by A B Turner
“ I am not finished, you're going nowhere," he said quietly, while curling his fingers through my hair, I turned to face him, even in my weakened state, I knew it would be a terrible mistake, tomorrow I would hate the fact I had just given in to the violent lust he somehow always managed to unleash in me. But equally, I knew I wanted more of him, so tomorrow would just have to wait, as all its regrets and disappointments had no place in this dark room.
"Turn round," he said quietly, obediently I rolled over, I felt his arm around my waist and he pulled me up on to all fours. I felt his tongue slipping down my spine, his teeth biting into my skin, as I felt him grow between my thighs. His hands slid round my body and grabbed at my breasts, he seemed to be everywhere, all over my body. I tried speak, but when I opened my mouth, there was no other sound than the heaving sound of my own breathing. When he burst into me, it was without warning, I frantically made a grab for the bedpost, as he pushed so hard into me I could barely keep any kind of balance, even though his hands were clamped around me like a vice. He pounded into me, over and over, harder and harder, until I felt as if he was somehow going to split my whole body into two pieces. Suddenly, with one more violent push, I felt him wash over me, almost burning my skin with the heat. My heart was now beating so hard against my chest I could barely breathe, we slumped down, I could feel him still behind me, smothered in sweat, his hands still tightly clasping my body. For the first time, I felt pain, but I knew he wasn't ready to stop, and in truth, neither was I ,there was nothing else now, just this darkened room.
Over the next couple of hours, we did everything imaginable to each other, there was nothing off limits, it was as if somehow the world itself was on the point of ending, so there was no longer a reason to hold anything back.Finally, after collapsing back on to the bed once more, surrounded by the darkness of the room, he suddenly spoke,
“I think you should go now ,” the simple, almost blunt tone of his voice shocked me, a fact I made no effort to mask as I turned to face him.
“Why are you surprised?” he asked, with clearly mocking innocence, “ Surely it's only fair, I make the rules this time, after all, in the past, I adhered to yours more than once."
His voice sounded cold and unfeeling, for a brief moment, I wanted to say something, as it seemed almost unbelievable he could change from the frantic, crazed lover to this calculating man, so quickly. But a quick glance at his expressionless face showed anything I said now would only sound foolish. Suddenly, I felt exposed and humiliated, but I somehow managed to hide both of these feelings and slid out from under the covers without any further comment, as there was obviously nothing to say anyway, he clearly felt I had brought this on myself and perhaps he was right. As I quickly dressed, I could feel he was watching me, even though he pretended to maintain a steady gaze at the ceiling when he saw me glancing in his direction. He was resting back on the pillows, his hands clasped loosely behind his head, looking completely relaxed , maybe even slightly smug. Once dressed, I started towards the door, I felt incredibly stupid and now wanted to leave this room as soon as possible,
“You should be able to get the night porter to call a cab, do you have any money ?” Jay called after me,
“I’ll be fine, thank you,” was all I could manage, before turning the door handle and leaving him and the room, I half-ran down the corridor and down the stairs without stopping, despite the fact I kept hoping he would come after me, saying he hadn’t been serious and asking, no begging, me to come back with him. But by the time I had reached the night porters’ desk and asked for a cab, it was obvious he had no intention of coming, I stood in the deserted lobby, wishing the ground would open and swallow me up. The gown, which I had felt so glamorous in only a few hours earlier, suddenly looked faintly ridiculous, creased and crumpled, like used wrapping paper which should have been thrown away years ago. As I stood there, occasionally people would pass me and look with a combination of sympathy and disdain, I knew what they were thinking,
“Look at that poor woman, she looks a bit rough, probably done something she shouldn’t when she was drunk, wouldn’t want to be her in the morning.”
Just as I was about to start walking, the cab appeared and the night porter kindly opened the door and I gratefully climbed in the back seat, after telling the driver my address, I sank back and tried to make sense of what had happened. But the cab driver chatted away about the state of the country, the traffic and just about every other topic he must have seen on the news, which made any thinking almost impossible, so instead I nodded and made the occasional non-commital noise every so often.
When we arrived home, I realised I had nowhere near enough money in my small clutch bag to pay him, but fortunately, he allowed me to dash inside where I always kept an emergency fund just for this kind of occasion. When I reappeared at his window, I just handed him all the notes and thanked him, he glanced into his hand,
“You’ve given me way too much, love, ‘ere take this one back,” he insisted, pushing a ten pound note firmly into my palm, I thanked him again and went back into the house, as he drove away.
The house was dark, as it matched my mood, I saw no reason to put any lights on, so I undressed and slumped down on to the sofa wearing my bathrobe. Everywhere I looked seemed to be evidence of how much happiness had filled this room only hours earlier, yet now, there was nothing, I felt battered and bruised, not only from the sex, but the virtual hurricane of emotions swirling around my mind. I quickly realised I was going to be unable to make any sense of it, so I tried to focus on Matt and Kat, by now, they would be on the Orient Express, happily recounting their day, probably lying together, before making love. When I said the words, 'making love' it felt like something stabbed me in the chest , I shook my head, as if trying to force the thought from my mind, but as quickly as Kat and Matt disappeared, Lainie and Damon took their place. Unable to cope, I went into my bedroom and reached inside the bedside drawer, I had always kept some sedatives in there, that’s what I needed now, something to just knock me out, to make thinking about anything, feeling anything, completely impossible. But as I searched, I suddenly remembered, I had thrown them away, I cursed both them and myself, before slipping under the covers and hoping sheer exhaustion would force my brain to shut down, which after almost an hour of tossing and turning, finally happened.
The following morning, I awoke to find every part of 'my body aching and sore, I staggered to the shower, consciously avoiding seeing my own reflection, I could guess what I looked like and I had no desire to have my worst suspicions confirmed. As the warm water cascaded down my body, I gingerly started to wash, at first, trying to avoid any part of my body which could potentially act angrily when hit by the soap, but this proved futile, so I just gritted my teeth and put up with the discomfort, wincing every so often. Somehow, the physical pain was a welcome distraction from how I was feeling inside, even now, I could hear Jay’s words about my setting the rules in the past, I wanted to feel hurt and aggrieved, but the truth was, he was right. So how things had turned out, was my own doing, my own responsibility, but that didn’t make accepting the outcome any less painful. He had just seized the opportunity to be the one in control and so, perhaps now, in his mind, we were somehow even, although the level of humiliation he had dealt me seemed particularly excessive, although even that might have been no worse than what I had probably done to him. After several minutes, the heat from the water seemed to ease both my mind and body, so by the time I stepped out of the shower, I knew I had to try and stop dwelling on the night with Jay, because I couldn't change what had happened. As I dried off, I could not help but notice the bruising and scratches all over my body , I reminded myself, bad as they were, they would heal in time, soon there would be no trace left on the outside, but inside was a different story. Suddenly I knew at that moment, I would cheerfully sell my soul just to feel some tenderness, I wished Lainie was here or Kat , just someone who I knew loved me and, more importantly, I loved them. I wanted to
remind myself what that was like, but they were both gone.
At the moment this thought dawned, I suddenly thought of Vanessa , perhaps she was still in the country, after all, I had always gone to her when she had needed me, perhaps this time, she would come to me to me. I raced into the living room where the laptop still rested open on the table, within seconds, I had switched it on and opened my email account. As my eyes darted down the list, I prayed I hadn’t deleted Marcella’s email, thankfully, although one had gone, the most recent was still there. Almost without pausing, I typed,
“Need to see Imelda asap.”
I sat back in the chair and stared at the screen, five simple words, maybe that’s all it would take to make every rotten, negative feeling fade away, with this fervent hope, I pressed ‘send’ and settled back to wait for a response, silently hoping it would come sooner rather than later. Over one hour later, I was still glued to the chair, becoming increasingly desperate as each minute ticked by, by the passing of the second hour, my desperation had turned to anger, after all, hadn’t I always come running? I had never asked her for anything, so why didn’t she answer now? Was it asking too much?Was she just another person who would take everything from me without giving anything back? I leapt up from the table and was about to slam down the lid of the laptop, when I heard the telltale sound of an email coming through, Lainie had set a tone for just about every function on the computer when we had first bought it and I had never changed the settings, so when it chimed again, I knew there was no mistake. I sat down and slowly lifted the lid, before I looked at the screen I consciously warned myself, this could be anything, it might not be Vanessa, so it would be a mistake to raise my hopes. I gently raised my eyes, starting at the keyboard and working slowly upward, until at last, there was nowhere else to go.
“Imelda unavailable, leaving country, back in a month.”
As I read the words, at first, I seemed almost unable to fully comprehend their meaning, but on a second reading, it felt as if I had been punched in the stomach, as every whisp of air seemed to abandon my lungs at once. Burning tears seemed to start trickling down my drawn cheeks, even though I wasn’t consciously crying, desperate to find some small crumb of comfort, I focused on the word ‘leaving’, surely that meant she was still here. Wiping my face on my sleeve, I quickly typed again, even though my hands were shaking,
“ Still here now?”
I waited again, unable to tear my eyes away from the flickering screen, once more, the response came,
“No time, apologies.”
I gasped, shaking my head, it couldn’t be true, surely, after everything we had been through, she could spare five minutes to see me, was that so much to ask? Even as I said the words aloud, I already knew the answer, an obvious ‘yes.’ Despite the trickle of tears having turned into a flood down my face, which was too strong for my now-swollen eyes to blink away, I typed one last message,
“I am sorry too, goodbye.”
Without pausing, I switched off the laptop and carefully closed the lid, distractedly I patted the computer, as if to apologise for my earlier outburst, before slowly getting up from the table. I stood in the middle of the room for several minutes, feeling almost totally numb, as if my body had decided somehow, there was only so much pain it could handle, and I was now over that limit. I drifted into the bathroom, opened the medicine cabinet and searched through the various bottles and packets for something which might help me, there was no madness in my actions, as I picked through the contents, one-by-one, I just gave them a brief examination before discarding them and moving on to the next. At last, right at the back, I found a box of prescription sleeping tablets, they’d been in there a while, but a quick check confirmed they were still well before their sell-by date. I took the box and put it carefully into my pocket, before I wandered to the kitchen and removed a carton of juice from the fridge. Still clutching the box, I went into each room,in turn, just to make sure not only were the curtains drawn but every electrical appliance was safely unplugged. Once I was sure everything was safe, I wandered into my bedroom and laid down on the bed, after carefully putting the juice and the pills on the bedside table.
The whole house was dark and still, there was even no noise from outside, despite the fact it was mid-afternoon, it was if the whole world was somewhere else and I had been left here alone. There suddenly seemed to be something morbidly ironic about the whole situation, after all, throughout my Godawful marriage to Steve, followed by years of struggling to survive as a single parent , I had clung to the idea one day, I would be free. How often had I dreamt of the day when Lainie would be grown and I could really start to form a life for myself ? Well, I had freedom now, but it wasn’t anything like the glittering future I had once imagined, instead, here I was, still being treated like an unpaid hooker, eagerly accepting any brief moment of having someone, before being dumped on the side of the road like an unwanted pet.
Despite loving Lainie, despite valuing Kat's friendship beyond almost anything else I could think of, I knew I had no desire to carry on like this anymore, for me, freedom now meant having the choice to never feel this lost again, be this hurt again..........or be this alone. I looked gratefully over to the bedside table, the juice and pills were there, waiting to stop the world, so I could get off, so without any further thought necessary, I began.
Chapter 14
I was awoken by the crashing of metal and a far away voice loudly apologising, I tried to open my eyes, at first, they felt heavy, but after a couple of moments, I finally managed to force the lids apart, only to find myself almost blinded by a bright, white light. I wanted to quickly turn away, but as I tried to move, it felt as if my head was filled with lead and I could only manage to roll slightly to one side. As I lay there, I tried to work out where I was, despite my mind seeming to be completely incapable, as if lost in some kind of fog. I could hear the sound of people talking, the occasional burst of laughter and general noise, but it all seemed a long way away. I rolled my head gingerly the other way, as my eyes were now adjusted to the light, I could clearly see an open door, as I watched, people seemed to be walking quickly past every so often, filled with purpose, as if wherever they were going, was not going to wait. Slowly my mind started to wake up and begin functioning again, the people were nurses, which meant, I must be in a hospital of some kind, but where and how had I got here ? As a young nurse walked by, I tried to call out, but my throat felt so sore and dry ,my voice barely managed to make much more than a slight croaking sound.
I glanced down the crisp, white sheets, my right arm was resting on top of the covers, in my hand seemed to be some kind of needle connected to a clear, thin tube, as I followed the line up, I could see it was attached to a drip suspended above the bed.
Next to me was a plastic jug of water and a cup, the prospect of a drink suddenly became infinitely more important that discovering my whereabouts, so I slowly pulled my free left hand out from under the covers and attempted to reach across.
“Now, you be careful, m' darlin’, let me get that for you,” said a deep, friendly voice, I turned and there, in the doorway, stood a nurse, she was a large, West Indian lady, with enormous, kind dark eyes and a gentle, broad smile. She walked in slowly and poured some water, she put the cup down and carefully eased me up slightly, while somehow adjusting the pillows behind my head. Once she had completed this rearrangement, she stepped back,
“There you go, now, here’s your water,” she passed me the small cup, “Take it slowly, m' dear, not all at once.”
Despite wanting to just throw the lot down in one gulp, I opted to follow her advice, as I sipped, she moved to the end of the bed and picked up a chart which was hanging from a clip. As she read, she shook her head slightly,
“I have to take your blood pressure and temperature, I’ll just go and get the machine,” she carefully replaced the file and walked out of my room, even though the water was cold, it did little to really ease the pain in my throat, but I finishe
d it anyway. While I was contemplating how to put the empty cup back with the jug, the nurse reappeared with a blood pressure monitor and proceeded with her work, after carefully noting down the results, she came back to my side.
“Now, you just rest, m'dear, the doctor will be in to see you soon, if you need anything, you just use the buzzer, OK?”
She put the button on the bed and looked at me, she pushed my hair back out of my eyes,
“There, that’s better, now I can see your pretty face,” she said quietly, “We’re going to look after you, OK?”
I nodded, for some reason, I didn’t feel able to speak, as there seemed to be a huge lump in my throat which had nothing to do with being sore, I just felt as if I was going to burst into tears at any moment. The nurse patted my hand,
“I’ll see you later, my darlin’,” she said kindly, before leaving the room again, as there was obviously nothing I could do, I rested back on the pillows and closed my eyes. Despite the general noise from outside my room, I quickly fell asleep, vague images floated around in my head, but nothing stayed long enough to make any sense.
Some time later, I was awoken by the sound of a man coughing, this time, my eyes flashed open and saw a doctor standing at the end of my bed, studying the file. He was an older man, his glasses perched on the end of his almost hook-like nose, he had grey, thinning hair and, for some reason, he reminded me of a bird of prey, like one of those eagles that swoops down on any passing rabbit. When he saw me looking at him ,he coughed again, put the chart back and walked to my side,
“I am Doctor Church, Ms Sullivan, I saw you when you first came in, although I don’t expect you to remember..” he began, his voice calm and brimming with authority, “Now, we have contacted Ms Vale and she will be in to see you this afternoon..”
“Charlotte Vale?” I croaked.