by Alicia Rae
“She’s precious,” Audrey crooned.
“She is,” I responded, now observing Audrey and the way her face brightened while holding my second cousin.
Most men might have run when looking at his girlfriend cuddling a baby, except I wasn’t most men. I had never really pictured myself having kids before until today. The path I wanted my life to go suddenly became picture clear. Now, more than ever, I could envision a life with Audrey and a house filled with kids and laughter—a family.
All along I had been searching for a purpose, a direction, where my life would go from here. Today, surrounded by family, everything fell into perspective for me. I never wanted to leave any of them again. I was going to accept the job at Mountain Warfare Training Center and make my roots permanent.
~Audrey~
After leaving the hospital, I had Blake drop me off at my parents’ home. My mother was undergoing a new treatment plan the doctor had started this week, and I needed to keep a close eye on her. At the times I couldn’t be there, I had arranged a nurse to help out just so my mother wouldn’t be alone.
I tiptoed into her room, noticing that she was sleeping. I wanted to check to make sure she wasn’t running a fever. The doctor had informed me that a spike in her temperature would be detrimental for the upcoming six days.
I let out a relieved sigh once I felt her. It wasn’t the most accurate test. If she were warm, I would go forward from there. I could get a more precise reading when she awakened. She needed her rest. It was crucial.
I pivoted and began to head for the door.
My mom shuffled in her bed. “He’s going to break your heart, Audrey. They all do,” Mother began, freezing me in my tracks at the threshold of her room.
All the blood drained from my face, wondering how she could possibly say such a thing to her daughter. I turned to face her, fighting to stay levelheaded and keep my emotions in check.
She closed her eyes and reopened them, appearing grave. A piece of my heart broke off, aching for all the hard years my father had put her through.
“He’ll never love you the way you want him to,” she added.
I stared at my mother. I was at a loss for words. She knew how to go straight for the heart and cut deep and then twist and turn the knife. My resolve snapped like a weak twig.
I had nothing to say, except for one thing. “You mean the way you never loved me?” I asked, feeling braver than I ever had before in my life. “So, I guess, either way, I have nothing to lose. It’s something I’ve never had.”
There.
My truest, darkest feelings were out in the open. I finally said what I had yearned to say since I was a little girl, but I’d never dreamed of actually harboring the courage to say it.
“Nothing I ever did was good enough for you,” she retorted. “You always were a needy child.”
“That’s just it, Mother. All I wanted was your love.” I spun around on my heel, so she wouldn’t have the satisfaction of seeing the tears covering my cheeks. “Hell, I would have even been happy if you just liked me.”
“I taught you tough love, Audrey,” she snipped at my back. “I showed you just how cruel and nasty the world really is. It’s full of hate, not some sweet Disney movie with a happy ending. My lesson to you was a gift.”
I was pretty sure my jaw was touching the hardwood floors. She had stunned me before, but I had underestimated her powers.
“Yes,” I drawled, gathering my wits. “Thank you so much for embedding me with your cruel ways. How could I have ever thought my life might be any different?” I said so that she wouldn’t lecture me anymore. “I’ll have the nurse stay for a few extra hours. I’ll be back shortly after nightfall.”
Without a backward glance, I continued forward. Since the nurse was still here, I asked if she could stay a few extra hours, so I could get some air. If I remained in this house, I was bound to suffocate. Luckily, she agreed, needing the extra pay, and told me not to worry about what time I returned.
I thanked her profusely for her help. Then, I barreled for the doors as fast as my feet would carry me, leaving my cell phone behind so that I wouldn’t be interrupted from the peace I desperately craved.
I walked and walked and walked, maybe for hours. It was dark, except for the moon and stars illuminating the sky. I was still wearing my flip-flops, shorts, and tank top from earlier today. Putting one foot in front of the other, I headed out a few miles from the house and returned back, retracing my path. Then, I made a few loops around the nearest street blocks.
I still wasn’t ready to go home yet. My mother had gotten under my skin more than ever before, and I felt unable to deal with the way I let her affect me, my beliefs, and my character. The fact that I’d let her rattle me spiked my irritation.
I could not get to my happy place. It was as if it had up and run from me, and I was not fast enough to grasp on to it and bring myself back into the light.
On the next circle of my street, I was debating on calling it a night. Tomorrow was Gail’s and Abbey’s bachelorette parties, and I needed a good night’s sleep. But I couldn’t bring myself to turn up my driveway, so I kept going. A large shadow appeared in front of me, halting me in my tracks. I studied it as it neared.
“Audrey?”
The familiar voice made my breath catch in my throat. I wasn’t ready to face him yet. “Yes. What are you doing here, Blake?”
He closed the space between us, wrapped his arms around me, and appeared to be giving me a once-over. “Are you okay?” His tone was anxious and worried. “I tried to call you. It’s not like you not to answer your phone.”
“I’m fine,” I answered. There was no reason to burden him with my abnormal family troubles. “Just going for a walk without my cell, so I could enjoy the peace and quiet.”
“In the dark?” His hands came to my face, tipping it up to him. “That’s not very safe. You should have called me. I would have accompanied you.”
He was always so kind and caring while I had been born with evil genes happily gifted from my parents. “That’s not necessary, Blake. I needed some time to myself.”
“Okay, something is definitely wrong.”
I shifted on my feet.
“How about you come over to my place? We’ll pig out on some junk food, and you can tell me what has you nearly shaking.”
It wasn’t until he’d said it that I realized my nerves were so strung that I had a slight tremble pumping through me. The fact that my mother had gotten to me escalated my anger.
My mother’s earlier words taunted me.
He’s going to break your heart, Audrey. They all do.
He’ll never love you the way you want him to.
I pulled out of his hold, embarrassed that he was seeing me at my worst.
Tears filled my eyes, knowing what I had to do. Love didn’t exist, and if it hurt this much now, it would only deepen the longer I held on to him. I had to let him go before it destroyed me, the way it had with my parents.
“I can’t do this, Blake,” I said, acknowledging it was a weak reason. I was weak. But it was all I had to give. I must protect what was left of my heart before irreparable damage was done.
Blake’s hand lifted off my cheek, pausing midair. The silence was heavy and thick. Tension churned in the air between us, and it felt like lava was coursing through my veins, reaching my heart and tearing it to pieces.
It was hard to breathe. My lungs were starved, deprived, aching.
“Can’t do what?” His tone was only but a half-broken, raw whisper.
I swallowed, praying the right words would come, ones that could give him the explanation he deserved. Hearing the hurt in his voice was unbelievably painful, knowing I was the one causing it. But I had to concentrate on my end goal, protecting my heart…and his.
“Can’t what, Audrey?” His voice was an octave higher and laced with a bit of anger.
“I can’t be with you.” I stared off at the houses along the opposing side of the
street, unable to look him in the eye. I was jealous of the streetlamp reflecting light, wanting to have that very same light burning brightly inside of me. I searched and searched my soul, but I couldn’t find it. “I’m not built for love,” I added in truthfulness.
He stepped forward and pulled me tightly against his body. The warmth of him wrapped around me, holding me, couldn’t even bring me to my senses. In that moment, a part of me truly hated my mother and what she had created.
“You have so much love to give, Audrey.” He leaned down and touched my forehead with his. “I see it each time I’m with you. You dedicate your Saturdays to reading to kids at the library. You take great care of your mother in her profound time of need, and you give your love to your friends and family without hesitation each and every day. You do know how to love. Please believe me.”
My heart twisted with agony, wanting to believe it could be so easy, yet the next time my mother got to me, I’d be right back to square one. It wasn’t fair to give Blake a lifetime of a roller-coaster attempt at love. He would eventually doubt me and become unhappy. He deserved more.
I shook my head, absorbing the feel and smell of him one last time. When I drew away, he released my waist but caught my hand as though he were making one last attempt to change my mind.
“You’ll always be in my heart, but you do deserve more, Blake.” I took a backward step, yearning for the security of my roots to make the aches and pains go away. As our hands parted, I bit my lip to keep from crying out, and I managed to say, “Good-bye, Blake.”
The outline of his head shook from side to side. “I’ll give you some time if that’s what you need”—his hands curled into fists at his side—“but this isn’t good-bye, Audrey. I won’t let you go without a fight.”
The notion of him willing to fight for me to show love had me crumbling. I had to get out of here before I found myself running back into his familiar arms. I spun on my heels, sped toward my house, and went inside without looking at him.
I kicked my flip-flops off once I closed the front door behind me, not caring when they banged into the wall. With blurry eyes, I flew into my room and sank into my mattress, letting the tears flow, overwhelmed that one person could make me feel so much.
I had broken my rule of never falling in love, and now, I was paying the ultimate price—unthinkable heartache.
~Audrey~
“Seriously, girls, you can go to the bar for your bachelorette parties. I promise you all, I won’t be the slightest bit mad. I completely understand,” Lily said, snuggling her week-old newborn on the large L-shaped cream leather sectional in her living room.
We had color-coordinated for our night in, so we were all wearing pink-and-white Victoria’s Secret PJs. We agreed we wouldn’t dream of leaving Lily behind for the celebration, so we bombarded her.
Gail scrunched her nose up at Lily. “And leave you with sweet Miss Natalie Ann by your lonesome, so you can cuddle her all to yourself?” she asked good-naturedly as if it were the most ridiculous idea. “Not a chance, lady.”
“Yeah,” Abbey chimed in agreement. She scooted closer while waving her hands at Lily. “You’re hogging my niece. I need to get my snuggles in before she wants to nurse again.”
Lily smiled at Abbey affectionately as she gently passed Natalie Ann to her. I was mesmerized by the sight of Abbey cradling the newborn into her chest and cooing down at her with such loving, tender eyes.
“Hey!” Gail scoffed at Abbey. “You stole my turn!”
“You snooze, you lose.” Abbey smirked back. Then, she returned her attention to Natalie Ann. “Gosh, you guys make cute babies. I can’t wait to get to the baby-makin’ days,” she added with a purr, causing three pairs of eyes to stare wide at her.
“You guys are going to start a family?” I scooted closer, so I could see the baby.
My heart skipped an uneven beat at seeing Natalie Ann’s eyes. They were open and blinking rapidly as she peeked up at Abbey.
“Oh, yes.” Abbey’s eyes were blinding me with the light radiating from them. “As soon as that man says ‘I do,’ he’s officially going to start giving me babies.” She leaned forward and nuzzled Natalie Ann’s nose. “Lots and lots of babies.”
“I didn’t know you two were broadening the family right away. I bet Pearl is so excited to be a big sister!” Gail’s brows rose in surprise. “Wait! When did this all happen? And why am I just now finding this out?”
“Oh, boy…here we go again.” Lily chortled, making me recall how Abbey hadn’t instantly told Gail of her wedding date.
Abbey rolled her eyes. “Gail, we just officially decided this past week.” She glanced down at the tiny one in her arms. “This little cutie started my biological clock.”
Lily gazed over at Gail with sparkling eyes and teased, “Uh-oh, you’d better not hold Natalie Ann again today unless you want to catch baby fever.”
“No baby fever yet for this girl,” Gail said, holding her hands up in front of her while laughing. Then, as if coming to her senses, she let out a dreamy sigh. “Damon and I talked about starting a family next year. Now that Caroline’s school is taken care of at E2 Excellence, he and I can start saving and building a nest.”
I looked at Gail with warm eyes, remembering how hard she had been working to help pay for her sister’s school so that she could get the best education and services for her autism. As I ran over the memories of the way she helped her parents and sister and what Damon had done for Gail and Caroline, a longing to have what my friends all did flowed through my mind. It was the way a family was supposed to be—full of unconditional love and a support system.
My chest ached with an excruciating burn, yearning to have such a family. But I had been gifted a different destiny.
“That’s right!” Abbey piped in, pulling me out of my dark thoughts. “How is Caroline doing at her new school?”
“She’s doing wonderful,” Gail gushed, beaming brightly. “Caroline has already made so many new friends, and she’s had two sleepovers. Plus, her new teachers are exceptional. My parents and I are over the moon for her.”
“Aw, that’s wonderful, Gail. I’m so happy for Caroline. She’s such a sweet girl,” Abbey responded.
“She is,” Gail agreed. Then, she rose to her feet and came over to Abbey. “Now, give me that baby. You’ve had her long enough!” she added teasingly.
Abbey placed Natalie Ann in Gail’s arms, and Gail went back to her spot on the couch.
Lily shifted in her piles of blankets and turned to Abbey. “So, what does Pearl think of being a big sister soon?”
“She’s ecstatic,” Abbey purred with delight. “Pearl informed Jason and me that she wants a sister.”
“That will be so neat! They can play dress-up and dolls together,” I agreed.
Abbey tipped her head at me, smiling. “And she also told us she insists on two brothers, too. That way, they can have girls against boys in the house.”
“Whoa,” I stammered, chuckling. “That part sounds scary.”
“That’s what I said.” Abbey laughed. “Jason and I will be totally outnumbered!”
“But didn’t you just say you want lots and lots of babies?” Gail drawled while swaddling Natalie Ann in her arms.
“I did,” Abbey sighed affectionately. “It’s just scary to think about it being a reality, yet it’s also like a dream. I’ve always wanted a family.”
“Good-bye, V8 sports car!” Lily whooped teasingly. “Hello, minivan, here we come!”
“Nuh-uh!” Abbey retorted jokingly as she tossed a brown throw pillow at Lily.
“Minivan to the rescue,” Gail whispered loudly as if not wanting to startle the baby.
Lily tilted her head and waved her hand at me. “Yo, you’re supposed to back us up!”
I pumped my hand in the air, laughing uncontrollably. “Minivan, it is!”
Abbey fell back on the couch, giggling hysterically. “We’re going to need a bigger garage.”
A
fter putting Natalie Ann to sleep, Lily came out of the nursery. She walked into the kitchen and returned with two bottles of wine and four glasses.
“I thought you couldn’t drink?” Abbey was the first to ask.
“I can’t have a lot, but a little glass won’t hurt.” Lily grinned, sitting down on the couch. “Since Natalie Ann only eats a little with her early age, I already have some pumped and stored in bottles.”
“Pumped?” Gail asked. The expression on her face made us all laugh, so she rolled her eyes. “I know what it means. Now that we all foresee children in our futures, the word sounds…scary.”
“Pumping isn’t so bad, but it takes a bit to figure out all the hoses and attachments that come in the box!” Lily giggled, setting the glasses on the coffee table in front of us. She started filling our drinks and passing them out as she continued, “Figuring out a time schedule is the trickiest. But Natalie Ann has been a breeze. She eats and sleeps so well already for a newborn. That’s actually the only reason I was able to talk Kyle into going out with the guys tonight. He felt bad for leaving me so soon.”
“Aw, he didn’t want to go?” Abbey asked.
“He did want to hang with the guys, but he also didn’t want to leave us.” Lily shook her head. “I’m not sure if that made any sense or not, but I swear, it’s true both ways.”
“It makes sense,” I replied, taking the glass Lily outstretched to me. “Family life and fun time should come with a balance.” I didn’t have any experience on the subject, but it seemed right.
Over the next couple of hours, the wine was flowing, except for Lily, who had taken maybe half a sip.
“Exactly.” Lily gave me a friendly smile. “But I told him we are all family here, so he should go spend QT with the guys, and I could visit with the girls. Plus, a few hours away from him only makes the heart grow fonder.” She winked.
Gail took a long sip of her wine and then leaned back against the fluffy large pillows at her back. “As long as it’s not too many hours”—she put her feet on the tip of the coffee table and showed off her pink socks—“or I’ll be passed out on your couch!”