by Volante, KT
“No tears, little girl. My time here is done. Our Father is calling me home. This is a happy time, really.”
“No, not yet, please,” I begged. My throat tightened until I was barely able to speak.
I turned to Jeff, but he was gone. Finally, the rest of the family came in, most of them in tears. Jeff put a hand on my shoulder.
“They want to say goodbye.”
“No. Get the meds; she isn’t going yet.”
“Little girl!” Sister Agatha said with all the sternness she could muster, which wasn’t much. “It’s not your decision. Father is calling me.”
I wouldn’t move. The room was small, but everyone managed to kiss her. My heart broke. The Sisters prayed harder and louder.
“Ask them to pray quieter,” I demanded of Jeff.
The prayers did become softer, but still they were nonstop. Jeff stood at the foot of the bed. I sat at Sister Agatha’s side and Sid stood next to me.
Sister Agatha’s breathing was irregular. She opened her eyes.
I begged, “May I kiss you?”
“I was waiting for that, little girl.”
I kissed each cheek.
“Lacey, God has blessed you and He will guide you. You are a good person. Be strong for the family. Your journey isn’t done yet.”
Her eyes closed.
The room went quiet.
She was gone.
I fell on her and sobbed. Jeff and Sid tried to move me away from her, but I wouldn’t leave. Not yet. I sat up and looked at Sid. In his hand was a knife. Oh no, I thought, she must not flip. I wouldn’t let that happen; I couldn’t. She would want me to do it. Again, Jeff and Sid tried to move me.
“Lacey, it’s time. Go outside with the Sisters,” Sid said in the sweetest voice I had ever heard him use.
“No. I will do it. She would want it to be me.”
He looked at Jeff. Jeff nodded. Then Sid handed the knife to me. I sat there.
“Honey, it’s okay; I’ll do it,” said Sid.
I leaned down and kissed her cheek again.
Then I placed the knife at the back of her head. And pushed.
I cried out. Sid pulled me off her. Then he noticed the blood as it crept out on the sheet. Numbness came over me. I don’t remember how I got to the table in the main room. The kids were around me; they held me.
Then the Sisters came out. Sister Margaret’s eyes were red.
“We gave her Last Rites. Her soul is with our Lord.”
I saw red as I stood. “I’m so happy you think—”
Sid stopped me before I said something I would regret later.
“Lacey, outside!” He was going to walk me outside whether I wanted to go or not.
I silently followed him.
Once we were out on the porch, I looked at him. Sid put his hands on either side of my face.
“Honey, everyone is going to die—you, me, the kids, everyone. She brought you joy and you did the same for her. But it was time. She was struggling. She is at peace now, and now you have to be at peace for her.”
I couldn’t look at him. My sadness filled me up until it was a balloon ready to burst. He put his arms around me. My balloon burst and I sobbed. He stroked my hair so gently, whispering in my ear.
* * *
The Sisters wanted Sister Agatha to be buried. That evening, we held a graveside service. I said my final goodbye to Sister Agatha.
Chapter Thirteen
In a few days, life went back to what had become our normal. Luke hooked up two solar panels for lights. When I spoke to him about the television, he said it would not be a problem. I made him promise not to say a word. I wanted movie night to be a surprise.
At supper, when I reviewed the next day’s assignments, I announced Sister Bernadette would join us on a run. Everyone’s fork stopped in mid-air.
Sister Margaret and Sister Frances put their forks down and looked at me.
Finally, Sister Margaret said, “I don’t think we heard you correctly. As the oldest Sister here, I am in charge of the spiritual welfare of the Sisters. Sister Bernadette cannot go on runs. It is out of the question.”
“You heard me correctly. She will be accompanying us,” I said.
“May I say something?” Sister Margaret asked quite curtly.
“Yes,” I said.
“None of the Sisters will ever go on runs. It’s not only too dangerous, but none of the Sisters will carry a weapon or kill another human. To do so will condemn our souls to hell.”
Sid stood up. My gut tightened; his usual bluntness had me worried.
“Do you consider the LDs living creatures?” he asked.
Sister Margaret nodded and answered, “They are God’s children, just like you and me.”
Sid turned red. I thought his head would explode.
Sid spoke with such anger in his voice it frightened me.
“I do not put myself in that category. I am alive! They are the living dead. They kill without thought; they don’t have a consciousness or a soul. Their souls are gone. Their bodies just haven’t stopped yet. Don’t be fooled; they will cash in your birth certificate; your habit will not stop them!”
She did put on her “nun face.” Instead, her face became stern; disapproval reeked from every pore.
“God will keep us safe. And if He decides we will die, we will see Him in heaven because we have kept His Commandments.”
“Sisters,” I said, trying to maintain the peace, “I understand that. However, Sister Bernadette has expressed an interest in doing more for the family and going on runs. She has been learning how to go on runs.”
The anger in Sister Margaret’s eyes shocked me as she turned to Sister Bernadette.
“How dare you do this without my permission. Don’t you know the Rules of Obedience? Just because we’re no longer in a Convent, it doesn’t give you permission to act like this. Go to your room, kneel, and pray for forgiveness. I will deal with you later,” barked Sister Margaret.
I stood up.
“I’m sorry, Sister; you won’t be dealing with anyone. Like I said when you first came here, I will never interfere with your religious life. But I will not let you or anyone else bully anyone. Sister Bernadette came to me. We discussed this at length. She is sincere. You can accept this or not. But it is going to happen,” I said.
Sister Bernadette was near tears but stayed strong. She stared at Sister Margaret and stated, “I have prayed and God has answered me. This is the path He is asking me to walk.”
Sister Margaret stood up to leave. “I have said the final word. Do not disobey me, Sister.”
Now Sister Bernadette stood up.
“No, Sister Margaret; sit down please. We need to be a part of this family, not stand on the edge and look in. We are nuns and always will be. We will pray, but we must also do what we need to do. If that means redefining ourselves, then that is what we will do. God wouldn’t have provided this family if He didn’t want us to survive.”
“You can’t pray for anyone if you become one of those things,” Sister Margaret retorted.
“Sisters, are you afraid of what God is asking you to do?” Sister Bernadette asked. “Think back to World War II. What did the nuns in Europe do then? Think of how they helped the Jews to survive. Let them serve as our role models during this time.”
Now all the Sisters were crying. And then they started to pray. Again.
Sister Bernadette continued over their praying, “Sisters and friends, a religious life is just that. All we do, we do for God. Every step we take, every breath we breathe, we breathe for God. We must also listen to God. God is telling us to survive.” She looked at the Sisters with her warm comforting smile. “Not everyone needs to be a soldier; not everyone needs to be a nun.”
I said to them, “Sisters, I’m not asking or requiring anyone to go on runs. Everyone who goes on runs is doing so of their own free will. Sister Bernadette will never be alone. We all look out for each other. I’m sorry this is so upsett
ing to you, but she will go on runs with us.”
Sister Margaret looked at us and said, “Are you coming to evening prayers or is that too much to ask?”
Sister Bernadette replied, “I will be there in a minute. Lacey wants to talk to me.”
“How much trouble will you be in?” I asked her after the other Sisters had left us.
“As much as I can stand. And then when I can’t, I will remove my veil.”
“Are you sure?”
“I’m following my heart. God is in my heart,” she said—the same words Sister Agatha had told her.
This drama was more than I could stand.
Chapter Fourteen
After breakfast, we all started out on our runs. Harrison drove, I rode shotgun, and Sister Bernadette was in the back.
“First, stop at the rental video box at the Food Stop.”
“What?” Harrison asked.
I laughed. “You heard me, the video rental box. It’s a surprise; we’re going to see a movie. We need some morale boosters. If watching a movie every few weeks will lift our spirits, then that is what we will do. After that, the curtain store. We need curtains that will hide the light in the rooms so we can use our lights after dark.”
* * *
We arrived at the video rental box in no time. We got out and Harrison took the crowbar. After some high-pitched metal squeals, the rental machine opened.
“Sister, pick out a few,” I said.
Harrison stepped back to stand guard.
He whispered to me. “Lacey, I don’t have a problem with the video, but we have so many other important needs. You two could have done this.”
He’s right, so why did I do this? I asked myself.
Then I said, “I wanted you along so the other Sisters would worry less about Sister Bernadette.”
“Then you should have told me that,” he replied.
“You’re right. I’m sorry. For some reason, the other Sisters push my buttons. I feel like I have to defend myself with them.”
“Lacey, before the Sisters came, you were a decisive, strong, take-no-shit person. Now, not so much. Get them the hell out of your head. Bring the old Lacey back.”
I didn’t realize that had been happening. I didn’t see it. “Do the others share this opinion?” I asked.
“Yup.”
“Next time I put my head up my ass, tell me!” I said with a chuckle.
Then the smell came.
“Sister Bernadette, let’s go! Now!” I said.
“The smell and it’s strong! There must be lots of the LDs,” she replied.
We ran to the car and got in in plenty of time. She had an arm full of DVDs and proceeded to tell us the titles, their ratings, and why she had chosen each one.
I turned to Harrison. “Drive fast.”
He laughed.
* * *
The other Sisters waited for us to return. Sister Bernadette got out of the car with a neutral look on her face. She had a dozen DVDs in her arms she was trying to make inconspicuous. She turned to the left and then to the right as if she had no idea what to do. She knew I wanted to keep this a secret. She gave me a confused look. I pointed to the room where she and Sister Agatha slept.
“Cover it,” I said.
She returned with her hands clasped and eyes lowered. It bothered me that she and all nuns behaved this way. But it was the life they had wanted.
The kids were upstairs on watch duty. I had noticed they really played more than anything else.
“Hi, guys. What do you have to report?” I asked them when I went upstairs.
I had to fight from laughing as panic came over their faces.
“Hmm, I, I mean we—” stumbled Jeremiah.
“Nothing to report?” I suggested.
“Yeah, nothing to report,” said Simon.
“Good. Supper soon, so clean up the room and come down.”
* * *
Sisters Margaret and Frances served supper. They said their usual prayer. Our agreement was they could say their prayers before meals. Those who wanted to join in could, and those who didn’t would sit still until they were done. Since Sister Agatha had left us, the supper prayers had gotten longer and longer. That would end today.
Luke and Sid wanted to go on a hunting run. We could use the meat, and now with refrigeration, meat would last longer.
“Take the van. Stay out no more than three days,” I told them and they agreed.
* * *
Tom and Brittany learned of another sports goods store—from all places, the telephone book. It was a hundred miles north of us. They argued with me about going there, but I still had a bad taste in my mouth from remembering the Martin incident.
“Lacey, we need more supplies, and this is much closer than the store you went to,” said Brittany.
“What if you meet another Martin?” I replied. “Rachael and I were lucky to get away. I just don’t know if the risk is worth it.”
I looked around.
“Okay,” I said. “I’ll consider it if Harrison goes along with you, and you have to take extra guns, radio in every hour, and return in five days with or without supplies.”
I wanted to make more requirements when Sister Bernadette put her hand on my arm and said, “Like you, they know how to make good decisions.”
I relented.
“Okay. When do you want to go?”
Tom said, without looking up, “Tomorrow would be good.”
* * *
“Kids, prep enough food and water for a week for each group,” I said.
The kids looked at me.
“Extra supplies in case they run into delays.”
“When can we go hunting with you?” asked Simon.
“Soon, buddy,” said Tom.
“Promise?” asked Simon.
“I promise,” said Tom.
* * *
The Sisters were restless. They talked in hushed voices. I knew that meant they wanted something.
Finally, Sister Frances asked, “Tom, our Mother House isn’t far from there. Can you, I mean, would you see if our fellow sisters are safe?”
Then Sister Margaret chimed in, “Lacey, we are forever grateful you saved us. But if the Mother House is safe and they are there, we would like to live there. We are so thankful for all of you. But we need our Mother House.”
Betty nodded and said, “I understand, Sister Margaret, and I know the rest of us understand too.”
Betty eyed me.
“Yes, of course, I understand,” I added.
“Sister, if Tom agrees, he will need the address,” I added.
She giggled. “Of course. I’ll tell him all the details I can about the area, including stores.”
“I’m willing to give it a try,” said Tom. “However, here are my conditions. It cannot be any more than one hour away. If it doesn’t look like there are survivors, I’m not going in. If there are, I will tell them you want to return to the Mother House, but if they say no, I will politely say thanks and leave. This trip is far enough away that I don’t want to add any more risk than we have too.”
Sister Margaret was visibly disappointed.
“Sisters, I will try,” Tom restated.
“After supper, we can discuss the directions,” she said with a sad voice.
Sister Bernadette fidgeted. All I could think was Now what? But she didn’t ask to speak to me. I knew she would talk to me when she was ready.
* * *
After supper, Sid, Harrison, Jeff, and I got the guns ready for both trips. The majority of our guns and ammo would be gone. I was concerned, but we hadn’t had any security issues since moving here.
Mother, Betty, and Rachael got nonfood supplies ready. Lucy and Kevin helped. The kids were more in tune with life now than were the Sisters.
The Sisters tried to pull Lucy and Kevin away when Mother stepped in.
“They’re helping us get the supplies ready. They’ll go to bed when we’re done.”
Sis
ter Margaret stiffened up. At that, Mother came face to face with her.
“A problem?”
“No,” answered Sister Margaret.
“Good. Did you talk to Tom?” Mother continued.
“No. I was waiting until the kids were in bed.”
“I suggest you do it now. He’s planning the route and needs to know about your Mother House.”
This wasn’t the first time I had noticed there was tension between Sister Margaret and the rest of the family. Sister Frances always supported her, but I didn’t know whether it was because she agreed or because she was being obedient.
Chapter Fifteen
Early the next day, we said goodbye to each group. At breakfast, I announced, “All adults except the Sisters will carry guns and ammo. Kids, wear your knives. Five people are out on runs with a lot of our fire power.” I didn’t need to explain more. Everyone understood.
“Okay, who wants to go to the gardens with me?” I asked, knowing the kids loved to go to the gardens.
“We’ll go!” said Jeremiah.
He and Lucy ran to the car. Alice wanted to stay home this time.
And on his heels, Kevin and Simon raced to the car.
“Sisters, do any of you want to come?” I asked.
Sister Margaret shook her head no, but Sister Bernadette put down her work. On her way to the car, she grabbed the baskets and clippers.
“Hey,” called Jeff. “Me too.”
Harrison opened the gate and we headed out to the first garden in a small old neighborhood.
* * *
The day was beautiful. The sun shone brightly and a gentle breeze kept us cool. Birds sang as if The Flip had never happened.
We arrived at the first garden. Jeff and I got out of the car and looked around. He gave the all-clear sign and the rest of the group got out of the car.
This garden was in the backyard of an old house, which was now rundown, but I knew it had been well cared for and loved once. There were lots of vegetables to harvest and a lot of weeds to pull. The kids jumped in and harvested the vegetables, but when it came time to weed, they slacked off. I couldn’t blame them.