Seeing Black

by Sidney Halston

  “Yes, I do recognize that man.” Paul cleared his throat, slightly unhinged by Jill’s abruptness.

  “And his name?”

  “William Robins.”

  “And how do you recognize him?”

  “He was my boyfriend.”

  “Your boyfriend? Really?”

  “Yes.” His eyebrows furrowed. She knew he was wondering where she was going with this line of questioning. Actually, she was wondering too.

  “Mr., I mean, Ms. Black, what exactly is your definition of girlfr—I mean, boyfriend.”

  “I’m sorry, what?”

  “You heard me. What is your definition of boyfriend?” She said it very slowly and very deliberately. She stood by the podium with both hands holding on, white knuckled.

  “Objection, Judge. Where is this line of questions going?” Jeffery interrupted.

  “Overruled. Please continue, Ms. Stone.” Alexander looked amused, although slightly confused.

  “Thank you, Judge. Please answer the question, Ms. Black.”

  “Well, I think everyone would define—”

  “I’m not asking about everyone Paul . . . ina. I am asking you. What is your definition of boyfriend?” Jill walked around the podium and stood with her arms crossed right in front of the witness stand, her black pumps tapping the floor. Up and down. Up and down.

  Paul cleared his throat. “My definition of a girlfriend, excuse me, boyfriend, is someone you spend time with, someone you get to know. You have dinner, go on dates, and meet the friends and family. Usually, it’s exclusive. Eventually, you fall in love or break up.”

  “Someone you have sex with?” Jill added, curtly.

  “Objection, leading the witness.”

  Jill looked at Alexander, Judge Alexander, with daggers shooting out of her eyes. He looked utterly lost. “Um, can you please rephrase the question, Ms. Stone.”

  “Of course, Your Honor. Ms. Black, please explain how sex plays a role in your relationship with your boyfriends.”

  “Well, boyfriends and girlfriends have sex. There’s nothing unusual about—”

  “I’m not asking whether it is unusual or not. Please answer only the questions that I ask.”

  “Okay.” A small sheen was starting to form on Paul’s forehead, and his hands were now fidgeting with a pen he had in his hand.

  “So since you have just stated that couples in relationships have sex, please explain your sexual relationship with the defendant.”

  “On occasion, we had sex.”

  “Was it consensual?”

  “Yes.”

  “Now, can you please define love for us, Ms. Black?”

  “Love?”

  “I’m sorry, are you having trouble hearing today?”

  “No, Ms. Stone, that’s just a hard question to answer.”

  “Well, please indulge us with your answer.” At this point the questions and answers were flowing so quickly back and forth that no one in the courtroom, including opposing counsel said anything. Everyone was looking at them like a tennis match, turning their heads from Jill to Paul, back and forth.

  “Love is when you can’t live without a person. They make you feel whole. You want them around all the time. You trust them implicitly and—”

  “I’m sorry. Did you say, ‘Trust them implicitly?’”

  “Yes, I did.”

  “Interesting.” Jill was now closer to the witness stand. The palms of her hands rested on the front of the stand, and she was leaning towards Paul.

  “Should I continue?” Paul asked. He seemed unnerved.

  “Yes, please, continue. You left off spewing something about trust. Go ahead.”

  He cleared his throat. “Yes, you trust a person completely when you’re in love. You don’t share when you’re in love with anyone.” Paul glanced at Alexander when he said that.

  “And are you in the habit of telling every woman, excuse me, every man whom you date that you love him.”

  The audience snickered.

  “No. Absolutely not. Just the special ones.”

  “And what would make a lucky man, a special one.” She lifted her fingers to quote special one.

  “Jillian, it’s just—”

  “Objection. Judge, please direct the witness to give me the courtesy of calling me Ms. Stone. This is a court room we’re in, after all.”

  “Ms. Black, when you are addressing the state attorney please refer to her as Ms. Stone or Counselor.”

  “Counselor, I apologize.” Paul was seething. “I wouldn’t know how to explain to you or to anyone else what I feel would be considered special. To be honest, it has only happened to me once.”

  “With the defendant?”

  “No, actually not with the defendant. I was not in love with the defendant. I was in love with . . . I’m sorry. Go ahead and ask your next question.”

  Jill was a little flustered. She saw the look in his eye and almost felt sad for him as if he meant to say he was in love with her. But how could that be possible after what she had read from his text to Brian/Ben? After all that happened between them? All that she knew about him? Jill glanced over at Alexander, who was beaming with what seemed like pride.

  “So what happened on the night in question between you and the defendant?”

  “We had just recently ended things, and—”

  “When did you end it?”

  “The week before.”

  “How? Oh, let me guess. You just disappeared, fell off the face of the earth.”

  “Objection.”

  “Sustained.” Jill realized that not even Alexander could get away with helping her with that one.

  “Excuse me, Ms. Black. I apologize. Please explain how you ended things.”

  “I called him and told him that we couldn’t see each other anymore.”

  “Why?”

  “I thought she was . . . Excuse me, he. I thought he was seeing another woman.”

  “So you ended things. How did he take it?”

  Paul looked down at his hands; he seemed forlorn. “Better than I thought he would. I guess he really loved this other person. I think he was actually using me.”

  “Using you!” She moved inches from his face.

  Alexander cleared his throat. His jaw clenched. “Ms. Stone, would you like to take a minute? We can have a short recess.”

  “No. No. I’m sorry.” She took a deep breath and took a few steps back. She composed herself and began speaking again. “Can you please explain what you mean by using you?”

  “I think he couldn’t decide whether he was in love with this other woman,” Paul glanced at Alexander, “ but I seemed to fit this perfect mold, so he started dating me with the intention of never really opening up completely to me. I can’t have that kind of relationship. I need all of my woman’s, excuse me, man’s love. All of it. I need him completely: body, mind, and soul. As I mentioned before, I do not share.” He glared at her.

  Jill shook her head side to side, frazzled. She walked behind the podium and held on. She was starting to feel a little lightheaded. “Okay, so you two broke up. What happened at the party?”

  “He went to the party, knowing I’d be there and that I was still in love with him and—”

  “I thought you said you weren’t in love with him.”

  “Oh, yeah, I meant I still cared about him. You know I still had feelings for him, and he went to the party with that other woman I suspected he loved. I was so angry and hurt that I left.”

  “You left?”

  “Yes, I walked out of the party, but he followed me.”

  “And then what happened?”

  “Then he pulled me to the side of the building, a dark alley, actually, and started pulling up my dress and touching me against my will.”

  “Against your will, really?”

  “Objection. Leading.”

  “Sustained. Please rephrase the question, Ms. Stone.”

  “Are you sure you didn’t seduce him into taking
you in a dark secluded alley?”

  “Seduce him? Please, Counselor. I’m just a helpless woman. I said no, but he continued.”

  “Helpless. Pfft!”

  “Jillian!” Alexander scolded.

  The class sighed. Paul’s eyes narrowed in on her. He stood up, slightly, both palms against the stand in front of him.

  “Yes, Ms. Stone. Helpless. You seem to have an issue. I don’t understand what you are getting at.”

  “Is this Professor Black speaking or are you still in character?” She stood with her hands crossed behind the podium.

  Paul sat back down. “Get to the point quickly, Jillian, but, yes, I’m back in character.”

  “The point is, Paul, I mean, Paulina, that you seduced him. You went to that party because you knew he’d be there. You wore a very revealing little dress, played with his emotions, knew he’d follow you outside, and then hiked up your skirt so he could have his way with you. You never loved him. You didn’t even have feelings for him. You just go through men like they’re old socks. The previous witness says she’s seen you with dozens of men, all of whom are very wealthy, just like the defendant.”

  “I did not use the defendant. He raped me. I said, ‘No.’ A woman can say ‘no,’ and the man has to respect that.”

  “Well, sometimes a woman can be so dazzled by the man—dark smoldering eyes, thick gorgeous black hair, possessive caveman tendencies—that she forgets to say ‘no’ when all the signs are pointing to ‘no’ like a big red neon billboard. The same thing can happen in reverse. Just because she doesn’t actually say ‘no’ doesn’t mean that it isn’t assault. And you, Ms. Black, are no damsel in distress. You led the defendant to believe that you loved him, and then you left him, high and dry, without any sort of explanation. You see him at a party, seduce him, claim him in front of all his friends, and then declare rape. In fact, I am dropping the charges of sexual assault against this defendant.” She pointed to the defendant, whose mouth was open, along with the rest of the students and faculty. “And I’m filing charges against you, Ms. Black, for sexual assault.”

  She swiped her papers from the podium. “Judge, the state is dropping the charges,” she said and walked out the door of courtroom, slamming the door behind her.

  Holy shit. What the hell was I thinking?

  Her chest heaved up and down. Alexander stormed out of the courtroom. “Oh my God, Jill. Are you fucking crazy?” He pulled her by the elbow to a quiet corner.

  “I don’t know. I can’t believe I did that. It just kind of came out. I think I got carried away.”

  “You think?” A small smile curved the corner of his lips.

  “Do you think they’ll kick me out of school?”

  “Nah. I think you just left everyone totally confused.”

  “I just . . . I don’t know. The more I spoke, the angrier I became. Do you think it was obvious?”

  He threw his head back and barked a laugh. “Babe, you almost climbed over the stand and wrung his neck.”

  “Oh my God. What was I thinking?” Her face was flushed. She started to walk away. “I think I’m going to be sick.”

  “Relax. It’s fine. Come here.” He held his arms open, and she walked to him. He held her, caressing her back. “Shhh, it’s fine. Just breathe.” Slowly, her pulse began to slow down.

  There was commotion coming from down the hall. Students were walking out, whispering, laughing, and talking. Paul stormed out behind them, frantically looking around. When his eyes locked on Jillian’s, he pointed to her. “My office, now!”

  “Fuck,” Jill mumbled. Only Alexander heard. He released her from the hug and walked slowly behind Paul, who took long and fast strides up the stairs and towards the administrative building. He glanced back and stopped. “Alone. Jillian. My office, now. Alone.”

  “Absolutely not. I’m not leaving her alone for one second with you.” Alexander came closer to Paul as they continued to walk, leaving Jill a few feet behind. When they arrived at his office, Paul opened the door, entered his office, and slammed the door shut. Alexander waited for Jill, grabbed her hand, and opened the door to Paul’s office. “I said alone,” Paul hissed, actually hissed.

  “It’s fine, Alexander. I’ll be fine.” Alexander looked at Paul intently. He seemed unsure as to whether to leave or not. “Go, Alexander. Just wait outside.”

  “If you touch her or hurt one hair on her head, I’ll kill you. You hear me?” Alexander inched closer to Black, who stood with his arms crossed, breathing in and out with such force that his nose flared and his chest rose and fell. She could see the artery in his neck pulsating.

  Paul took a step closer to Alexander. “I would never hurt her. Ever.”

  “You already did, asshole!” Alexander said.

  “Stop it, both of you. Alexander, just go. Paul, make it fast,” Jill said.

  Alexander was about to walk away but turned around and walked to Jill, cupped her cheeks, and kissed her. Kissed her hard. Possessively. A few seconds too long for what would be acceptable in public. Jill pushed him away. “Just go.”

  Paul cleared his throat. “I get it, Jacobs. I get it. You don’t have to defile her here on my account.” Paul’s fists were by his sides, opening and closing.

  “I’ll be right outside, love.” Alexander walked out, slamming the door.

  Paul pulled a chair out, took a small pile of papers off it, put them in another corner, and gestured for her to sit. Then he pulled a chair out for himself and sat down, his elbows on his knees and his head against his palms. He didn’t speak for a few moments. When he finally looked up, he rubbed his hands down his face. He looked angry, but more than that, he looked hurt.

  “Jill. What the hell was that about?” She didn’t respond. “You were the one who stopped calling me. You broke it off with me. You chose that guy over me, and now, what? What the fuck did you just accuse me of in front of my students, my colleagues? Rape? Assault?”

  “I know you’re not who you say you are, Paul, if that’s even your real name.”

  “Excuse me?”

  “You heard me. While I was on the island, I read your text to Brian or Ben or whatever the hell his name is. He slept with Heather to get to me or to see how much she or I knew about Rocco. Heather read your text to him. You told him you tried to sleep with me and told me you loved me to get me to open up about my father. You’re an asshole! I can’t believe I ever fell for you. I had real feelings for you, Paul. You were not who you said you were. You were just using me for information on my father.”

  He was quiet for a moment. “Fuck.” Then he stood up. “Fuck!” He seemed so torn over something. “What exactly do you know?” He was pacing around now.

  “I know that you used me. You toyed with my emotions. You told me you loved me. I believed you, and you lied to me. You broke my heart.”

  “Pfft! Hardly.” He pointed to the door to indicate Alexander.

  She stood up. “No. You don’t get to tell me anything about Alexander. I chose you over him. Over them, actually. I was actually falling in love with you. I was so heartbroken when you didn’t call. Thank God we never had sex. You used me. How could you? How could you do that to me? How many women have you done that to?”

  “Fuck!”

  “That’s all you have to say?” Jill asked.

  Paul paced around the office before speaking again. “Jill, sweetheart, sit down, please.”

  “Do not sweetheart me, Paul. You used me. I felt so disgusted with myself when I found out. So betrayed.”

  “It’s not what you think. You have to trust me, Jill. I swear to you that it’s not what you think.”

  “Are you even a professor?”

  “Of course I am.”

  “So what else? Tell me.”

  “I can’t tell you, Jill. I want to. Trust me. But I can’t.”

  “Why? Why can’t you?”

  Paul looked pained. Hesitantly, he said, “If I tell you, I’ll put you in danger. I cannot tell you,
Jillian!”

  “I’m so sick of everyone thinking I can’t handle things. I’m not a little girl. Just leave me the hell alone. You hurt me. A lot! I don’t trust you, and I don’t want to talk to you ever again. Leave me the hell alone.” She started to get up and walk out, but he grabbed her by the arm, causing her to swing around. He was mere inches from her body. His hands slowly moved up to her cheek, very tenderly.

  “Do you love him, Jill?”

  “Yes, I love him.” She didn’t pull back.

  “Could you have loved me?”

  “Maybe, but something was always off. Something just felt wrong.”

  “You’re so perceptive.” His knuckles softly traced her cheeks. “I can’t tell you everything, but I can tell you that my feelings for you were real. They were so very real. I’m not that good of an actor, Jillian. I just . . . There were things that got in the way. Things that I can’t explain to you, but—”

  “Things about my father?”

  “Shit! It’s not what you think.”

  “I don’t even know what to think. What are you? Who are you? What do you want with my father?”

  “Jill . . . I . . . He’s . . . You . . .” He shook his head side to side. “I can’t talk about it.”

  “Alright, well, I’ll tell him you’re looking for him when I see him tomorrow.”

  “Wait, what? You cannot see him, Jill. Have you been seeing him? I thought you said you didn’t know him, that he was dead.”

  “Well, I was wrong, and I’m not telling you anything else. I know you want to hurt him, and I will not be the cause of that.”

  He pulled her close to him, holding her by both shoulders, shaking her. “Jill, you cannot see him. Listen to me. You cannot see him. Oh my God. If I’d known you were in contact with him, I would have been around. I would have protected you.”

  “I don’t need protecting. He’s my father, and you, Black, are no one to me. You used me. It was all a lie.”

  His face contorted. “Fuck!” He ran his fingers through his hair. For the first time since meeting him, he looked out of control. Unsure. Scared, even.