by Diana Nixon
“You don’t really know anything about me; you know I work at the club and that’s about it... Why would you care about someone you just met yesterday?”
I could hear his footsteps behind me, but I didn’t turn around to see whether he was leaving or coming closer.
“I don’t need to know anything about you to actually know you. Your moves, the beating of your heart, the way you breathe… That tells me everything I need to know about you.”
I wasn’t sure how far away from me he was now, so I dared to turn around, but of course, I still didn’t see him.
“This is insane… Can you please stop hiding from me?”
“That is one of the few things I cannot do for you… Not yet.”
“What are all these secrets about? Is it just about the rules of the club?”
“If I tell you the truth, you won’t believe me.”
“Try me.”
“Don’t rush things, Louise,” he whispered right into my ear. I didn’t hear him coming, and I couldn’t help but admit I loved having him so close to me. I don’t think my heart had ever beaten faster than it did in those rare moments where he was as close as he was now.
“You refuse to tell me anything about yourself, but you keep teasing me, playing with me, as if I were a mouse and you were a cat.”
He surprised me, saying, “The only problem is that you are a cat and I’m a mouse now. I’m addicted to you, regardless of how unbelievable is sounds.” He put his hands on my waist and pulled me slightly back, pressing my back to his chest. “I can’t stop thinking about the dance you did last night. You were stunning on that stage, so sweet and seductive at the same time; so fragile, so dangerous, and yet… So free. You were yourself up there, I could feel how much you enjoyed every move your body made. You were not afraid of falling, every step you took was so natural, as if you had been dancing since the very moment you were born. I’ll never forget that dance.”
It was unbelievable, how well he could feel me…
“I hope you can’t read my mind,” I said jokingly, “otherwise, I might die of embarrassment.”
“Why?” He asked softy, and even though I couldn’t see his face, I knew he was smiling.
“Because you make me think about emotions I didn’t even realize I had.”
“Emotions like what?”
I shook my head, feeling my cheeks blushing. “I can’t tell you.”
“Why not?”
“Because this is unfair. Why don’t we make a deal? I answer your question and then you answer mine.”
“Okay. Go ahead, ask your question.”
“How old are you?”
“Does it matter?”
“Not really, but I still want to know. And you promised to answer my question, so?”
“I’m twenty-eight.”
“Which means you are ten years older than me.”
“Am I too old for you?”
“It depends on what you mean by that…”
“Whatever a man may think about, spending his time with one of, if not the most amazing woman in the world.”
No one had ever called me amazing. No one had ever talked to me like that — as if I were not a child anymore, but a grown woman, and well aware of everything a man might want from me.
We were still standing close to each other, and I didn’t feel like stepping away or running, I just wanted to stay like that at least for a little longer.
“I don’t think you are too old,” I said, leaning against his body.
I could feel it when he began to breathe quicker. Slowly, his palms slipped under my sweater, and I felt them on my belly, just like last night. I closed my eyes, and sank into the heat coming from his touch. Oh, I was so lost in the moment. I didn’t want to think, I just wanted to feel… To remember this feeling of his touch warming me up.
I didn’t know how to explain myself. I didn’t want to look for an explanation. Because for the first time ever, I finally felt like what I was doing was right; right for me, no matter how wrong it would seem to someone else… And regardless of the club’s rules, I needed this, to hell with the cost.
I put my palms over his, and smiled, saying, “You wanted to know about the emotions I didn’t want to share with you… You sure you still want to know the answer?”
“Yes.” His warm breath caressed my neck, but I still refused to open my eyes, as if I knew it would ruin something very special.
“You make butterflies dance in my tummy. You touch me, and I’m lost… Lost to everything but the feeling of your fingertips drawing invisible circles on my skin. It’s like being caught up in a dream, a dream where no words are needed, it’s just enough to say it all with a touch, with a move, with a kiss maybe…”
He growled, tightening his embrace around me.
“You can’t even imagine how much I want this beautiful dream of yours to be true. How much I want you to get lost in my touches and kisses, how much I want to be with you… In a way I have never been with any other woman in my entire life.”
“Please don’t tell me you’ve never been with a woman before.”
“I don’t want to lie to you, Louise. And I guess you know the answer to your question. I’m not a boy anymore, I know exactly what I want. But when I saw you, I suddenly realized you would be the only thing in this world I wouldn’t be able to have. At least not right now.”
“Let me see you.”
“No.”
Of course, I knew he wouldn’t say yes, but it was still worth a try.
“Will you ever let me see you?”
“Yes.”
“When?”
“When the right time comes.”
“I hate waiting.”
He laughed quietly, the sound of his laugh vibrated on my skin. “I know.”
“How about you show me the rest of the house, then?”
“Well then, where shall we begin?”
“How about your bedroom?” I said, barely able to contain my laughter. I was sure he didn’t expect me to say that.
“You sly little fox. I know why you want to start with my bedroom.”
“Really? Why?”
“You think you will know more about me by seeing it, but I can assure you, my room is as secretive as I am.”
“Aren’t you tired of playing all these mysterious games?” He wasn’t holding me anymore, and I was already missing his embrace. I already regretted asking him to show me the rest of the house, I would gladly just stay in the sun room, wrapped in his arms.
“If the game involves you, I will never tire of playing it.”
“Do you always have to be so selfish?”
“I won’t deny it, I like people doing what I tell them to do. But as I have already said, I don’t want to be the same with you. Unless you want me to give you orders.”
“Stop being such an impossible pain in the ass. For now, it’s the best that you can do.”
He laughed, pushing me slightly toward the door.
“Look who’s talking?”
“Well, yeah, I’m not perfect, but…”
“There’s nothing more intoxicating than imperfection.”
I stopped for a moment, thinking about his words. He was right, if I didn’t like the thrill of danger that could be waiting for me here, I would have never even agreed to get into the limo. If I didn’t like the wrongness in everything that put me and him in one sentence, I wouldn’t want to be with him. Perfection is too rare to keep chasing it. Besides, why look for something perfect, when you can get intoxicated by something so wrong, yet so irresistible?..
“What demons are hidden inside you?” I asked, heading for the staircase, slowly.
“You will see them all once you look into my eyes.”
“Is that why you don’t want me to see your face?”
“That is one of the reasons.”
We walked up the stairs in silence. I didn’t know how long I would be able to play Mr. Secret’s game. Patience has never been my s
trong suit, but with all the rules I had been constantly living under, I had learned how to control my impulses. No matter how much I wanted to know more about my stranger, I liked the feeling of mystery flying in the air. It only made my blood run faster through my veins.
“Which one is yours?” I stopped, looking at the endless amount of doors in the second floor hall.
“The last one of the left.”
“Why not to move into a smaller house if you don’t have anyone to live here with you?”
“I like this place. Besides, I hope one day, I will find someone to live here with me.”
“Why did you want me to come here?”
“Because I knew I would never be able to have much time alone with you inside the club. Even getting private dances wouldn’t allow me to keep you all for myself for the entire night.”
“I hope I was not followed by one of Drew’s men. Otherwise, I’m dead.”
“No one followed you.”
“How can you be so sure about that?”
“Because I was the only person who has been following you all day.”
“How is that possible?”
“Let’s say I have my ways of controlling things.”
“So I was right after all, you are a control freak,” I said with a smile. “Is this your room?” I asked, as I stopped at the door he had mentioned before.
“Yes. Do you still want to see it?”
Actually, I was dying too…
“I don’t think there can be anything in there that would be capable of frightening me away.”
“Let’s see,” he said, with a smile in his voice. He took my hand in his and put it on the doorknob, turning it to open the door.
I think I expected anything but what I actually saw when the door opened. The room was so full of light. There were no dark shades of color, everything was white and ivory. There was a sliding glass door opening to the terrace, letting the wind and the light from the outside in.
“It looks so… Unlike you.”
“What did you expect to see here?”
“Anything but this…”
I walked over to the bed, covered with a white valance, and ran my hand down the soft fabric. I had never seen a more beautiful room. It even smelled like freedom, and I suddenly wanted to cry. Not because I couldn’t afford it, rather because it reminded of the one thing I couldn’t have now…
“Do you like it?”
I looked around again, and nodded, fighting the tears filling my eyes. Every detail about the room said it belonged to a man. There were not any unnecessary nicknacks, clothes, or other belongings, it was as if it were only used from time to time.
“Do you always live here? I mean this place looks a little… Lifeless.”
“I don’t have much time to spend here. But whenever I’m in New York, I live here.”
“How often do you come to the city?” I didn’t like the idea of saying good-bye to my stranger. In less than 24 hours he managed to get closer to me than anyone else had in my eighteen years.
“I’ll be here more often now.”
“Now?”
“Now that I have found you.”
I don’t know what was so different about the phrase, but it made my heart bleed. I had never had a family. I had never had anyone waiting for me at home, or missing me. Except for Tess; there had never been anyone else I could be myself with. Too bad even that small piece of my dream of a better life was lost now. For a moment, the pain from my parents’ betrayal returned, stabbing me right in my chest. I felt like I was suffocating.
It rarely happened to me, because I never let the thoughts about what they did get to me. And now… Now, I felt like I was about to start screaming. I just wanted to leave.
“Will you come to my next show?” I asked, breathing heavily. I didn’t want to stay in the house anymore, I just wanted to get back to my room, curl up in my bed, and fall asleep, praying for my dreams to take away the pain.
“When is your next show?”
“It’s in one and a half weeks, on Wednesday. I’ll have another solo.” There were more shows planned before that day, but none of them include a solo dance from me.
“I’ll be there.”
“Are you still coming next Sunday?”
“I wouldn’t miss the chance to see… Or rather hear you again for all the world.”
I took a few deep breaths and continued, “Can you ask the driver to take me back to the café?”
“You want to leave, already? Why?”
“I don’t feel good.”
“What happened? Would you like some water?”
“No, just… Ask him to take me back to the café, please.” I practically begged, I felt a little frantic.
There was a long pause, but he finally said, “As you wish.”
I breathed a sigh of relief. I was not ready to explain anything, I didn’t want to explain anything. I just needed to put some distance between us, as well as between me and this place; it was like a vivid reminder of everything I had never had. Not because I couldn’t afford it… It had been taken away from me long before I even knew what was going on.
After I heard his footsteps echoing in the hall, I turned around, wiped away a few tears rolling down my cheeks and went out of the room, closing the door quietly behind me.
Mr. Secret didn’t come to say good-bye. When I got downstairs, he was nowhere around. There was only Christopher, waiting for me by the open door.
Is he angry at me for leaving so soon? Will he still come to see me next Sunday? Oh, I hoped he would. I didn’t want him to think anything bad about me, I also didn’t want to offend him by my sudden change of mood.
“Tell him it was not his fault,” I said to Christopher. “And tell him I’ll be waiting for him.”
He nodded, but didn’t ask any questions, apparently knowing his boss would know exactly what I was talking about.
The trip back to the café seemed endless. The further we were getting from the house, the more I wanted to go back. I think I was simply afraid I would never see him again. I knew I should have told him why I wanted to leave, but I couldn’t, I just couldn’t. It was one of those things I never shared with anyone, not even with Tess. No one knew how much I wanted to have a real family. No one knew how many nights I spent crying myself to sleep, because I couldn’t call anyone mom or dad. No one knew how many times I tried to find information about the people who left me in the orphanage. Did I hate them? Maybe I did. But I still wanted to know their names. Especially now that I was not a child anymore; I wanted to know everything about them, including the reasons that made them abandon me.
There were huge gaps in my childhood memories; either it was due to my young age, or to the fact I simply blocked them out and didn’t let my mind bring me back to the places and things that I refused to remember. The only thing I knew for sure was I didn’t spend even one day with my biological parents. As soon as I was born, I was sent to Paradise.
I couldn’t imagine what children who were sent to the orphanage at five, six years old or later felt. They grew up and remembered living a different life, having a family, maybe even sisters and brothers. But as well as the rest of us, they never talked about what they lost, they only talked about their future.
“The café, Miss,” Christopher said, opening the dark window, separating us.
“Thanks,” I forced a smile and got out of the car even before he could open the door for me.
I didn’t want to go anywhere else today, so I took the bus that would take me back to the club. I hoped no one would start asking me about my day, because I didn’t have the slightest desire to talk about it. And I surely was not going to tell anyone about my meeting with Mr. Secret. Of all the things happened to me today, it was the only one that I wanted and needed to keep to myself.
“Louise!” Tess called me the moment I entered the club.
I cursed mentally. Not now… Not you, of all people!
“What?” I asked a l
ittle rougher than usual.
“I wanted to apologize.”
No, shit?
“For what?” I said as if I didn’t know what she was talking about.
“I didn’t want to send you to that room last night, but Drew…”
“It’s okay, Tess. It was not your call to make. After all, we all follow orders around here. Right?”
She looked at me thoughtfully, apparently trying to see if I was attempting to fool her.
“So it was all good last night?”
“Yes. Why would you think otherwise?”
“Just curious. Newbies are always afraid of their first private dance.”
“Well, I wasn’t. Anything else you wanted to talk about?”
“Listen, Lu…”
“Tess, I get it, really. You have a new life now, and obviously there’s no place for me there. But I’m not mad at you. I’ve changed too, even though you said I did not. I’m not the naïve Lu that you said good-bye to two years ago anymore. I never thought that my life after Paradise would be easy, it is far from it. But I know that I have to be the one to change it. So relax, Tess.” I smiled at her, no matter how hard it was to do. “Go back to the show room. I bet you have a lot of more interesting things to do than talk to me.”
I turned on my heel and headed for my room. I didn’t bother to turn around. I knew Tess was still standing there, staring at my back as I walked away. I didn’t try to pretend to be someone else with her, I was myself. I told her just exactly what was on my mind at the moment. And I didn’t care whether she liked it or not. For the first time ever, I realized I was the only person who had ever truly cared about my opinion…
Chapter 8
I was having one of the most difficult nights ever. I didn’t go straight to bed after I got back to my room. Instead, I changed into a pair of shorts and a long t-shirt, then went to one of the bars I knew was empty at that time of the night. It was supposed to only serve the staff, and now everyone was still at the night’s show, so I was not afraid of being seen there. For the first time in my life, I actually bribed a bartender to get a drink. It was just a shot of vodka, but it was more than enough for me to feel a little dizzy. Yes, I was one of those people who would get drunk by just smelling the alcohol, not to mention drinking it.