Dead Men

by Derek Haines

  ‘Just fine Steve. Don’t get yourself all worked up over this. It’s nothing.’

  ‘You could end up in deep shit Tony. Surely you realise that?’ Steve insisted.

  ‘She hasn’t pressed any charges. They mentioned something about an AVO. An Apprehended Violence Order. A piece of paper to stop me going there. I don’t know. I’m tired,’ Tony said nonchalantly.

  ‘Let’s just drop the subject huh Steve,’ David calmly said. ‘I’m sure Tony’s had enough of this for one day.’

  ‘Yeah. Sorry Tony,’ Steve said apologetically.

  ‘That’s ok. Any chance of a beer? I’m bloody thirsty.’ Tony smiled bringing the subject to an end. ‘What did you two get up to today?’

  ‘Worried about a big ugly Italian,’ was David’s light hearted response.

  ‘Let’s just have a beer and go to bed. It’s been a long day.’ Tony said ending any further conversation.

  In his own mind the day had been very traumatic. He felt sorry for his wife. He still loved her. Not that anyone would have recognised this emotion in him. At the same time he hated what she had done and become. His mind was at ease about what he had done. It was his place to punish her. He felt he had every right. He knew he hadn’t physically hurt her, apart from a few bruises. With his strength and size he could’ve inflicted serious injury if he hadn’t restrained himself. His aim in what he’d done was to show her there were consequences for her actions. If he hadn’t reacted, albeit much later than he’d wanted to, she would’ve gone unpunished for her adultery. That was a situation he had rectified. It was the humiliation he wanted her to suffer. As he had suffered. It wasn’t revenge in Tony’s mind. It was justice. His responsibility. As the law had not, and would not administer justice. He worried for his children. He didn’t worry about his own future. He didn’t believe he had one.

  Within a few days the incident had faded. Tony’s wife didn’t press charges. But an apprehended violence order was issued, barring Tony from going within five hundred meters of the house, and not to have any contact with his wife. She had also made a claim that he had threatened to take the children. The AVO now prevented him from contacting them as well. He would have to appear before a court to contest the claim. It could take up to a year for the matter to be heard and finalised.

  Tony seemed unconcerned. But he was. The events of the recent weeks were beginning to take a toll on his morals and pride. He was still unrepentant. He had done what needed to be done. But being totally removed and ostracised from his family would change Tony. And it could only be for the worse. David and Steve didn’t raise the issue again. Neither condoned what Tony had done. Neither really understood Tony’s need to do it, but they did know his belief was very strong. To them that was for his own conscience to settle.

  Steve had become a fixture on the sofa by now. Neither Tony nor David minded. He didn’t bother them. He came and went as he pleased. Both of them had to admit to themselves that they enjoyed having him around. He was likeable as always, and he’d brightened their lives with his penchant for women. None of them wanted to begin any kind of relationship, and the games Steve played with women gave them all some strange sense of satisfaction. Not only in physical release, but also in an unhealthy and submerged release of anger and bitterness towards women. It made them seem disposable. An object. ‘Just toys,’ as Steve often called them. All three had been until recently, devoted and loving husbands and partners. The sudden changes in their emotional and moral states were reactions to each of their own senses of loss and hurt. Existing as they were, as a small united unit of three depressed, bitter and angry men in a small flat was a most unhealthy environment. They fed of each other’s anger and spite. There was no respite, as one would always be able to drag the others down.

  Men generally have one very constant similarity. They do not discuss their feelings or emotions. Rarely, they may with their wives or long time partners, but never with other men. The essence of manhood is drummed into boys from a young age that they must be strong and dependable. Society hasn’t changed in this regard in thousands of years. Men are programmed all their lives to stay strong in any circumstance. Be tough. Be the protector. To show one’s feelings or emotions would be totally against this upbringing. Steve, David and particularly Tony had this upbringing. They were men. They didn’t let their emotional guard down at any time. Each would do battle with their own emotions and feelings in the quiet of their own minds, and sleep restlessly within the conflict of their emotions. To hold all this grief and anger inside themselves was painful. To all three, that was part of being a man. Had they talked openly to each other, they may have found the release they so desperately needed. When marriages break down, there very rarely seems to be anyone to counsel a damaged man. So he copes the best way he knows how. With toughness. Is it any wonder that some men act irrationally? In the small confines of a tiny flat, these three men try to be tough, and face their problems like men. None of them want to be seen with a tear in their eyes. All shed a tear at night in the privacy of sleep. All three could sob for days if they let their guard down. None will.

  David had made enquires and put out feelers amongst his business contacts to see if he could open his business in a small way. He was becoming bored. Felt himself slipping away from reality. He needed to rebuild his life. Enthusiasm was something he had possessed most of his life. He felt it was in short supply at the moment but he had to try. Making plans to open in a small serviced office, he busied himself most days, for most of the day. When his energy or enthusiasm ran short, he left it until the next day. He was starting to feel some purpose again. The settlement process with his wife was moving at a snail’s pace. He didn’t know whether it was her or the system. Either way it was frustrating. The property on the coast had had some lookers, but no offers. He refused to stand still because of these facts. If he could get an income stream coming in from even a few small transactions, he considered he could move out from the flat. Out from under Tony and Steve’s constant presence. He liked them both, but he was realising how much of a defeated threesome they had become. They dragged him down.

  David knew Steve was back into drugs in some way. Not being associated with drugs, it had taken David a little while to realise that Steve’s mood changes were not just a reaction to his circumstances. He wasn’t sure what Steve was on. Steve kept it well hidden. David wasn’t his keeper and minder. It was a logical conclusion that Steve had to be making money to not only buy drugs but simply survive. He had been contributing to the expenses of the flat. Without his job, David assumed he was on social security, but was also not naive enough not to consider that Steve was finding money from another source. Probably not legal. As long as it didn’t affect David he left the subject alone. He would just prefer to find a fresh start for himself. Sometimes though, when you’re down and out on the canvas of life, there is always just one more boot to be laid into you as you try to get up. David’s kick in the guts came by mail.

  It was from his first wife.

  ‘I am writing to you in the hope that we can reach agreement on a new scale of maintenance payments. With both children wanting to continue their education I have sought advice and it has been suggested to me that a figure of three hundred dollars a week would be a fair contribution from you. I have attached relevant scales and formulas to show you how I have reached this figure. I would ask for your reply and agreement within fourteen days. If we cannot reach agreement I will take the matter to the Family Court.’

  David sat stunned. Totally stunned. ‘The money hungry bitch,’ he thought to himself. ‘She knows that I’m trying to settle all the problems with my separation and she lands this on me. For fuck sake.’ His thoughts running overtime. ‘This must be a set up.’ David knew that his second wife kept in touch with his children and that both wives had got on reasonably well over the years. It had been a situation created to make the kids feel comfortable with everyone. ‘I wouldn’t mind betting that this’s a set up,’ he thou
ght again.

  ‘Seen a ghost mate?’ Steve asked David.

  ‘Sort of. Yeah. A ghost from the past. My first wife’s asking for a ten fold increase in maintenance payments.’

  ‘Fucking hell Dave. What’s going on? Has the world gone completely fucking mad?’ Steve spat.

  ‘I think it has. I really think it has. This’s just insanity. Pure fucking greed and insanity,’ David said. ‘Am I sentenced to spend the rest of my life with a weekly solicitor’s appointment? I give up. I just give up. What’s the point?’

  David was holding back his rage. This was just about the last act of greed and selfishness he could handle. Taking a deep breath to control his anger, he slid the letter back into its envelope. ‘I think I’ll let my solicitor handle that.’

  ‘Good idea Dave,’ Steve slurringly agreed.

  David could see Steve was high. In a way he envied him. Steve had become totally carefree. Irresponsible. He wasn’t a bother. David worried that if he fell much further though, he could begin to become a problem.

  ‘Have you been in touch with Beth at all?’ David asked trying to bring a little positivity to the conversation. ‘I’m sure she’s worried about you. You two could work things out if you wanted to.’

  ‘Beth who?’ was Steve’s reply.

  ‘Have you given up completely Steve. On life?’ David asked. Then wishing he hadn’t asked.

  ‘Nope. I intend to enjoy it,’ Steve said.

  ‘Good for you Steve. I wish I could say the same for myself. I’ve had a gutful.’

  David checked with Charles Stewart. His advice was that she would find it difficult to change the existing maintenance arrangements. But, she could lodge an application to the court.

  ‘She gets to play for free with legal aid I suppose?’ David asked caustically. ‘Even if I win I get lumped with legal costs.’

  Charles suggested in the circumstances, that in the first instance, it may be better for David to write a letter or contact his first wife by phone and explain his situation. Perhaps point out that her application would be a waste of time and money as David was technically and practically without an income.

  ‘This hasn’t been one of your better years Dave,’ Charles said with a sympathetic smile.

  ‘That’s an understatement Charles. It’s been a shit of a year so far. Has there been any progress with the deed of settlement with my second wife? God that sounds dreadful. Sounds like I’ve got a list.’

  ‘Well Dave, I must admit having one matter before the Family Court is traumatic for anyone. Having two at once is unusual. And yes, I’ve had some progress with your deed. Your wife’s returned the documents we prepared. I received them a couple of days ago. She’s elected not to seek legal representation. She’s had her signature witnessed by a justice of the peace instead.’

  ‘What difference does that make?’ Dave asked.

  ‘It means that we now have to prepare a section G, which is a full financial disclosure. The papers then have to be returned to her to do the same thing.’

  ‘More delays huh?’

  ‘I’m afraid so Dave. I did take it upon myself to call her yesterday to see if I could talk her into using a solicitor. She was adamant that she didn’t need one. I tried to explain that it would speed things up if she simply had the Deed witnessed correctly, but she seems to have dug her heels in here.’

  ‘Sounds very familiar Charles. She never did like being told what to do. Well, can you get things moving from this end?’

  ‘Yes Dave. I’ll do what we need to do. I’ll be in touch to get a financial statement from you.’

  ‘That wont be difficult. It’s getting smaller and easier to count every day. How long will this take Charles?’

  ‘About two weeks I would think. As long as she responds reasonably quickly.’

  ‘Ok, well I guess there isn’t any more I can do ‘til then.’

  They shook hands and David left. He was frustrated. This was supposed to be quick. Now it seemed like she was holding things up. ‘When this is over I think I might just run away somewhere,’ David caught himself thinking. His mind returned to more pressing matters. ‘Write a letter or telephone?’ He decided a letter would be better. The telephone could end up in a screaming match. That wouldn’t help things at all. The pressure was mounting on David. A closed in trapped feeling. This last surprise grab for money by his first wife was even affecting his feelings as a father. He wondered if he’d ever really been one. Or had he just been simply a source of money? He almost wished the last twenty years would just vanish from existence. And everybody with it. He went back to the flat to draft his letter.

  Careful to make it as unemotional and factual, and at the same time reject her claim, David spent all afternoon preparing the letter. To make sure he was completely happy, he waited until the next morning before posting it. When he re-read it the next morning he was still happy with its content. As he walked down the street to post it, he hoped it would be successful. One thing it wouldn’t fix, would be the bitter feeling he now felt towards her. After fourteen years of what seemed to David like good, sensible and open communication, shared between them, for not only the children’s benefit, but also their own friendship, had now been soured permanently. His feelings for her now were only contempt and anger.

  The two women David had loved, he now hated. He hated to hear their names. Hated to think of them. Hated what they had done to him. And hated even more what they continued to do to him. They would not let him go. They would not let him run away. All he could see in the near future was the bindings both of these women had placed on him. Neither wanted him. Neither loved him. Neither spoke to him. They both held him in a cruel limbo. A frustrating, never ending circle of spite and mistrust. The first few weeks of loss and anguish after his wife had left, had now been replaced with all consuming hatred. The recent request for money from his first wife only heightened his unhealthy feelings. He was only a short distance from allowing his mind to seek a taste for revenge. David was not a violent man. Never had he raised his hand in anger at a woman. Or anyone for that matter. Apart from his childhood fights, which were few, he was a gentle man. David could not have reacted as Tony did to his anger. In some ways though, he envied Tony. At least Tony had released his anger. He knew Tony felt no guilt for what he had done to his wife.

  David didn’t walk directly back to his flat. His mind was overloaded with emotions and problems. He walked to the shopping centre, had a cappuccino, then walked to a nearby park, and sat on a bench under a shady white gum. From there he could see the human activity around the shopping centre. The inane fight for parking places. People fighting with shopping trolleys that possessed a mind of their own. He wondered why all shopping trolleys seemed to be equipped with three wheels that worked perfectly and one that didn’t. He watched a young mother with a full trolley of groceries, a toddler seated in the trolley, and a young child at her side. She battled with her trolley as she tried to make her way to her car. The trolley lurched towards cars on her left. She used all the force she could muster from her slender body to force the trolley to obey and head directly for her car. No sooner had she struggled to make the trolley head straight ahead, it lurched to the right, dragging her and her child with it.

  His concentration was fixed on the sight of the struggling woman and her children. He felt himself encouraging her to fight the trolley. Encouraging her to take control. Her battle continued when she reached her car. Trying desperately to secure her two young children in the car, as the trolley wandered aimlessly away from her. She caught it with her foot, as she helped one child into the car. With one hand now back on the trolley, and one hand trying to secure her children in the back seat of the car, David could see her starting to lose her temper with her children. He couldn’t hear her, but he didn’t need to. Her face was reddened from not only the physical exertion in pushing the trolley with a mind of its own, it was also reddening now in anger and frustration. She was obviously telling her childre
n to behave, do as they were told, conform, obey. Shouldn’t she have been telling the shopping trolley? It was at fault, not the children. The performance continued as the woman then took her groceries from the trolley and loaded them in her car. Each time she took two bags and deposited them in the boot of her car, the trolley wanted to wander away. Either in the path of a moving car, or towards the shiny duco of the expensive car parked next to her. Catching it each time, just before it could inflict disaster onto the world. Finally the act was coming to an end. David watched as she loaded the last of her groceries into her car. Closed the boot. Then watched her, as she made her decision as to where to deposit the trolley. After a few attempts at leaving it in front of her car, and watching it roll away, she decided to head for the trolley bay. He could see her, again trying to make the trolley go where she wanted it to go, but losing her concentration as she looked back to make sure her children were still in the car. After finally depositing the trolley, she skipped back to her car. Obviously flustered from the experience. She scraped the expensive car next to hers as she backed her car out.

  ‘My life feels like a shopping trolley,’ David thought. ‘As hard as I’ve tried to direct my life to where I want it to go, there’s always some uncontrollable influence that takes me to where I do not want to go.’

  The thought of comparing his life to that shopping trolley stayed with David. The chaos that a simple trolley had inflicted on that young woman’s morning created a mental picture of what had happened to himself in recent months. The more control he tried to wield over his life, the less control he achieved. He laughed to himself as he thought of one of his favourite expressions from the movie Life of Brian.

  ‘Life’s a piece of shit.’ He could now replace that with, ‘Life’s just a shopping trolley.’ It didn’t quite have the same ring to it. As he walked back to his flat, the analogy of the shopping trolley as his life stayed in his mind. To David it captured in mind numbing simplicity, how his life felt at present. Uncontrollable.