, that much was clear. Mallory got down to floor level and cuddled her little black dog.
‘Has she been okay?’ Mallory asked as she nuzzled Ruby’s spikey fur.
‘Aye. She was fretting a wee bit to begin with but I think Angus brought her around. She’s followed him like a little shadow.’ Greg clanked around filling the kettle and taking mugs from the cupboard.
‘Oh I… erm… brought you this as a thank you.’ She handed Greg the little gift bag.
His eyes widened. ‘Oh, you didn’t have to get me anything. I was happy to help.’
She shrugged. ‘It’s not much.’
He pulled out the little black box from the gift bag and opened it. ‘Oh, wow, that’s beautiful.’ He lifted out the turquoise and shell bracelet and held it aloft to look at it more closely.
‘It was made by the Chippewa tribe in Ontario and I know you like symbols and things. The crossed arrow charm hanging from it represents friendship.’
He swallowed hard and remained silent as if trying to find the right words. ‘I… I love it. Thank you,’ he eventually croaked as he slipped it on his wrist.
‘So, where’s Trina?’ Mallory eventually enquired, trying to appear nonchalant.