by A B Turner
“Hello ...earth to Lainie, are you there, Lainie?” I joked.
“What ?” she gasped, “Oh Mum, sorry about that, I was just thinking....”
“About swimming in his eyes?” I teased, she laughed, I could imagine her face blush with embarrassment and it made me smile, “Go on, tell me more.”
I settled back and listened as she told me about the various trips they had taken both in Rome and the surrounding area, as she spoke, I suddenly realised she was mentioning staying at small hotels with Damon, which meant, my little girl was undoubtedly having a sexual relationship with this guy. When this reality hit, I gasped, causing Lainie to pause and check I was alright, when I assured her I was fine, she carried on speaking. I had obviously known she was old enough, but there’s just something about being forced to face the fact your child is sexually active, which is quite difficult to digest – however, liberal you might like to think you are. I suddenly felt a rush of parental responsibility, when she paused, it made itself known,
“You are being careful, aren’t you? With Damon, I mean,” I asked.
“Oh God, Mum,” she laughed, “I’ve been on the pill forever and, of course, we use condoms...”
She sounded so matter-of-fact, compared to my discomfort, she sounded more like the adult than I, in an attempt to restore the balance, I added I had just wanted to make sure she was alright.
“You’ve got nothing to worry about, you told me everything I needed to know years ago,” she reassured me, again, sounding more like a parent than me, before beginning another anecdote about a particularly beautiful place they had visited. Finally, after almost an hour, we said our goodbyes, with my assuring her Kat and Matt would be more than happy to accommodate Damon. As always, we finished the conversation with how much we loved each other and then she was gone, leaving me to head off to bed, feeling incredibly thankful, we had such a good relationship.
Chapter 4
While at work the next day,during my break, I text Kat about Lainie and asked if it would be alright if Damon came to the wedding, her message came back almost instantly, at first saying any gorgeous guy was more than welcome, before adding a sincere hope we were still friends. I responded with an emphatic ‘yes’, after all, perhaps, she had just wanted to get something out of her system, before settling down with Matt, so maybe she had been right about no real harm having been done. Her reply explained how relieved she was and thanked me for my understanding, before signing off, as I sat in the canteen, for a moment, I wondered whether what I had sent her was how I really felt, but quickly decided to agonise over the issue any more, was pointless, she was not going to see Karl again, so I should just forget the whole thing. I had just reached this conclusion, when I heard a tannoy announcement, asking me to go to the warehouse immediately, I glanced up at the clock, despite the fact there were still ten minutes to go before my break ended, I knew I had to go, as it only resulted in trouble if you dared to ignore the request.
As I entered the cavernous warehouse, it seemed deserted, I looked around for the reason I had been called, but there was nothing obviously needing my attention. I turned to leave, when I felt a strong hand grip my arm, I spun round, to see Phil glaring at me, before I had a chance to protest, he pulled me through the door at the back and into the darkness, without releasing his hold, he bundled me up the damp stairs until we were at the top. He pushed me against the wall, the harsh glint in his dark eyes seeming to be the only real source of light, at one time, I might have felt uneasy almost threatened by him, but a strange sense of calm seemed to wash over me,
“What’s this about, Phil?” I asked, making no effort to move away from him.
“I’m fucking sick of how you speak to me,” he growled, “All that crap about how much you hated having sex with me, it’s fucking unfair.”
Despite his angry tone, there was something in his eyes which suggested he had been hurt by some of my comments, but, I quickly reminded myself how he had spoken to me,
“You haven’t been that nice to me in front of your mates,” I replied firmly, he looked away from me for a moment, before glaring back,
“You fucking deserve it, you wanted me before and you can’t deny it !”
“You know, Phil, you’re right, I did want you,” I answered, the blunt honesty of this admission seemed to temporarily confuse him, as I felt his hand drop from my arm, “But it never felt right, I never really felt anything.” Almost as these words came out of my mouth, I wanted to cram them back in, however truthful they were, I knew I had now gone too far, been too honest.
“You’re a fucking liar!” he snapped angrily, he pushed me down on to the stairs and clambered over me until his whole body was covering mine, “I’ll make you feel something, you bitch!” he hissed in my ear. Despite everything , I still felt surprisingly peaceful, even when I felt his hand struggle down between us to reach his fly, I just reached up to touch his face, forcing him to look at me,
“Is this really what you want? To rape me?" I asked, on hearing the word ‘rape’, Phil sighed heavily, he shook his head and rolled off me, I pulled myself up and sat on the top step next to him.
“What’s this about Phil? You’ve got a wife at home,why do this?” I began quietly, he stared gloomily down at his feet, neither of us spoke for several minutes, until I heard him sigh,
“She’s like you, Carrie, she doesn’t want me anywhere near her, if we do fuck, she just lies there and pulls away as soon as I’m finished.”
There was something about his genuinely-confused tone, which made me want to try and help, despite the fact only a matter of moments earlier, this same man had threatened me,
“Perhaps you just need to try and see things from her point of view, women are wired differently to men,” he looked up at me, seemingly willing me to continue, “You can’t just take someone when you feel like it, Phil, their feelings matter as much as yours.”
“So what should I do?” he asked, his eyes eagerly searching my face for some answers, which I wasn’t entirely sure I had, but I knew I should try,
“Well, you could try talking to her, and when she speaks, really listen, don’t just nod while you’re hoping she’ll shut up so you can have sex.”
A slight smile crossed his lips as he obviously realised this was something he had done frequently, but his eyebrows quickly furrowed again,
“I don’t know about all this touchy-feely shit, what’s wrong with just having a good fuck?”
“Nothing, if that’s what both people want, “ I replied, purposefully stressing the word ‘both’, “but I’m not sure I’m not sure you ever stop and think about that sometimes.”
Phil nodded sadly,
“Maybe.”
As we sat in silence, I glanced down at my uniform, the top button had gone, it must have come off when Phil had pushed me down, when he saw me start to look for it in the darkness, he apologised and began to search. Finally, he found it and passed it to me, adding a remorseful apology for his earlier behaviour,
“While we’re apologising, I should add my own,” I began, Phil looked vaguely surprised by this admission, “ I shouldn’t have been such a bitch,” adding, “Even if you did deserve it at times.”
Phil smiled,
“Fair enough, it’s just when I’m with the boys, well, you know...” he looked at me, hoping to find some understanding, I nodded and he smiled back at me.
Suddenly there was a crash from outside the door which startled us both,
“We’d better get out of here,” Phil whispered, he started down the stairs and glanced back, “You coming?”
I tucked the stray button into my pocket and tiptoed down behind him, he paused, pressing his ear against the door, before turning back to me,
“It’s that dick, Derek, I’ll go first, keep him talking, so you can go, OK?” he asked urgently, as I nodded in agreement, I saw in his face an expression of genuine concern which I could not remember ever having seen before. When he was sure I was ready, he carefully
opened the door and sneaked out, leaving me in darkness, after a few moments, I heard him yell,
“Oi, my stuff come in yet?”
There was a muffled response from the manager,
“Well, don’t just fucking sit there, let’s go and have a look!” Phil shouted, obviously loud enough to ensure I knew the coast would be clear. After a few seconds, I darted through the door, hoping I had given them enough time to walk to the very end of the warehouse otherwise I would be seen and in serious trouble. I looked across at the two men, Phil glanced back and smiled when he saw me, before turning his attention back at the hapless manager,
“Come on, where is it? I haven’t got all fucking day!”
I half-ran to the locker room, it was only when I was safely inside, I felt able to really breathe properly again. Thankfully, I found a stray safety pin by the washbasin and so I was able to temporarily fix my uniform before returning to my desk, the rest of the afternoon passed in a kind of fog, as I tried to make some sense of what had happened, I had been so wrong about Phil, there was no denying he acted badly, but underneath, he was just as confused as the rest of us, which, without question, included me. In the past, I had been more than happy to cast him in the role of villain, but actually, in the beginning I had flirted with him, encouraged him, even had sex with him, so maybe I had expected too much, when I wanted a bit of care and consideration, after all, from his point of view, I had been all too willing to do anything he wanted, allowing him unrestricted access to my body. By the end of the day, it was clear, I had been as much to blame as him, I had used him almost as much as he had used me, in my desperation to be somehow appreciated . As I packed my desk away, it was with great relief I could assure myself, I was not that person anymore, and maybe, he could change for the better as well, given time.
As I headed to the entrance, I saw heavy rain splattering against the large windows, I fastened my coat which I had bought on a whim, so although it looked good , was clearly going to be completely useless in the face of the downpour. As I reluctantly stepped out, the sheer force of the rain hit me like a heavy curtain, instantly, soaking me to the skin, knowing there was no turning back, I splashed my way to the bus stop, cursing my foolish purchase with every sodden step. Once under the relatively dry shelter, I shook my head, in a futile attempt to loosen my fringe which seemed to have become welded to my forehead, while shaking the excess water from my handbag. Having achieved all I could, I fixed my gaze into the darkness, hoping to see the welcoming headlights of my bus which would, in turn, signal the start of my journey home.
As I waited, several cars raced past, whipping through the large puddle in the nearby kerb, causing a shower of black water to cover my already-soaked feet, before racing away into the gloom. After almost half an hour, there was still no bus and I was starting to shiver uncontrollably, I glanced back at work, but all the lights were off, so there was no point in going back. Suddenly, I remembered I had a card from the local minicab firm somewhere in my bag, as I rummaged around, another car roared past, causing yet another spray of water to douse me. I looked up angrily, poised to unleash an uncharacteristic barrage of verbal abuse, when I saw Matt smiling at me through the passenger window,
“Sorry about that, wasn’t sure if it was you, would you like a lift?”
I gratefully nodded and clambered into the car, at first trying unsuccessfully not to drip water all over the seat, before giving in to the inevitable, and dropping my bag on to the floor. After a few moments, the warmth of the car seeped into my body and the shivering stopped, making it possible for me to speak,
“Are you alright?” Matt asked, clearly concerned by my silence.
“Yes, I just got really cold,” I explained, “But I’m alright now.”
“I suppose Kat has kept you up with all the wedding plans,” he began, once the car was moving once more.
“Yes, it all sounds pretty full on, although I gather the seating plan could be a bit of a problem,” I replied. He glanced across at me, his eyes sparkling as a broad smile crossed his face,
“Yeah, but I’m sure we’ll work it out somehow, even if we do end up blindfolding the guests so they don’t know who they’re sitting with,” he laughed, suddenly I remembered Laine,
“I spoke to my beloved daughter, and she has asked if she can bring someone with her,” I asked.
“Am I to assume this is a boyfriend?” he asked.
“You are indeed,” I replied.
“Well, he must come, so we can interview him at length, we can’t have just anyone dating her,” he said with mock severity, “We need to know if he’s suitable.”
I laughed and jokingly agreed, adding we should fully investigate his family tree, without delay, to ensure he came from good stock.
As we continued the journey home, we chatted and laughed, it had been a while since we had been together, just the two of us, and I’d almost forgotten how easy he was to be with and how fortunate Kat was to be marrying him. Finally, we arrived at my home , I glanced through the rain-dashed window and was relieved to see the worst had passed which meant I had some hope of reaching my front door without getting another soaking. I thanked Matt again for rescuing me, before jumping out and half-running inside, almost dropping my keys in my haste, with the door opened, I turned back and waved to Matt who had waited to make sure I was safely inside. As he sped away, I couldn’t help but hope Kat had been truthful about ending her fling with Karl, especially if he ended up being hurt,as I would feel partly responsible, even if my involvement was unintentional.
Later that evening, now warm and dry, I found myself wondering about people, were any of us truly satisfied with what we had ? Or were we always going to be looking for something else ? A long time ago, Vanessa had talked about climbing a hill, believing she would be happy having reached the top, only when she arrived, she saw another hill in the distance and would set off again, each time, sure, that would be the last one As long as I had known Kat, she had wanted a good man, someone reliable, who loved her without question, who she could see herself being with forever. But now she had all of those things with Matt, she was potentially risking everything for a fling with Karl, a man, she had previously described as nothing more than a ‘brief encounter.’ I nestled back into the soft sofa cushions as I turned my thoughts to Phil, he was married, yet instead of trying to make things better with his wife, he had countless meaningless sexual encounters with women, preferring that option to actually sitting down and just talking to her, although I had a forlorn hope maybe our conversation had made him reconsider. But what about me? I was in no position to judge, I was as messed up as anyone, if not more so, after all, I had waited years to feel something, when I finally had, it was with someone I could never have. As if that wasn’t bad enough, I had been in a relationship with Daniel, who was a great person but I had opted out, even though we could have been good together. Now, here I was, feeling completely intimidated by the sheer force of my sexual feelings, so much so, I was seeking professional help – even though, it was this very depth of passion I had spent years hoping to feel.
“Let’s face it, when it comes to screwed up, you take the title,” I told myself, before reluctantly leaving the embrace of the sofa to head to my bedroom where once snuggled under the duvet, there was a promise of finding some peace from my jumbled thoughts. Fortunately, almost as soon as my head hit the pillow, I fell asleep, only to be woken by the sound of my mobile vibrating urgently on my bedside table. As I fumbled to find it in the semi-darkness, I cursed myself for, yet again, forgetting to switch the wretched thing off,
“Hello,” I mumbled sleepily.
“Carrie? Is that you?” the voice sounded vaguely familiar, but I was still half-asleep,
“Yes, it’s me,”I replied slowly.
“Oh fuck,I’ve just realised the time over there, were you asleep?” the voice continued.
“I was,” I replied shortly, forcing my eyes to open as it became apparent the caller was not goi
ng to fade away and allow me to stay asleep.
The caller laughed,
“I’m guessing you’re not so thrilled to hear from me then...what a shame.”
Suddenly every sense in my body seemed to switch on at once, I sat bolt upright in bed as I finally realised who the caller was,
“ Vanessa?” I gasped, “Is that really you?”
I heard her laugh again,
“There you go..that’s more like it!”
My mind raced, my heart had woken up too and was now thumping against my chest, but despite all this activity, my mouth seemed temporarily unable to form coherent words, so a stream of questions beginning with ‘but’, ‘how’ and ‘when’ were left unfinished. Thankfully, she interrupted,
“ I just called to say I’m coming back to London and I was hoping we could see each other again.”
“That would be amazing,” I stammered.
“Great, I’ll get Marcella to call you when we get there, see what we can arrange,” she replied, with an almost annoyingly matter-of-fact tone when compared to my total confusion. As she talked a little about how her life had been, I finally managed to regain some of semblance composure, making it possible to join the conversation,
“I’ve tried to keep up with you, you know, on the news and magazines,” I said, realising I may well sound like a ‘fan’ but knowing, at that particular moment, I didn’t really care.
“I’m glad, I thought you may have forgotten about me, after all this time,”she replied.
“That was never going to happen,” I answered firmly, there was a pause, before she said anything else, I was just about to try and fill the silence, when she spoke again,
“I nearly didn’t call, I was worried, you know, in case, you had
moved on and didn’t want me coming back and screwing everything up,” she sounded almost sad.
“I will always want to see you,” I answered simply.
I was sure she was about to answer, when I heard someone speak in the background,