by A B Turner
“So, how have things been for you?” she asked, I sighed, not entirely sure where to start, after all, so much seemed to have happened. When I explained this feeling of being slightly overwhelmed, Charlotte smiled and reminded me to just take my time, adding the suggestion, I should try and focus on one incident or person at a time. For some reason, I began with Kat and described the moment we kissed, despite herself, as I explained how confused this had made me, I noticed a flicker of a smile cross her lips,
“Carrie , there really is no need to feel awkward, after all, as friends, there had never been any hint of a sexual aspect to your relationship, so it cannot surprise you ,there is a feeling of discomfort, when that aspect appears, even briefly.”
I nodded my agreement with her words, but proceeded to describe my time with Josef, at this, the smile disappeared and she looked decidedly more serious,
“Why do you think you felt the need to be with him?”
For a moment, I said nothing, I wanted to somehow get my words in some kind of order before answering, sensing my need, Charlotte sat back in her chair and waited patiently, at last, I had some idea of what to say,
“At the time, I thought it was because of Kat , like I needed to prove to myself I could feel something with a man, but actually, it had more to do with realising I was alone, after all, Kat has Matt, Lainie has Damon and I’m....well, I have no-one.”
Almost as soon as the words came out, I felt as if I sounded like I was just moaning, the fact I couldn’t have everything everyone else seemed to have, Charlotte thankfully, did not see it the same way.
“It is understandable, after all, it is true, the two people closest to you are both in relationships, but what interests me, is you seem to have decided, on some level, maybe you will not find the same and so, perhaps you are settling for less...”
“You mean, half of something is better than nothing?” I queried.
Charlotte frowned slightly, clearly not entirely comfortable by my choice of words,
“In a way,” she answered carefully, “Have you ever heard of the idea, that we receive the kind of love we believe we deserve?”
I nodded, a little unsure of where this particular line of thought was heading, but anxious to follow it anyway.
“Good, so, the question is, Carrie, what kind of love do you feel you deserve?” her words, though few, seemed to slice right through me, her bright eyes looked directly into mine with such intensity, I felt I had to turn away., especially as I felt hot tears welling up in my eyes,
“I don’t know,” I replied hoarsely, between the desperate gasps of air I was using to force the lump in my throat back to where it came from, Charlotte leant forward slightly and passed me a box of tissues. I gratefully took one and dabbed me eyes,
“Carrie, it is not my job to upset you, but sometimes we have to face the reality of something, before we can take action, do you see ?” she said quietly, I sniffed loudly, blew my nose and turned back to face her, when I had regained a little control.
“Am I right in thinking maybe you have recently seen the woman you talked about before?” she asked.
“Yes.”
“You mentioned you felt differently with her, was that still the case this last time?”
Suddenly, as always, images of Vanessa and I together seemed to fill every corner of my mind, coupled with the feeling every cell of my body seemed to contain a memory of its own, I nodded slowly, almost unwilling to leave the semi-dreamlike state this recollection had induced.
“Carrie, do you remember when we discussed if there was any potential future for this relationship?” Charlotte’s words snapped me back into an uncomfortable reality,
“ Yes, I remember ,” I answered slowly. Charlotte sighed, as if she knew her next question had the potential to hurt, sensing her hesitation, I insisted she ask, after all, I was here in this office, for her clarity amongst other things.
“Alright, then I shall ask,” Charlotte continued, “Carrie, do you think perhaps it’s time you let this relationship end ? As I wonder if maybe investing so much of yourself into something that will ultimately, by your own admission, come to nothing, is the way forward?”
I sat back, in total disbelief, as although I had no idea of what Charlotte was so hesitant about asking, the prospect of her suggesting never seeing Vanessa again, had never entered my mind. Seeing my temporary inability to speak, Charlotte expanded on her original question, outlining, with almost surgical precision, as long as I had the hope of spending a few hours with Vanessa every so often, perhaps I would never find someone to share a real relationship,
“Especially,” she added, “You have told me, the physical side of your time with her, is more intensely meaningful than with anyone else.”
I was struck dumb by the sheer horror at the prospect of what she was saying, after all, hadn’t I come here to get help with my feelings towards Jay? Wasn’t the point of my sitting in this office was to try and make sense of the violence I had felt when I was with him ? Surely, that had nothing to do with Vanessa. When I managed to get those last words out, Charlotte sighed and shook her head,
“If you wish my honest opinion, Carrie, I feel it may have everything to do with Vanessa,” my totally bemused expression, seemed to give her no choice but to explain this conclusion.
“Is it possible, do you think , maybe you were trying to find the intensity you feel with her, when you were with him? And that need became so overwhelming, it became almost violent....” Charlotte allowed her voice to trail away, as if somehow hoping, I would be able to see what she meant without her having to say any more.
Still not entirely able to speak, I just stared blankly ahead, could it be true ? At first, it seemed beyond belief, after all, sex with him had been wild, reckless even dangerous in some ways, whereas with her, there had always been such tenderness...almost as soon as this last word crossed my mind, I took a sharp intake of breath as a truth hit me. We had never been especially rough with each other, but the emotions, well, they had been like a sheer force of nature , which was undeniably, a violence of sorts.
I glanced back at Charlotte, she was sitting quietly, her notebook unused rested on her lap, with her hands loosely clasped on top,
“So what you’re saying is, if I really want a relationship, like Kat, like Lainie, I have to stop seeing Vanessa?” I asked, hardly believing the words I was saying,
“No, Carrie, I am asking, do you think as long as you have her in your life, such a relationship with anyone else is possible?” she replied, gently correcting me, “As I’ve said before, it is not my place to tell you what to do, I can only try and help you, perhaps, see things a little more clearly.”
Suddenly, I wanted to leave as my mind didn’t seem capable of thinking any more, but, for some reason, I seemed somehow stuck in this chair, in this office, with a counsellor suggesting I end the one relationship , which, in some ways, was the most important I had. Charlotte clearly could see what a turmoil her words had caused, she leant forward and poured a glass of water and passed it to me,
“I’m sorry if I have caused you some distress, you asked me to speak plainly but maybe, upon reflection, I was a little too plain.”
I gratefully took the glass, as our eyes met, it was clear from her slightly worried expression, she was concerned about my reaction, after taking a long drink, despite my confusion, I knew I had to reassure her somehow,
“There’s no need to apologise,” I began, “I asked you to tell me the truth, I can hardly complain just because the truth isn’t what I wanted to hear,” I said simply. She smiled with relief and praised me for my honesty, adding she felt sure, despite how I was feeling now, I would find a way through it all in the end.
“I hope so,” I replied, before looking up at the clock, unlike our previous meetings, I was relieved to see our time was almost over, so I gathered up my jacket and bag and stood up, Charlotte looked slightly surprised by my sudden movement, but rose anyway,
&n
bsp; “There are still a few minutes left,” she insisted kindly.
“I need to think, try and make sense of everything,” I answered, “That’s all.” Absent-mindedly I touched her arm, as if trying to offer her some assurance she had not hurt my feelings and so not to take my need to leave as a personal slight. She patted my hand gratefully and showed me to the front door,
“Do call me any time, Carrie, if you need to talk,” she said firmly, I smiled, thanked her and walked out of the house and down the leafy path. I paused at the gate to button my coat before setting off down the wide avenue, the streetlights were starting to switch on as I walked, seeming to flood each step with their warm, yellowish glow. Despite the fact I knew Lainie was at home, I wasn’t ready to go there, my mind was too full of seemingly unanswerable questions and nagging doubts, so I opted to walk back in the vain hope I would make some sense of it all before reaching the familiar front door. Although even when I thought of home, I realised it was different now, Lainie wasn’t waiting for me alone, Damon was there, so far from being anxious , she was probably secretly hoping I would be out for a while, to give them some time together. This idea could have made me feel angry, but instead, I simply understood, after all, I could hardly blame her for wanting to spend as much time with him as possible, they were in love and there’s no place for your mother.
Almost aimlessly, I found myself ambling along, rapidly coming to the inevitable conclusion, my choice was nowhere near as complicated as I had first believed, if I wanted a relationship, there could be no more Vanessa, but, if I wanted her in my life, I had to accept, I would probably be alone. There was no question, it was an almost-impossible choice I was being forced to make, but perhaps Charlotte was right and it was a necessary one. After all, Vanessa had Ryan, she was really sacrificing nothing to spend a few hours with me, I thought back to when she had asked if I was seeing someone, supposing I had said yes? Would she have asked me to leave? Or was she already sure I would say no ? The questions seemed to go round my mind in ever-decreasing circles, leaving me wondering if this was what love for me would always be like, I would be the one who loves and the other person, would be the one who is loved.
As I turned the corner into my familiar street, I was still lost in thought, even half-deciding to give up on relationships altogether and take up a handicraft instead, this idea instantly made me remember Kat's warning about what she would do if she ever found me quilting, which, despite myself, made me smile. Thankfully, by the time I was putting my key in the door, it was this final thought which occupied my mind , there was time enough to make the life-changing decisions, now was about Lainie and Damon, Kat and Matt, when they were all away, I could turn my attention back to myself, I knew I was just delaying the inevitable, but I also knew, I wasn’t ready to face it – not yet anyway.
When I walked into the living-room, Damon and Lainie were curled up together on the sofa, I tried to hide my mild amusement at the sight of them springing apart as soon as they realised I was there.
“Everything alright, Mum ?” Lainie asked brightly.
“Fine thanks,” I replied, “Have you two eaten?”
Damon grinned proudly, as he explained Lainie had cooked for them both, again, I found myself concealing my true feelings, after all, my daughter had hardly been a domestic goddess during her time at home, in fact, she had caused more than one fire alert, but I successfully hid my amazement at this statement.
“I’m sure she’ll be able to rustle something up for you?” he added, looking at Lainie, who in turn, glanced up at me, despite the fact I was sorely tempted to accept this offer, she could barely disguise her hope, I would make some excuse, so I politely declined. Lainie visibly sighed with relief and nestled back into the sofa,
“We’re about to watch a movie, will you join us?” Damon asked, I knew he was trying to give me a good impression, but I also was more than aware, the pair of them would rather be alone and so I mentioned a book I was anxious to start, so if they didn’t mind, I would go to bed early, after all, it had been quite an exciting few days. Despite themselves, I noticed them exchange a knowing smile and I knew I had done the right thing, I wished them a good night and retreated to Lainie’s room. I had barely taken off my coat, when she appeared at the door,
“Mum, I don’t want you to feel weird with us here together,” she began hesitantly, I turned to face her,
“I don’t, I do have a book, but also, it’s your first night, you want some time alone, I understand that, I was young once, you know,” I replied reassuringly.
“Oh that’s right, I saw your picture at the museum, you know, the one where you’re doing the cave painting next to the dinosaur,” she joked.
“Perhaps I will come in with you two, after all, as long as I can sit between you !” I shot back, the look of abject horror on Lainie’s face made me laugh out loud, “Don’t worry, I’m only joking !”
Lainie shook her head,
“You’re mean !”
We hugged and I sent her back to join Damon, with the door firmly closed, I quickly undressed and slipped under the covers, I suddenly felt incredibly tired. I glanced at the book I had mentioned which was resting on the bedside table, but I knew it would have to wait for another day, as my eyes were now finding it increasingly difficult to stay open. I briefly thought about trying to reconsider everything Charlotte had said earlier, but it quickly became clear, my mind had decided to shut down, so instead I just allowed myself to drift off to sleep.
The following morning, I rose early, I had the vague notion of somehow managing to sneak out of the house before Damon and Lainie awoke, I had to get to work and I didn’t want to disturb them. However, as I padded into the kitchen, I almost fell into a half-naked Damon, he was leaning into the fridge, clearly trying to retrieve something from the back, when he heard me, he spun round,
“Good morning, Carrie,” he said cheerfully, before realising he was only wearing his boxers,
“Oh crap, I should have put some clothes on,” he said obviously slightly embarrassed.
“Don’t worry, Damon, I’m not easily shocked,” I replied, “I’m just off to work, I’m guessing Lainie’s still asleep.”
He grinned,
“Your daughter’s not a morning person, but I guess you know that !”
I laughed and grabbed my handbag from the kitchen counter,
“Well, I have to go, so help yourself to anything and have a good day,” I insisted, before I had a chance to move, he leant forward and hugged me,
“Thanks for making me so welcome,” he said quietly, I kissed him lightly on the cheek, assured him it was my pleasure before leaving the house.
As I headed off down the road, my phone started ringing, as always, it had somehow fallen to the very bottom of my bag and it seemed to take me an age to retrieve. At last, I found it, a quick glance at the screen showed it was Kat,
“Hello sweetheart, how are you this morning?” I asked.
“I’m good, how are the lovebirds ?” she replied cheerily, “Did they keep you up all night with the sounds of their wild love-making?”
Even though I knew she couldn’t see me, I found myself grimacing at this thought,
“Thankfully no, they’re very happy, how about you?”
Without hesitation, Kat launched into telling me about the amazing night she had spent with Matt, despite everything she had already enjoyed, when she had arrived home, he whisked her off for a romantic dinner on a riverboat, as she spoke, her voice was filled with emotion,
“I’m telling you, Carrie, I am the luckiest woman,” she gushed, a sentiment I was all too happy to accept, “And I have to you thank.”
This last comment left me a bit bemused , but when she explained, they would never have met, had it not been for me, her reasoning became clear.
“I’m just glad it’s all worked out..anyway..you do realise in a few days, you are going to be sailing up that aisle?” I asked, “Are you ready?”
I h
alf-expected a flippant response, or a joke about her fleeing the country, instead, her tone turned almost serious,
“I really am, truth is, I still can’t quite believe it, me, a respectable married lady.”
There was something about her words which made me resist any temptation to make a joke about her ‘respectability’, so I just assured her, she was going to be fine and I would be there to make sure she got up the aisle safely and came back ‘Mrs Croft.’ We continued talking throughout my whole walk to work, it was such a pleasure to hear her so excited about the future she had never believed she would enjoy, only a matter of months ago.
“You never know what’s coming, do you ?” she commented, as if she had somehow heard my own thoughts.
“No, I suppose not.”
“Who knows ? Maybe this time next year, I will be coming to your wedding,” she mused enthusiastically, again, even thought she couldn’t see me, I found myself shaking my head as I said I felt this was unlikely. Sadly, we were forced to end the conversation as I had arrived at work, so after promising to be at her place early on the big day, we said our goodbyes.
I walked through the all-too familiar doors, despite the pleasure of my chat with Kat, the wave of gloom just walking into this place always managed to invoke swept over me, the prospect of yet another eight hours filled me with dread. All the positivity seemed to drain away with each step towards the locker room, as I pushed open the door, two ladies looked up, greeted me and returned to their conversation. Despite trying hard not to listen, when I heard one mention Daniel, I found myself shamelessly eaves-dropping,
“Well, Dolly, it turns out Daniel has hooked up with Sarah, you know, the one from the other office.....” she paused, waiting for her companion to put a face to the name, when it clearly wasn’t forth-coming, she continued, “....the blonde one, wears the big earrings.....”