by A B Turner
“Yes, your G.P informed us, you had been seeing her for some time, so it seemed appropriate to call her in, as she is familiar with your case, do you have any objections?” he asked, his pale grey eyes peering over the rim of his glasses.
“No, of course not,” I answered, my throat now feeling as if it was filled with rusty, razor blades,
“That will soon heal,” he said briskly pointing vaguely in the direction of my neck,
"Unfortunately, when we have to use a stomach pump, it always causes irritation, cannot be helped, I’m afraid, now is there anything you wish to ask me ?” he asked.
“How did I get here?” I enquired, while still trying to absorb what had obviously happened to me together with my complete lack of any memory of the whole experience. Dr Church sighed slightly, before explaining my neighbour had become concerned so, using her spare key ,she had decided to check everything was alright, when she found me, she immediately called for an ambulance,
“You were lucky, if she had left it much longer, well, you wouldn’t be here,” he finished simply, “Anyway, if there’s nothing else?”
I shook my head and he left the room, at the door, I saw him speak quietly to the nurse, she glanced at me and smiled, before assuring him she would keep a close eye on me, he nodded briskly and strode away down the corridor,
“Is there anyone you want me to call?” she asked, for a split second, I was going to mention Lainie, but I knew I couldn’t, how could I explain this to her, she would only end up blaming herself and, aside from all that, I didn’t want her to worry.
“No thank you,” I replied as firmly as my rasping voice would allow, the nurse smiled,
“If you change your mind, just use the buzzer, OK my darlin’”
I smiled weakly back and she walked away, after assuring me she would be back to check on me soon, again, with nothing else to do but wait, I rested back, turning my head towards the window and watched grey clouds roll across an even greyer sky.
Some time later, the nurse reappeared,
“There’s a lady at the desk to see you, is that alright? I can tell her to come back if you’re tired ?” she said kindly.
“No, it’s fine, I’ve been expecting her,” I replied, “But could I have some more water?”
She smiled and carefully poured another cupful and placed it on the table near enough for me to reach,
“I’ll tell her to come then,” she smiled and left the room.
I knew this visitor was going to be Charlotte, my mind seeming to have regained its capacity to think, and had now started to try and find some way I could explain what had happened, as whichever words I used, didn’t seem to make any sense at all. I heard footsteps clicking down the hallway, coming nearer and nearer, still not a single coherent thought made itself known to me, I started to feel slightly panicked, but reminded myself firmly, she was a professional, so there was nothing to worry about, I didn’t have to make sense. Feeling more relieved, I turned to face the door, only to gasp with astonishment,
“Good afternoon, Carrie,” it was Marcella, for a moment, I could say nothing as my brain struggled to grasp the reality my eyes were seeing,
“May I come in?” she asked, her head tipping slightly to one side quizzically, when I nodded, she strode in and pulled a chair next to my bed, after quickly brushing off any imagined dust, she sat down and looked at me.
“So, how are you now?”
“I’ve been better,” I stammered, still not entirely sure this wasn’t all some kind of bizarre dream.
“I’m sorry to hear that, but I understand you will make a full recovery,” she continued, her tone crisp and matter-of-fact.
Finally, I could take it no more, questions tumbled out of me like water over a dam,
“Marcella, what are you doing here? I’m mean,. How did you know? How did you ...?”
Marcella raised her hand to indicate her need for my silence, when she was sure I was going to concede, she lowered it and clasped both on to her lap,
“When I received your last email, I suspected there was something severely wrong, I cannot tell you exactly how I knew, perhaps some form of intuition, “she paused briefly as if to ponder this statement, “Anyway,” she continued, “ As Vanessa had already left for the airport with Frank, I tried to call you...several times, until at last, your neighbour answered, and thanks largely to her understandable distress, she told me what had happened, and voila, here I am.”
Although her explanation was simple enough to understand, it didn’t answer the question as to why she had felt the need to check on me, after all, it wasn’t as if we even knew each other especially well, when I put this to her, I saw her wince slightly and I suddenly felt as if I had hurt her feelings somehow, so I quickly apologised for my tactless words. She smiled and assured me there was no need, before reminding me, we had actually known each other for some time now.
“I have a question for you , if I may?” she asked, when I nodded, I saw her glance down at her hands for a moment, as if to collect her thoughts, before looking back at me,
“Why did you do it, Carrie? Why try and end your life?”
I rested back on my pillows, her words seeming to temporarily knock me back slightly, just hearing someone say it out loud, made me realise what I had actually done, at the time, I hadn’t thought of it as ‘ending my life’, it had been more about wanting to get away from everything, or stop making the same mistakes, or, more simply, to stop feeling. But how could I explain that to Marcella? I looked at her, immaculately dressed as ever, sitting ramrod straight in the chair, someone who had probably never had a moment’s self doubt in her life. What could I possibly say that she would understand ?
But as she looked at me intently, it became obvious, I was going to have to say something,
“I just felt really alone, and I didn’t want to be anymore.”
This statement, despite sounding ridiculously simple, was actually the whole truth, Marcella sighed and inched her chair forward until she could reach my hand, which she gently held,
“Carrie, despite what you may think, I do understand,” sensing my incredulity, she glanced down at the large ring which was omnipresent on her third finger.
“Do you remember when we first met and you remarked on my ring?”
I nodded.
“It was given to me a long time ago by someone I loved very much, he gave this to me one Christmas Eve, I don’t think I have ever been happier than I was that night,” she paused, clearly recollecting the time, I waited, almost holding my breath for some reason. When she had regained her composure, she told me how everyone expected them to marry in the Spring, she smiled slightly as she mentioned how excited her mother had been as they had sat up long into the night, speculating on what the wedding would be like and who would be there. But the smile quickly faded,
“He went away for a few weeks, he had just started working for his father’s company and was sent to the Far East, anyway, on the day he was due back, I waited for him at Southampton ....when the ship docked, there was no sign, I checked and it quickly became clear, he had never boarded.”
“What had happened?” I asked quietly, she glanced up at me, I saw her take a sharp intake of breath,
“In the end, I went to his office, frantic with worry, and there, a secretary informed me, he had met someone and got married, a whirlwind romance, she called it, and he had decided, as there was nothing for him in England, he was going to stay there.”
I could hardly fail to notice the bitterness in her tone as she said the last few words, I suddenly felt the overwhelming need to just reach across and hug her, but I knew she might find such a display slightly embarrassing, so I opted just to squeeze her hand a little tighter, which she acknowledged with a slight smile.
“For a while I was completely distraught, I locked myself away, refusing to see anyone, until, like you, I reached the point, where life itself seemed unwelcome, but in time, I came to realise, I was wrong, all l
ife is precious and so should never be tossed aside.”
She looked at me, hoping to see some sign of my understanding what she was saying, but, for me, she was making it sound too easy,
“I know you’re right, but my life doesn’t seem very precious at the moment,”
I knew I sounded like a petulant child, but I hoped Marcella would see past that and be sympathetic, but instead, I saw a frown furrow her perfect make-up,
“Well, it may not seem it to you, but what about the others in your life? Your daughter, your friends, do you genuinely believe they would be happier without you?”
As she glared at me, my head suddenly filled with images of Lainie and Kat, Matt and Damon, even Daniel appeared,
“No, I suppose not,” I conceded.
“There is no suppose about it, you would be missed by all of us who care about you,” she insisted.
“Even Vanessa?” I asked quietly.
Marcella’s slight annoyance faded as quickly as it had arrived,
“Oh Carrie, especially Vanessa, she cares very deeply about you, but you must understand, her life is rarely her own, so much of her time is being where someone else wants her to be, which is not always where she would like.....” Marcella sighed heavily, “From the outside, there might seem there is much to be envied about her life, but I can assure you, she pays an extremely high price for most of it.”
For a moment, we sat in silence, both perhaps lost in our own thoughts, for me, just thinking about Lainie, Kat and the others, made me so thankful I had not been successful in ending my life. It was Marcella that finally broke the mood,
“Anyway, you should be getting some rest, so I shall leave you, now that I know you’re going to be fine,” she said briskly, she rose from the chair and carefully put it back in its place. As I watched I notice her pause for a moment, before turning to face me,
“Obviously I will tell her about this, if you wish it,” as she spoke with uncharacteristic hesitation.
For the briefest of moments, I wanted to say ‘yes’, but the sheer selfishness of that response stopped me, after all, there was nothing she could do, so I replied a firm ‘no’, for all her self-control, Marcella could not hide her relief at my response,
“Of course, you know best, anyway, do take care of yourself, Carrie ,” she said, and spun on her heel towards the door, suddenly a question came into my mind,
“Marcella, why did you keep the ring ? If that man hurt you so badly, why not give it back?”
She paused and turned back to me smiling broadly,
“My dear girl, this is worth a fortune, why on earth would I give that up?”
I laughed as she strode out of the room, there was no question she was irascible, incorrigible, in fact, every kind of awkward at times, but for all that, she had a great heart and I was lucky enough to have gained a place in it.
It was entirely down to her, when Charlotte arrived, I was ready to talk about everything more freely, she listened intently as I spoke about what had happened with Jay, how I had felt so incredibly alone and how much I obviously needed to change if I was going to avoid being a hospital patient again, adding I had no idea how to achieve that particular aim. Charlotte smiled and assured me anything was possible, but my first step would be to get well physically, so together we would tackle the rest.
When Doctor Church came in, she assured him, she believed I would be well enough to be discharged, as soon as he felt I was ready. I saw his eyebrows raise slightly at this, but fortunately, Charlotte was equally forceful and he accepted her opinion, with the provision, I had to start eating. Before I had a chance to speak, she promised I would follow all of his instructions without complaint and he left, clearly feeling he had triumphed, whereas, as a spectator, I was not so sure.
Later that evening, the nurse came in with a tray, the food did not look especially appetising, but I forced enough down to keep her happy, claiming my sore throat had hampered my intake, which was not a lie. After yet another blood pressure check, the nurse switched off the light and wished me ‘sweet dreams’, I looked out of the window, the earlier clouds seemed to have cleared and I could just see the edge of the moon. In that moment, I realised, if things had gone differently, I would not have been there to see it, when this thought occurred, I watched it even more intently than I had probably ever done before in my life.
Chapter 15
After a couple of days, I was allowed to leave the hospital, even though I still felt quite weak, I obviously presented a good enough impression for Dr Church to discharge me. I had been told to make sure I took a cab , but even though there was an impressive row of cars waiting outside the hospital entrance, I chose to ignore them and walk home. The sun was shining, everyone I passed seemed to have an extra spring in their step which always seemed to happen when the weather improved, even I started to feel somehow energised. There seemed to be life teeming all around me, which normally, I would have probably failed to notice, but now, every bird, butterfly and tree seemed to have gained a special significance.
When I turned into my road, I saw my neighbour hovering anxiously at the gate, when she saw me, she half-ran up the road in my direction, I wasn’t quite sure what to say, but thankfully, within minutes, it was clear, she didn’t know the etiquette for such an encounter either. So when she said it was good to see me ‘back on my feet’, I thanked her and we spent the rest of the short walk back to the house talking about the weather. When we reached my front door, she thanked me for the lovely flowers,
“It was such a surprise when they turned up, my husband joked they were obviously from my secret boyfriend !” she gushed, “It was so kind of you.”
I was about to say I had no idea what she was talking about, when she continued to explain how smart the florist had been who had brought them,
“Lovely suit, looked like a Chanel or something, but obviously not the real thing, but she was beautifully made up as well, for an older lady, she looked very glamorous, actually not like a florist at all !”
I smiled, realising she was obviously talking about Marcella, it seemed her generosity knew no bounds.
“Anyway, you should be getting inside, if there’s anything you need, please give me a ring, I’ve left my number on the pad by your phone,” with this last comment, she disappeared up the path and into her own home. I turned and went inside quickly, as my walk had left me feeling decidedly unsteady, as I walked in, the whole place was flooded with sunlight, as the kindly neighbour had drawn all the curtains. I was unbelievably relieved, as on some level, I had dreaded go back into the darkness I had left, but as I walked in further, everything had been tidied and the rich smell of polish seemed to permeate every room. As I reached my bedroom , I hesitated, as if the memory was somehow going to become somehow tangible if I entered, but despite this, I took a deep breath and opened the door. Once more, the room was bathed in light, the bed had clearly been made with fresh sheets and the only things on the bedside table were my lamp and the photograph of Lainie, everything else had gone meaning no trace of what I had done.
I slipped off my coat and laid down, almost immediately, I realised I had not even looked at my phone for days, for a moment, I couldn’t remember where I had last seen it. My mind flashed back to when I had arrived back from the wedding reception, which seemed a lifetime ago, I glanced around the room, when I noticed my wedding outfit had been carefully hung up on the wardrobe door, with my shoes and clutch bag placed neatly underneath on the floor. I pulled myself off the bed and grabbed the bag, as I opened it, I saw the phone right at the bottom.
As I switched it on, it started to beep furiously, as text after text seemed to register one after the other, as I scanned down the list, I noticed several from Lainie, as I read them, it was clear she had become increasingly concerned, so I quickly replied, saying my phone had somehow broken, but was fixed and fine again now. Within seconds she replied, full of relief and saying she would call later so we could catch up properly, I moved on t
o the single message from Kat, asking where the hell I was and why hadn't I looked at any of the unofficial wedding pictures on Facebook. So after switching on the laptop and grabbing myself a Coke, I settled down on the sofa. Almost as soon as I logged on, there was a picture of smiling Kat holding a champagne flute while pointing at an Orient Express menu with Matt beaming behind her. The next was of her parents, her Mum dabbing her eyes, while being obviously comforted by her husband.As I scrolled down the pictures, I started to smile, as I realised how smart all the guests had looked in the earlier part of the day, but were totally disheveled by the end. Suits replaced by shirtsleeves and more than one man with his tie now round his head, like some kind of bandana. While the high heels and hats had long been abandoned, so most of the women could revisit their teenage nights at the school disco. I had almost reached the end of Kat's post, when my own face suddenly looked back at me. I was dancing with Jay, at first, all I really did, was feel pleasantly surprised at how good I looked in my dress. But as I looked closer, I couldn't fail to notice how close we were, there was barely an inch between any part of our bodies. We were looking straight into each other's eyes, clearly oblivious to everything around us.I sat back, still looking at the picture, there seemed something different from the others, the ones with Lainie and Damon, Kat and Matt, in fact, even Kat's parents. After a few minutes, it became clear, there was nothing loving about mine, in truth, Jay and I looked almost predatory at each other. As I logged off, I had no choice but to accept now,that was all that had ever been between us, lust and nothing more, so to feel even slightly aggrieved by what had happened at the hotel, was pointless.
I looked again at my phone messages, in case I had missed something important, when I noticed one from Jay, before reading it, I checked when it had been sent, and could hardly believe when I read the day after Kat's wedding. For a split second, I contemplated deleting the message without reading it, but curiosity drove me to press the button,
“Hey Carrie, had a great time, call me if you want to do it all again, Jay”