by Diana Nixon
After pouring the shot down my throat, I remembered the first time I had experimented with drinking. It was the day before Tess was supposed to leave Paradise. We were coming back from ‘work’ and decided to stop by one of the bars where, according to Tess’s words, anyone could get a drink without showing an ID. We didn’t want to get drunk or anything, but that’s what happened anyway. We had a few bottles of beer, but it still felt like we had tried half of the beverages sold in the bar. No wonder, Marlena punished us. Not just for being late, but also for showing up dead-drunk. Not that we cared, of course. We laughed like never before. And it felt so good, we were free and careless, even though we were locked in the basement for the entire night, with no beds to sleep on. Back then, we were so happy. We didn’t think about tomorrow or the fact that it was our last night together in Paradise. We were drinking in the moment, remembering different funny stories that had happened to us in and outside the orphanage. For me, that night was one of my favorite memories...
I opened the door to my magical wardrobe and turned the lights on. Thousands of shining crystals covering my costumes blinded me as the light reflected off of them. I sat on the floor and leaned against the wall behind me. Unlike everything else about my new life, dancing was the only thing that still made me believe there were things worth living for; there can be good in the world but you have to make it happen.
There was a time when I probably would have died for one of the dresses I owned now. Dancing in one show didn’t automatically make them all mine, no one knew how long I would be allowed to use them, except for Drew maybe. But somehow, I didn’t want to know how long I would have to stay in Le Papillon to work off the money he had paid for me. I was afraid to hear the answer… I only hoped my new ‘imprisonment’ wouldn’t last forever.
I could see how hard it was for Kate to keep living there. Work had been her only escape from the endless torture happening inside her. She hated the club, including everything else about her life here. But she loved Drew too much to leave. And I didn’t want to end up the same way she did; I didn’t want to be bound to a place where I knew I would never be happy. Whatever I had there was enough for now, but definitely not for the rest of my life.
I stayed in the wardrobe for a little while, until I felt like I was about to pass out at any second. Then I got to my feet and went to bed, falling asleep the second I had pulled the cover up to my chin.
I was having a dream…
I was standing in the middle of Mr. Secret’s bedroom. There was no one in the room except for me, so I did a little searching. I walked over to one of the dressers and opened it. To my surprise, there was nothing inside it, except for a stack of letters, wrapped in a red, satin ribbon, with my name on them. I took the first envelope and opened it.
“Dear Louise,
I miss you so much… Since the day we first met, I can’t stop thinking about you. I will never forget the way you were looking at me. That look in your eyes… It makes tremors run through me. Every time I close my eyes, I see you… And no matter how many times I tried to get those images of you out of my head, I just can’t seem to… I hope one day, I will see you again. Not just in a dream, but for real…
Always Yours
W.”
So his name started with a W… I knew so little about him, this small discovery felt like the biggest victory ever. I read the letter again and smiled, pressing it to my chest. There was nothing special in it, but it still made a familiar feeling of excitement form inside of me.
When I was just about to open the next letter, a voice behind me said, “Curiosity can be very dangerous.”
Instinctively, I closed my eyes and turned to Mr. W. I didn’t want him to blindfold my eyes again, but I knew he wouldn’t let me look at him.
I didn’t see him, but I could feel him standing very close to me. He took the letters out of my hands and put them back into the dresser, closing it.
“Why wouldn’t you let me read them all? They are addressed to me.”
He took my hands in his, and pulled me closer, wrapping one arm around me, and touching my chin with the other one. “There are so many things I would like to tell you, Louise.” His fingertips caressed my cheek softly. “There are so many things you need to know about me.”
“Tell me… Tell me what the so many things I need to know are.”
“I can’t. Not now. There are certain things that can’t be changed, but I promise you, one day, I will answer all of your questions.”
I was a little pissed at all of his excuses. I was tired of the little charades games he was playing, I didn’t have the slightest desire to guess what they meant. I just needed a few answers.
“Kiss me,” I said, suddenly. If I couldn’t get everything I wanted, maybe I could get at least one small reward for playing those games of his.
I could feel his breath tickling my lips, I couldn’t help myself. I didn’t want another promise from him, I wanted more. I wanted to see him… I wanted to be with him… I wanted give myself to him…
“Give me at least one thing to remember about you.”
“Oh, Louise, stop teasing me please. You can’t even imagine how much self-control I would need to do what you’re asking me to do.”
“Is one kiss too much to ask for?”
“I wouldn’t stop at kissing you…”
I could feel his embrace tighten around me.
“What else would you like to do?” I asked, a little afraid of the answer I would hear.
“Do you really want to know?”
“I do,” I said without hesitation. Regardless of how frightening his words sounded, I wanted so much more than just a kiss… And now I knew he wanted it too.
Suddenly, he let me go and took a step back, leaving me completely alone.
Was he going to leave me again?
“Where are you?” I asked.
“Follow my voice,” he replied. “Keep your eyes closed.”
I did what he said, and a few moments later, I felt his arms wrapping around me again. He was standing behind me now. I reached forward and touched a smooth surface, I assumed it was a mirror, and then I wondered why he would take me to a mirror if he didn’t want me to see his face.
“You can open your eyes whenever you want.”
Really? I hesitated. Was I ready to see him? Was I ready to get the answers I had been looking for for so long?
His palms slid up my hands and stopped at my shoulders, pushing the straps of my dress down. His lips touched my skin, and I forgot all about the endless stream of questions running through my head. The butterflies in my belly danced. Every kiss he gave me, caused my skin to crawl. It was almost too much to bear. It was so easy to imagine spending all of my days and nights lost in the tenderness of his touch.
“You can’t even imagine how sexy you look right now; so sweet and so desirable,” he whispered, unzipping my dress from the back. After another second, I felt a light breeze from the wind embracing me, and causing my dress to slip down to my feet with a soft rustle.
I was almost naked, and I couldn’t see him. I was standing in front of a mirror and the eyes of the man I wanted to be with. I wasn’t ashamed, not even a little bit. Maybe it was simply because my eyes were still shut; I couldn’t see his face or his eyes, and I was sure he was studying me very carefully.
“So beautiful, so pure… Like an angel sent do save me from my hell.” Slowly, he turned me around, pulling me closer to him. “You are the reflection of everything I love so much, Louise.” His palms slid down my sides, bringing our bodies closer together. “You’ve never been with a man before, and I don’t know if I have the right to take advantage of your innocence. If I have the right to claim you as mine and bind your life to mine forever. I don’t know if I deserve such a gift…”
I dared to take the last step into his embrace; the fabric of his shirt rubbed my nipples.
“Why would you think you don’t deserve me?” I asked inches from his lips. Even th
ough my eyes were closed, I could feel there was nothing but a thin layer of air between our faces.
“If I tell you the truth, you will hate me.”
“Then don’t… Don’t say anything, just kiss me. Please…”
My palms rested on his chest, I could feel the wild beating of his heart under my skin, it made the desire in me grow. I eased forward and teased his lips with mine. I wasn’t afraid of being pushed away, I knew he would never do that to me. I could feel it.
Pressing my lips harder against his, I wrapped my fingers around his neck, hoping I would break his resistance and make him free his needs and desires which I was sure were equal to mine.
I was right, it didn’t take long to tear down the wall that had been hiding the real him. I felt like every inch of my body was exposed to him. I was trembling slightly with anticipation over what might happen next.
He didn’t rush to deepen the kiss. Instead, his lips made their way down my neck and stopped at my breast, caressing its delicate surface with his tongue. I gasped for air, afraid I may lose my balance. I had never been touched like that before. It was different from everything I had ever experienced, and that doesn’t cover the tension growing in between my legs.
Is that what they call physical attraction? If so, I don’t want to miss a second of it.
A few moments later, his lips were back on mine, he took his time exploring them, teasing them with his tongue and biting them gently, as if he were afraid of hurting me.
“I wanna see you, please,” I practically begged.
“I told you, you can open your eyes whenever you want.”
But the moment I thought it was time to see my stranger, something unexpected happened. He turned me back to the mirror, pressing me hard to his chest, his hand slipped down my chest and into my panties, touching the most sensitive part of me.
“Remember, Louise — once you see me, there will be no way back…”
My eyes flew open, I sat abruptly in my bed, breathing heavily.
The dream felt so real, it almost hurt when I realized I was no longer there, unfortunately I had to go back to my own damn reality that I hated so much.
I groaned, leaning against my pillow. There was no way the things I had seen in my dream were my secret fantasies, or I was simply trying to fool myself by denying the obvious? Was it possible to want a man you didn’t even know? Oh, hell yes, it was…
When I was just about to get up and drink some water, I heard a noise and voices coming from the hall. I tiptoed to the door and pressed my ear against it, trying to catch the words from the conversation.
“You are playing with the fire, Val,” someone said. It was one of the girls, I just couldn’t tell which one.
“Why do you care?” Tess snapped back. “I’m not obliged to work here anymore, I can leave any time I want.”
“Oh really? Then why are you still here?”
“Get the hell out of my sight, Natasha. You have no right to tell me what to do with my life.”
“It won’t take long for people to notice you are not the star here anymore, Val. Someone else has already taken your place.”
Tess laughed. “Do you really think Louise Woods can take my place?” She said my name as if it was the most ridiculous name ever. “She’s just another toy that will be broken in no time.”
I was a little surprised to hear my name. Who would have thought that Tess, of all people, would ever admit that I was a better dancer than she was?
“Not everyone is like you, Valery.”
“And what the hell is that supposed to mean?”
“You know damn well what I mean. If Drew finds out about your affairs, he will punish you. And we both know that throwing you out into the street would be the easiest punishment for you.”
“You don’t know anything about me, Little Doll. So if you want to continue working here, you’d better keep your mouth shut about everything you’ve seen tonight.”
“I won’t tell anyone. You know I won’t. But I’m not going to cover for you anymore. Next time you need an excuse to leave the club in the middle of the night, find someone else to help you.”
“Didn’t I pay you enough for your small lie?”
“I don’t need your money. It’s not like you would ever help me if they decided to kick me out of here, and I want to stay. I need this job.”
“Of course you do. Don’t worry, I won’t bother you anymore. But remember one thing — if you open your little mouth and Drew or anyone else finds out the truth, you will leave with me, whether you like it or not.”
Heels clip-clopped against the marble floor, and I didn’t hear anything else. Apparently, the conversation was over.
I went back to my bed, thinking about what I had just heard.
Where did Tess and Natasha go tonight? What did Natasha see? What affair or affairs was she talking about? Was Tess secretly seeing one of the club’s visitors?
No matter how much I hated to admit it, it was the only logical explanation I could find.
No wonder Tess looked so careless. With the salaries they pay the dancers here, there is no possible way she could afford all of the fancy belongings I saw in her room. Now I was damn sure all of it wasn’t just clothes and jewelry for the shows. She received them for sleeping with the clients…
I can’t say I was surprised about my discovery. I knew the Tess, who lived and worked in the club was not the same Tess I used to be friends with. She acted as if no one, not even Drew could give her orders, as if she was the true and only owner of her life. But I still couldn’t understand why she started seeing our clients outside the club.
For as long as I could remember, Tess has always loved money. But I could have never imagined she loved money that much. After all, becoming a whore would never solve all of her problems…
I was sure they didn’t have anything to do with getting more money. There was something else hidden behind her story. It was the something else I had been trying to figure out, and just haven’t been able to yet. Because even for the new Tess, sleeping around didn’t seem like it was the only way to ensure her survival.
Chapter 9
“Louise, are you okay?”
Kate and I were having breakfast, but considering the little amount of sleep I managed to get last night, I didn’t feel like eating, at all.
“I don’t feel good, actually. I think I might have caught a cold yesterday.”
“Where were you, by the way? I checked your room in the afternoon, but you were not there.”
“I just … went sightseeing. I’ve never been allowed to have a good look at the city’s sights, you know?”
“I can’t believe you guys were not allowed to go more than fifteen miles away from Paradise. How can they say they actually care about homeless kids, when they do everything in their power to make the lives of the children there a living hell?”
“I guess we will probably never know the answer to that. Hey, can I ask you about something else instead?”
“Sure. What is it about?”
I looked around carefully, making sure we were alone in the café. Last night, after I heard the conversation Tess and Natasha were having in the hall, a thought came to my mind…
“How close were Valery and that girl... Isabel?”
“Well, it’s hard to make friends here, you know? We can pretend we are close, but in reality, we are anything but friends. But Val and Isabel were really close. I still don’t know why. They were polar opposites. I would have never imagined Valery befriending someone like Bella — that is what we call Isabel at the club. She has always been the black sheep here. I don’t know where Drew found her. She was not one of Paradise’s girls, and she was very different from everyone I had ever met here. She was shy and even while dancing, I could see how hard it was for her to show off too much naked skin, or to make moves that seemed overly sexy in her mind. She never stayed in the show room after her show was over. She always followed the rules. Who would have thought
she was having a secret affair with one of the clients? She always came back in time, she never left in the middle of the night. There wasn’t anything that could warn us about the tragedy coming. Then, some time later, I started seeing her with Val a lot. They went out together, they trained together, they even had matching costumes for their shows, even though Val always demands the unique ones, different from everyone else’s.”
“Has Drew ever tried to track them? I mean, didn’t it seem suspicious that they went out together that frequently?”
“Back then, we didn’t know what was actually going on. We had never dealt with anything like that before. The rules of staying and working here were not as strict as they are now. We still don’t know if there have ever been any other of our girls seeing the clients outside the club. Before the new rules were set, dancing and training was all we cared about. Anyway, why are you wondering about Isabel again?”
I was not going to report Tess, or anything, I just wanted to know what she was hiding, because I was one hundred percent sure she was hiding something from everyone, including Kate and Drew.
“You know, Val and I used to be best friends. And now, that we are here… I can see we will never be close like that again. It’s not easy to believe it, after everything she and I have been through together. So I’m just trying to understand why she has changed as much as she has.”
Kate smiled, patting my hand. “You are a good girl, Louise. Don’t put yourself in that mess, you will never be able to get out of it. It’s better to concentrate on your own life, your own dreams. Move on and forget about your past. There will never be a way to get it back.”
“I know. It’s just… I think I need more time to get used to my new life.”
“Speaking of which… I have checked your schedule for the next week, and you know what I have found out?”
“What?” My heart skipped a beat at the thought of Mr. Secret’s visit. I knew Kate would be the first to find out about it.