by A B Turner
“Are you OK?” he asked, perhaps slightly concerned by the sheer force of the experience and the effect it may have had on me.
“I’m fine,” I replied weakly, satisfied, he flopped on to his back,
“That was good, very good,” he said, as if speaking to himself rather than me.
I said nothing, I was still trying to get my head around the fact, yet again, I had completely lost control with this man, which was a sensation, I just wasn’t used to at all. It had been incredible, but frightening too, I needed to somehow make sense of what had just happened which could only happen when I was alone. I glanced across at him, his eyes were closed and I knew if I left this much longer, he would be completely asleep, so I sat up quickly. As I had hoped, my sudden movement caused him to stir , I felt his hand circle my naked waist, in an attempt to pull me back, but when I resisted, the hand dropped lifelessly on to my lap. I knew I had to say something, so without turning round, I started talking about needing to be up early for work, so it wasn’t really a good idea for him to stay the night. I heard him sigh heavily,
“That’s a shame, but, I do have work tomorrow as well, so you’re probably right.”
I quickly leapt up and almost wrenched my bathrobe off the wardrobe door, I suddenly felt very exposed and I didn’t like it. Jay was obviously confused but made no attempt to persuade me to change his mind, once dressed, I walked him to the front door, before he left, he kissed me softly on the cheek,
“I hope I will hear from you soon,” he said quietly.
“Of course,” I answered, I saw him grimace slightly as he obviously heard the slight doubt in my tone , he turned and left me standing at the open door. I wandered back into the bedroom, it reeked of sex, the floor covered with sheets and my discarded clothes, as I started to tidy up, I found the shredded pieces of my panties scattered across the carpet. I slumped on to the bed and stared blankly at the torn fragments, lying in my hands, looking like the evidence of some animal attack. What had happened? My mind seemed to be completely caught in a swirling mass of confused and contradictory thoughts, I slumped back on to the bed. What was wrong with me ? After all those years of desperately wanting to feel something, now here I was, capable of almost tearing the very skin off a man, and I felt horribly uneasy and I had no idea why.
“Let’s face it, you’re just messed up!” I cried aloud into the darkness of the empty room, wearily I stood up and started to re-make the bed, as I was so lost in thought, at first, I almost didn’t notice the tiny spots of blood on one of the sheets, but when a slightly larger one appeared, it demanded attention. I quickly examined my body to see if I could find the source, when there was nothing obvious, I turned to check out my reflection in the full length mirror and there they were, a whole series of scratches criss-crossing my shoulders. I switched on the main lamp to get a better look, as the room was flooded with light, I gasped when I saw some of my fingers had tiny specks of blood on them around the fingernails, I must have torn at Jay with as much force as he had me. I switched the light off , deeply uncomfortable with the stark reality of what had happened, but still having no definite idea what it was I found so difficult.
After making the bed with fresh sheets, I showered and gratefully slipped into the cool freshness of my welcoming bed, despite my inner turmoil, there was always something unbelievably comforting about lying in bed, in the dark. As I lay there, I decided I would have to get help from somewhere, perhaps if I talked about the whole thing, I could make some sense of it all.
“I’ll call Kat in the morning,” I said to myself, before I remembered seeing her in the restaurant earlier with Karl, suddenly my own issues seemed to fade, what was she doing there with him? What about Matt? As I had seen her, perhaps she had seen me, maybe she was waiting for me to call or she was sitting up, trying to decide whether or not to phone me.
As I my mind jumped from one half- thought to the next, interrupted by questions, I pulled the covers over my head, vainly hoping this futile act could hide me from all the confusion and let me sleep.
Chapter 3
After a restless couple of hours, I finally gave up at around 4.00 a.m., as every time I had closed my eyes, I kept seeing Jay and I clawing at each other like rabid dogs, which quickly somehow morphed into Kat and Karl. As I lay in the dark, I couldn't think of why Kat would be in a romantic restaurant, with another man. I didn't want to think she was cheating on Matt, but finding some some other plausible explanation was near impossible. The way she had looked at Karl, the way they had held hands across the table, there was clearly something between them, it wasn't just an opinion, it was fact . So now, the problem was, I had no idea what to do. If I said nothing and Matt found out, I knew I could never look him in the eye and plead ignorance, equally, if I spoke to her, it would, undoubtedly, end in a row and I could lose my closest friend – right before her wedding, always assuming there would still be one. After allowing these equally-difficult options to circle my mind , I finally resolved to see if Kat said anything to me first, after all, she may have seen me at the restaurant and would want to explain.
But for all my concern for my friends, I knew, I was using them to stop me from having to think about myself. It seemed frighteningly ironic, I had spent so many lifeless years, feeling nothing when it came to sex,now, here I was, completely unable to deal with the fact, everything had an almost mind-blowing intensity which I clearly couldn’t handle it at all.
As if ,for years, all my emotions had been piling up behind some kind of dam and now that wall had burst and every feeling was now streaming through. The simple truth was, I was scared, for me, unchecked violent emotions, equalled my ex-husband. Although this wasn't the same, I knew I needed to talk to someone, maybe even someone professional, who could perhaps help me try and gain some insight . Having reached this conclusion, I suddenly felt exhausted and although I was starting to hear the sound of the world waking up outside, I pulled the covers over my head and drifted off to sleep, grateful I was not due to be at work until after lunch.
During my break in the afternoon, I called the doctors’ surgery, fortunately the receptionist asked no awkward questions, instead she just gave me the number of a confidential counselling service. Without hesitation, I called straightaway to make an appointment, as I had a nagging suspicion at the very back of my mind, if I didn’t act immediately, there was a risk I would somehow convince myself I was fine and not bother. As luck would have it, there had been a cancellation and I was given a time for the following week which I instantly accepted, again to stop any possibility of my backing out.
When I ended the call, I glanced at my phone to see several text messages from Kat, hesitantly, I read each one, hoping there would be some mention of either seeing me at the restaurant or explaining why she had gone out with Karl. But as I scrolled down, they were all light-hearted, joking about my night out with Jay and asking for, as she put it, ’all the gory details.’ As I returned to my desk, my heart sank, she had no idea I had seen her with Karl. Not knowing quite what to reply, I tucked my phone back into my handbag, hoping inspiration might suddenly hit me, during what promised to be a dull afternoon.
Later that evening, when I was back home, I was still no nearer knowing what to do when there was a knock at the door, at first, as I was dressed in little more than my bathrobe, I considered ignoring the unexpected caller, but after another more persistent knock, I felt as if I was left with little choice. When I opened the door, Kat was standing there, holding a bottle of wine, on seeing me she raised her free hand in the air in triumph,
“She lives ! What a relief, when you didn’t answer any of my texts I started to worry, but here you are, alive and well.”
I was so taken aback by seeing her, I barely moved, Kat dropped her hand, her broad smile turning almost immediately into a look of genuine concern,
“Are you alright, my honey?”
“ Me? Yes..yes, I’m fine, I just wasn’t expecting you,” I stammered.
&
nbsp; “Are you going to invite me in?” Kat asked, clearly amused by my bewilderment, “Or should I camp out here in the hall?”
“No come in, of course, come in,” I said, as welcomingly as I could manage, considering at the time, my mind was racing as to what was going to happen. Kat passed me, looking slightly quizzical, she tossed her coat on to the rack before slumping on the sofa, I followed her into the living-room. I was about to sit down next to her, when she looked up at me,
“Carrie,my love, we might need some glasses and a bottle opener,” she grinned , pointing at the wine she had placed on the coffee table.
“Oh right, yes, of course,” I mumbled, quickly heading for the kitchen.
“What’s up with you this evening?” she called, “Did your date with that Jay not go as well as you’d hoped ?”
“No it was fine,” I called back, “I’m just a bit tired, I think.”
I returned to the living-room, opened the wine and gulped down my first glass almost in one mouthful, Kat looked on, clearly bemused,
“Steady on, Carrie, you’ll be on the floor if you keep that up.”
Realising what I had done, I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand and made a lame joke about my need for alcohol, Kat smiled, but I could tell be her face, she knew there was something wrong, we had known each other for too long and too well, for either of us to be able to hide much from the other. Desperate to try and collect my thoughts, I asked about the wedding plans and listened as she chatted and joked about all the arrangements, the longer she spoke, the more impossible it seemed, she was cheating on Matt. She praised him for his boundless patience when dealing with the in-laws, his generosity with the budget and his obvious desire to make the day perfect for her. When she paused to drink, before I had a chance to stop myself, I asked why she had gone to the restaurant with Karl, the unplanned, stark nature of my question took me by surprise, but Kat seemed temporarily unfazed,
“What do you mean?” she asked calmly.
“I was there,Kat , I saw you,” I answered quietly, now completely unable to look at her directly, I heard her sigh,
“Oh,well, that will teach me to think I can ever get away with anything.”
On hearing her almost dismissive words, my unease turned to irritation and I glared back at her,
“That’s all you can say?” I gasped incredulously.
“What do you want me to say, Carrie? ” Kat asked, still unbelievably calm.
“ Kat, you were out with another guy when you’re supposed to be in love with Matt, you remember him?The man you’re supposed to be marrying in a couple of months,” I shot back, totally unable to even begin to comprehend why she didn’t seem more bothered. Kat sighed again, leant forward and took my hands in her own, for a moment, we sat in awkward silence, despite my growing anger, I could see she was trying to assemble her thoughts and so managed to keep my temper in check.
“Carrie,for a start, the thing with Karl is nothing,OK?” she began, looking at me, obviously hoping to see some understanding, when I said nothing, she continued,
“I love Matt, I really do, but, I don’t know, just the idea I will never be with anyone else once we’re married, kind of threw me, as Karl and I had a good time a while back, it just seemed the ideal way to get it out of my system, a bit of harmless fun...”
“I doubt whether Matt would see it that way,” I answered flatly, Kat shook her head and agreed I was probably right.
“But no harm’s been done, no-one’s got hurt and, if you forget you saw anything, everything will be fine,” she continued, despite my anger, I couldn’t fail to notice the slight pleading tone in her voice, I knew she wanted me to understand but I also knew if I agreed to stay silent, a day may come when I would be forced to lie to Matt. When I voiced this concern, Kat rolled her eyes,
“For fuck’s sake, Carrie, don’t you think it’s a bit late in the day to start becoming all moral? Don’t forget, this is me you’re talking too, and for the record, you haven’t been exactly a saint yourself.”
Once more, I could feel my temporary attempt at empathy be quickly replaced with anger,
“I’m not the one who’s getting married!” I snapped back,
"Although I suppose that might not happen, after all, you may well feel the need to screw someone else and forget to turn up.”
Kat slammed her glass angrily down on the table and glared back at me, her brown eyes now flashing with rage,
“OK, that’s enough, I get you’re not happy with this..”
“Not happy !” I screeched back.
“But I’ve explained how I’ve been feeling and I would hope, as my friend, you would ,at least, try and understand.”
I leapt up from the sofa with such force, everything on the table shook,
“Oh I understand just perfectly, having a great man like Matt love you, would be more than enough for most people, but not you, eh Kat?You have to run around behind his back with some barman, and why?Because you can’t stand the thought of only being able to screw one man at a time !”
I stood facing her, my whole body seemed to be shaking with rage, whereas she still seemed to be remarkably calm in the face of the storm I was unleashing on her. For a moment, she looked at me, before slowly picking up her bag and standing up to face me,
“You are my dearest friend, and because of that fact, I’m going to leave now, before either of us says anything that cannot be taken back,” she paused, I was about to speak, when she raised her hand, indicating she was not finished,
“Now, it is up to you whether you tell Matt, but I would remind you, the only thing that will achieve is hurting him, which I know, you would never want to do, so think carefully, Carrie , that’s all I ask.”
She turned away and started to walk slowly to the door, however angry I felt, I knew I couldn’t let her leave this way,
“I won’t say anything, I can’t say I understand, but I promise you, he will never hear it from me,” I said quietly but firmly. Kat stopped and turned back to look at me,
“Thank you,” she said gratefully, we stood in silence for a moment, as if neither one of us knew quite what to say next, finally, Kat moved towards the door, pausing only to take her coat from the rack. I was still slightly bewildered, but I followed her to the door anyway, as I was completely unable to escape the fact she was my best friend, whatever she had done. As she reached for the handle, I took her hand,
“I’m sorry for what I said before, I was angry,” I said sadly, Kat leant forward and lightly kissed my cheek,
“Let’s forget it, shall we? It’s over now.”
“Is it over with Karl too?” I asked, she nodded,
“Yes, it is.”
We hugged tightly and I watched her leave, hoping, with all my heart, she was telling the truth, but, as I closed the door, I was far from sure. As I sat alone in the living-room, I tried to make sense of what she had said, but it quickly became clear, my judgement was clouded by the fact I was very fond of Matt and did not want to see him get hurt. My thoughts were interrupted by the phone ringing,
“Hello.”
“Hi Mum, it’s me, your long-lost daughter.”
Just hearing Lainie’s voice suddenly made every other thought vanish into the air and I listened intently as she chattered on about her course, the girls she shared her place with and how much she loved Rome. As she spoke, I felt strangely relieved, when she had left, I had been worried she would rapidly turn into a ‘woman of the world’ who bore little or no resemblance to my little girl, however, just hearing her gush enthusiastically about her new life, left that particular concern redundant.
“Anyway, how are things with you?” she asked.
“Oh, fine, nothing very exciting, except Kat's wedding, or as she likes to describe it, D-Day in a posh frock !” I replied, Lainie laughed,
“That sounds like her!” I heard her pause, which I knew from experience meant there was something else to say, after a few moments of hesitation, I decided t
o take charge,
“What is it Lainie? What do you want to ask?”
I heard her sigh,
“God, Mum, how do you do that? Even over the phone, there’s no hiding from you.”
“It’s the extra sense you get when you become a parent, never fails...anyway, stop stalling, what do you want to ask?” I persisted.
“I was just wondering if I could bring someone with me to the wedding,” she began cautiously, “If that would be alright.”
My mind raced, she must have met met someone special in Italy? Not that she hadn’t had boyfriends, but they had always been more friends than anything else, but whoever this was, well, it was obvious, they were something more.
“I can’t see a problem....can I ask who this is? One of the girls you share with maybe?” I tried to make my enquiry sound innocent, but Lainie knew me too well,
“Oh come off it, Mum, you know I’m talking about a guy!” she retorted.
“I just didn’t want to jump to any conclusions,” I replied defensively, Lainie laughed and started telling me about Damon, she had met him at college, he was American, but like her, was on a years’ placement.
“He’s funny and smart, with gorgeous eyes, you know, like they’re so deep, green ,like the ocean.....it’s like you could swim in them,” her voice trailed off as she got temporarily lost in the memory, before adding, “..and his smile, well, it’s just amazing...”
I waited for a moment to see if she was going to say anything else, but it quickly became clear, she had completely drifted off,