by A B Turner
“I’m sorry, I have to go, but I will see you soon,” Vanessa said quickly before the phone went dead.
After carefully placing my phone back on the bedside table, I flopped back onto my pillow and stared up at the ceiling, trying to decide whether I had actually been awake when the phone rang or it had all been a dream. I turned over and pulled the cover almost over my face, whatever the truth, for now, I was content to believe it had really happened, she had called and we were going to be together again.
I spent the following days almost jumping out of my skin every time the phone rang, in case it was Marcella, but after almost knocking myself out with a cupboard door as I raced to answer, the call still never came, so after several more days, I rapidly came to the conclusion, I must have dreamt the whole thing. But any fantasies about Vanessa would have to wait now, I was due to see the counsellor. The prospect of talking about such intimate problems with a stranger made me feel very uneasy, but I needed help and this was the only way, so despite my discomfort, or maybe even because it, when I walked up the leafy path to a large Georgian-style house, I knew I was doing the right thing.
As I entered, the atmosphere was so welcoming it was like going into someone’s home, which made me feel slightly less anxious. In the hallway, there was a high desk with a young woman speaking on a phone, she glanced up and smiled, indicating for me to wait just for a moment while she finished the call. I took this opportunity to glance around, to the right of the reception desk was a flight of stairs with an ornate banister curving upwards, I could see a large window at the top, flooding the whole area with coloured light as the sun shone through the stained glass. To the left of the desk were two large doors held open by large, brass doorstops, I could just see inside the room were several, leather armchairs arranged around a long, low oak coffee table , on the far wall, there was a huge fireplace surrounded by marbled tiles. Once more this room seemed both light and airy, suggesting there were more large windows somewhere allowing the daylight in, this seemed strangely appropriate, after all, I imagined people who came here felt in darkness and the very building itself was so filled with light, just being here would lift your spirits. My musing was interrupted by the receptionist,
“Sorry about that, “ she began, pointing at the phone, “You must be Ms Sullivan, why don’t you take a seat and I’ll tell Charlotte you’re here.”
I thanked her and walked into the large room and, for some reason, sat down on the very edge of one of the armchairs, clutching my bag on my lap, as I had guessed, there were large windows at either end of the room, the ones at the far end looked out over a large garden surrounded by trees. Despite the obvious fact, this was now a counselling centre, it seemed little had been changed from when it was someone’s home , I tried to relax by speculating who might have lived here, wondering what stories the walls could tell if they could speak, undoubtedly, the lives of those past residents were just as complicated as ours now. For some inexplicable reason, when this thought occurred to me, I felt some more of the tension evaporate, as if, accepting the fact, other troubled people had sat where I was made me feel less alone somehow. Almost as soon as I rested back in the chair, a small, dark woman appeared in the open doorway, on seeing me, she smiled broadly, walked towards me, extending her hand which she shook warmly,
“Hello Ms Sullivan,I’m Charlotte Vale, would you like to come through?”
I nodded and followed her back into the main hallway, passed the reception desk and through another door at the end of the passage. Once inside she indicated for me to sit down on one of two large armchairs either side of another fireplace, which dominated the room,
“Do take a seat ,” she said kindly, before quickly reaching for a notepad from an enormous desk which had been placed in the bay of the window, outside I could see the trees bending slightly in the breeze, allowing dappled sunlight to illuminate the dark carpet. Once sure she had everything she needed, Charlotte sat down opposite me and visibly relaxed,
“Ms Sullivan,or may I call you Caroline?”
“I would prefer Carrie, only my mother ever called me by my full name and, well, let’s just say, we didn't have the best of relationships,” I answered, I waited, half-expecting her to start scribbling down that admission, so I was quite surprised when she made no move.
“Of course, well, Carrie , I’ll begin by explaining what we do here, then we can have a bit of a chat, how does that sound?”
“That sounds fine,” I replied. As she spoke, her matter-of -fact approach actually began to give me the faint hope the whole experience might be less daunting than I had imagined. Although I was still deeply uncomfortable about talking about myself, I knew with total certainty it would be easier, if someone didn’t insist on holding my hand, making reassuring noises while telling me to 'love myself' which was an idea I had never really understood.
“So,what do you think?” she finished, looking steadily at me, her icy blue eyes seeming to catch the light from the sunshine outside,
“I came here for help, to walk away now would be a mistake,” I replied, surprising myself with the firmness of my response, Charlotte smiled and rested back in her chair, carefully placing the still unused notebook on the knee.
“ Now,I know, someone asking you to tell them about yourself can be irritating, so I will leave it to you to give us a place to start,” she said, smiling as she obviously noticed my relief on hearing those words, “Take your time, Carrie.”
I rested back in my own chair, took a deep breath and started to try explaining everything, from my marriage to Steve and the subsequent years of feeling nothing.Conscious about naming names, I talked about Vanessa, all the one night stands, Daniel and, finally, ended with Jay. As I spoke, Charlotte listened intently, only very occasionally jotting down a few words, as if, they would be more than enough to act as a reminder. When I finally stopped, she rested her pen on the book,
“You’ve been extremely open, Carrie, thank you for that.”
“Can you help me?” I asked bluntly.
“I would be less than truthful if I told you I have all the answers, but I do believe we can find them together,” she replied carefully, “Shall we try?”
I nodded my agreement, just relieved to hear I was not going mad and there was, after all, some hope. Charlotte reached across to her desk and passed me two printed sheets of paper,
“If you could, it would be helpful if you could fill those in before I see you next week, sometimes writing something down helps us focus a little more, as we consciously choose words more carefully than when we speak.”
I glanced dubiously at the sheets,
“I’ve never been very good at tests,” I remarked, Charlotte laughed,
“There are no wrong answers, Carrie, just try and be as honest as you can.”
When she started to rise, I was temporarily surprised, it felt like I had just arrived and she was already winding up the session, it was only when I glanced at the mantle clock, I realised a whole hour had passed. I put the papers in my handbag, before standing up and walked towards the door, once more, she extended her hand,
“I’ve enjoyed meeting you and will look forward to seeing you soon, see Victoria on your way out and she’ll make an appointment for you.”
I shook her hand, by the time I reached the desk, the receptionist already had an appointment card written out and was poised to arrange a time, once done, I left, feeling considerably less nervous than when I had arrived.
Chapter 5
As I walked down the path and out into the street, I suddenly remembered I had switched off my phone before going in, almost as soon as it leapt back into life, there were several missed calls and text messages, as I scrolled down, they were mostly from Kat, although two were from Jay, asking if we could get together again soon. Knowing I would call Kat later, I put the phone back in my bag, leaving Jay’s messages temporarily unanswered, as at first, I wasn’t really sure I wanted to see him, after all, it had been with
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br /> him I had felt so out of control. However, whether it was the warmth of the sun or the fact I felt more positive after my meeting with Charlotte, by the time I reached home, I found myself calling him, suggesting he come over that evening, just for a drink, I attempted to sound casual, almost nonchalant. But as soon as I heard his voice,I felt neither of these things. It seemed even unseen, this man had a disturbing effect , which was both unsettling but obviously irresistible to me.
Once I had showered and changed, I called Kat quickly, she was panicking over the seating plan yet again and asked if she could come over,
“I can’t tonight, I’ve got someone coming over,” I replied.
“Anyone interesting that I should know about?” she asked mischievously.
“I don’t think so, just a friend,” I answered, smiling to myself, knowing this kind of answer would drive her mad.
“What kind of friend?” she persisted, fully realising the game we were now both playing,
“A good friend,” I answered, laughing, but Kat was exasperated,
“Oh give me a bit more than that!”
I paused, before explaining I would love to tell her all about it, but I wasn’t quite ready and would have to go as he was due in less than half an hour, as soon as she heard the word ‘he’, Kat responded almost immediately,
“ A man! Is it that guy Jay again? Or maybe someone else? So this is how it is now, because Lainie’s out the way, you’re entertaining strange men at all hours of the night and day, I’m not sure I approve,” she joked.
“I don’t think having one person over at 8.30 in the evening, really means the same as my having a procession of gentleman callers, and anyway, I don’t need your approval,” I replied, “I can be as bad as I like!”
Kat laughed,
“Well you go girl, just be careful and don’t allow him to tie you up, a friend of mine did that once, she woke up the next morning, lashed to the bedpost and covered in cream..."
“There was no friend, Kat , that was you!” I teased, “Anyway, like I said, I have to get ready.”
With obvious reluctance Kat dragged out saying goodbye until finally, I only managed to end it, by promising I would call her the next day. As I finished applying some make-up, I was relieved we had managed to retain our friendship, despite the issue with Karl, she was so important to me and I knew my life would be lacking, if, for some reason, she was no longer part of it.
I was just dabbing on a tiny drop of perfume, when there was a knock at the door, I checked my reflection,
“Now look you, just relax and take it slowly, you can do this,” I assured myself, after one last look, I walked into the hall, took a deep breath before opening the door, to see Jay standing there, holding a bottle of wine,
“Good evening, Carrie, you look beautiful,” he smiled and almost instantly, my legs felt like they were turning to jelly, but I forced myself to maintain a level of calm.
“You look good too,Jay,do come in.”
We quickly settled at opposite ends of the sofa, Jay had opened the wine and we began chatting, encouraged by me, he told me about his day, I wanted him to talk as it gave me an opportunity to really look at this man and try to make some sense of what it was about him that had such an effect on me. I attempted to start an almost clinical examination in my mind, but this proved difficult as every time my eyes met his, I seemed to get lost in the depth of colour, the flickering light from the candles I had placed carefully around the room, seemed to make the rich purple even more deep. As this thought occurred, I was reminded of Lainie talking about her boyfriends’ eyes, I tried to remember her exact words, it was something about being sure you could swim in them. This recollection caused me to smile, clearly, there was something about us, when it came to eyes, perhaps we would be safer if we forced everyone to wear sunglasses!I was jolted out of this ridiculous thought, by Jay asking me if I was alright.
“Me?I’m fine, something you said made me think about a conversation I had recently,” I replied unconvincingly.
“That’s alright then,” he replied, we both sipped our wine, I was about to say something, when he spoke again,
“I have to say, I was pleasantly surprised to hear from you,” he looked steadily at me, I forced myself to avert my gaze as I knew I was incapable of looking at him and being able to maintain any kind of conversation,
“There’s been a lot going on lately, a close friend is getting married soon and my daughter is coming home, there just hasn’t been a lot of time,” I explained, then, despite myself, I glanced back at him, “Until now.”
Jay smiled, he placed his glass carefully on the table, he leant forward and kissed me gently, the feeling of his lips on mine sent shockwaves through my whole body, but I resisted giving in, refusing to allow my tongue any way out of my mouth. Jay sat back slightly,clearly my apparent lack of passion had taken him by surprise, he reached for his glass and settled back once more, while I felt slightly triumphant, with the fact I had managed to retain some composure, however fleeting that might be.
“I hope amidst all this, you’ve managed to find time for yourself,” Jay said with apparent innocence.
“Oh yes, I rarely miss an opportunity to find some kind of pleasure,” I replied equally casually.
“Are there any particular activities you might find especially distracting?” he asked, “I’m just curious, you understand, I do hope you don’t feel I’m being too intrusive.”
“Sometimes, intrusion is a good thing, don’t you think?” I replied, as my earlier attempt at restraint crumbled helplessly away to be rapidly replaced with open flirtation, “As long as the intruder is welcome.”
Jay reached forward and took my glass from my hand, placed both his and mine on the table, before looking back at me,
“How do you decide who is welcome?” he asked, I paused as if lost in some kind of internal debate, clearly running low on patience, he leant forward and kissed me, this time my tongue met his with equal urgency, with total abandon, we allowed our mouths free rein to explore any part of the other. Within moments, his face was buried in my neck, I could feel his hands sliding inside my blouse and caressing my bare flesh, barely pausing, I pulled his black t-shirt over his head and started ravenously feeding on his dark chest, my hands gripped over his shoulders so tightly, it felt as if my nails were going to become deeply embedded into them. In one move, he ripped my blouse from my now-heaving body and pushed me back on to the sofa, as my breasts were revealed, he gazed down approvingly before falling on them with uncontrollable hunger. Waves of pleasure coursed through every part of me, as I felt each part of his mouth,his tongue, his lips and his teeth feasting on my body. I ripped off my panties, grabbed one of his hands and forced it between my thighs, instantly the touch of his fingers entering me, unleashed a tide of pure desire, it rose from the darkest place within ,only to completely engulf me in its heat . I writhed under his thrusting body, frantically grabbing for him, I wanted him inside me now, I tore through the button fly of his jeans and rammed him into me. He groaned with pleasure as I wrapped my quivering legs around his waist, forcing him deeper and deeper into me, despite everything, I still felt there was some part of him I was not getting, and I wanted all of him. As soon as I moved, he slipped out of me, Jay sighed with obvious displeasure, but when I turned my back on him and knelt on all fours, inviting him to take me again, he instantly slammed into me, his hands gripping my waist, pulling my whole body towards him. Still driven with the desire for more, so with each thrust from him, I pushed back with equal force, until I was virtually impaled on to his body. The initial ripples of pleasure had now become a swirling tsunami of pure lust, he pumped harder and harder until, finally, just as I was on the point of blacking out, he came in violent, thrusting bursts.
For a brief moment, we remained locked in this position, then his head landed heavily on my back and I could feel his hot breath prickling across my sweating skin, once we had both managed to breathe properly again, I
slid my knees down and rolled over. He collapsed on to my chest, I pushed my fingers through his dark curls, his hair was damp with sweat , I allowed my hand to drift gently down his back, every muscle seemed to be twitching slightly as if an electrical current had passed through it.
After several more minutes, Jay sat up,which allowed me to stretch out, I picked up a cushion from the floor and put it behind my head, meanwhile, he carefully lifted my legs and rested them back across his own. As I watched, he seemed to be lost in his own thoughts , he ran his fingers through his hair, as if this action alone would clear something, for me, I was incapable of thinking about anything other than how much I wanted to feel his mouth on me. I shifted back slightly, until my back rested against the arm of the sofa, my movement stirred Jay from his thoughts and he looked across at me. Looking straight into his eyes, I slipped my hands between my thighs and gently stroked the soft hair, Jay bit his lip but nothing more, he seemed completely transfixed. I parted my legs before allowing one eager hand to explore every wet corner of my body, while the other gently caressed my full breasts, I moaned slightly with the sheer pleasure of just enjoying my own body.
As Jay watched, I rhythmically pulsed with each push of my now-dripping fingers, the once gentle touching of my breasts turned into a rampant need to feel every inch of their yielding flesh. Suddenly, he pulled my hands away before burying his face into me, his tongue lapped up every moist part of my body, I gripped the back of his head, forcing him into me, I was completely out of control as I clawed like a maniac at his broad, dark shoulders. As he fed on me, his hands gripped my hips, pulling me closer and closer, ensuring there would be no discernible space between us, I squirmed with pleasure as he forced me to come in his mouth. I collapsed back on to the sofa, my heart pounding so loudly it felt as if it could burst out of my chest at any moment , Jay wiped his mouth on his palm, before inching closer up to my chest. He glanced up at me, before starting to flick his tongue over the nipples, tiny ripples of pure pleasure almost tickled through my breasts, but despite this, I was suddenly aware I wanted him to stop, in fact, for some completely unfathomable reason, I wanted him to leave.